Wherefore Art Thou, Dummy!
8th-grade Chorale Presentation Triopia 1997
Lydia: Hi. We’re an 8th-grade Chorale Presentation Group from Triopia and we’re going to do some poetry by a group of humorous poets like Shel Silverstein…. Margaret: Wait a minute. Lydia: Margaret, you’re interrupting me. Margaret: I’m not interrupting you, I’m improving you. Lydia: (a shocked sound) Margaret: I think it’s time we grew up, Lydia. Lydia: Look, I can’t help it if I’m short. Margaret: That’s not what I mean. Listen, we did humorous poetry last year and that was fine. After all, we were in 7th-grade. We were just …..children. Lydia: Well, grandma, what do you propose? Margaret: There comes a time in every life when one must think bigger, dream higher, look toward the really finer things in life. Jacob: You mean like basketball? Margaret: Jacob, you are such a peasant. Jacob: (to someone near him) Who does he play for? Margaret: (ignoring him) No, it’s time we picked some truly great literature for Chorale Presentation. Something like…like Shakespeare. (The rest of the group is shocked. They simply stand there in silence then begin to walk off.) Margaret: Don’t take another step, you cowards! Julie: But Margaret! Shakespeare! For Jr High speech contest? Aren’t you getting carried away? Margaret: Dear, sweet, Julie. I love you, but you are such a child. Don’t you ever dream of sinking your teeth into truly great literature? Julie: I read three R.L. Stine books. Margaret: Oh, good grief! Look, I’ll show you how it’s done. Romeo and Juliet! (grabs Callie and brings her DS) Juliet! Fair Juliet. Callie: (excited) Wow! Margaret: And…let’s see…(grabs Jerod) Romeo! Noble Romeo! Jerod: (dully) I …am …so ..excited. Margaret: And you guys… you will be the chorus. Just like Greek theatre where the chorus made comments on the action. JoEllyn: I can’t even sing. Margaret: Not that kind of chorus, JoEllyn. (handing imaginary scripts to Callie and Jerod) Here’s your lines, guys. You say the script and the chorus will tell us what you’re feeling. And I’ll be the director. Chris: Why am I not surprised? Margaret: Okay Romeo, you are below Juliet’s balcony, telling her how much you love her. Jerod: This…is…so…much…fun. Margaret: Just do it, Jerod. Ok Juliet, do your lines. Callie: Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo! Jerod: Right here. Margaret: Okay chorus, your turn. Kara: What are we supposed to say? Margaret: I don’t know! Get into Juliet’s mind. Tell us what she’s feeling. (They confer briefly, then) Chorus: Well, I’ve got friends in low places Where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away And I’ll be okay. I’m not big on social graces Think I’ll slip on down to the oasis Oh, I’ve got friends in low places. Margaret: I suppose you think you’re being funny? Jacob: I thought it was pretty good. Margaret: You would. Peasant. Look, let’s get on with it. Romeo, do your lines. Jerod: (reading rather dully) Oh fair Juliet, your light is like that of the sun! (to Margaret) The sun? Margaret: You are so dramatic, Jerod. Jerod: Thanks. My soul doth beat quicker when thou comest near. But thou dost break my heart with thy plaintive pleas. Margaret: Your turn, chorus. Chorus: You can tell the world you never was my girl You can burn my clothes up when I’m gone You can tell your friends just what a fool I’ve been And laugh and joke about me on the phone.
But don’t tell my heart My achy breaky heart I just don’t think he’d understand And if you tell my heart My achy breaky heart He might blow up and kill this man.
You can tell your Ma I moved to Arkansas You can tell your dog to bite my leg. Or tell your brother Cliff whose fist can tell my lip He never really like me anyway.
But don’t tell my heart My achy breaky heart I just don’t think he’d understand And if you tell my heart My achy breaky heart He might blow up and kill this man.
