A Toast to the Chamber…. 125 years
Jan 30, 2014
Welcome by MC Keith…
Invocation, Mike Fender
Dinner
Recognition of special guests
KEITH: Now…perhaps the most prestigious award of the night, our Circle of Excellence..
GOD: (offstage voice of Mike Fender) Uh..excuse me. Keith?
KEITH: Must be something wrong with the P.A. system. Does George have something going on over in the Fireside Room?
GOD: Keith?
KEITH: Who am I talking to?
GOD: This is God.
KEITH: God?
GOD: Big “G”, little “o,” little “d.” God.
KEITH: Wow. This is the first time I’ve heard you at the Chamber Banquet.
GOD: I waited 125 years for an invitation. So tonight I just crashed.
KEITH: Did anyone ever tell you that you sound just like Pastor Mike Fender?
GOD: Thank you. That’s quite a compliment.
KEITH: But I mean…why are you…you know…?
GOD: Interrupting?
KEITH: Yeah.
GOD: I saw it was billed as “A TOAST to the Chamber.” Toasts usually mean booze and some really sinful behavior.
KEITH: So you’re here to…well…sort of watch over things?
GOD: You got it.
KEITH: Does that mean that (name someone) ___________ has to leave?
GOD: I’m a God of mercy. . . . . . . Just go ahead with what you’re doing.
KEITH: So God doesn’t like drinking?
GOD: I depends. You see, Mike Fender did the Invocation so tonight I’m the Methodist God and they’re teetotalers.
KEITH: What about Dick Cody? (or substitute another name)
GOD: Like I said, I’m a God of mercy. . . Just go ahead with whatever you were doing.
KEITH: Okay…by the way, it’s nice to have you with us tonight.
GOD: Amen.
KEITH: And now for our first award of the evening…
GOD: Keith?
KEITH: Yes, Lord?
GOD: You forgot to say “Thank you.”
KEITH: Oh. Sorry.
GOD: You’re Presbyterian, right?
KEITH: Yes.
GOD: Figures. Go ahead.
KEITH: Uh…Thank you. And now for the first award of the evening… (go ahead with the intro to Gilbert Todd, his wife, etc.)
Circle of Excellence…Gilbert Todd (accepted by Joyce) Pres of Elliot, Premier,
(after the Circle of Excellence) KEITH: And now for the Business of the year…
GOD: Uh…Keith?
KEITH: Yes, Lord?
GOD: Nice job with Mr. Todd’s award.
KEITH: Thanks. And I don’t want to rub it in, but Gib Todd was a Presbyterian.
GOD: (a long pause, then) Just get on with the awards.
KEITH: Okay, now for..
GOD: You forgot to say…
KEITH: Thank you! And for the businesses of the year, beginning with the business with 25 or more employees.
GOD: Gib Todd was Presbyterian?
KEITH: Yes.
GOD: Sometimes I have one slip by me. Go ahead.
(Keith does the vita on Diversified Services then says…)
KEITH: But to properly introduce them, here’s a little song in their honor… (Ken plays some sort of sleazy piano introduction, ends in an arpeggio, then..)
GOD: Hold it! Hold it!
KEITH: Something the matter, Lord?
GOD: That doesn’t sound like Godly music to me.
KEITH: Uh…he’s from Arenzville.
GOD: Well I don’t like it. You know, I think I have a better idea.
KEITH: Better idea?
GOD: A different song.
KEITH: But Lord, we haven’t rehearsed this! I don’t know a different song.
GOD: I know. That’s why I’m sending my Chamber Angels with the lyrics..
(Ken hits a heavenly arpeggio on the piano as to ladies enter wearing angels’ wings and halos… (Janet Long knows where they’re kept) and they bring Keith a lyric sheet then stay to help sing.))
KEITH: (after the two ladies have flown off) Chamber Angels?
GOD: It’s been a tough year on the economy. I’m downsizing.
KEITH: These are all songs from The Sound of Music.
GOD: Love that show. No sex or violence…no bad language.
KEITH: So how will Jack Lukeman understand it?
GOD: ______________ can translate for him.
