Want My Advice?
The Source
Want My Advice? I miss the old advice columns. The newspapers still run the things, but the advent of reality television has taken the thrill out of peeking into the dirt of other people’s lives. No one hangs around the water cooler talking about what Ann Landers or Dear Abby had to say that morning. Maybe that’s because the water coolers are gone as well. My solution: niche marketing. Bring back the advisory sisters with a local slant. Who wouldn’t want to open his morning paper and read something juicy like this? Dear Abby, I live in South Jacksonville and somebody is erecting concrete towers out by the interstate. I think it’s a plot by the Obama administration to spy on who’s keeping guns after he’s outlawed them. I think they’re building the tower so high that they can look right into our homes. What should I do? Sincerely, South-Jack-Worrier. Dear South-Jack-Worrier: smile when you’re taking a shower. Dear Abby, I live in Chapin and this new highway they’re building is going to completely destroy the down home atmosphere of the town. I can see the day when we’ll have riffraff all over town and they’ll probably even build a Wal-Mart. What do you advise? ---A Concerned Chapin-ite. Dear Chapin-ite: Move to Murrayville. It’s a lovely town and the livin’ is easy. Dear Abby, I live by the racetrack at the fairgrounds and the noise in the summertime just drives me crazy. What am I supposed to do? ---Losing My Mind. Dear Losing My Mind: Keep your address a secret. Lots of folks are paying good money to hear that noise and if they find out you’re getting it for free they may send you a bill. Dear Abby, Morton Avenue has the worst drivers in the world! Nobody uses a turn signal and they either poke along like a snail or they blow you out of the way with their speed. Surely there’s something I can do to fix this problem. ---Nervous on Morton. Dear Nervous on Morton: (see above, re: Murrayville) Dear Abby, Everybody thinks the new Jacksonville Square is such a great idea, but I do not! The lanes completely confuse me. I start off in one lane and before you know it I’m in another lane and nobody knows where anybody else is going. It’s dangerous just trying to get from one side of the square to the other. ----Squarely Irritated. Dear Squarely Irritated: The solution is easier than you think. Park your car on one side of the square, turn off the engine, get out of your car and then walk across the square. It’s really a rather nice place. Dear Abby, The type of entertainment offered in Jacksonville is awful. Every time I go to a movie I am embarrassed and disgusted by the language, the violence, and the amount of sex. ----Mortified in the Movies. Dear Mortified: I’d advise you to ignore your fellow customers and just watch the film. Dear Abby, When I go to eat in Jacksonville I am always disappointed in the food, the décor, and the way the help treats me. What do you expect me to do? ---Hungry for a Change. Dear Hungry For a Change: You married her. Deal with it. Dear Abby, You act like you hate cats. Do you? ---Miss Kitty. Dear Miss Kitty, I do not hate anyone or any thing. I’ve just never met a cat I’ve ever liked. Perhaps it’s my fault for not getting out often enough. Dear Abby, I like to walk my dog in Community Park, but the way the kids speed around there I’m afraid that my dog will get run over. ---Dog Lover Dear Dog Lover: Take your cat. Dear Abby, This town is full of hateful, backbiting, ill-tempered idiots. I am so tired of name calling that I just want to move somewhere else. ---Fed Up On South State. Dear Fed Up: Perhaps with your forgiving, Christian attitude you could go somewhere and start your own convent. I hear Murrayville is nice. If the popularity of Ann and Abby has dwindled I’d urge them to move to Morgan County where sage advice is still appreciated and we do appreciate juicy tidbits for breakfast.