Grave Words
The Source
There’s surely nothing more disconcerting than to walk up to a gravestone of your beloved in the cemetery and have the dearly departed start talking to you. I’ve not had this happen, but if it did I imagine the undertaker would be digging a new grave shortly. An Israeli, Yoav Medan, recently suffered the loss of his mother. He couldn’t decide what to write on her tombstone since there was so much he wanted to say. The dutiful son has a QR code scanned and then laser-carved onto the back of mom’s tombstone. When you visit Mom’s grave in Haifa, Israel, you can now scan the code with your handheld device and bring up pictures and tributes to the dearly departed. Video may also be embedded, so if you choose you can leave your parting words to whatever mourner, tourist, or lawn care worker who might walk by. Denso Wave, a Tokyo-based company came up with the technology back in 1994. This is the same little code you find on the back of your magazines, boxer shorts, and beer cans. This time it’s Grandma. And it works two ways. By checking the code you can tell who’s come to visit recently and if you so choose, you can set up a virtual grave. That’s right: a virtual grave. I’m not sure whether you must be virtually dead to use it. You can light virtual candles on the deceased’s memorial website and in some cases view the funeral service in real-time. If you miss the funeral, just drop by the grave tomorrow and give it a scan. But all this does give rise to an even newer business opportunity: Grave Scanner Consulting. I mean, how else do you start on making your final (and eternal) words to the world unless you have some good advice? Like….well…. What do you wear for your final tribute? Do you go shopping or just pull something from the closet? You don’t want to appear dated to future generations of young scanners cruising by your grave, so perhaps you’ll need to opt for a timeless look…perhaps a shroud or a toga. You certainly can’t dress for the future or you’ll end up looking like George Jetson. You’ll need a consultant. The setting…a comfy lounge chair out beside your favorite lake? Your easy chair? No. Easy chairs make you look lumpy. They sag. Perhaps you should do a moving shot, having the camera follow you as you walk down a tree lined street near your home. I’m considering something wet…like just my head bobbing out of the Nichol’s Park pool, leaving my future generations to guess what I looked like from the neck down. Hairstyle? I’ll let others worry about that one. And there’s nothing that spiffs up a presentation like a little music playing in the background, but what sort of tunes do you want wafting out over the cemetery while you’re giving your scanned swan song? Do you try to match it to your personality with “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen,” go spiritual to the tune of “Happy Days Are Here Again?” or simply be practical with “Another Bites the Dust?” Which brings us to the most important part of your digital dirge: What should you say? Anyone who’s suffered through the boring thank-you speeches of the Oscar ceremony knows that a long list of people who got you where you are is doing to be a graveyard flop. So should you tell a few jokes? Probably not. They were likely old jokes when you heard them and in another 200 years who knows what’ll be funny? You could try to cheer up the mourners with a line or two: “Hey! You’re standing in my light! Move over a bit, would you?” or “Did you know you’re unzipped?” (rim-shot, a bit of canned laughter). Or maybe, “You know, a funny thing happened to me on my way down the freeway this morning!” I suppose that most folks will forego the humor and just get to the nut of the thing: Here’s who I was and what I believed. Here’s who I loved and here’s why I loved them. Me? I may change my mind by the time I get scanned, but I sort of favor a line of dancing girls in the background . . . something to grab and hold the scanner’s attention and keep him from moving on to a more interesting tombstone. Maybe a big production number with strobe lights and mirror balls? No, maybe not. You’re supposed to live with humility and I suppose that’s the way you should go out. I think I’ll forego the QR code completely and go for the inscription that the late British comedian Spike Mulligan wanted on his tombstone: “I told you I was sick.”