Duh . . . .
The Source
Duh . . . .
Okay, I’m still new to town. I’ll admit it. My neighbors have been generous with their advice and have tried their best to answer my newcomers questions, but still a few remain, like . . . The gestation period of an African elephant. This is the approximate time between when I contact a local contractor or handyman and when they show up. 22 months on average. I’ve yet to call one of these guys and get the real answer, which is, “I just don’t have time to get to your job.” That would be so much easier and save us both the hassle. Just tell me that either you don’t want the job, can’t get to the job, or figure I can’t pay for the job. Just don’t tell that you’ll be there in a couple of days then go watch an elephant work its way through prolonged labor pains. And why on earth would anyone buy food at a movie theatre? Believe me, I know the price of a box of Jacksonville movie popcorn. It’s the same amount dad paid for my first bicycle. I’ll stand behind a family of four as little Bubba and Bubbette whine for not only popcorn but also candy and drinks the size of a Morgan County cattle-watering trough. Daddy will slide his debit card (no one can carry that much cash) and the family will waddle down the theatre aisle looking as if they’d just packed for a trip to Colorado. If I see them duck into a movie that I’d intended to see then I’ll slip into another movie instead. The chomp and gulp of little teeth and throats don’t add a thing to the latest Star Wars epic. So why didn’t this little clan stop at a fast food place before they came and save themselves next month’s rent? I don’t begrudge anyone’s right to spend his or her hard-earned money. It’s their business and not mine, but if you really can’t go two hours without eating then tuck a candy bar inside your pocket. I know that the movie owners frown on this, but too bad, Charlie. The secret is buy flat snacks that won’t make your pockets bulge. The young lady who takes my breakfast order at 6 a.m. . . .Who could be calling her at that hour? As I’m giving my order for biscuits and gravy she says, “Wait just a minute,” while she types on her IPhone. What sort of earth-shaking news could she be receiving that would force a paying customer to wait until she completes her personal business? And what would she do if I’d order a sausage biscuit then say, “Wait just a minute,” while I answered my phone before completing my order? Is it my imagination or is the campus of Passavant hospital now approaching the size of the Mall of America? Is city government any fun now that Bruce Surratt has retired as commissioner of parks, lakes, and ducks? We spend a great deal of our Jacksonville time waiting in lines, whether at a drive-up window or a retail store. In fact, I often spend more time in line than when I do my actual shopping. Since this is so much a part of our local purchasing experience, why not offer lessons taught by some of the best in town. My nominees: for sheer efficiency the gals at the Jacksonville branch of the U.S. post office can’t be beat, and if you want to do a little happy dance before you eat, go through the evening drive-up lane of our local KFC. I’m often tempted to stop at this chicken palace even when I’m not hungry, just to hear the welcoming and light-hearted voice on the other end of the colonel’s microphone.