Jackso-Leaks
The Source
I knew it would come to this. Sooner or later the phenomena would spread to Jacksonville. The Internet spyster organization WikiLeaks that has turned the world of espionage and political gossip on its bugged ear has finally come to Morgan County. You avid Internet freaks out there have no doubt read the news already, but for those of you who’ve yet to learn what the sources have discovered, here’s the latest: ---Jacksonville Parks and Lakes superintendent Bruce Surratt is raising and training a herd of terrorist ducks in a long-forgotten backwater of Lake Jacksonville. Although Surratt has never been among the most trustworthy of bureaucrats, this time he’s taken a step deep into the duck droppings and secretly convened a covey of quackers trained to roam the newly-renovated town square …as soon as it’s newly renovated. It’s Surratt’s fear that the spacious tree-lined beauty of our new downtown will draw folks away from Nichol’s Park and in short order he’ll be out of a job. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but is it just a coincidence that Patrick Darrow has opened a new pet shop on the east side of the square? ---The cities of Beardstown, White Hall, Springfield and Decatur have been hired people to call in to one of our town’s most notable complaint columns. They are counting that if enough snide and hurtful comments are phoned in to the Mope ‘n Whine, that businesses will be better attracted to other cities. ---The Three-Legged Dog is a cat. In a ploy for sympathy, the popular downtown coffee house was named for an animal that would elicit greater empathy on the part of the coffee-drinking public and thus increase business. A nation-wide poll showed that more dogs a person owns, the greater the owner has for coffee. Cat loves tend to drink tea. ---Wal-Mart has begun legal proceedings to incorporate. Not content with being the major purveyor of all things edible, wearable and Oriental, they have issued papers with the State Comptroller’s Office to incorporate themselves as a city…nay, a world…unto their own. In addition to its current offerings it plans to build its own in-house hospital, amusement park, and housing units. The Arkansas-based company in a previously secret memo stated, “From now on you can be born, live and die in Wal-Mart with no reason for ever leaving the electronic doors.” ---The new Interstate skirting the south edge of Jacksonville is actually a device concocted by the progressive, socialist-leaning Obama administration to strategically cut off every Republican-leaning city in Illinois. Note: as you approach town the road bends to the left. ---Mayor Andy Ezard has secretly entered into negotiations with OPEC to turn the entire length of Morton Avenue into one long gas station. You’ll be able to pull in across from Steak and Shake then exit at the Blackhawk. ---Chamber of Commerce president Ginny Fanning has been cloned. Much like Santa Claus who seems to appear at whatever store you’re visiting, the sprightly young representative of Jacksonville’s business community was secretly shipped off to Zurich, Switzerland, last May where her DNA was extracted and seven exact duplicates are now wandering the streets and meeting halls of Jacksonville, showing up at every conceivable banquet, meeting, and gathering. There’s no other explanation for Fanning being seen everywhere. Further Internet leaks confirm that the clones are fueled solely on coffee and baked chicken. ---The towns service clubs…the Rotary, Kiwanis, Ambucs, Lions, Jaycees, etc. are known terrorist organizations. They know that any nation that’s too happy and content is prime for overthrow. So they continue to make things better for the kids, those with physical and mental challenges, those needing assistance, hoping that if we smile enough, love each other deeply, and look out for the concern of our fellow man we’ll become hopelessly naïve and thus primed for conquest. At last report, Wiki was still leaking. Stay tuned.