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The Exit Huggers

The Source

Some day I’ll figure this out but so far no luck. An audience member will enter a large auditorium, take a seat in the very back corner, and then complain that she can’t hear or see the show. I wonder if after the show they go home and hit themselves with a hammer then wonder why it hurts. Researchers have actually studied this phenomenon . . . why people choose to sit where they do. Those who’ve examined university classrooms have found that the better students tend to sit toward the front of the class. They’re not sure if they’re smarter because they sit there or they sit there because they’re smarter. I can speak from personal experience and say that the more I enjoyed a college class, the closer I sat to the front. When Dr. Charlie Frank lectured on English Lit. I was in the front row. When Lynette Seator took us through the tortures of learning Spanish I tried my best to crawl inside the paint in the rear of the Crispin Hall lecture room. So . . . how does this translate into church seating? Do the dumber students sit in the back and the biblical geniuses camp out in front of the pulpit? I know this is probably not true since my position as the pianist requires me to sit on the front row and if you ask me to find Leviticus in my Bible you’ll have to give me a page number. Just why do many folks do a man scramble to get the back pews? Again, someone has actually researched this but the conclusions are fuzzy. Most psychologists agree that it makes us nervous to have someone behind us. I don’t completely understand this since when you figure that the world is made up of about 8 billion people, if you stand up at least 4 billion of these folks are behind you somewhere. And if you can tolerate 4 billion looking at the crooked hem in your dress every day then why should it matter if a handful of Methodists or Baptists are looking? All of which is to say, go ahead and sit where you want but please don’t complain if you can’t see or hear everything. The action is up front. That’s why they call it the “front.” We once did a performance at Grace Methodist since the sightlines and aisles as well as the congregation are so welcoming at their State Street sanctuary. I’ve never been a fan of microphones, preferring instead that a part of an actor’s training is learning to speak up and be heard. Grace has an interesting seating arrangement in that their main chapel adjoins their fellowship hall with a series of glass windows separating the two. One lady and her companion put a whole new meaning on the term, “back row” when they actually sat behind the panes of glass. They were actually in a different room from the performance. And yes, after the show one of them told me, “I’m sure it was a nice play but I couldn’t hear it very well.” I wonder if she watched mime performances wearing a blindfold. Does anyone call down to Busch Stadium and say, “Could you give me a ticket in the very back row of right field as far away from the action as possible?” What happens to us when we walk into a church and immediately seek out seats in the back of the stadium? Does this mean that we’re more afraid of God than Fredbird the Redbird? Maybe we’re not serving enough Budweiser at communion. Heck, most churches don’t even have a Jumbotron. A friend once told me that her little daughter didn’t much want to go to church so to make it more interesting for the little tot, the family let the girl pick out where they would sit. My friend told me, “We didn’t keep that up. She was always wanting to sit up front where she could see what was going on!” Did that mean that mama didn’t? Then there’s the old and tired excuse of, “Well, that’s where my family has always sat.” If my memory of history serves me correctly, some fine old families of Salem, Massachusetts, used to carry on a tradition of burning young girls at the stake for witchcraft. Sometimes family traditions could stand a bit of inspection. Of course this could all be based upon a desire to be close to the nearest exit in case of tornado, fire, flood, or opera. However, I’m willing to guess that if churches put new exits near the pulpit that it would make much of a difference. Besides, where could you find a more convenient place to expire? Okay, to be completely honest I’ll admit that when my group does a performance I’m just glad to see you enter the door. Whether or not you actually want to hear the show is up to you. We won’t ask you to sing, dance, or even clap along. Just keep coming . . . even you folks in the back row.