Digital Dithering
The Source
Okay. September 19th….National No-Text Day. 100,000 car crashes a year due to idiots texting while they’re coming at me behind a ton a steel and glass. Good idea. Rah Yeah. But it doesn’t go far enough. What’s with just giving up texting while driving? That’s like giving up watermelon for Lent. Big deal! If you’ve got any guts at all, give your fingers and the rest of us a break on September 19th and don’t text at by-golly-all! You can do it! I know some extremely irritating people who need slapping and I have never once slapped them. If I can refrain from mauling my local motor mouths and super-egos, then surely you can go a single waking day without slapping your thumbs against your IPhone. Grow up! Be a big girl! Be a brave boy! Take the pledge! I jokingly mentioned to a group of friends that researchers have discovered a new neurosis.. “ghost vibrations.” People have actually felt the text signal vibrating in their pockets when they were not carrying a phone in that pocket. The weird thing: every member of my conversation circle admitted to experiencing the same thing. Fine…let’s say you’ve taken the pledge. Trouble is, no one’s adequately described what to do instead of texting for an entire day. Any tobacco therapist knows that in order to kick a habit you have to substitute it with something. After all, if you spend all day thinking about not texting then you’ll spend the whole day thinking about texting. So… Let Dr. Me give you some alternate activities. On the day you decide to stop texting, put your underwear on backwards. Don’t tell anyone you’re doing this, just jump into you shorts facing the wrong direction that morning. Whenever your fingers start itching to send a text message quietly tell yourself, “Hey! I’ve got my underwear on backwards!” This can be used while standing in grocery lines, attending funerals, praying….any time the urge to text comes upon you. Yes, gentlemen, certain adjustments will have to be made during the course of the day, but where there’s a will…. Go through the fast food drive up and when they tell you to have a nice day, ask them why. Start a relationship. Remember, they started it. Pull some taffy. I have no idea how you do this or why people used to do this, but from what Grandma told me it keeps your hands busy and it takes all night. Sort things. I don’t care what. Every one of us needs something sorted…some area of our life where things are just piled up and you’ve told yourself that you’ll get to it someday. Well that day is now, honey. Whatever you sort…bills, sweaters, cats, pill bottles, relatives…you can’t text while sorting. Look at your fingers. Study them. You have five digits on each hand unless you have polydactyly, oligodactyly or you’ve lost one. (I looked that up.) Aside from one other part of the body that I’ll not mention, your fingers contain the largest number of touch and temperature receptors. Watch a baby on the day he discovers his fingers and learns that he can control them. Little Bubba is fascinated and with a little imagination you could be, too. I had a friend in college who could stare at his fingers for hours, flexing and unflexing, tapping one against the other, acting out little plays with his digits. Yes, he also did large quantities of drugs, but similar results can be observed if your sober…and resourceful. Don’t take long walks. This will only make it worse. Anyone who’s tried to break himself of any habit is advised to take long walks. Need a smoke? Take a long walk? A beer? Walk it out. An uncontrollable urge to run over squirrels? Get out of your murderous car and walk. If you’re going to give up texting for an entire day, don’t make yourself more miserable by working up a sweat. Sit down. Lie down. Reward yourself. And if you go into an all-out panic and you simply cannot think what to do with your time, then try talking to somebody..face to face…no thumbing allowed. Stare at something you may not have seen since you got your IPhone…someone else’s eyes. Start a relationship, compliment them, tell them why you appreciate knowing them. And if all else fails and your fingers and thumbs begin to atrophy from disuse for two hours, give me a call. I’ll tell you the people I need slapped.