(tune of Do-Re-Mi) KEITH: Let’s start at the very beginning… A very good place to start . . . When the storms come around then you run inside And you make a call to Diversified… THE TWO ANGELS: (Di-ver-si-fied! Di-ver-si-fied!) KEITH: The place to call is Diversified. THE ANGELS: (Diversified!) ALL THREE: Do re me fa so la ti… KEITH: (spoken) Okay, I’ll make it easy.
ALL 3: Dough, KEITH: need dough . . . to make corn grow ALL 3 Ray, KEITH: need lots of rays of sun ALL 3: Me, KEITH: the one who plants the crops ALL 3: Fa….KEITH: a long, long way from done! ALL 3: So KEITH: I need a partner by my side… ALL 3: La la KEITH: like Diversified! KEITH: T-notes hardly pay besides… It’s best to depend on… ALL 3: Do re mi fa so la ti Do! Diversified! KEITH: (over the musical playoff) Ladies and Gentlemen…Your 2014 Large Company of the Year, Diversified Services!
Bus with fewer than 25….Girls in White Satin…Keith gives their vita then
(“Angel music” in as the two angels deliver the lyrics to Keith.)
KEITH: Those are some mighty cute angels, Lord.
GOD: That’s why they call it heaven. Now tell your brother to wake up and start the song. (music begins, tune: “My Favorite Things.”)
Bridesmaids and flower girls know where to stop now Girls in White Satin is one classy shop now Becky and Terryl will make your dress sing They are a two of our favorite things.
Every new bride knows the best of addresses They’ll dye all your shoes so they’ll match all your dresses Becky and Terryl will spruce up your fling… They are a two of our favorite things.
When the groom comes…Lost and lonely Almost without hope… The Girls in White Satin will calm all his fears And glad that he didn’t elope! (as the music plays out) Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of the Chamber’s Small Business Award, Girls in White Satin! (The ladies come up to get their awards.)
Not-for-Profit….Prairie Council on Aging..Nancy Thorson. Keith does their vita then…
(Angelic music as the two angels enter, deliver the lyrics, then fly out.)
KEITH: The last song. I’m going to miss those angels.
GOD: You’re married, Keith.
KEITH: I can always dream.
GOD: (sighs, then) Presbyterians. (music begins)
KEITH: (singing like a chant) Summus cum laudis deo. Domine, domine bingo… What’s this supposed to be?
GOD: Oh sorry. I just came from a meeting down at Our Saviors. Those are the wrong lyrics. Angels! (angelic music as the two float in, deliver the correct lyrics, then float out again)
KEITH: I didn’t know God could make mistakes.
GOD: (says the name of a prominent Chamber Member) _______________?
KEITH: Oh. I forgot.
(tune of “Climb Every Mountain”) Ring every doorbell… Serve every need… Meet the needs of seniors… In Morgan, Cass, Scott, Jersey and Greene.
Helping our seniors…to stay in their homes… With advice and service…They’ll never be alone.
Wherever they go…there’s a smile always there… Prairie Council will know . . . that that there’s someone who cares.
How can we thank you…for doing what you do? Our lives are so much richer…Due to folks like you!
Contact Club Awards (Keith will roast on his own)
Retiring Division Vice Presidents…Heath and Comm Agencies, Robert Heape Membership Services …Marsha Awe
Retiring Board Members Susie Drake, IC; Jim Duncan Vet-2-Vet; Sarah Gresham, Farmers State Bank and Trust; Maryjane Million LLCC; Shrri Richardson, Richardson Electric; Erynn Snedeker, Cass Communications
Remarks of 2013 Board Chairman, Allan Worrell
Installation of 2014 Board Chairman
Recognition of 2014 Board..Mark Whalen
KEITH: And to wrap up our evening, the reason _______________ came tonight, the Wine and Beer Raffle.
GOD: Uh…Keith?
KEITH: I was afraid this would happen.
GOD: Got a little problem here.
KEITH: But it’s for a good cause, Lord.
GOD: That’s what they said about Bruce Surratt when he was born. (or substitute another name)
KEITH: I guess maybe you’ll be leaving now?
GOD: Are you kidding? I’ve got three tickets. Call the names! Call the names!
KEITH: Seriously, before we call the winning numbers, we’d like to thank one of Jacksonville’s greatest assets, Pastor Mike Fender of Grace Methodist Church for his sense of humor and for being our God for tonight. Mike! (points to the back of the room or wherever Mike will come out to wave)
Wine and Beer Raffle