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Let’s Pretend

The Source

Greetings from the Ridge. Let’s just pretend…just for a minute, okay? Let’s pretend that I’ve just spent ten or fifteen or fifty dollars for my seat tonight and let’s pretend that I’m sitting in the row behind you. Then you decide to hold your phone camera up in front of my face to make a movie of what’s happening onstage. I lean right, you lean right, I go left and you follow. You no doubt have an app on your phone that tells you which way I’m heading. Let’s pretend that I don’t like this. This is fun! Let’s pretend some more! Let’s pretend that I’ve waited for months to see this concert or this play and that for once I got really good seats. But let’s pretend that again that my seat is behind you when you can’t get your camera phone to work properly so you turn to your wife and loudly ask if she knows how it works. I’ve already moved over one seat so I can see around your camera, and now after a prolonged conversation where you irritate everyone around you, Mrs. Bubba holds the camera in front of my face. Let’s pretend that this isn’t a nice thing to do. Just pretend. And while we’re pretending, let’s pretend that you are an extremely inconsiderate jerk and you’re filming the entire thing with your tablet. Let’s pretend that the tablet is about the size of the yard markers at a football game and now you have blotted out the entire stage from my view. It would be easier and just as effective if you’d have brought a curtain to the concert and dropped it in front of my face. But maybe you’re a semi-considerate idiot and you try to film the performance from a lower position in front of your chest. Now our entire section of the theatre is lit up by the glow of your screen. It would have been so much easier to simply bring a spotlight and shine it in my face, but you could not get a spotlight into your purse. Let’s pretend that this really burns my butt. Gee! This is so much fun to pretend! Let’s do a little more! Let’s pretend that you’re bored with what’s going on onstage so you simply bring out your phone and start checking your texts during the show. Now our entire row is lit by a soft, green glow. This is really cool if we’re watching a film on the Amazon rainforest or a lecture on exotic types of mold where the color green would add a little atmosphere, but let’s pretend that I don’t go to films about the Amazon and I could care less about mold. Let’s pretend you’re ruining the whole thing for me. We could do a little more pretending and imagine that our rights as an audience member are at least equal to and perhaps even greater than your rights as a videographer. Wow! Can you imagine that? And let’s further pretend that when you go home and upload your video of little Suzie dancing or Bobby playing the trumpet that no one really wants to see it. Offended? Hey! I’m just pretending! So let’s pretend that after you’ve filmed little Suzie in her dance recital that you now have a piece of film that the rest of us have very little interest in seeing. If we did we’d have gone to the recital ourselves and seen the full-life version. And now this is going to take a lot of imagination, put let’s just pretend that your son or daughter or cousin onstage would rather look out into the crowd and see your smiling, appreciative face instead of the glow of a cell phone. Wowsers! Now that takes some real pretending! Or let’s pretend that this is a professional production and they began the show by announcing that absolutely no recordings may be made. Now in addition to blocking my view you’re making me very uneasy sitting directly behind a felon. Let’s pretend that this pretty much ruins my night. Let’s take a big chance here and speculate whether or not you may be suffering some sort of technological malady whereby you get more enjoyment watching an event through a three-inch screen than seeing the event live. Let’s pretend that your mind cannot hold anything that you can’t capture digitally. Or we could pretend that the only reason you came to the concert or recital or play was so that you could film it thus prove to others that you were there. Let’s pretend that you don’t really care much for what’s happening on stage but that it’s really important that you prove that you are a real world traveler. “But,” you say, “how will I be able to capture this magic moment if I can’t film it?” Well . . . try putting down your camera phone and use your memory. Just pretend! You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you'll enjoy the trip.