A Very Prairie Wedding
By Ken Bradbury
The setting: a hastily decorated area at Clayville, Illinois. A wedding is about to take place.
ELISABETH: (entering mid-dither) Here! I want it right here! Hurry, Henry!
HENRY: (entering carrying a spray of greenery) I can only move so fast, Ma.
ELISABETH: Then move faster. This wedding will wait for no man!
HENRY: Ma, I’m tired. Can’t she just elope?
ELISABETH: Bite your tongue and perish the thought, young man! The Broadwells were kind enough to give us the use of their home for your sister’s wedding. Stop being ungrateful.
HENRY: I ain’t ungrateful, Ma. I’m just tired.
ELISABETH: (shouting off) Moses! Stop chatting with the horses! Bring me that bunting.
MOSES: (Moses was born at full-speed and hasn’t slowed a bit in the ensuing years. He’s hyperactive 200 years before the proper medications were developed, and his speech is mile a minute breathless. He carries a roll of bunting.) Got it right here, Ma! Got it right here! Where you want it, Ma? Just tell me where you want it! I got it, Ma! I got it!
ELISABETH: Calm! Calm, Moses!
MOSES: Exciting ain’t it, Ma? I’m excited! You excited, Ma? We’s all excited ‘bout the wedding. Henry, you excited? ‘Cause I’m excited…oh yeah, you bet Moses is pretty darned excited! Ain’t it exciting?
ELISABETH: Henry!
HENRY: Yeah Ma?
ELISABETH: Gumdrop!
HENRY: Gotcha. (he tosses a gumdrop into Moses’s mouth and the boy melts into a puddle of tranquility)
ELISABETH: I spect you’ll go through a gallon of them gumdrops ‘fore this wedding’s done.
MOSES: (suddenly getting an idea, shouting) Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
ELISABETH: Gumdrop, Henry!
HENRY: (as he pops another into Moses’s mouth) Yes Ma.
ELMIRA: (entering) A omen! I tell you it’s an omen! (Grandma Elmira is a crotchety old believer in everything mystical and unworldly, seeing signs and omens in each passing wind. . . generally not a pleasant woman to be around since she knows that the world is always on the verge of doom.)
ELISABETH: Oh mother!
ELMIRA: I seen it, Elisabeth! I seen it this mornin’ when I woke up and looked into my tealeaves! It’s a sign! A sign! No one should get married today! And the sparrows were facin’ north. Did you see that, girl? North-facin’ sparrows right on my window sill! No doubt about it! The end of the world is at hand!
HENRY: Gumdrop, Ma?
ELISABETH: Wouldn’t do any good. Ma, just go rest over in the shade. Rebecca’s gonna marry Aaron and everthing’s gonna work out just fine. Henry, you see any north-facin’ sparrows you run over and turn ‘em around.
HENRY: Yes Ma.
ELMIRA: Sure! Sure! Make fun! Ridicule an old lady’s premonitions! The flood! Did I predict the flood last month?
ELISABETH: Ma, it had rained for six days straight. Our dog could have predicted that flood.
ELMIRA: Just throw me out! Toss me out onto the road to Springfield and let the cattle run over my old gray head! Cut me into mincemeat and let the crows peck me to death on the back porch!
HENRY: Should I, Ma?
ELISABETH: Yes…I mean No! Ma, don’t get your bowels in an uproar. Everything’s gonna be just fine.
ELMIRA: You believe me don’t you, Moses?
MOSES: Granny’s right! Bad wedding! Horses’ll go lame! End of the world! End of the world! You know what I seen? You know what I seen, Granny? Mud! It ain’t rained all week and I seen mud off the back porch. You know what that means?
ELMIRA: It means your father’s been tinklin’ off the back porch again.
MOSES: Oh.
ELISABETH: Henry?
HENRY: (popping another gumdrop into his brother’s mouth) Yes, Ma.
CONKWRIGHT: (entering…The Reverend Skeeter Conkwright is the local circuit riding minister, a verbose character much in love with the sound of his own voice) Mrs. Kelso!
ELISABETH: Reverend! Ma…behave. We got a preacher here.
