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A Reason to Scream

The Source

I wanted to scream. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever scrum and wouldn’t know how to do it, but if I could scream . . . The F.A.A. announced that it would soon be allowing airplane passengers to use their cell phones while in the air. Dear God, do we really need this? Until now the plane was the only place left on earth where I didn’t have to listen to other people shout into their cell phones and now even that will be gone. I’ve heard cell phone conversations during plays, during concerts, dance recitals, in church and even once while I was playing the organ for a friend’s funeral. As my old friend Jim Brim used to say, “A privilege one year becomes a God-given right the next.” But please, please, Mr. F.A.A.! Not on the plane! That idiot next to me has had the last twelve hours to make this call. Must he make it now just a foot from my ear? Remember the smoking sections on airplanes? The nicotine sinners were relegated to the back of the plane like pariah then when the little light went “Ding!” they lit up. Yes, the smoke wafted its way up to the folks with clear lungs, but won’t the conversations on the cell phones do the same? At the very least can we relegate these digital loudmouths to their own “talking section” in the rear of the plane, preferably with a drop-down soundproof curtain? Transportation Secretary Anthony Fox said, “We believe the decision honors both our commitment to safety and consumer’s increasing desire to use their electronic devices during all phases of flights. These guidelines reflect input form passengers, pilots, manufacturers, and flight attendants…” Did I see me mentioned anywhere in Tony’s list? Or you if you’d rather not listen to people shouting all the way from St. Louis to London? The cause of all this of course has nothing to do with safety or cell phones, but the airlines’ desire to make money. Once Jet Pink allows cell phone use then Air United has to keep up. Heck, some airlines now charge for every conceivable amenity including pillows and soft drinks. Why not at least make each cell phone user cough up enough to pay for my lunch? And as the industry’s seating space gets smaller and smaller, the loudmouth on the phone behind me creeps even closer. The F.A.A. has asked each aircraft operator to determine whether or not these devices might be a problem on a particular flight. This means they’re guessing. They’re making a judgment call with my safety. I’m already the only living person who actually listens to the flight attendants safety instructions. Imagine the poor guy or gal now trying to compete with 120 passengers talking on their phones. And despite what the TV ads tell you, the modern cell phone is vastly inferior in sound quality to the old corded phone. Even Grandma on her party line never had to shout, “Can you hear me now?” I try to sleep on planes and so far with little success. Air travel doesn’t frighten me a bit, but on a long flight with an early arrival I do my best to try to nap. I fear those days are done. No matter the time of day there will be someone shouting into his or her little black square from hell. I can easily envision myself finally nodding off after three hours of sleepless flight, only to be awakened by a Lady Gaga ringtone in the seat behind me. My grandma always said that there was a time and place for everything. “It’s okay to belch,” she’d say, “but not during the Lord’s prayer.” I’m not for confiscating all cell phones but please, please, Mr. F.A.A., keep them shut off while I’m cooped up on in the same aluminum tube with hundreds of other people. Sometimes I simply shut up about these things. I see teenagers go into an absolutely panic when denied use of their phones and mothers go into convulsions when they can’t check on little Isabelle 24-7, and I tell myself that I’m just becoming a fossil and I’d might as well learn to accept the way the world is going. But in this case someone else’s toy or cure for loneliness actually infringes on my air space and I don’t like it one bit. Maybe it’s time for a counter-offensive: “Hey! I bought this cheese in Paris and it stinks to high heaven, but it tastes great! Would you all mind if I slathered around on my buns?” “This stereo system? I always bring one on the plane so I can turn it up and listen to the mating song of Beluga whales! I hope you all don’t mind! “ “I can’t control this child at home so I thought I’d let little Bubba run around inside the plane!” I fear my screaming will do no good. It won’t be heard over the cell phones.