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#750 - Camp Sunshine

by Ken Bradbury

Cast

Gloria, camp activities director Lucille, camper Uncle Ernie, camp athletic director Skip, a camper Margo, a camper

GLORIA: (an overly-sweet, gushy-to-the-point-of-obnoxious camp activities director) Goooood-Morning, campers! And Welcome to Camp Sunshine! I’m Gloria … that’s G-L-O-R-I-A! And I’m your camp social director! Say! Are we ready for a fun-filled week or what? You know, Camp Sunshine is just the biggest and best Bible camp in Arkansas and you know why? It’s because God created it! That’s right! One day God was walking down Interstate 129 just outside of Little Rock and He said, “Wow! What a great place for a camp!” Yes He did! It’s in the Bible somewhere. No, don’t look for it, Lucille … It’s in the newer versions only. LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mommy and Daddy, from your lonely and abandoned daughter Lucille. This is my first day at camp. I hate it. The social director reminds me of Aunt Midge … the one nobody likes. My bunkmate is a girl named Margo who spends all our small group prayer time staring at boys’ butts. This is her eighth year at camp and she’s snagged a different boy every year. That’s the only reason she comes, she says. Christian boys are easier to fool. And their daddies always drive nice cars. We’re supposed to meet the Sports Director this afternoon. His name is Uncle Ernie. I hope he’s nice. UNCLE ERNIE: (a heavily muscled reject from all-star wrestling obviously the victim of testosterone poisoning) All right you guys! Snap to! Let me make one thing clear! God don’t want no spindly-legged wimps! When you climb that Styrofoam mountain this afternoon I want you to climb like the devil hisself was right on your butt! You hear me! My name’s Uncle Ernie and I’m in charge of showin’ you God’s love through athletics! (he does a couple of jumping jacks, then) I’m talkin’ Godly sweat, gentlemen! I’m talkin’ holy pain! From this day on I’m gonna be your Mama! I’m gonna be your Daddy! I’m gonna stop just one step short of God Himself and I even got my eyes on that! You ever heard of Gabriel? He was a by-golly stompin’ ArchAngel! I ain’t talkin’ no wimpy little limp-wristed Precious Moments cherub here, gentlemen! I’m talkin’ power! You hear me? I said “Power!” Repeat after me! Power! Amen! LUCILLE: Dear Mommy and Daddy. Uncle Ernie is a creep. Today he ran into an oak tree headfirst to show us how God’s love can protect us. I guess God was lookin’ the other way ‘cause Uncle Ernie nearly bashed his brains in. He got a concussion but he says that it only made him tougher for God. Now he’s not only a creep but he’s a stupid creep. Will you please come get me? GLORIA: Good morning, campers! It’s Gloria again! That’s G-L-O-R-I-A! Hey, how’re my little campers on their second day at Camp Sunshine!? Hunky-dorey? That’s the Camp Sunshine Spirit! Well, you’ll never guess what we have planned for you today! First! The Isaiah group will be in the craft hall with … You guessed it! Leather and bead working! Yes! Aunt Ruth, our leather coordinator, will be showing you how to make just the neatest belts and purses and bookmarks out of leather and beads! Today’s extra-special project is (consulting her notes, then) … The Seven Plagues of Egypt bookmarker! Yes! Something to take home to your grandmothers! The Jeremiah group will be going out on our world-famous Great Birds of the Bible bird hunt! Be sure you have your gun permits with you. And the Joshua group who was supposed to go with Uncle Ernie to learn how to make a rope bridge across Gator Swamp … uh … Uncle Ernie isn’t quite himself today … Satan dealt him a powerful blow, but he’ll be back tomorrow after brain surgery … The Joshua group will spend a fun-filled hour memorizing the book of First Kings to the accompaniment of Sandi Patti tapes! Wow! I sure wish I could be in that one! LUCILLE: Dear Mommy and Daddy … I am really sick of Sandi Patti. I’ve got a bunk to myself now. They caught Margo making out with Skip Henderson during evening vespers and flag raising. They’re making her wash dishes with a nun for punishment. SKIP: Dear Spike. This is Skip. They say I gotta write a lousy letter every day and I hate to write so I thought I’d write one to you since you can barely read. Ha ha. I meet this really hot chick named Margo. They caught us makin’ out last night but it was worth it. I don’t think Margo is a Baptist. From what I’ve heard the old man say, I’d say she was a Democrat. UNCLE ERNIE: (limping a bit) Okay, you guys. Satan got me with that oak tree but I’m back again. You can’t keep a man of God down for long. I want to talk to you today about … well, about pain. About how if you don’t know pain, then you just don’t know God. God made pain. If you ain’t just about half miserable, then you can’t truly know God! Today we’re gonna play a little game … It’s called the Pain Game. It’s a test to see who truly knows the love of God and who’s a by-God pinko, communist atheist … What I have here is a lit candle … LUCILLE: Dear Mommy and Daddy. This is Lucille. Do you hate me? MARGO: Dear Lucille. This is Margo. You’ve got to get me out of here. I’ve washed six hundred dishes and the nun just threatened to kill me. I asked G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria what a nun was doing washing dishes in a Baptist church camp. She said that a nun was just an unmarried