ELMIRA: Be ye Baptist or heathen?
CONKWRIGHT: Methodist, ma’am!
ELMIRA: Heathen, then.
ELISABETH: Ma!
CONKWRIGHT: Ready for the wedding?
ELISABETH: I surely appreciate you makin’ the trip out here, Reverend Conkwright. It means a lot to all of us.
CONKWRIGHT: Mrs. Kelso, I go wherever the Lord directs me! “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, here I am, Lord! Reverend Skeeter Conkwright!” Isaiah 6, verse 8 plus a little more.
ELISABETH: We’re nearly ready, Reverend.
CONKWRIGHT: I don’t suppose there’d be a bit of sustenance on the grounds?
ELISABETH: Sir?
CONKWRIGHT: Food.
ELISABETH: Oh…we’re settin’ up for the wedding dinner right inside in Inn. I guess you could help yourself.
CONKWRIGHT: Much obliged, Sister Kelso. “And wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face shine, and bread which strengthen man’s heart!” Psalms 104, verse 15. (and he exits)
ELMIRA: (just as he exits) “Balaam got up in the morning and saddled his donkey.” Numbers 22, verse 21.
ELISABETH: Ma! Hush! Boys, I need those cookies out of the wagon. Get at it! (the boys rush off) Mama, you gotta behave…at least for this one single day. Can you promise me that?
ELMIRA: You don’t want me to speak the truth?
ELISABETH: Sure I do. Tomorrow. Once everybody’s gone.
AARON: (entering, hat in hand) Excuse me? (Aaron Panickson is the groom and courage is not his forte today. In short, he’s a bundle of pre-nuptial nerves.) Uh…is this the place?
ELISABETH: Aaron! Grandma, the groom is here!
ELMIRA: Ain’t much, is he?
ELISABETH: Mama! Don’t mind Mama, Aaron. She’s a kidder.
AARON: Oh.
ELISABETH: Ain’t you, Mama?
ELMIRA: Yeah. I’m just a bag of laughs.
ELISABETH: Aaron, now you know it ain’t good luck to see the bride before the wedding.
AARON: Should I hide?
ELMIRA: Yeah. In Beardstown.
ELISABETH: Mama!
ELMIRA: You’re a nice boy, Aaron. So what if your knees are shakin’, you can’t hardly talk and I think you might have just wet yourself comin’ in.
ELISABETH: So…are you ready, Aaron?
AARON: I . . . I guess. Where should I go?
ELMIRA: I think you should. . .
ELISABETH: Quiet, Mama!
CHARLES: (entering, the father of the bride) Here you are! My future son-in-law!
AARON: How do you do, Sir? My name is Aaron Panickson and I want to marry your daughter.
CHARLES: Uh…son, I’ve known you since you were born, and in a few minutes you’re gonna marry my daughter. Don’t you think it’s a little late for introductions?
AARON: Oh….I didn’t know what else to say.
CHARLES: “I do.” Just keep rehearsin’ that line, boy. All you gotta say today is, “I do.” You got that?
AARON: I do.
ELISABETH: You wanna go into the Inn and freshen up?
AARON: I do.
CHARLES: Then git! (Aaron takes off for the Inn)
ELMIRA: (just before Aaron exits to the Inn) Who’d ever thought she’d marry an idiot like that?
AARON: (stops) Uh..I do. (and he’s gone)
CHARLES: Mornin’ Grandma.
ELMIRA: It’s a bad sign!
CHARLES: What is?
ELMIRA: That’s the best way to ruin a marriage. Have the groom show up.
CHARLES: Oh such talk from the sweetest little old lady on the Illinois prairie!
ELMIRA: Hold your flattery, Charles. You know that kid is worthless!
ELISABETH: Mama! He’s the smartest kid in this county! Headin’ off to college next year!
ELMIRA: Ever see him ride a horse? Like a drunken sailor.
CHARLES: World’s changin’, Grandma. A boy with book-learnin’ can name is own future!
ELMIRA: Back in my days we read tea leaves to reckon our future….we’d dig out the entrails of chickens and see what was comin’ down the road. Paaash! Book-learnin’! Such foolishness!
