Big Year in a Small Town
The Source
‘Tis the season for end-of-year “Best Of” columns. Every tabloid and news show will feature them. …The Top Ten Whatever It Might Be of 2011…entertainment, politics, sports, tooth flossing. And most of these annual wrap-ups cover the nation or the world. As a result, some real biggies get left out. In fact, in my entire life I’ve never seen a “Best Of” column about small town America. Let’s say…maybe….Arenzville.
The Top Ten Events of Arenzville, Illinois, 2011 They put in a new sidewalk across the street from my house. I’m not being flippant. We needed one. Most American sidewalks have gone the way of the Polaroid camera and the butter churn, interesting objects that once had a purpose. Mid-June evenings in Arenzville find the sidewalks more populated than the streets. These people do more than play football and eat brown soup out of gigantic kettles…they walk. An eight-block stroll around town will take an hour since you really should stop and talk to those you meet. The walkers are of varying paces and range all the way from Connie who sometimes herds as many as three tiny white dogs on a triple-tangled leash, to Angie who walks faster than my Honda can run. Most of the rest of us fall somewhere between the poodles and the marathon lady. (By the way, the former sidewalk slanted toward Dosh while you were trying to walk toward Beardstown. People kept falling into the street, slowing down traffic, and bringing far too much business to Buchanan, Cody, & Williamson.) Our mayor moved out of town. I know this sounds strange and it certainly isn’t a good advertisement for Arenzville tourism, but the village’s major actually moved to Jacksonville. We don’t worry about it being legal. It’s Arenzville and we make our own laws. The Methodists Got a New Minister. Actually, he’s slightly used. Of course any good Methodist (I use that term charitably) knows that the three annual high holy days of each year are Easter, Christmas, and Changing Ministers Day. Not a Single New Road Was Built. This may seem to be strange reason to celebrate, but the new four-lane that’s currently tearing the heck out of the Chapin countryside was first designated to run (much more economically) through Arenzville. Looking at the mess that our friends from Chapin are enduring, we are giving thanks that we talked the Grand Poobah’s of Illinois Transportation out of Burgoo Boulevard. The Lutheran Church added a crèche for the Christmas season. Maybe I’ve been distracted in my daily fight through downtown Arenzville traffic, but I’ve never noticed the holy family camping out there before. The American Legion Shortened Their Memorial Day March. Actually, this happened a couple of years ago when it became obvious to us that two of our three cemeteries are planted on hillsides and by the time we march through town that the two aging buglers don’t have enough umph to toot. We Built a New Baseball Pavilion. Okay, “pavilion” might be stretching it, but it’s at the ballpark and it keeps the spectators and popcorn sellers dry while still allowing the shortstop to get soaked to his shorts. Used to be we gathered at the sound of “Let us now pray and turn to hymn 384.” Now it’s, “Play ball!” We Have a New Water Tower. Don’t laugh. There was a time last summer when the residents of Jacksonville would have loved to own our tower. Dean Stock Opened His New Bingo Parlor. Yes, the great American sport of Bingo is alive and well in Arenzville. It’s a better bet than the Illinois Lottery, better odds than Las Vegas, and in the course of an evening you can hear more lies than at a political convention. Not Much of Anything Happened. …which is exactly why we choose to live in Arenzville.