Crumbs of Fortune
The Source
Wonton is the world’s leading producer of fortune cookies and until a few years ago the firm’s CEO, Donald Lau, wrote all the fortunes. Recently Lau grew tired of the job after penning hundreds of thousands of the little rascals and turned the job over to novelist Jay McInervey. When the new guy took the job he tried doing things a bit differently and began writing cookie stuffers that were specific to certain cities and threw in a bit of humor. For example, “You nanny is about to leave you for a family that lives at 740 Park,” and “Your ex will be featured in a nasty item on page six.” Of course some of McInervey’s creations didn’t make it as far as the cookie. One lady sued the company when her travelling salesman husband opened a cookie to read, “You will find new romance as you travel.” But the whole thing got me to thinking. . . Now that Jacksonville has a growing number of Oriental eateries, maybe I could make a buck or two by writing Jacksonville-specific fortune cookie messages. For example. . . “Ancient proverb say City of Jacksonville will continue to raise your tax assessment until you move to Virginia.” “Your oldest child will be admitted to Illinois College but will find no place to park.” “Eat slowly. The Morgan County Health Inspector is behind the screen watching to see if you can swallow.” “You will spend next week stuck behind gray-haired lady slowly making her way down Morton with both turn signals flashing.” “Bad fortune will come your way if your sushi is still moving. Even worse if it makes noise as you approach.” “The lady in the drive-up ahead of you will be ordering for an entire girl scout troop and the population of Woodson.” “Beware of people campaigning door to door claiming to be politicians. They may be politicians.” “Resist complaining. People in Franklin would love to have this traffic.” “Do not shop on Tuesday of this week. A near-sighted little old man will be swerving down aisle three of County Market. His cart will be loaded and he will not see you’re wearing sandals.” “Invest in Murrayville One day it shall rise up and conquer the world.” “Your children will live to see seventeen more hotels in South Jacksonville.” “Yes, the lady in the green frock and flowered tights in the waiting room of the Passavant ER really is staring at you.” “Your youngest daughter will do a research project on why most doctors’ office lounge televisions in Jacksonville are tuned to Fox News.” “Tomorrow you will win the Illinois State Lottery and find two coffee cups in Norma’s café that match.” “Three of your grandchildren will be born while your daughter is trying to find a place to park on the Jacksonville Square.” (“And your daughter will not have been pregnant when she started the search.”) “If you drop a Kiwanis pancake from the top of the Rotary Ferris Wheel it may strike a passing Ambuc on the way to a Lions’ Club meeting.” “The Source will be delivered every Thursday, just ten minutes after you stop to get one.” “Beware the dogs of Hardin Avenue.” “Avoid holding ice cream or small children when the trains pass at Lonzerotti’s.” “Pay your utility bills promptly or the ghost of Mayor Ezard will appear in your aunt’s dreams.” “The old man in the Walk for Wellness at the JHS Bowl really is following you.” “Avoid noisy Presbyterians. They are not real.” I don’t know. Maybe this is a bad idea. There are real dangers in being too specific, and besides, my grandma once told me that if I put three pieces of gum in my mouth at the same time I’d blow up so I’m not much into predictions.