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#827 - Return…to Camp Sunshine

by Ken Bradbury

Scene: Summer Camp Sunshine Characters: Lucille, Gloria, Uncle Ernie, Skip, Sister Lugasi, Margo

LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mother and Daddy. Well, you did it again. You sentenced me to a month a good old Camp Sunshine. I don’t want to be too dramatic but have you ever heard of child abuse? Was it something I said? No offense, but this bible camp is a long, long way from heaven. Actually, it’s closer to a detention. Gloria is still social director. I think they let her out of the home once a year to come drool over us. Uncle Ernie has had three brain surgeries since last summer and it’s not helped him one bit. This morning he walked by a magnetic screen door and it stuck to his forehead. GLORIA: Good morning, campers! My name is Gloria, your social director. That’s G-L-O-R-I-A! Yesss! You know, just when I think I’ll retire to a luxurious and profitable life as a Mary Kay saleslady, I think of you … you, my little campers who have meant so much to me over the years! How many years have I been here, Lucille? None of your business, sweetheart. Shouldn’t you be building a campfire or something? Say! Are we all ready to sing? Does everybody know the words to “Come on baby, light my fire!”? LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mommy and Daddy. Just when I thought this camp couldn’t get any worse, I was wrong. I just saw Skip. He’s the one who kept trying to put the moves on me at last year’s camp. He’s obviously still a Methodist. Please send money. They only open the Camp Canteen once a day and by the time I get there they’re out of Gummy Bears. I need to bribe the nurse to hold some back for me. The camp food is really awful. Sister Lugasi is still the cook. Mama, she has wrinkles on her feet. I’ve seen them. She was wearing sandals last night for the “Fiesta Italiano” which was canned spaghetti with green beans, and I saw her toes. They look like they have little canyons running through them. UNCLE ERNIE: Atten-tion, campers! My name is Uncle Ernie and it remains my job to teach you God’s love through pain and self-determination! As many of you know, I have suffered much in the service of the Lord having survived the Korean Conflict, several tours of Europe, and leading a Jr. High choir. It has come to my attention that several of you have gotten your wimpy little selves sadly out of shape over the winter so it will be my job to make you into the men that God intended you to be… especially you girls! From now on there will be no halter-tops used in the service of the Lord, and Spandex is the surest tool in the Devil’s arsenal! Tomorrow morning … 5 a.m. sharp, we begin the Wilderness Adventure based the Seven Plagues of Ancient Egypt. You think the Pharaoh had it bad, you ain’t seen nothin’, ladies. LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mommy and Daddy. Help! SKIP: (writing) Dear Bubba. This is Skip. I’m back again. It’s the 2 p.m. Take-a-nap-or-Write-a-Letter-Home time so I’m pretending to write to you. Uncle Ernie supervises our naptime and he snores so loud that it makes the younger campers cry. They think it’s Armageddon. But hey, the chicks are even hotter this summer. I’m not kiddin’. Some of ‘em are totally different shapes than last year. I never liked geometry but I’m gettin’ into shapes. GLORIA: