Grandma Got It Wrong
The Source
I’ve made it a practice never to disagree with anything my grandmother told me. After all, grandmothers are wise…they have the ear of God. And they’re old…that should could for something. But sometimes…sometimes I think Grandma may have missed the mark. She was always telling us, “God has a purpose for everything.” Okay. That sounds generic enough to cover most of the universe, and it’s got just enough emotional salve in it to allow a fifth-grade boy with the measles to go to sleep even though his class will be taking a field trip to Mark Twain’s Cave tomorrow without him. But Grandma, God bless her fried chicken, never used the Internet. There are some things floating around cyberspace that would cause her to rethink her adage about nothing happening outside the will of God. Either that or God takes some weekends off and goes to Branson, leaving the rest of us to flounder in an ungodly universe. This week I received a fetus on my Facebook page. Okay, it wasn’t an actual fetus, but a picture of some lady’s sonogram. Actually, it looked like a Beluga whale breaching while being caught on camera by a very cheap Kodak 110 camera. It was more blob that baby. I opened my page and came face to face with the inside of a woman’s stomach and thought…”Oh no! Don’t do this to me! I know it’s real and it’s a blessed little speck of something or other, but don’t send me pictures!” In fact, I’d rather skip the pix of the newly born…wait until they’re about 32 and know how to part their hair. I don’t care how the Internet may be opening up the world, making us all one in brother/sisterhood, and democratizing the universe, there are some things that a normal person ought to keep private. Fetus’s are at the top of the list. Twittering and tweeting is all the rage. I have a friend in Texas who insists on sending a message to my Facebook page every time he makes a move. I’m serious. “Got up at noon!” “2 p.m…picking up stuff at Walmart!” “5:30 headed out for the evening!” “7p.m. Smokey Joe’s Barbecue!” Yes, I know…I can block him from access to my page, but he’s a good kid whose feelings are easily hurt. His only real fault is that he’s stupid. Aside from the fact that I doubt there’s a soul who cares where Jerry is tonight, he opens himself up to anyone who’d like to rob him blind. A home intruder no longer needs a crowbar, just a cell phone. Some of the most embarrassing Internet posts are from those wayward souls who write things like, “I am now single.” Are we supposed to apply for the job? Or “Now in a relationship.” Great…a million people in cyberspace are dying to know that. We can now all go to bed assured. …if somewhat bored by your need to announce your romantic adventures to the entire world. Another of Grandma’s mini-homilies was “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” I always wanted to respond, “But Grandma, that would be sooooo boring.” However, in fairness to God and Grandma I’ll admit that it’s been a great joy to renew old acquaintances via Facebook and other social networking sources….. a poorly-motivated, nearly-dropout student who now owns a flourishing insurance business in Omaha…..a former go-go girl with my 60’s rock band who’s now a go-go-grandma in Michigan (and still looks darned good in a miniskirt) ……. a hard-partying high school buddy who used to tear up the streets on Saturday with his Pontiac GTO and is now an editor for “The Upper Room” Christian devotional company….. a poker-playing buddy who now flies from St. Louis to Washington every Monday morning as one of the nation’s most expensive lobbyists…. A bashful little boy who auditioned for one of my Theatre Guild shows and was recently ordained into the priesthood…. A shy little Triopia rascal who’d miss school on the day he was to get in front of the class to give a speech and who is now a Presbyterian minister….and girl I dated in high school who now has grandchildren and undoubtedly tells them that God has a reason for everything. Okay Grandma, I’m still listening.