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A Final Goodbye

The Source

I was walking into the office of former Triopia superintendent James Brim when I heard his phone receiver slam into its socket. As I entered the door Mr. Brim was sitting as his desk, staring at the phone. He saw me. “Sorry,” he said, “but I just can’t get used to a grown man ending a phone conversation with ‘Bye-bye.’” I knew from experience that when Brim ended a conversation was always with something like , “Good afternoon, and I hope it is a good afternoon.” Mr. Brim was a gentleman. He was not a bye-bye guy. My Psychology 101 course at I.C. is too long distant for me to delve into the inner meanings of how people end their phone conversations, but I have made an informal study. I figure it’s time to do this study quickly while we’re still using phones. Jerry, my college roommate, would always end his phone chats with, “We’ll see you later.” This was curious. Jerry was single, Jerry was sitting alone in a room, and Jerry would say “We’ll see you later.” I kept looking around trying to find out why he was we-ing. There was no one else around. And the most curious thing of all is that I now find myself in the same situation, using the same plural pronoun. I have one friend who lives four states away who always ends her calls with “See you real soon.” Really? I’ve not seen her in years but she’s going to magically pop up on my front porch next week? My friend Richard from Hove, England, ends his call with “Cheers!” Is that precious or what? Richard sometimes talks at length and long distance conversations can be pricey, but no matter what we chat about, I look forward to that British “Cheers!” at the end. I’ve never known a genuine Tah-tah-er. In fact I only hear “Tah-tah” in movies. I think someone just made that up. There are few things funnier than being with someone when they get a call from a loved one and the standard in his family is to always end the call with “I love you.” This is tough for some guys as they finish the sixteenth hole with their foursome gathered ‘round. The poor teenage boy’s mother always ends her calls to him with “I love you,” to which his response must be, “I love you, too.” But there he is, going down the road with his teenage buddies when he gets a call from his mom. It’s time for the phone conversation to end and in front of God, his basketball team, and everybody, he mumbles, “Love you, too.” It’s worth the price of admission to the game. Perhaps all this lying in our sign-offs began with Honest Abe who would even sign letters to his harshest opponents with “Your obedient servant,” or simply “Your obedient.” I’m sure that Mr. Lincoln added this tag at times when he had no intention of being obedient to the rascals. And of course the most bothersome of all callers are not those who sign off with trite or untrue goodbyes, but those folks who have no idea how to say goodbye. The unwritten rule of phone conversation is that the caller should initiate the end of the call but what in the heck do you do with someone who doesn’t know how to say goodbye? First you try a long silence, which in my case becomes uncomfortable after about five seconds. Then you try things like, “Well, I guess you’ve got things you need to be doing.” They’ll say, “Yeah,” then hang onto the line. I always keep the somewhat fictional, “Look, my house is on fire. Do you mind if I go now?” in my back pocket. I know one lady who is the absolute master of ending a phone conversation. I’ve spoken to her for years and I still haven’t discovered her exact technique, but brother, she’s got one. In the first place, she doesn’t go into small talk. She says what she needs to say then ends the call, but if it was me who initiated the call she has this way of picking up both intensity and speed toward the end of the conversation and when she has reached her climax the words, “Goodbye!” suddenly rush out of my mouth. I’m being manipulated, sure, but I do so admire her ability to do that. I’ve tried using the same trick on her but she always manages to out-hustle me. Sadly, texting has pretty much taken all the sexiness out of hanging up the phone. Most texters I know (by looking over their shoulder) simply say “Bye,” or use the eloquent “B.” So romantic. Bye-bye.