A Very Prairie Wedding
By Ken Bradbury
The cast:
Elisabeth Kelso …mother of the bride Rebecca Kelso ….the bride Charles Kelso ….father of the bride Aaron Panickson …the groom Reverend Skeeter Conkwright . . . the minister Grandma Elmira . . . the bride’s grandmother Henry Kelso. . . .brother of the bride Moses Kelso. . . youngest son of the bride Mysterious stranger Aunt Eunice Elsie William Sarah Sally Assorted wedding guests
The setting: a hastily decorated area at Clayville, Illinois. A wedding is about to take place.
ELISABETH: (entering mid-dither) Here! I want it right here! Hurry, Henry!
HENRY: (entering carrying a spray of greenery) I can only move so fast, Ma.
ELISABETH: Then move faster. This wedding will wait for no man!
HENRY: Ma, I’m tired. Can’t she just elope?
ELISABETH: Bite your tongue and perish the thought, young man! The Broadwells were kind enough to give us the use of their home for your sister’s wedding. Stop being ungrateful.
HENRY: I ain’t ungrateful, Ma. I’m just tired.
ELISABETH: (shouting off) Moses! Stop talking to the horses! Bring me that bunting!
MOSES: (Moses was born at full-speed and hasn’t slowed a bit in the ensuing years. He’s hyperactive 200 years before the proper medications were developed, and his speech is mile a minute breathless. He carries a roll of bunting.) Got it right here, Ma! Got it right here! Where you want it, Ma? Just tell me where you want it! I got it, Ma! I got it! I got it! I got it!
ELISABETH: Calm! Calm down, Moses!
MOSES: Exciting ain’t it, Ma? I’m excited! You excited, Ma? We’s all excited ‘bout the wedding. Henry, you excited? ‘Cause I’m excited…oh yeah, you bet Moses is pretty darned excited! Ain’t it exciting?
ELISABETH: Henry!
HENRY: Yeah Ma?
ELISABETH: Gumdrop!
HENRY: Gotcha. (he tosses a gumdrop into Moses’s mouth and the boy melts into a puddle of tranquility)
ELISABETH: I spect you’ll go through a gallon of them gumdrops ‘fore this wedding’s done.
MOSES: (suddenly getting an idea, shouting) Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
ELISABETH: Gumdrop, Henry!
HENRY: (as he pops another into Moses’s mouth) Yes Ma.
ELMIRA: (entering) An omen! I tell you it’s an omen! (Grandma Elmira is a crotchety old believer in everything mystical and unworldly, seeing signs and omens in each passing wind. . . generally not a pleasant woman to be around since she knows that the world is always on the verge of doom.)
ELISABETH: Oh mother!
ELMIRA: I seen it, Elisabeth! I seen it this mornin’ when I woke up and looked into my tea leaves! It’s a sign! A sign! No one should get married today! And the sparrows were facin’ north. Did you see that, girl? North-facin’ sparrows right on my windowsill! No doubt about it! The end of the world is at hand!
HENRY: Gumdrop, Ma?
ELISABETH: Wouldn’t do any good. Ma, just go rest over in the shade. Rebecca’s gonna marry Aaron and everthing’s gonna work out just fine. Henry, you see any north-facin’ sparrows you run over and turn ‘em around.
HENRY: Yes Ma.
ELMIRA: Sure! Sure! Make fun! Ridicule an old lady’s premonitions! The flood! Did I predict the flood last month?
ELISABETH: Ma, it had rained for six days straight. Our dog could have predicted that flood.
ELMIRA: Just throw me out! Toss me out onto the road to Springfield and let the cattle run over my old gray head! Cut me into mincemeat and let the crows peck me to death on the back porch!
HENRY: Should I, Ma?
ELISABETH: Yes…I mean No! Ma, don’t get your bowels in an uproar. Everything’s gonna be just fine.
ELMIRA: You believe me don’t you, Moses?
MOSES: Granny’s right! Bad wedding! Horses’ll go lame! End of the world! End of the world! You know what I seen? You know what I seen, Granny? Mud! It ain’t rained all week and I seen mud off the back porch. You know what that means?
ELMIRA: It means your father’s been tinklin’ off the back porch again.
MOSES: Oh.
ELISABETH: Henry?
HENRY: (popping another gumdrop into his brother’s mouth) Yes, Ma.
CONKWRIGHT: (entering…The Reverend Skeeter Conkwright is the local circuit riding minister, a verbose character much in love with the sound of his own voice) Mrs. Kelso!
ELISABETH: Reverend! Ma…behave. We got a preacher here.
ELMIRA: Be ye Baptist or heathen?
