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Church Talk

The Source

I used to worry about traveling into a foreign land without knowing the language. Then my first trip overseas taught me two things: 1) Americans are among the few nationalities in the world who speak only one language. Most folks you run into will know enough to English to direct you to the nearest restroom or pub, and 2) after only a day in France or Italy you will have invented your own form of American Sign Language and will be amazed at how much talking your fingers can do. I wish the same could be said for church. American religion has a language all its own that’s sometimes more difficult to master than Portuguese or Alabaman. Take the phrase, “I’ll be thinking of you.” My friend Lynn just had knee surgery and before her operation I heard a friend tell her, “I’ll be thinking of you.” The typical American Christian becomes completely tongue-tied when it comes to mouthing the “p” word. Pray. It’s as if we’re saying, “You know what I mean, but I don’t want to actually come out and say it in public.” I have a dear friend who resides in that wild and woolly retreat for senior citizens, Knollwood Retirement Center. She is not Norman Rockwell’s picture of anyone’s grandma. If the thought comes to her mind then there’s no filter of political correctness to smooth off the rough edges and she says what she thinks ..well…without thinking. She wasn’t feeling well and had missed a couple of meals when I went to visit her. One of the other ladies on her floor stuck her head in the door to check on her well being and left by saying, “I’ll be thinking about you.” My friend turned to me and said, “What the hell does that mean? My cat thinks about me, too. What I need is prayer!” I love it. Another phrase that might confuse the casual visitor to an American church. “Please turn around and greet one another.” At some point in many of today’s services we have a “greeting time.” Some churches make it easy for you and tell you what to say, “Tell them that God loves them,” or “Give them the peace of Christ.” Of course, few folks actually do this, but it’s a good icebreaker. No, no, I’m not against this recent addition to the traditional liturgy, especially considering the fact that it’s the only change most liturgies have had since the Reformation, but I must admit that it seems a bit redundant. Jeannette and Don sit behind me in church and I chatted with them when they came in. After we sat down we spent another five minutes shooting the breeze before the prelude began. I saw them up town and last night and we talked. I emailed Jeannette this week. And now we’re asked to stand, act as if we’ve never met and greet each other again. Again, I’m not complaining…but didn’t we just do this? It’s a small church and I could say the same for most folks seated there on Sunday morning. Some congregants cover over the immediate territory…say, a couple of pews. But some churches have adopted the “total rove” method reminiscent of the opening of the Louisiana Purchase. This all-encompassing meet & greet takes more time as it becomes an ecumenical free-for-all and sometimes rquires four or five polite requests by the pastor to please be seated so we can get out of here in time to beat the Presbyterians to the restaurant after church. “We will now receive our tithes and offerings.” In the first place, we’re giving at this point and not receiving, and what exactly is the difference between a tithe and an offering? Yes, I know that tithes denote some sort of regular, preordained donation, but aren’t all tithes offerings? Maybe just a short glossary inside the front cover of the bulletin would be a help to first-timers. “Join us for fellowship after the service.” ……….The donuts are good. “Development Committee.” ……… Man, we’re broke. “Contemporary Service.” ………. We bought a drum set. “Traditional Service” ……………..Some of us don’t like drums. “Please leave your offering in the plate by the door.” ….. We’re trusting you on this one. “Responsive reading.” ……. Well, sort of. “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.” ……… Just don’t let it get out of hand. “It’s so good to see a crowd today.” ……….. I love Christmas. It’s all good and the real meaning of worship has little to do with the particular pew in which we’ve plopped our fanny. I’m reminded of the story of the little boy who was asked to pray before the family meal. The boy mumbled a prayer, after which his father said, “I couldn’t understand what you were saying,” to which the boy replied, “I wasn’t talking to you, Daddy.”