Cruise Lunacy
The Source
Ken Bradbury
There’s something about a week on a cruise ship that discombobulates your mind. I’m convinced of that. Maybe it’s got something to do with your inner ear or your sense of perspective. You walk around this floating city and convince yourself that you and the 3000 other cruisers must be on dry land then you look over the rail and see the Gulf of Alaska going by. Your mind starts playing tricks. I had the greatest roommate imaginable, an Illinois College student named John. Most teenagers lose their sense of adventure about three days into a trip and start yearning for their Facebook page and a Big Mac. John’s spirit was unflagging, and he greeted each new Alaskan day with a smile and a let’s-get-at-it attitude. He even kept this stalwart outlook the day I poisoned his toothbrush. It’s my habit in rooms without coffee machines to rise early, pour a slug of instant coffee into a plastic cup and enjoy my first hit of the day, stirring the brew with my toothbrush. On the third day of the trip I looked down and discovered that I was not using my toothbrush. It’s a tribute to John’s cheerfulness that when I apologized to him he smiled and said thanked me for sterilizing his toothbrush. Another member of our Jacksonville group was also stricken by cruise craziness when he mistook a tube of Preparation H for his toothpaste. His wife quickly grabbed the tube and read that “If swallowed, contact a physician immediately,” but he settled for a prolonged period of spitting, not knowing the way to word the incident on his insurance form without causing a great deal of embarrassment. Let me repeat that we are not to be blamed for this errant behavior. We were victims of cruise lunacy. When the Alaska-bound cruise ships pull out of Vancouver, they often call upon tugboats to guide them. It’s a big harbor, but the first leg of the northward journey involves passing under the Lions Gate Bridge, connecting Vancouver with the North Shore. In its 75-year history, no cruise ship has ever nicked it and no cruise captain wants to be the first, so the departing ships surround themselves with local tugs to make it safely under the span. One lady in our group noticed the small boats and commented how thoughtful it was for the cruise line to have rescue boats follow us for the next seven days. I’m telling you, cruise lunacy is real. Most of these seaborne flights of temporary insanity are private and the patient recovers quickly, but when the blunder is made over a microphone in front of 500 people it may take the rest of the cruise to live it down. Case in point: the lady who asked a question after our onboard naturalist gave a presentation on the wildlife of Southwest Alaska. She asked, “When did the bald eagles come back from extinction?” Duh. She’d contracted a big case of CL. On a previous Alaskan cruise I’d signed up for a whale watching expedition and when I stepped of our ship to board the bus that’d take us to the catamaran a lady blew past me and literally ran to the bus to get a front seat. When our driver asked her why she was in such a hurry, she said, “I want to sit up front to see the whales.” The guy tried to stifle his laughter as he explained to her that the whales don’t walk up to the bus. We’d have to get on a boat. But the biggest and most common type of psychosis occurs when you try to find your stateroom at night. Whether you’ve been sipping Jack Daniels or Diet Pepsi, the simple act of locating your own bedroom can be the toughest part of your cruise vacation. One man told me that he’d just run into a lady who was looking for her room and she had been booked on the cruise the week prior to ours. The trouble is, they keep switching directions on a cruise ship. What was forward when you enter the dining hall becomes rearward by the time you get your dessert. Keep in mind this is no rowboat. Our ship had five major restaurants, a dozen or so minor cafes, 7 lounges, a spa, pool, 1000 seat theatre, casino, basketball court, helipad, plus acres of lounging areas. You could hardly be blamed for losing your way on the first day or so but when cruise lunacy sets in, you can spend the entire cruise trying to find where you agreed to meet the rest of your party. The cruise industry is terrified of the dreaded norovirus that can spread like fire through a group of passengers and make the boat’s restrooms more popular than the buffets, but the real terror of cruising might be as close as your friend or spouse. Cruise Lunacy…it’s real, baby.