CONKWRIGHT: Methodist, ma’am!
ELMIRA: Even worse.
ELISABETH: Ma!
CONKWRIGHT: Ready for the wedding?
ELISABETH: I surely appreciate you makin’ the trip out here, Reverend Conkwright. It means a lot to all of us.
CONKWRIGHT: Mrs. Kelso, I go wherever the Lord directs me! “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, here I am, Lord! Reverend Skeeter Conkwright!” Isaiah 6, verse 8 plus a little more.
ELISABETH: We’re nearly ready, Reverend.
CONKWRIGHT: I don’t suppose there’d be a bit of sustenance on the grounds?
ELISABETH: Sir?
CONKWRIGHT: Food.
ELISABETH: Oh…we’re settin’ up for the wedding dinner right inside in Inn. I guess you could help yourself.
CONKWRIGHT: Much obliged, Sister Kelso. “And wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face shine, and bread which strengthen man’s heart!” Psalms 104, verse 15. (and he exits)
ELMIRA: (just as he exits) “Balaam got up in the morning and saddled his donkey.” Numbers 22, verse 21.
ELISABETH: Ma! Hush! Boys, I need those cookies out of the wagon. Get at it! (the boys rush off) Mama, you gotta behave…at least for this one single day. Can you promise me that?
ELMIRA: You don’t want me to speak the truth?
ELISABETH: Sure I do. Tomorrow. Once everybody’s gone.
ELMIRA: Just what part have I got in this wedding?
ELISABETH: The part of the quiet grandmother.
ELMIRA: You don’t trust me?
ELISABETH: Not on your life, Mama. Just don’t cause any trouble.
AARON: (entering, hat in hand) Excuse me? (Aaron Panickson is the groom and courage is not his forte today. In short, he’s a bundle of pre-nuptial nerves.) Uh…is this the place?
ELISABETH: Aaron! Grandma, the groom is here!
ELMIRA: Ain’t much, is he?
ELISABETH: Mama! Don’t mind Mama, Aaron. She’s a kidder.
AARON: Oh.
ELISABETH: Ain’t you, Mama?
ELMIRA: Yeah. I’m just a bag of laughs.
ELISABETH: Aaron, now you know it ain’t good luck to see the bride before the wedding.
AARON: Should I hide?
ELMIRA: Yeah. In Beardstown.
ELISABETH: Mama!
ELMIRA: You’re a nice boy, Aaron. So what if your knees are shakin’, you can’t hardly talk and I think you might have just wet yourself comin’ in.
ELISABETH: So…are you ready, Aaron?
AARON: I . . . I guess. Where should I go?
ELMIRA: I think you should. . .
ELISABETH: Quiet, Mama!
CHARLES: (entering, the father of the bride) Here you are! My future son-in-law!
AARON: How do you do, Sir? My name is Aaron Panickson and I want to marry your daughter.
CHARLES: Uh…son, I’ve known you since you were born, and in a few minutes you’re gonna marry my daughter. Don’t you think it’s a little late for introductions?
AARON: Oh….I didn’t know what else to say.
CHARLES: “I do.” Just keep rehearsin’ that line, boy. All you gotta say today is, “I do.” You got that?
AARON: I do.
ELISABETH: You wanna go into the Inn and freshen up?
AARON: I do.
CHARLES: Then git! (Aaron takes off for the Inn)
ELMIRA: (just before Aaron exits to the Inn) Who’d ever thought she’d marry an idiot like that?
AARON: (stops) Uh..I do. (and he’s gone)
CHARLES: Mornin’ Grandma.
ELMIRA: It’s a bad sign!
CHARLES: What is?
ELMIRA: That’s the best way to ruin a marriage. Have the groom show up.
CHARLES: Oh such talk from the sweetest little old lady on the Illinois prairie!
ELMIRA: Hold your flattery, Charles. You know that kid is worthless!
ELISABETH: Mama! He’s the smartest kid in this county! Headin’ off to college next year!
ELMIRA: Ever see him ride a horse? Like a drunken sailor.
CHARLES: World’s changin’, Grandma. A boy with book-learnin’ can name is own future!
ELMIRA: Back in my days we read the lumps in the oatmeal to reckon our future….we’d dig out the entrails of chickens and see what was comin’ down the road. Paaash! Book-learnin’! Such foolishness!
CHARLES: (to Elisabeth) Everything in order, Captain?
ELISABETH: Oh, I think so. I don’t know. I’ve never put a wedding together before.
CHARLES: He says, “I do,” then she says, “I do.” Everything else is just frosting on the wedding cake. That’s it, just “I do!”
