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Santa Claus: Guilty as Charged

The Source

We put Santa on trial five times and the verdict was always the same: Guilty! The premise was simple: I wrote a play exploring whether the idea of Santa Claus had ruined the true spirit of Christmas. Let’s be honest, unless you’re a confirmed druid, the origin of Christmas is Christ-centered. It’s not called Santa-mas. No matter where you stand on how to celebrate the 25th of December, you’ll have to admit that an actor in a fuzzy red suit ho-ho-ho-ing his way down the echoing hallways of White Oaks Mall is a long way from a babe in a cow’s manger. Something has happened. I assembled a group of actors and gave them the assignment of either defending Saint Nicholas in a court of law or prosecuting the old bugger for ruining a holy day. Both groups did their work then turned the results over to me. I wrote a courtroom drama in which Santa Claus is put on trial for a felony, “Malicious Holiday Mauling,” and at each performance we’d choose a jury of twelve from the audience. They’d listen to the evidence by watching the play, and then they’d repair to a jury room to come up with a verdict. To make this work I had to write two endings for the show and the actors of course had to learn both final scenes: Guilty Santa, Not So Santa. As playwright I made sure that the case was not lopsided. I wrote a brilliant defense for the old elf as he claimed that he too had humble beginnings, whether in Greece or the Byzantine Empire, but that originally he was a simple man going around the village giving gifts to children. I tried to make him a victim of circumstances and that marketing and popular music were the real culprits. Heck, after looking at the script I could have easily rendered a not guilty verdict. ‘Twas never the case. Our juries found him guilty every blasted time….even when I purposely salted the jury pool with young children. Our peer system of trial by jury became a vicious posse of Santa-blamers. The problem? The prosecution pulled a fast one. They went into grade school classrooms with a video camera and asked the kids a simple question: “When you think of Christmas, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind?” The answers were invariably centered on receiving gifts and sometimes Grandma’s pies would pop up. No child…not a one…mentioned the birth of Christ. I accused my actors of editing the tapes, and they showed me the raw footage. No baby Jesus ended up on the cutting room floor. I’m sure that these were not runny-nosed little heathens with thoughts of Toys ‘R Us and Wal-Mart Super Sales dancing in their heads, but if you’re five years old, your mind doesn’t always naturally run to matters theological. It was a month before Christmas and these innocent little rascals were not thinking of church services. So the prosecution team in the show simply played a short version of their answers. Even though the audience knew what they were fishing for they sat there at each performance with their mouths agape. It didn’t help things that each of our performances was presented in a church. One showing at St. Peter’s in Arenzville featured a jury foreman who when asked the verdict shouted, “VERY GUILTY AS CHARGED!” The audience applauded. In fact, the audience applauded at every performance when the verdict was announced. Our opening night even featured a lady in the audience shouting, “Amen!” The actors would lower their heads, knowing that they’d never get to perform the other ending of the play. One young defense attorney worked it so his own father was chosen as a member of our jury and after hearing the evidence, even Dad voted against his son’s team. So what are we to think? Has the jolly old elf truly put the kibosh on all things holy? Santa still has his defenders and detractors. I’ve known several families over the years that have dissuaded their children from the Santa story, but asked them to keep the truth quiet among their pre-school friends. I guess that’s a good compromise…..don’t step on my Santa and I won’t kick yours. Frankly, I’ve always looked upon a laughing Santa as many children view clowns…something that’s supposed to bring joy, but instead makes you wet your terrified little drawers. I keep thinking of the department store Claus in the movie “A Christmas Story,” whose face became distorted in a fisheye lens as he breathed into poor little Ralphie’s face and threatened, “HO!...HO!...HO!” then stuck his boot in the kid’s face sending him down the Santa slide onto the body of his hapless little brother. Innocent or guilty? I once walked with my grandpa into his tool shed and saw a 20-pound sledge hammer. The thing looked terrifying. I asked Grandpa if it was a tool or a weapon. He said, “Well you can drive a post with or knock a feller in the head. I guess it’s all in how you use it.”