GPS-ed
The Source
Even though I passed the 60 mark a year or so ago, my work still puts me in touch with a great many teenagers and twenty-something’s. In case you’ve not bumped into an electronically-connected young person lately, I’ll tell you that they assume the world and all its knowledge is at their fingertips. They see little need to remember anything because anything they need to know can be retrieved with a couple of swipes on their I-Thing. And 90% of the time they’re right. The information may not be totally accurate but ours wasn’t either at that age. Which brings me to one of the few electronic gadgets I can handle: the GPS. Someone was kind enough to put one under a long-ago Christmas tree and it’s been my boon companion through many a snowstorm in which the road markers were obliterated. I can’t remember the last time I used a map. Last week I was talking to a young boy who had a GPS on his telephone. Cute. I expect to see them implanted in nose rings soon. But as with anything technological, there is always room for improvement. My GPS is a rather basic model but its voiced by a very pleasant and insistent young lady from somewhere in Great Britain. She must have lived here for some time, however, because she knows the back road to Murrayville. But even Yvette (I’ve named my electronic voice) could stand some upgrades. I know this is possible because every techno-savvy teenager tells me that absolutely anything is possible with a bit of intuitive programming. So . . . what do I further want from a GPS that already gives me directions, points me to local restaurants, hotels, and gas stations? To begin with: BW’s. Boring Warnings. “This stretch of Interstate for the next 72 miles will be about the most boring bit of scenery you’ve scene in your life…even if you’ve been to Utah.” This bit of GPS-ed advice will allow me to start tuning in radio stations. Or how about an SW? A Stupidity Warning. “Warning! You are on a two-lane road and some exceedingly stupid people will be driving right at you in 3.7 miles.” Surely a device that give me the time in downtown Tokyo can easily gauge the number of drivers coming at me while texting or talking on their cell phones. The SO (School’s Out) Warning. “Caution! You are about to pass a high school at the very time school is letting out for the day. Please pull over, get in your trunk, and pray fervently.” The MW (Mad Wife) Advisory. “The lady behind you is late to work because she was arguing with her husband this morning. He’s a bum but this morning he was especially bummish and she thinks you’re driving much too slowly.” The DT’s: “You are approaching an extremely Dull Town. Don’t stop unless you’re really low on gas.” The OR: “Your most Obnoxious Relatives are waiting for you when you arrive home. Recalculate! Re calculate!” The CB: “The guy in the Car Behind you is lost and he’s seen that you have a GPS on your dashboard. He thinks that you both may be going to the same place and he’s following you.” Or perhaps the WD: “Who Dressed you this morning? That outfit is so totally wrong.” And finally, how about a good old ILT. “I’m Lost, Too. There’s an intersection coming up in one mile and frankly I don’t have the slightest idea which way you should turn. Does it really matter? I mean, in the large scheme of things is it absolutely vital that you be everyplace on time? Have you thought about the joys of simply getting lost, exploring new territory, opening yourself up to new and fresh experiences? Is what you’re doing all that important that you can’t afford to take a little time off to just be a kid again and take the road less travelled? In fact, in this case there may actually be no road at all. If worse comes to worst, stop and ask directions. Maybe they’ll have a map.”