Dumb Boat Questions
The Source
I’m not making fun of tourists because I’ve been a tourist, and I’m not making light of dumb questions because no one can beat my record for silly inquiries of tour guides, but when I signed on as honky-tonk piano banger for the Spirit of Peoria riverboat I hadn’t guessed that I’d also be serving as riverboat expert. I work for the boat company so the passengers assume I know what I’m talking about. The most common question and the one that usually stumps me quickest always comes from a passenger gazing out at a town the shoreline and asking me, “What is that?” I’ve found that responding with “Uh…some town,” makes the little old lady from Indianapolis unsure of not only my qualifications but the credentials of the entire crew. After the first month of faking my way most miserably I’ve found that a simple, “I don’t know, but I’ll ask someone,” will mollify them a bit. I quickly explain that I’m new to the boat and don’t have the route memorized. I wonder how many years I can use this. Other common guest inquiries are “How fast are we going?” and “What time will we dock?” I’ve found that “Not very,” and “When the boat touches the shore,” are unsatisfying and brand you as either a ninny or smart aleck, both of which I’ve been at various times but neither of which suit my role as boat employee. Since I know we travel at an average of 10 miles per hour I take a guess and simply say, “We’re scheduled to dock at five,” no matter what the facts may be. But sometimes…oh baby, sometimes it’s all we can do to keep from laughing out loud at some of the things we’re asked. This summer’s short sampling of questions I’ve tried to field along with the answers I’m always tempted to give… and I assure you, I’m not making these up. “Do you generate your own electricity on the boat?” (No, we have a really long extension cord that stretches all the way back to Peoria.) “Can you see the river from the top deck?” (Only if you open your eyes.) “Will these same people be on the boat tomorrow?” (No, we’re switching them out for a load of longhorn steers in Beardstown.) “Are the restrooms in the same place today?” (I don’t know. Open the door and shout “Party Time!” See what happens.) “Do we drink the same water they use in the restrooms?” (Yes, that’s why we ask you to flush twice. It helps keep up the pressure in the bar.) (This one from a lady sitting on the 2nd deck and facing the river…) “Are we on the river yet? (Either that or Peoria is leaking.) And, on this boat trip that leaves from and returns to Peoria, “Is this the Mississippi?” It’s even titled “The Illinois River Cruise.” “Does the crew go home at night?” (Sure. Didn’t you see our Volkswagens tied to the back of the boat?) “Do you ever run out of gas?” (No, funny thing. Diesel engines never seem to run out of gas.) “Where do all those jumping fish come from?” (Uh…China. They’re really, really good swimmers.) “Do you cook the food on the boat?” (We tried putting the kitchen in St. Louis, but it was so far to walk to get the ketchup.) “What if the boat sinks?” (The river’s 12 feet deep, the boat is 48 feet high. Just go to the top deck and enjoy yourself.) “How does the captain steer the boat?” (Very nicely, thank you.) “How much weight do we gain eating like this?” (Only two pounds…an hour.) When it was announced that I’d be playing the piano in ten minutes on the Boiler deck: “Will it be live music?” (I tried playing dead music for years but it seemed to be missing something.) From a lady standing on the back of the boat, actually watching our paddlewheel go round and round, “Are those paddles real?” And finally, “When we stop, does the boat have brakes?” (Yes, it’s called, “Look out! We’re about to hit the dock!”) And of course the biggest revelation for me in all this when in the midst of fielding questions such as “Do you have vegetarian steak?” I realize just how dumb my questions have sounded to a myriad of tour directors over the years. And by the way, the paddlewheels are real.
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