CHARLES: (to Elisabeth) Everything in order, Captain?
ELISABETH: Oh, I think so. I don’t know. I’ve never put a wedding together before.
CHARLES: He says, “I do,” then she says, “I do.” Everything else is just frosting on the wedding cake.
ELISABETH: Cake!!!
CHARLES: What?
ELISABETH: The cake’s still in the wagon! (shouting off) Moses, don’t even touch that cake! (she rushes off)
ELMIRA: Such a much. I’m goin’ out back to rinse my dentures at the pump. (she begins to exit)
CHARLES: Good idea. Then how about takin’ a rest?
ELMIRA: I ain’t tired.
CHARLES: I know. But you’re wearin’ us out.
ELMIRA: (as she exits) You can pick your friends but you’re stuck with your kinfolk!
CHARLES: (watching her go) I should have left the cover off the well.
REBECCA: (the bride-to-be entering) Papa?
CHARLES: My girl! Rebecca I haven’t slept in days just thinkin’ of losin’ you!
REBECCA: Oh, you ain’t lost me, Papa.
CHARLES: I know that. But I’m gonna be mighty jealous of sharin’ you with young Aaron.
REBECCA: You seen him yet?
CHARLES: He just stumbled his way inside.
REBECCA: Was he nervous?
CHARLES: Not a bit! Nerves of iron, that boy! He jumped off his horse, ran right here into the yard and hollered, “I’m here to get married! Where in the heck’s my bride?”
REBECCA: You lyin’ to me, Pa?
CHARLES: Maybe a little. After your Granny got done with him he was ‘bout ready to go back to Petersburg.
REBECCA: Oh Granny!
CHARLES: No..no…she’ll be alright. She’s just a bit set in her ways. I’ve got an agreement with your mother. If Granny gets out of hand at the wedding I’ve got permission to shoot her.
REBECCA: Papa!
CHARLES: It’s just small gun.
REBECCA: (falling into his arms, laughing) Oh, Papa.
CHARLES: Honey, this is your special day. Don’t you let anything even try to mess it up. You got that?
REBECCA: I got that.
CHARLES: Now get along and see if your poor mama needs any help. She thinks it’s her own wedding.
REBECCA: Love you, Papa! (she moves to exit and is nearly knocked over by Moses rushing on) Moses! (he exits)
MOSES: (in a fit of spastic excitement) Pa…uh…Pa…uh…
CHARLES: Whoa! Whoa! Kick ‘er down a notch, Moses!
MOSES: Pa, they ain’t come! They ain’t come! I’m tellin’ you they ain’t come!
CHARLES: Who? Who you talkin’ about, Moses?
MOSES: Them! They! You know! They ain’t here! They ain’t here, Pa!
CHARLES: Who!!!?
MOSES: Them!
HENRY: (entering) The musicians. Ma said they’re supposed to be on the nine o’clock stage, but it’s late.
ELISABETH: (entering) Charles, the stage is late!
CHARLES: Yeah, I know. Moses was just now calmly explainin’ it to me. It’ll be here, Elisabeth.
ELISABETH: And what if it isn’t? We can’t have a wedding without music!
CHARLES: It’ll be okay, Elisabeth. (going to her, taking her by the shoulders) Now breathe, honey. Just take a deep breath. All is calm. All is bright.
CONKWRIGHT: (coming out of the Inn and shattering whatever peace might have just been achieved, holding a sloppy sandwich in his hands) There is no mustard!
HENRY: What?
CONKWRIGHT: There is no mustard!
CHARLES: Oh, good grief.
CONKWRIGHT: “If you have faith that there will be mustard you can say to this mountain ‘Move!” and it will be moved!” Matthew 17, verse 20!
HENRY: You sure you got that right, Preacher?
CONKWRIGHT: I am paraphrasing, of course.
ELISABETH: Henry, it’s in the pantry. Go get it for him. (Henry runs into the Inn followed by the hungry parson and Moses.)
CHARLES: Why’d you get him?