It’s me again, campers! G-L-O-R-I-A! Yesss! It’s Mexicali Rancheros Night in the cafeteria and just a reminder to the girls in my cabin ... remember the oath we took last night to abstain from the taco sauce while sleeping together. I want to remind you that tonight in my cabin we’ll have a special devotion upon the role of Avon skincare products in bringing peace and love to our brothers and sisters in Asia. And don’t forget! Let’s get to bed early tonight since Uncle Ernie’s Wilderness Adventure begins bright and early tomorrow morning! Damnation Swamp is calling you! LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mommy and Daddy. They can’t find Margo. I know where she is but I’m not telling. She’s been in the kitchen ever since she came to camp. She’s disguising herself as a migrant worker and sneaks over to the boys’ cabin after lights out. If Uncle Ernie finds her he has threatened to kill her … with the love of God, of course. I have to go shower now. Gloria smeared some facial stuff all over me … sort of a baptism by aloe vera. SKIP: Dear Bubba. It’s Skip again. You know Margo? The one I told her about last year? She got ex-communicated from the Holiness & Pestilence Church and went bad … became a Presbyterian. I seen her in the lunch line. She was slipping Tijuana Hot Sauce into Gloria’s taco. UNCLE ERNIE: (blowing his bugle, then) Rise and shine you spindly-legged little Democrats! Up and at ‘em you panty-waisted liberals! It’s time for our Seven Plagues of Ancient Egypt Wilderness Adventure and I’ll remind you again: only one of three Camp Sunshine campers pass this test of endurance in the face of everything Satan tries to throw at you! I warn you: there are those of you who will suffer, there are those who will give in … who will wilt and cry and beg to come home to the comfort of your luxurious two-by-five foot pinewood bunkhouse cot, but the real men of God … those who endure … Yea, those unto whom great fortitude and bug spray hath been given … Those men … even those who aren’t men … will triumph! Can you spell Triumph? It’s T-R-I- ... uh … and a whole bunch of other letters! SISTER LUGASI: (writing) Dear Sister. This is your sister, Sister. That doesn’t sound quite right, does it? I mean this is Sister Lugasi who’s also your sister, sister. Oh well, I’m back at this camp. I’m telling you there’s nothing that drives me crazier than wall-to-wall Protestants. I mean, they’re just everywhere you look. They keep me around to teach the kids diversity. They couldn’t find any Australians, the Canadians all went to volleyball camp, so they picked me … the token Catholic. I don’t actually cook, I just open cans, but I don’t think a Protestant would know a home cooked meal if it snuck up on him during mass. Gotta go … It’s chili night and this strange little kitchen assistant keeps stealing my hot sauce. LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mom and Dad. This could be it. I’m not kidding. I plan on being dead by tomorrow morning. Since I flunked my Great Biblical Movies of Charlton Heston quiz they made me take Uncle Ernie’s Wilderness Adventure. I think he plans to kill us all. GLORIA: (choking and gagging throughout this speech) I apologize … for … I apologize for my … for my voice this morning … and to the girls in … In Jericho Cabin … Satan took hold of my digestive track ... and … and … well, I will not be singing evening vespers.

