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Pianos

The Source

My mother wanted to choke me. Since I was old enough to crawl up onto the piano bench I’d been in love with the sound of a honky-tonk piano. Of course, my mother’s finely made German piano had all the soothing tones of a Presbyterian funeral service and was about as non-honky and un-tonk as you could get. That’s when I came up with the thumbtack idea. A single thumbtack stuck carefully into the felt hammer of each note would provide a clattering chord befitting a Wild West barroom. I guess I should have told her I’d tacked her fine Gulbransen piano, for when she sat down to rehearse for church I heard a very un-Presbyterian shriek. The instrument was in my bedroom so there was little I could do to escape the sound. But the real mystery…at that time there should have been about 2 billion people in the world, and out of all those sneaky, untrustworthy possibilities, she turned and looked at me. At me! Of course she was right, and I had to remove the thumbtacks before church. Actually, many of them had fallen down inside the piano and although I still own the instrument now some fifty years later, there are still errant tacks lying about the bottom of the sound board….ghosts of Miss Kitty’s Saloon. I’ve not played every piano in Jacksonville. In fact, if you have a keyboard in your home then I probably haven’t played it. I don’t sneak in under the cloak of night and tinkle in people’s living rooms. But most of the biggies around town…yeah…whether it be a wedding, funeral, shower, reunion, fundraiser or reception, chances are good that I’ve had a chance to test them. Let’s start with a couple of grands…piano, that is. Illinois College and Mac Murray both boast concert grands in the their chapels and both are fine instruments. IC’s needs a bit more pressure to play and Mac has the most comfy piano stool. Both have built in wheels..this is important. If you put a regular piano up on wheels then your ankles cramp somewhere between the seating of the bride’s mother and the final “I do.” Three of Jacksonville’s banquet halls have ankle-breakers. I’m not complaining…at least they’re easier to move. Ironically, some of Jacksonville’s grandest churches have the most pedestrian pianos. Admittedly, the piano is a secondary instrument in many mainline churches, leaving the starring role for the pipe organ. I can remember touring England’s Canterbury Cathedral and listening to the organ...installed in 1886 and grown stronger with each passing organist. It’s the size of Denmark and when this organ located on the southern coast of England is played full-bore, it becomes yet one more reason for the French to hate the British. I asked the rector, “Do you have a piano?” He looked at me as if I’d just stuck chewing gum on the crucifix and said, “In a cathedral!?” Oops. Sorry, father. I have sinned. But the Jacksonville churches that make best use of their piano and disdain the elegantly archaic sounds of the pipes have some wonderful instruments. … First Assembly of God, The Lord’s Congregation, Church of the New Covenant… all pianos made to ‘rouse the Holy Spirit and call the congregation to praise. I’ve heard that a past pianist at Assembly would actually break strings with his pounding. Now that’s honky-tonkin’, baby! And of course the tendency in churches is to over-decorate the piano with sound-deadening cushions, tapestries, doilies, and every manner of hoity-toity. Much in the manner people who will put pants on their dog for the July 4th parade, it handicaps his stride and does nothing but irritate the dog. The best pianos are those whose sounding board is open for the world to hear, not shoved up against a sanctuary wall and unadorned with the appropriate colors of the current religious season. And for God’s sake (and I mean that).. let this instrument of wood and string and ivory rest upon a hard surface! What’s the use of Mr. Hammond breaking his talented fingers to produce a resounding chord if you put it on a five-pile carpet (usually red) to soak up the tones before they reach your ear? My vote for the town’s most pleasing piano? Again, I’ve not played them all, but I’d vote for the mini-grand at Centenary Methodist. Not only does the instrument respond to the pressure of a gnat’s breath, but it’s located in such a way that the pianist can actually see what’s going on. Most churches ask their pianists and organist to play with their back to the door, knowing full well that this is how Jesse James was shot. And between you and I and the worship committee, some of Jacksonville’s best church pianos are in the basement or the fellowship hall. Chances are they once filled the sanctuary with their joyful noise but they’ve since been replaced by a piano chosen for its qualities as fine furniture. Worst piano in a public place in Jacksonville? Alas…that’s an easy choice for me. In fact, no other piano comes close. I have twice wrestled, fought, and beaten this 88-toothed monster in one of our local halls. I’ve actually never played it. “Playing” denotes some sort of cooperation between the piano and the pianist. This piano not only does not cooperate, it fights back. Not only do half the keys not work, the miscreant notes change from playing to playing. I’ll think, “Okay, nothing in A-flat tonight because the black keys are atrophied.” Then I’ll sit down to this ogre of a keyboard six months later and it will be the white keys who’ve decided to succumb to lockjaw. Next time I’m simply bringing drumsticks. I’ll pound out the rhythm and ask the audience to provide the melody. Where is this denizen from Mozart’s nightmares? A final alas… ‘twould be unkind to say for it’s always surrounded by a wonderfully sympathetic audience. So how do you keep your local keyboard in a state of melodic bliss? Tune it, for gosh sakes. Put it on a hardwood floor, stop decorating it like a Burgoo float, and most importantly, hire some young Van Cliburn to come in and just pound the puddin’ out of the thing. Pianos like pounding. I know. I’ve asked them. And if all else fails, buy some thumbtacks.