Wolf Story
Yes’m, I’ll sit here. Yes’m, I’ll shut up. No, you won’t hear a peep outa me the rest o’ the day. Yes’m, I know you’ve called my mama in and she’ll more’n likely go hollerin’ to daddy. I know I shouldn’t of said what I did.
Yes’m, I know the teacher sent me here I know she’s mad. I know all that so there ain’t no need to resurrect it all again. Yes’m. I’ll shut up. …… I will.
But I don’t think it’s fair, and I want you to know that. I mean, what’s a boy to do? Just what’s a boy to do? I mean, it’s only my second day of first grade And I ain’t got the lay of this place yet. Mrs. Waters was tellin’ this God-awful stupid story about… Yes’m. I didn’t mean to take God’s name in vain. Yes’m. I’ll shut up…….I will.
But I swear, if God had heard this stupid story, He’d of thought it awful, too! He would! What story? It was about pigs! I swear to ….. to somebody… that Mrs. Waters was tellin’ a story about pigs. Three of ‘em! Pigs! Talkin’! Good night nurse! And they call this an education! What? Yes’m. I’ll shut up….. I will.
Pigs. Humph! ‘Spect us to swallow that. M’am, I know pigs! Now, there’s lot’s o’ stuff that I don’t know but I do know my pigs! I mean, I don’t know everbody’s pigs, but I sure as thunder know mine. Just jabberin’ on amongst theirselves like they was real people. ‘Spect us to believe that…hogwash? Good night nurse! Yes’m. I’ll shut up…. I will.
But the thing of it is, they wasn’t just talkin’, They was buildin’ cabins! A pig buildin’ a cabin! M’am, I know for a fact that hog’s barely Got enough sense to come in outa the rain! And these pigs was in the construction business! Good night nurse! Oh I know…. my family’s been in the hills since granddad got busted for runnin’ a stil behind the Baptist church but dog-gone it, that don’t make us stupid! Least I know a hog can’t drive a nail! Yes’m. I’ll shut up now. …Stupid pigs… What? Nothin’. I’m shuttin’ up this time… for good.
You ever heard of a house made of straw? You ain’t? You see what I mean? The teacher said that pigs can talk, build houses, And they make ‘em out of wheat straw to boot! Good night nurse! What’s she take me for, a fool? Then sticks… a pig who don’t know his snout from a hole in the ground is gonna build a cabin outa sticks! When I think what I gave up just to come to this school!
Ok! Ok! I know that’s no excuse for what I said, But gol-dang it, that sort o’ foolishness is just hard to swallow! Pigs! Sticks! Straw! Good night nurse! I thought I’s gonna lose my mind! And I’m gonna shut up right now! Yes’m! I promise.
Could I say just this one more thing? (3 min) I promise I’ll shut up just as soon as I’ve said it. I will. Wolves don’t eat hogs. I ain’t lyin’ about this. Oh, a hungry wolf’ll carry off two or three from a new litter, but dear God Almighty, not a full-grown hog! Why would he? They squeal, they stink, they’re mostly fat and what’s more, a grown hog’s bigger than any wolf I ever seen! They are! Can I tell you somethin’? I don’t think Mrs. Waters would know a wolf If it came right up and bit her on the ….. Ok! I’ll shut up! I promise this time!
What? Why exactly did I say that to the teacher? I’m sorry, I promised to shut up, And you know me. I always keep my word. Ok. Fair ‘enough. I’ll talk to the principal when he comes in. I’m shuttin’ up now.
You reckon he’s ever seen pig? I mean one that’s strong enough to build a house, Smart enough to give a speech But stupid and puny enough to get carried off by a mangy old wolf? Now that, honey, is one strange hog! Either that or he’s the dumbest shoat I ever laid eyes on. Good night nurse! Gimme a half-smart cow any day! Lady, I got dogs more sense than a pig! I swear! I do! (4:20)
What? What’s that you say? Mrs. Waters has gone home for the day? What’s a nervous breakdown? Huh? Reckon hog’s can get that too? ‘Cause if’n they can, all that heavy contruction’s surely got Them pigs in a royal dither. I mean, you build the thing outa sticks and straw All the time lookin’ over your shoulder For fear of bein’ some wolf’s lunch. Good night nurse, it’s wonder They didn’t die of ulcers! Grandad did. Either that or it was the whiskey.
Hi mama. Daddy. Yea, I know. I know it was wrong. You gonna take me home now? Heck of a way to start off first grade. ‘Course I’m ashamed. What’d I say? You ain’t gonna beat me if I say it again? Well, them poor, stupid little pigs was all huddled Inside a house that was already about to cave in on ‘em, They had college degrees in house-buildin’, they could talk… I mean, they just had the whole world goin’ for ‘em And here came the big bad wolf And Mrs. Waters said, “The Wolf huffed and he puffed And he blew the house down!” I couldn’t believe it! I just stood up and said, “Now ain’t that a hell of a note!”
Ok.. I’ll shut up now. I will.