Baptist and it was to be a lesson to us. Did you see Skip in that swimsuit? I saw him when I was drying dishes by the window and dropped the gravy boat. Sister Dishwater hailed Mary for me but the buns on that boy are worth it! GLORIA: Hello there, happy campers! It’s Gloria again! That’s G-L-O-R-I-A! It’s that night you’ve all been waiting for! Talent night! Yes!!! Okay, we’ve got a few cancellations. Uncle Ernie can’t sing the Marine’s Hymn due to third-degree burns on his right hand but we’ve got some other really neato stuff that’s just gonna make your spirits soar! Okay? Okay! First! The Isaiah group playing Handel’s Messiah on the spoons! Let’s give it up for Isaiah! MARGO: Dear Skip. This is Margo. I’ll meet you tonight out on Retribution Point. SKIP: Dear Margo. This is Skip. How will I find you in the dark? MARGO: Dear Idiot. Feel your way around. SKIP: Dear Smart Aleck. That’s how I got in trouble at the flag raising. UNCLE ERNIE: (very crippled-up now, hobbling) Okay you campers! Uncle Ernie is back! Yes-sir-ee Bob! Old Satan, he tried to get his hooks in me but it’ll take more than an oak tree and a fire to get Uncle Ernie! Tonight I want to talk to you about suffering. Oh, I know it’s summer camp and the robins are singin’ and your little hormones are runnin’ like a jackrabbit in a brush fire, but tonight I’m gonna use self-control … mind over matter. Let me tell you about my stint in the Marine Corps. LUCILLE: Dear Mom and Daddy. This is Lucille. It’s been a dull day. Margo and Skip were ex-communicated from the Baptist church last night. We met for the ceremony out on the Love, Hope & Charity Memorial Softball Field. Margo was stripped of all her Sunday School perfect attendance pins and Uncle Ernie baptized Skip in a really cold shower. G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria, the Social Director, now has us listening to a tape of The Story of David and Bath-Sheba as read by Charlton Heston. She says that Charlton Heston is mentioned in the Bible but I can’t find him yet. She says I need a newer version. GLORIA: Hey campers! (as she begins to melt into tears) Here we are on the final day of Camp Sunshine! I’m sure gonna miss you little guys and I don’t know if I can wait a whole year to see you back again. As you take your final Camp Sunshine Bible quiz, I want you to think of me … Gloria … G-L-O-R-I-A, and what an inspiration I have been to you all. LUCILLE: Dear Mom and Daddy, I think I flunked my Happy Camper Test. I know you’re coming to pick me up today but this will save me having to tell you on the way home. Our test was on Great Heroes of The Bible and G-L-O-R-I-A Gloria asked if there were any questions. I asked her what “begat” meant since it seems like that’s all the Bible heroes ever did. Gloria made me do dishes with Sister Phillip in the mess hall. I asked her if Catholics begat. She said yes, but they are forgiven. I asked her if Baptists begat. She said no, they just share. UNCLE ERNIE: (limping even worse now) People, I want your attention! It has been my honor as Camp Athletic Director to lead you to that higher ground! To that great boot camp in the sky! And I want to apologize to those of you in Jeremiah cabin for what happened last night. I have eaten broken glass on several occasions in the service of the Lord but that was the first time I ever got hiccups. I just got word that little Marjorie Swenson has had most of the fragments removed from her right eye. I hope to see you all back again next year when the theme will be, “If Job hadn’t suffered, he’d never of made the NFL!” LUCILLE: Dear Margo, I am sending this letter home with your parole officer. He says that he’ll be seeing you every week. I was really sorry about what happened to you and Skip. Gloria says that you both must have had some Methodist in your blood to pull such a trick. It’s too bad you had to leave early. The next camp was coming in as we left. It was the Australians for God Power-Lifting Camp. You would really have liked their outfits. I can see Mom and Daddy’s car coming up Damnation Boulevard now so I’ve got to go. I hope they didn’t get all my letters. I’d kinda like to come back next year. I’m applying for the job of Athletic Director. As a farewell demonstration of God’s power, Uncle Ernie tried to jump off the Rec Hall roof blindfolded. I hope God is forgiving, because Uncle Ernie forgot about Sister Phillip’s barbecue grill. Love you! Lucille.

END

“Camp Sunshine” is an excerpt from The Traveler, ISBN 0-9644681-9-0, a play in two acts by Ken Bradbury and Robert L. Crowe. Copyright, Library of Congress, 1999.

The Author Kenneth W. Bradbury Ken Bradbury (B. A. Illinois College) is arguably the most performed author in the nation’s speech and drama competition, having authored over 100 selections including 50 plays. He is an active syndicated newspaper columnist and has published four books, Coonridge Digest, Around the World With Freida Marie Crump , Coonridge Devotions and homerville. Ken is a national speaker on writing for the theatre and co-author of “Shadow of Giants,” a Lincoln courtroom drama aired on PBS-TV. He has won the Illinois Lincoln Library Award as Outstanding Author of the Year, the McGaw Citation in the Arts awarded by Illinois College, and other recognition. He is a teacher of Creative Arts at the college level. Ken currently resides in Arenzville, Illinois.

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