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Gnats

The Source

I can remember debating my fourth-grade buddies on the worst method of dying. When you’re in grade school, water, fire, and strangulation take center stage over such commonplace methods as stroke, cardiac arrest and restless leg syndrome. Last Sunday I added a new technique to my list: Death by Pound Cake. I’d plopped down into my pew at church to find myself engulfed in choking haze of vanilla. Everyone within striking distance had bathed themselves in the sickeningly sweet aroma of vanilla to ward off the dreaded buffalo gnats. It was a Methodist pound cake. Like taxes, no one knows where they come from or who to blame for their irritation. They just are. Which doesn’t keep us from speculating on why were chosen to become the gnat’s next meal. Theory One: It’s a plague from God. The liberals have finally angered the Almighty to such a degree that he’s sent a plague of insects to make life miserable for everyone who voted for Obama. However, this bright idea dims a bit when you trace the gnat-ology back to its origins two years ago during the Bush administration. So…while you’re rubbing your gnat-bite, scratch any idea of the pests being some sort of ecumenical revenge for a Democratic presidency. After all, according to Fox News, God is a Republican and if the Lord had wanted to truly pester the liberals then he’d have cloned Rush Limbaugh. Theory Two: It’s a new gimmick from the cable TV networks. T.V. viewership has been down for the past three years but with spending time in your yard being akin to hiking the length of the Amazon, more and more folks have stayed indoors these past springs. I tried to do a little yard work last night and resorted to The Housewives of Atlanta. Irritation indoors and out. Theory Three: The bugs have been spawned and set loose by the makers of mosquito netting. It’s the veil maker’s plan to have us all gnat-ily attired in Cabela Inc. hoods while we mow our yards, dash to the car, and listen to Methodist sermons. This net theory has several holes in it, chief among which is the fact that the gnat-nets look so darned ridiculous. A friend of mine in Arenzville jogs with his face netted. He looks like an episode of Wild Kingdom on crack. “Look! Jim will now attempt to elude the vicious Buffalo Gnat! You know, Mutual of Omaha offers similar protection if….” Theory Four was touted just last week by a university professor: We’ve been too efficient in cleaning up our polluted ponds and streams thereby giving the gnats sweeter-smelling honeymoon suite, therefore causing a well-intentioned ecological disaster as the little buggers frolic, go to bars, and have sex in the cleaned-up water. I frankly think this theory has all the earmarks of a buyout of the Discovery Channel by Playboy network. While I’m in favor of every gnat having his shot at the pursuit of happiness, I doubt the fresh-water-copulation theory. Theory Five: (Also known as the Dick Cheney Theory). The gnats are not a real bother to anyone, they don't hurt, and in fact they’re necessary to national security. And of course the tactics for repelling the gnats are as varied and harried as the theories of their existence. Last year’s deflect-all was Absorbine Junior. I’ve tried the stuff and am convinced that this was a rumor percolated by the makers of Absorbine Jr. One of my local gnat experts tells me that last year’s gnats actually did abhor the stuff but that this year’s crop has developed immunity. Imagine…developing a biological resistance to a muscle soother while dormant in the larva stage. That’s what I call a knowledgeable gnat. Today I read that any bug spray with Deet will avert the little rascals. I’ve tried that. Either my Deep had gone off the deep end or the company’s in league with Absorbine Jr. Which brings us to the aroma emanating from my Methodist pew. Plain old vanilla. I don't mind vanilla. My grandmother smelled like vanilla. That’s why I refuse to try it on the buffalo gnats. I don't want the memory of my dear old grandma mixed in with my nightmares of gnat-slapping. Let us all now turn to “Shall We Gather at the River,”…then run.