SISTER LUGASI: (writing) Dear sister. This is Sister sister. I think I found the hot sauce. LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mom and Dad, from your slowly dehydrating-to-death daughter Lucille. First we lost our map, then we lost our tents, and I think we’ve lost three campers. The good news is that we have also lost Uncle Ernie. The last time I saw him he was trying to baptize a raccoon. SKIP: (writing) Dear Bubba, it’s me again. This is the coolest thing. Uncle Ernie took us out on this hike designed to kill us or make us repent and we’ve snuck back into his office. He thinks we’re lost in the woods. You would not believe the magazines he’s got here. GLORIA: (coughing, then) Attention campers! I want to … (goes into a coughing fit) Oh, just shut up and go to bed. LUCILLE: (writing) Dear Mom and Dad from your probably-dead-by-the-time-you-read-this daughter Lucille who never meant to smart-mouth you about getting a tattoo and who wishes she’d never had anything pierced, and would even sit through a family reunion at Aunt Margaret’s house and look at all the family photo albums if she’d just find her way out of this stupid forest … It’s getting very dark now. Most of the girls are crying, the boys are telling dirty jokes on the other side of the creek, and off in the distance we can hear the voice of Uncle Ernie doing the Crossing the Red Sea scene from The Ten Commandments. I will never again make fun of anyone with metal plates in his brain. MARGO: (writing) Dear Skip. This is Margo. Meet me out by the flagpole at midnight. I’ve been hiding in the kitchen all week and the nun thinks I can’t speak English. While she was opening the cans of homemade barbecue I stole her cigarettes. See you at midnight. UNCLE ERNIE: Hello? (a long pause … listens) Can anybody hear me? (listens, then) This is your commander in chief, Uncle Ernie! If you are within the sound of my voice and if you are still alive and if you don’t want to suffer the wrath of God and the tribulation of your commander in chief you will herby make yourself known! (listens) I said “Make yourself known!” (listens … more meekly) Please. (a pause, then very meekly) Mommy? SKIP: (writing) Dear Margo. I found the note you stuck in my guacamole dip. Trouble is, half the boys saw it too. They’re all coming. Hope you got plenty of cigs. SISTER LUGASI: (writing) Dear sister. This is sister Sister again. The strangest thing tonight. I never thought kids liked avocados but they sure went for that guacamole. LUCILLE: (writing) Dearest, dearest, dearest mother and darling, darling, darling father. (underlining) Underline, underline, underline. I don’t know whether you’ve had my funeral yet, but please don’t let them sing any camp songs at the grave. I just heard twenty girls cry through sixteen verses of Kum-ba-yah around the campfire … we’re burning our underwear for heat. The boys have gone to sleep and off in the distance I think I hear Uncle Ernie crying. GLORIA: (coughing) That chili ... I’m sorry. I know it’s not on … cough, cough) the schedule but I’m … (cough, cough) I’m organizing a search party to find Uncle Ernie. SKIP: (writing) Dear Margo. What happened? We showed up at midnight at you weren’t there? You lyin’ to me, girl? We left the flagpole and went lookin’ for you in the kitchen but you wasn’t there neither. This some sort of game? I’m puttin’ this note on Sister Lugasi’s can opener so you better hope you find it before breakfast. MARGO: (writing) Dear Skip. I got trapped … I’m not kiddin’. Sister Lugasi asked me to translate the ingredients on a package of tamales and found out I couldn’t speak any foreign language. She’s got me pre-soaking the Frosted Flakes for breakfast. And stop putting your notes on her can opener! That’s the only utensil she knows how to use. GLORIA: (crying, but with her voice mostly restored) Well, campers … looks like it’s time to say goodbye again for the summer. This summer’s camp will forever go down in our hearts as the time we lost Uncle Ernie to the terrible forces of Satan. I’m glad you girls made it back by lookin’ up in the sky for the Wal-Mart sign in the distance, but I’m afraid that Uncle Ernie gave his last full measure of devotion to the Lord and to you by sacrificin’ himself for your welfare. No, we’ve not found the body. The sheriff said to wait a few days and then just … sniff him out. So it’s goodbye to Camp Sunshine … again. “May the road rise up to meet you, may your sun always be shining, and may you win the Arkansas lottery and remember me fondly at tax time.” (barely holding back the tears) … Good-bye! UNCLE ERNIE: (now more than slightly demented, sitting upon the ground and playing with his fingers) This little piggy went to heaven … this little piggy went where it was really hot and ended up in a McSausage and Biscuit. (talking to his finger) Mr. Finger, do you like Uncle Ernie? Uncle Ernie likes you. (singing) Michael, row your Kum-bah-yah, Whoop-tee-dooo-Yah … Michael, row your Kum-bah-yah, Whoop-tee-dooo-Yah.

END

“Return…to Camp Sunshine” is an excerpt from Mary-go-round a play in two acts by Ken Bradbury and Robert L. Crowe. Copyright, Library of Congress, 2010. ISBN: 0-9748830-9-3.

The Author Ken Bradbury (B. A. Illinois College) is arguably the most performed author in the nation’s speech and drama competition, having authored over 100 selections including 50 plays. He is an active syndicated newspaper columnist and has published four books, Coonridge Digest, Around the World With Freida Marie Crump, Coonridge Devotions and homerville. Ken is a national speaker on writing for the theatre and has won the Illinois Lincoln Library Award as Outstanding Author of the Year, the McGaw Citation in the Arts awarded by Illinois College, and other recognition. A former high school and middle school teacher, he is now a teacher of Creative Arts at the college level. Ken currently resides in Arenzville, Illinois.

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