Exciting Jacksonville
The Source
You hear it all the time and from each new generation, “There’s nothing to do. This town is boring.” This usually comes from a person who brings his dullness into the room with him, but it’s best not to point that out for the sake of your friendship. Fact is, I think that although Jacksonville may not be New York that never sleeps nor a Vegas lighting up the Morgan County sky, it’s pretty darned exciting place to be. Let me explain. There’s a well-worn debate about which tourist sight in Paris is the most exciting. Most surveys find The Lourvre Museum, the Eiffel Tower and Montmarte fighting it out for Paris’s hottest spot. For me there’s only one real winner for the most spine-tingling place in the City of Lights and that’s the Arc de Triomphe, but not because of the statuary or the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It’s the traffic, baby. Unbe-honkin’-lievable. No one knows how many lines of traffic circle Paris’s great monument because the lanes aren’t there. Marking off imaginary driving strips, the huge mishmash could accompany at least ten streams of traffic flow, and there’s actually a policy among French insurance companies that once you enter the “circle of death,” your insurance becomes null and void until you escape down one of the side avenues. It’s a wild and glorious nightmare. Have you ever pulled into the Festival Foods/Home Depot lot off Morton? Albeit on a somewhat smaller scale, you can get the same thrill. No markings. No indication of who should go where or who’s turn it is to do what. It’s beautiful. I hope the lot’s owners never put in traffic signals. A bent fender every other month is well worth the adventure. Some say that driving the Los Angeles freeway is one of America’s great contributions to the world of death defying acts. I’ve ridden these high-speed thrillways in a bus and taxi and can attest that only the brave need apply for the job of driving. But have you ever entered the JHS parking lot just as school was letting out? Californians, eat your heart out. The Washington D.C. Beltway is known for the hotbed of political controversy. If you want to survive long in D.C. you’d better be able to back up your opinions since there’s a pundit on every corner. Our dear old Jacksonville need not take a backseat to any incendiary city. Walk into any late-night coffee shop in our little town and simply say, “You know, that Obama is doing a fantastic job!” Excitement! Thrills! Your entertainment is set for the rest of the evening. Walk into another part of town and ask, “Hey! Has anyone read Sarah Palin’s new book?” or stroll into any eatery and simply say, “Boy, it’s great how they’re going to fix up the Jacksonville town square!” No Las Vegas stage show could hope to equal the raw, unfiltered excitement that will be headed your way. One of the real highlights of a trip to London is a visit to Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. Every Sunday morning a collection of loonies gathers to literally stand on soapboxes and shout their complaints, conspiracy theories, lunacies, ramblings, and venom to the world. Then they turn around and heckle each other in Britain’s time-honored homage to free speech. It takes a long time to walk from most hotels to Hyde Park. In Jacksonville all we have to do is read the back page of the newspaper. It’s an exciting town. Of course there are those who’d rather find their adventure tackling the world’s great natural wonders. I’m telling you, we’ve got it all right here. If off-road 4-wheeler action is your thing, take a shot at the speed bumps in Lincoln Square Shopping Center. Then save the cost of shooting the rapids on the Current River. Just take a spin toward the viaduct on East College after a big rain. With enough imagination this town is a veritable Lost Planet of wonders, both natural and manmade. And maybe you’re the sort of wild-eyed daredevil who simply wants to get as close to death as possible without experiencing the actual funeral. To those really foolhardy among us I’d advise traveling through the two Morton Avenue intersections with Westgate and Massey Lane. No two spots in our fair city experience as many drivers running red lights as these crossroads of anxiety. I would add the new entrance to Wal-Mart but even Evel Knieval is waiting for that one to get civilized before he attempts his first crossing. So don’t tell me there’s nothing happening in Jacksonville. Most civilized towns would kill to get their hands on the very delights we take for granted. I can envision some bored Baghdad housewife turning to her husband and saying, “Ahmed, I’m bored. Let’s go to Jacksonville.”