Jacksonville Flashers
The Source
The national census is a good idea. I’m not knocking it. I mean, the U.S. constitution . . . the same sacred document that as of two weeks ago according to the Supreme Court allows corporations to buy politicians outright… requires it, so it must be a good thing. But something’s missing…time and temperature. You see I used to drive a Buick that told me the outside temperature. Then I drove a Pontiac that told me the time, temperature, and road conditions. My brother drives an Toyota Avalon that gives him everything from the NFL scores to a back massage. Now I drive a Honda that doesn’t tell me anything. Maybe it’s angry or I simply don’t speak the language. Jacksonville has many fine businesses, mostly banks, which provide me this service as I drive by. Oh, I usually know the time… my Honda came with a watch… but especially in this icy/snowy/almost-but-not-quite frozen/slushy/freezing fog winter we’ve had, it’s important to me to know that when I approach the intersection of McDonald’s and Jiffy Lube I can keep from becoming a part of the UPS truck’s rear bumper. This is vital information…even to a Honda owner. Especially to a Honda owner considering the bulk of the typical UPS truck. Here’s my contribution to the census…. I’ve taken an informal but highly scientific sampling of Jacksonville time and temp signs and submit the following: I’ve broken the signs down by ratio, advertisements to needed information. For example, the Baywash carwash on Morton has a 14-3 ratio. You must watch 14 seconds of carwash ads for three seconds of time and temperature. (Yes, I drive around with a stopwatch in my pocket. Don’t you?) Actually, Baywash has one of the better ratios. At the far end of the spectrum is the Prairie State Bank on West Lafayette where 20 seconds of bank ads will get you exactly 1 second (I’m not kidding…a frog’s heartbeat) of time and temp. If you miss it you’ll have to stop while traffic backs up all the way past Eisenhower school. I’m sure it’s a nice bank with nice people and nice complimentary ballpoint pens, but if you’re in a gauge-less Honda in West Jacksonville you’d best cruise on down to Morton. First National Bank has a couple of flashing facilities. The new one on Morton boasts a tolerable 9-2 ratio (strange…time but no temp…you’ll know exactly what time you crash) and the building on South Main gratefully gives you a solid time and temp without any advertising at all. Okay, red print on a red background is a bit tough to decipher but at least you don’t have to pull off the road to watch a commercial on interest rates. Tom Henry’s International dealership on the far end of Morton is perfect for the slow readers among us coming in with a leisurely 10 seconds of time and temp with 21 seconds of snowplow ads. Of course you’ll have to slow down to 20 mph to catch it all. Then there are the truly blessed informational signs that blink only the time and temp with no holding up traffic to get the vitals. The Jacksonville Savings Bank on Morton flips back and forth between the time and temp at 2 seconds each with its facility on North Main yielding its stats at a second longer. The J’ville Savings and Loan on the square blinks its information at an even more comfortable 3 ½ seconds. (It’s a really good stopwatch.) I’m not exactly knocking these fast flashers. After all, the time and temperature is a service they don’t have to provide at all and just because I drive a Japanese car with only the bare minimum of conveniences, that hardly makes me entitled. My only humble suggestion would be to perhaps reduce the ad-to-info ratio . . . at least enough to get the guy behind me to stop honking. I’ve looked at the census forms we’ll all be answering, and nowhere …and this may be hard to believe…but nowhere does it ask you how long the temperature flashes at your local banking facility. ‘Tis a pity. Maybe I should just resort to the method we use at the bank in Arenzville. You look on the eaves as you drive by and if they’re dripping you know it’s safe.