Bugged Out
The Source
I’ll admit that I laughed…a lot. I didn’t actually chuckle in anyone’s face, but when my Jacksonville friends went on and on about the infestation of cicadas this summer, I had to silently giggle. They’d ask if we had them in Arenzville and I gladly admitted that we were not. I told them the answer was probably Biblical. God sent plagues of locusts, vermin, and other inconveniences upon the evildoers of the world while sparing his chosen people. Jacksonville had them and Arenzville was spared, due no doubt to the preponderance of Lutherans. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em. The various Jacksonville Facebook pages chronicled the bugs’ onslaught with pictures of trees covered in the hard-shelled little rascals. The town’s premiere photographer, Steve Warmowski, featured a cicada as his profile picture and his page contained some really neat shots of the insects. I think it may have inspired he and wife Tiffany to open a new product line. First came “Weddings by Warmowski,” then “Graduations by Warmowski,” and now “Cicadas by Warmowski.” Several other of my Jacksonville acquaintances complained of how their dogs loved the taste of the little cicada crackers covering the outdoor woodwork. One lady said that the highly-proteined little bugs gave her dog the trots. I had to laugh. Aren’t dogs supposed to trot? But the biggest cause of my laughter came when folks started complaining about the noise the cicadas brought with them. These people had no sympathy for a poor little bug that only gets to mate once every thirteen years. Wouldn’t you shout, too? “Wow! I’ve been waiting thirteen years for you, honey! Let’s make some racket!” One West Jacksonville resident told me the bugs drowned out the stock car races. And of course most of these folks who complained spent those hot weeks indoors with air conditioners running. The only time they’d hear them was when they walked the twelve steps to jump into their soundproofed car. The joggers? Show me a jogger without a set of headphones. Good grief, folks!....Just start playing music that’s timed to the tempo of the bugs. Get in Cicada-Sync! Honestly, to have heard these folks complain you’d think they were experiencing a plague of leprosy. While Arizona had fires, Japan suffered earthquakes, and the East Coast got Sarah Palin, all we got were noisy bugs. Even the ancient Egyptians were treated to blood, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and the death of their first born. It sort of makes a dog with the trots seem almost tolerable. So…I laughed. I couldn’t help myself. Until…. Two weeks ago, I was driving down Morton on one of the few days when it was tolerable to have my window down. Somewhere between County Market and the auto supply place, this …well…this thing flew in my window and down the back of my shirt. It felt the size of a small bird. Of course I’m always in the left lane when something like this happens and those stupid people in the right lane didn’t recognize my frantic hand signals saying, “Get out of the way, you idiots! I have a small bird down my back!” Some people just don’t recognize blind panic when they see it. It’s at this point that I want to sincerely apologize to the diners at Arby’s restaurant. I admit that it does nothing for proper digestion of a roast beef sandwich to see a bald 61-year-old crazy man skid to a halt in front of the picture windows, remove his shirt, and checking to make sure the bird had not flown down his pants. You won’t see this in any Arby’s commercials although it might make a good advertisement for Burger King. And yes, it was a cicada. She looked confused. Stunned. I could have sworn that the bug was much bigger when it was down the back of neck. Perhaps it was something about the interior of a Honda that caused it to shrink. I’m only a nature lover when watching the Discovery Channel so I merciless stomped the cicada to death. In fact, I think I may have done a short dance. It’s too bad the windows of Arby’s are soundproof. I’m sure there was applause. Okay, I change my mind. Cicadas are not funny.