This Family Is Bugged

The Source

by Ken Bradbury

‘Tis the season for family reunions…fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-yawn. I’ve been required to attend a number of these Sunday outings in the Midwest undergrowth and have sorted and classified the various types of in-laws, outlaws and there-oughtabe-a-laws. If your tastes run toward the insect kingdom or if you’ve just attended a family reunion of your own then you might recognize a few. The first species is BORUS KODACHROMAS. The Kodachromas is a bug who has pouches all over its body. Each of these pouches contains about a hundred snapshots of the bug’s offspring. This is in spite of the fact that all of the bug’s children are right there on the picnic grounds in the flesh. The Kodochromas is easy to detect since his appearance is nearly always preceded by a strong odor of developing fluid. The ADOLESCENTUS IMPATIENTUS. The Impatientus is a bug of any species somewhere between the larva and adult stages. They tend to hang around the edges of family reunions jangling the keys to their cars and mumbling such enlightened phrases as “Mom can I go now?” and “You told that story last year, Uncle Harvey.” The Impatientus is among the most harassed of the insect kingdom, being constantly assailed by cheek-squeezing aunts, backslapping uncles and such comments as “My gosh! I can’t believe how you’ve grown!” The female of the species is especially irritated by Great Uncle Marvin’s “Why, you’re bigger than your Mom !” The ANONYMOUS PSEUDO-COUSIN appears from out of state. No matter what state you’re in, the Anonymous will always be from outside it. No one at the family reunion has the slightest idea how this bug is related to the family but it always shows up... and it’s been showing up for so many years that the other family members are by now embarrassed to ask. The KENTUCKY SANDERS BUG is known for bringing purchased and boxed fried chicken to each reunion while the rest of the family has slaved over hot stoves and spends hours mixing five-cup salad. The Sanders bug is also known as the “Cheap Bug” and is usually related to the family by marriage. The MIDWEST PUCKER BUG is a close relative of the Kentucky Sanders. However, the Pucker Bug ignores the fried chicken and brings instead her annual deviled eggs which are so loaded with vinegar that the other bugs fall victim to an involuntary pucker whenever their cousin approaches. Luckily for the other insects, the Pucker Bug’s warped Tupperware can be easily identified at a distance of three picnic tables. THE ONE-UP BEETLE. No matter what happened to your family in the past year, the One-Up Beetle has an experience which tops yours. This particular insect carries no photos of family members but has 8-by-10 glossies available of ... its van, its pool and its tanning bed. One of the most unusual insects to be found at any family reunion is the STERILE PICKIUNUS. The Pickiunus is among the most fastidious bugs in all of bugdom. She brings her own tablecloth for her family, a large collection of handiwipes and would vacuum the very lawn if she only had an outlet. The Pickiunus carefully inspects the assembled foodstuffs for any sign of relative bacteria before allowing her family to consume. She can easily be identified by the sight of her own Thermos for private use by her family and is often accompanied by a slight aroma of Lysol. The newest bug to be developed by Oriental research labs is the CAMUS CORDUS. The Camus Cordus is born with a VCR camera permanently attached to its shoulder and insists on recording every moment of every family reunion. This most obnoxious of all picnic pests is especially fond of creeping up from the backside and taking pictures of how poorly somebody’s bottom fits into a lawn chair. The bug has been suspected of carrying an infectious virus which causes the other bugs to huddle together and smile insipid smiles while waving at the camera and mouthing “Hi, Mom!” whenever the Camus Cordus appears. The only known insecticide for this new strain of insect is a dead battery. I don’t mean to sound mean-spirited by assigning these labels. These are just observations. To me a bug’s a bug. Being related to one doesn’t necessarily make them any worse than the average garden variety of pest. I guess we should know by now that anytime you have a big picnic, you’re sure to draw cousins and grandma’s, and uncles ... and ants.

30 -

BUGGED - PAGE 2