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All Hands on Board

The Source

Matthew was a wiggler. Some people sweat, some squeeze, but Matthew wiggled. We were standing in a circle of a hundred kids at camp and the leader asked that we hold hands for prayer. Young Matt was standing beside me so I grabbed hold and he eagerly clasped his hand in mine while we listened to the prayer. That’s when the wiggling started. There’s something about a 12-year-old boy that’s not built for standing still. The poor kid stood there with his eyes dutifully closed, and I’m sure he had no idea that his hand and arm was beginning to resemble the Golden Gate Bridge in a windstorm. I’d try to hold his little hand back a bit, but Matthew, unaware of the tsunami wave he was beginning around the circle, kept swinging harder and by the time we heard the final “Amen” our circle looked like a tidal pool of swaying arms just as the waves began to break upon the shore. I read once that when you take someone’s hand and they automatically place theirs on top of yours, they are unconsciously asserting their dominance. It’s also known as the “protective stance,” for example the handclasp that a man might give a woman when crossing a street. But I’ve tested this one out. My hand perpetually and naturally goes palm down and although I’ve tried to rid myself of this domineering gesture, I keep forgetting. I’m not being sexist when I say that most of the time when I grab a woman’s hand hers naturally slips under mine and there have been times when another male and I join hands that we do a bit of a professional wrestling dance to get the top hand in the clutch. “The Tightly Interlocked Fingers” is hand grab that’s usually reserved for couples. People who study this say that the deeper the interlock, the more intense the relationship. There seems to be no allowance made for the air temperature on that particular day. “The Finger Grab” is said to be practiced by partners who are both independent people and who are known for being spirited and following their own passions. I can seem some danger here. “The One-Finger Hand Hold” is a maneuver whereby the couple joins their pinky fingers and they’re often defined as very romantic and playful. It’s also said to be a sign of flirtation. “The Over-the-Shoulder Lock” is accomplished by draping your arm over your partner’s shoulder and interlocking fingers at the chest. Lions and tigers hold “hands” this way, which is perhaps why the method has been known to show signs of pride and protection. I always thought that the big cats were looking for fleas but I wouldn’t advise bringing this up with your partner. “The Wrist Grab” is for partners who like to intertwine and that’s fine with me as long as the lights are on. And finally, what’s called “the most regal handhold of them all “The My Lady.” The woman simply puts her hand atop his and extends her fingers down into his grasp. This looks really cool at weddings, indicating mutual respect founded on trust and adoration. It’s interesting to note here that very few anniversary photographs employ this grip. Queen Elisabeth always uses this. It makes the lady’s hand look more dainty resting atop its masculine mate. Oh well, if you’re into that. And of course it makes a big difference exactly which sexes and ages are doing the handholding. Kids naturally grab hands since our school system has taught them the old traditional snake line going to lunch, women take hands as a matter of course, but when adult men are asked to join hands you’ll see a series of facial expressions much akin to your own face when the proctologist says, “You’ll have to drop ‘em.” More and more men take to this gesture of friendship naturally, but there’s an entire generation out there who think that man-to-man handholding should be confined to arm wrestling and bull riding. In places like Laos and Cambodia you can embarrass your host by walking hand-in-hand. In many Muslim countries like Morocco you’ll see straight men holding hands or walking arm in arm, but its frowned upon when opposite sex couples try a good handclasp. Same goes for Egypt. Prudish Pharaohs. In India when Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty grabbed a kiss in public a warrant was issued for his arrest. And then there are places like Italy, France, and Latin America where handholding might be the least embarrassing public display of affection that you’ll encounter. When our prayer ended Matthew opened his eyes and saw an entire circle a friends smiling at him with their arms still swinging wildly. He looked up and me and said, “Who started that?”