Margaret: Stop! Jessica: Hey, I like this. Jacob: I never knew Shakespeare was this much fun. Margaret: It’s not! You’re ruining it! Forget them, Juliet. Go ahead with your lines. Callie: But Romeo! My father doth protest! Our houses can never meet! The Montiques and Capulets shall never become one! Jerod: But Juliet! My love becomes stronger by the minute. Thou must be mine! All that is mine shall be yours… I will make a life for you! My every night and day shall be yours! Chorus: It’s been a hard day’s night, and I been workin’ like a dog It’s been a hard day’s night, I should be sleepin’ like a log. But when I get home to you, I’ll find the things that you do Will make me feel all right. Margaret: Oh, good grief! Chorus: When I’m home, everything seems to be right When I’m home, feeling you holding me tight. You know I feel alright You know I feel alright. Margaret: Alright! Enough already! I can see that I’m the only one who’s taking this seriously. Elizabeth: What a grouch. Margaret: I heard that. Look, let’s get to the fight scene. Rome and Mercutio are going to fight a duel because of Juliet. I need a Mercutio. (sees Jacob) You, Mr. Basketball. Jacob: What’d I do? Margaret: You are a Capulet. Jacob: I’m not either. I’m Methodist. Margaret: Such a peasant. You are about to fight Romeo in a duel. Jacob: Cool. Jerod tripped me in social studies. I’ll kick his…. Margaret: Jacob! Jacob: Ok. What do I say? Margaret: (handing him an imaginary script) Here. Jacob: (reading it) Oh Romeo! Thou foul and fetid rouge! Thou knave! Jerod: Knave? Lay on, Mercutio! Jacob: (out of character) Lay on what? Margaret: That means fight! Let’s go, chorus! (and the two boys sword fight as the chorus speaks) Chorus: Buddy you’re a boy make a big noise Playin’ in the street gonna be a big man some day You got mud on your face, You big disgrace, Kickin’ your can all over the place singin’ We ….. will….. We……. will. .. Rock you! We ….. will….. We……. will. .. Rock you! Buddy you’re a young man hard man Shoutin’ in the street gonna take on the world some day You got blood on your face, You big disgrace, Wavin’ your banner all over the place, singin’ (as Jacob dies) We ….. will….. We……. will. .. Rock you! We ….. will….. We……. will. .. Rock you! Margaret: Stop! (and she gives the poor chorus a long hard stare… they look duly guilty) I suppose you think this is funny. Making fun of the world’s greatest playwright. Well, do you? Do you think this is funny. (Jerod can’t help it any longer and he lets go a small laugh, but someone quickly belts him and he shuts up.) Chris: Sorry, Margaret. Jacob: Yea. We’ve been a bad boy. Margaret: Very funny, Jacob. Ok, this is your last chance. (pacing in front of them like a coach before the playoff game) There’s the judge and there’s the audience. Some of our mothers are already considering giving us up for adoption. Jacob: Mom! Margaret: This is the death scene. Juliet has taken a drug to make it look like she is dead to fool her family. Romeo doesn’t know this and thinks she is really dead, so he kills himself. She wakes up to find him dead so she does kill herself. JoEllyn: (who can’t believe anyone would do anything so stupid) Well, duh! Margaret: Thank you, JoEllyn. That was profound. JoEllyn: Sorry. Margaret: Now please! This is our last chance! Juliet, you’re dead. (Callie collapses) Romeo, you go to her. Jacob: (going to her) Nice die, Callie. Callie: (coming back to life) Thanks, Jake. Margaret: Die, Juliet! Callie: (and she dies “again” in Jacob’s arms) Margaret: Ok chorus, and try to play this one straight. Chorus: (hovering above the doomed couple) It’s seems to me you lived your life Like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to When the rain set in. And I would have liked to have known you But I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did. (and the whole chorus begins to softly cry) Margaret: (after they’ve cried a bit) Hey! Hey! Take it easy! It’s just a play! Katie: But it’s so sad! Jessica: This ending really stinks, Margaret! Margaret: Don’t blame me! Shakespeare wrote it! Lydia: We need something more uplifting! Peppier! Margaret: Like what? (Lydia draws then into a quick huddle, then they come out shouting and dancing, as Margaret tries vainly to stop them) Hey Macarena, Macarena! Hey Macarena, Macarena! Hey Macarena, Macarena! Hey Macarena, Macarena! Hey……. Macarena! (hitting a pose) To be or not to be? Margaret: Aw, why not?