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Once is Plenty

The Source

There are a handful of things that you do once, you’re glad you tried it, and you never intend to do it again. I once took a mountain climbing lesson and while hanging from a rope over what looked like a thousand miles of expanse below me and remembering that I hate heights I cancelled the second lesson. Eating beef tongue would fall into that category. When people talk of eating tongue I’m glad I know what they’re speaking about but have no desire to ever again put a cow’s tongue on mine. And I’d put Russia into the tongue category. Been there, done that, and that’ll do. And may the great gods of Jacksonville forgive me but I’ve ridden my last Ferris Wheel. It’s like mountain climbing without the snow. I had a feeling that I was traveling to yet another once-only-thank-you event when a group of my Lincoln Land students insisted that I go with them to attend a movie that in their words “Was just the best ever and you gotta see it.” I don’t think I’d gone to a movie with teenagers since I was one myself and if I remember correctly my purpose then was romantic rather than cinematic. But I went. You can’t turn down a group of teens with such an interest in the fine arts. And since I was old enough to be their grandpa no one could accuse me of dating a harem. I’ll skip any mention of the movie itself. Suffice it to say that the gap in generations was yawning as wide as my mouth by the end of the film. So instead of enjoying this best-ever show I contented myself with the habits of teenage movie watching. This is not a judgment, simply observation from the far side of adolescence. Let me state at the outset that these were comparatively mature, responsible kids. I know plenty of the others and I’m tickled to death that my teacher friends are instructing that group. When the college labels your theatre class, “With permission of the instructor,” you enjoy a privilege that I’d wanted for years teaching in the public school system, so what I’m describing here is probably some of the most refined and respectable teen movie behavior. Observation 1: Movies are no longer for simply watching. They are social events and you are free to talk during most social events. At one point I asked a nice little blonde beside me, “How can you tell what’s going on when everybody’s talking?” She looked at me like a fossil hunter peering into an ancient crypt and said, “Oh, we’ve already seen it. We know what’s going to happen.” I wanted to ask her why we’d come but by then she was busy talking to the girl beside her. Ob 2: It’s permissible to talk to the actors on the screen. This sort of delighted me since it harkened back to stories that my dad told me about the Perry, Illinois, movie house when movies were new. And old fellow named Art Todd would sit in the front row and shout warnings to Gene Autry and Roy Rogers, trying his best to save them from the bad guys sneaking around the far rock. My little audience shouted things like, “Nice butt!” but at least it was good to see them taking an active part in the Hollywood film industry. Maybe the fact that my crew consisted of actors made them more verbal. Ob 3: The typical teen movie audience is filled with critics, but not of the movie. It’s the audience who are reviewed when you’re sitting with a group of teenage girls. During the first half of the movie I was informed that a girl sitting two rows in front of us had a really cool scarf available at some shop in Lincoln Square for twenty-two dollars, and that a kid who came in late was a former JHS Homecoming King and was really hot. It’s a good thing he wasn’t wearing her scarf if he was that warm. Ob 4: Long, manicured fingernails make a really irritating sound when scraping the bottom of a cardboard popcorn box. Ob 5: There are approximately twenty-seven different positions that a teenage body can assume while watching a movie, none of which can be found in the latest Miss Manners manual. Ob 6: You don’t have to pay close attention to a movie when sitting with teens. Just before something important or exciting or funny or bloody happens, they will grab your arm and say, “Oh watch this! This is cool! Ob 7: I like to sit on the aisle but when you’re with a group of girls who are ingesting large quantities of soda you’d best opt for the seat against the wall lest your feet fall into the high traffic area. Ob 8: I am way to old to ever do this again. Done it once and now I’m set for live.