Biding My Time
The Source
In the grand scheme of the world, this doesn’t amount to a puddle of spit. With a third of the world going to bed hungry tonight I feel guilty even bringing it up, but if we can improve the planet just little, why not give it a shot. You’ve no doubt had this happen to you. You call your phone company, the folks who handle your credit card, your laundry, your doctor. . . practically any business with more than one employee and you get a phone message saying, “We are so happy to get your call. . “ ya-da, ya-da, ya-da “ . . . and your call is important to us. . “ ya-da, ya-da, and “this call may be monitored for quality control . . .” bippety boppity “. . . please stay on the line and a service representative will be right with you.” Of course babies have been born waiting for service representatives to get to your call and the caller may not have even been pregnant when she initially dialed. Okay, it’s a cost-saving measure meaning that the most efficient way to run a business is never have quite enough employees. I get that. I don’t like it, but I get it. However the one thing that could be done at no additional cost is to get rid of those infuriating recordings you must listen to while you’re waiting. Elevator music interrupted by advertisements for the firm’s latest offer: “We appreciate your business, but while you’re waiting for Doctor Sawbone’s nurse, have you considered a hip replacement? Sawbones Inc. is offering a half-price off sale this month only. Our replacement hips are made of the finest in USDA inspected Number One titanium and are guaranteed to last the lifetime of your torso. . .” then more God-awful music that sounds as if it’s being amplified through the tinny speakers of a ‘57 Studebaker. Whatever problem caused you to call in has only been compounded by the torturous muzak and hype you’ve had to endure while waiting. So . . . if I could make a modest proposal. . . Why not fill those useless and waning minutes with something just a bit worthwhile? For example, if I called my car dealer for an oil change and was greeted with, “Our lines are tied up, but until we get to your call, please enjoy Robert Frost reading from his ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.’” Hey! I’d call back for a lube job just to hear it again! Or imagine calling your trash disposal service to get a piece of billing straight and hearing, “We’re all trashed at the moment, but here’s a little something we thought you might enjoy while you wait. . . “ then you hear the voice of Red Skelton saying, “Okay, there were these two seagulls! Gertrude and Heathcliff. . .” Who wouldn’t mind waiting a bit with the old comic on the line? There are enough ways to idle away our time . . . waiting for our flights at airports, sitting in medical waiting rooms, and hanging on the phone. Why not at least give us a bit of real entertainment and perhaps even a little culture? New York’s JFK airport often hires street performers to entertain stranded fliers when the city’s hit with a snowstorm. More than one harried mother has been saved by a clown or a juggler coming down the airport concourse. I very much doubt that my phone company will send over a magician to entertain me when my line gets a bit of static, but how about filling my waiting minutes with oh…say, The Greatest Movie Lines of Jack Nicolson, or Local News Bloopers? I used to tell my speech classes that the most horrible way to die had nothing to do with drowning or fire, but simple boredom. It’s bad enough I have to wait to have my account straightened out; don’t torture me with tedium! Inspire me! Daniel Day Lewis: “Four score and seven years ago. . .” Make me laugh! Henny Youngman: “I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places,” and “If at first you don’t succeed, so much for sky diving!” Engross me. Marlon Brando: “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Simply entertain me. Richard Nixon, “I am not a crook!” It’s bad enough I have a migraine when I call for an appointment. If you think that listening to Mantovani’s 101 Strings rendition of Moon River is going to make me feel better then I have a recording I’d like to play for you. Close your eyes…take a breath. . . “Whose woods these are I think I know. He house is in the village, though; He will not see me stopping here to watch his woods fill up with snow. . .” There! Now don’t you feel better?