ELISABETH: It ain’t like we got a lot of choice out here on the prairie. I could have shipped a Presbyterian out from Springfield but the last time Granny saw a Presbyterian she hopped on his back and tried to ride him out of town.
CHARLES: Elisabeth, it’s all going to be fine. I promise you.
ELISABETH: Oh, I know. I know. But it’s a mother’s job to worry, right?
CHARLES: Yes, and it’s the job of a father to pat her on the back and say “There, there, everything’s gonna be alright….”
ELISABETH: Thanks.
CHARLES: Even IF the musicians are late, the preacher’s eatin’ the wedding dinner and there’s a crazy old lady in the back yard who’s just dropped her dentures in the grass.
ELISABETH: (looking at him a moment then slapping him playfully) You are no help. I gotta get busy. (she exits into the end, running headlong into the minister who’s exiting, sandwich in hand)
CONKWRIGHT: “An excellent wife, who can find? She is more precious than jewels!” Proverbs 31:10. (she exits) That’s a wonderful woman you’ve got there, Charles.
CHARLES: I’ve pretty much decided to keep her. So. . . have you got the wedding message all whipped up, Reverend?
CONKWRIGHT: Mr. Kelso I prefer to live by the inspiration of the moment! Preparation is for beginners. When a man has walked with God as long as I have. .
HENRY: (entering) Pa….
CONKWRIGHT: (momentarily put off by Henry’s interruption, then continuing full-bore) When man has walked with God as long as I have. . .
MOSES: (entering) Pa! Pa! Pa!
CONKWRIGHT: When a man has walked with God as long . . .
HENRY: I gotta talk to you, Pa!
CONKWRIGHT: I never borrow the words of another man, because He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own…
HENRY: Pa, please!
CONKWRIGHT: . . . and the joy we share as we tarry there. . .
ROBERT: What is it, boys?
CONKWRIGHT: . . . none other. . .
HENRY: There’s his fella. . .
CONKWRIGHT: . . has ever. . .
HENRY: . . he got off the stage…
CONKWRIGHT: Known! Confound it, Mr. Kelso! Can’t you keep your boys quiet when God is speakin’?
MOSES: You’re . . . you’re . . . you’re God? Pa, he’s God! God’s right here! Oh God! I gotta go tell Ma! (and he exits into the Inn)
ROBERT: What is it, son?
HENRY: This feller…he got off the stage this mornin’.
ROBERT: Free country. A man can ride whatever stage he wants.
HENRY: But there’s somethin’ peculiar about him, Pa. He don’t act normal.
ROBERT: (looking directly at Conkwright) Lots of folks a bit odd but we have to allow that, Henry.
HENRY: But folks is talkin’, Pa. Mrs. Broadwell asked if he needed a room and he said, “Nope, just here for the wedding.”
ROBERT: Maybe he’s kin of your Ma.
HENRY: Ain’t nobody knows him, Pa. And he’s walkin’ around the place all mysterious like with his face covered up so’s it’s hard to catch a look at his face. He’s just plumb spooky, Pa!
CONKWRIGHT: There’s a simple explanation, my boy.
HENRY: There is?
CONKWRIGHT: He’s obviously a Lutheran.
HENRY: Huh?
ELMIRA: (entering) Wedding started yet?
ROBERT: Not yet, Granny. Henry, it’s time to hitch up old Nancy to the Wedding Buggy. Won’t be long now. I’ll see if I can find this mysterious stranger. (Henry runs off.)
ELMIRA: (to Conkwright) You still here?
CONKWRIGHT: I’m the presiding clergy at the wedding, ma’am.
ELMIRA: God help us.
CONKWRIGHT: Oh He will. He will. Did I see the boys carry a cake into the Inn?
ROBERT: Yes, but. . .
CONKWRIGHT: (moving back toward the door of the Inn) “Let us rejoice and be glad in…uh cake.” That’s somewhere in the Psalms. (and he is gone)
ELMIRA: He the best you could get?
ROBERT: He’ll be gone in the mornin’. Granny, you seen any strangers around Clayville?
ELMIRA: Stranger than the one who just went inside?
ROBERT: Somebody who don’t belong here.
ELMIRA: It’s a sign, Robert! I’m tellin’ you it’s a sign. “Stranger at your door, beware the dogs of war!”
ROBERT: Granny. . .
ELMIRA: “Uninvited guest…never will be blessed!”
ROBERT: Where do you. . . .?
ELMIRA: “A grandmother scorned! Regret the day you’re born!”
ROBERT: Where do you get all this?
ELMIRA: Most of it I just make up. But I got the gift of seein’ the future churnin’ deep down in my bowels!”
ROBERT: I. . . never mind. (taking her by the arm) Granny, let’s go for a walk, alright? Let’s see if we can cool down your bowels a bit.
ELMIRA: (as she grudgingly moves with him) “Never heed the call of a slick-tongued son-in-law!”
ROBERT: You made that up.
ELMIRA: I know. But it rhymes. (And they are gone, leaving the area vacant for a brief moment, then we see the form of a stranger wearing a long duster coat with his hat covering his face. He surveys the area then he exits.)
(Aaron enters from one direction, backing up nervously just as Rebecca rushes in from the other, not paying close attention to where she’s headed. They collide.)
REBECCA: Oh!
AARON: Rebecca! I’m so sorry!
REBECCA: Aaron! (throws her arms around him)
AARON: Should we be seeing each other?
REBECCA: Oh Aaron, let’s just elope. This is all to confusing.
AARON: We can’t do that.
REBECCA: Sure we can! It’s our wedding. Besides, Daddy’s been tryin’ to get me to do that all week to save all this trouble. Ask him, would you?
AARON: Me?
REBECCA: You’re the husband of the family. It’ll be your first official duty. Please, sugar? Just for me? Give it a try. See if he’ll let us elope.
AARON: I’m scared.
REBECCA: (grabbing his hand and pulling him toward the door of the Inn) Come on, Aaron. Mama’s got some good sippin’ whiskey hid behind the boiled him. Come take a nip then talk to Daddy…
AARON: But I don’t even…….! (but she has dragged him inside)
HENRY: (entering with Robert) I don’t know how it happened, Pa!
ROBERT: Oh this is just terrible.
HENRY: I’m sorry. I truly am.
ROBERT: It ain’t your fault, Henry. Horses come up lame all the time. But dern it, Nancy picked a heck of a time to twist her leg. Now I gotta explain to the groom why he’s got to walk to his honeymoon. Go on, son. Git. I’ll think of somethin’.
HENRY: Sorry, Pa. (and he is gone)
ROBERT: (looking to the heavens) I case you’re listenin’, I don’t need this.
AARON: (entering…just a bit unsteady on his feet) Mr. Kelso?
ROBERT: Aaron. Come here, boy. We need to talk. (Aaron carefully makes way toward him.) You alright, son?
AARON: It’s ….uh…the heat, sir.
ROBERT: I’m afraid we’ve got a new development that’s gonna affect your wedding.
AARON: You found out already?
ROBERT: Clayville’s a small place. Word travels fast.
AARON: I guess it does. So….I mean…what do you think we should do?
ROBERT: She’s never done this to me before.
AARON: That’s good.
ROBERT: Yeah, that’s good. She’s been a good old gal for about eighteen years then somethin’ like this happens.
AARON: Sort of a surprise. So. . .what do you think we should do?
ROBERT: Well, we could put her in the back stall of the barn, wash her down real good, then watch her for a few days.
AARON: (a long beat, then) Sir?
ROBERT: Oh, I realize that probably won’t fix the problem. I suppose I could trade her off.
AARON: Trade her off?
ROBERT: Sure. To some family who just wants somethin’ around the house to jump on and play with.
AARON: Oh my goodness.
ROBERT: And . . . I suppose if she keeps goin’ like she’s goin’ there’s nothin’ left but to shoot her.
AARON: I. . . .(and he faints dead away)
REBECCA: (entering from the Inn) Aaron, did you. . . (she sees him) Oh no! (runs to him) Sweetheart! What happened, Papa?
AARON: Honey, you are marryin’ a man with a tender heart for horses. I gotta admire that. I gotta go check on Nancy. (he exits)