AARON: (thinking it’s his cue, rushing out of the Inn) Did I miss it?
CHARLES: Go back inside, Aaron. You got that?
AARON: I do. (he exits)
ELISABETH: Cake!!!
CHARLES: What?
ELISABETH: The cake’s still in the wagon! (shouting off) Moses, don’t even touch that cake! (she rushes off)
ELMIRA: Did you know they’re not lettin’ me take part in this wedding, Charles?
CHARLES: Elmira, just sit there and be your quiet, wonderful self.
ELMIRA: But I want to do at least somethin’.
CHARLES: I love you, Granny, but the less you do the happier my wife’s gonna be.
ELMIRA: Such a much. I’m goin’ out back to rinse my dentures at the pump. (she begins to exit)
CHARLES: Good idea. Then how about takin’ a rest?
ELMIRA: I ain’t tired.
CHARLES: I know. But you’re wearin’ us out.
ELMIRA: (as she exits) You can pick your friends but you’re stuck with your kinfolk!
CHARLES: (watching her go) I should have left the cover off the well.
REBECCA: (the bride-to-be entering) Papa?
CHARLES: My girl! Rebecca I haven’t slept in days just thinkin’ of losin’ you!
REBECCA: Oh, you ain’t lost me, Papa.
CHARLES: I know that. But I’m gonna be mighty jealous of sharin’ you with young Aaron.
REBECCA: You seen him yet?
CHARLES: He just stumbled his way inside. He’s practicin’ his lines.
REBECCA: Was he nervous?
CHARLES: Not a bit! Nerves of iron, that boy! He jumped off his horse, ran right here into the yard and hollered, “I’m here to get married! Where in the heck’s my bride?”
REBECCA: You lyin’ to me, Pa?
CHARLES: Maybe a little. After your Granny got done with him he was ‘bout ready to go back to Petersburg.
REBECCA: Oh Granny!
CHARLES: No..no…she’ll be alright. She’s just a bit set in her ways. I’ve got an agreement with your mother. If Granny gets out of hand at the wedding I’ve got permission to shoot her.
REBECCA: Papa!
CHARLES: It’s just small gun.
REBECCA: (falling into his arms, laughing) Oh, Papa.
CHARLES: Honey, this is your special day. Don’t you let anything even try to mess it up. You got that?
REBECCA: I got that.
CHARLES: Now get along and see if your poor mama needs any help. She thinks it’s her own wedding.
REBECCA: Love you, Papa! (she moves to exit and is nearly knocked over by Moses rushing on) Moses! (he exits)
MOSES: (in a fit of spastic excitement) Pa…uh…Pa…uh…
CHARLES: Whoa! Whoa! Kick ‘er down a notch, Moses!
MOSES: Pa, they ain’t come! They ain’t come! I’m tellin’ you they ain’t come!
CHARLES: Who? Who you talkin’ about, Moses?
MOSES: Them! They! You know! They ain’t here! They ain’t here, Pa!
CHARLES: Who!!!?
MOSES: Them!
HENRY: (entering) The musicians. Ma said they’re supposed to be on the nine o’clock stage, but there was only one fella on the stage. Some stranger.
ELISABETH: (entering) Charles, the musicians aren’t here!
CHARLES: Yeah, I know. Moses was just now calmly explainin’ it to me. They’ll be along, Elisabeth.
ELISABETH: And what they don’t come? We can’t have a wedding without music!
CHARLES: It’ll be okay, Elisabeth. (going to her, taking her by the shoulders) Now breathe, honey. Just take a deep breath. All is calm. All is bright.
CONKWRIGHT: (coming out of the Inn and shattering whatever peace might have just been achieved, holding a sloppy sandwich in his hands) There is no mustard!
HENRY: What?
CONKWRIGHT: There is no mustard!
CHARLES: Oh, good grief.
CONKWRIGHT: “If you have faith that there will be mustard you can say to this mountain ‘Move!” and it will be moved!” Matthew 17, verse 20!
HENRY: You sure you got that right, Preacher?
CONKWRIGHT: I am paraphrasing, of course.
ELISABETH: Henry, it’s in the pantry. Go get it for him. (Henry runs into the Inn followed by the hungry parson and Moses.)
CHARLES: Why’d you get him?
ELISABETH: It ain’t like we got a lot of choice out here on the prairie. I could have shipped a Presbyterian out from Springfield but the last time Granny saw a Presbyterian she hopped on his back and tried to ride him out of town.
CHARLES: Elisabeth, it’s all going to be fine. I promise you.
ELISABETH: Oh, I know. I know. But it’s a mother’s job to worry, right?
CHARLES: Yes, and it’s the job of a father to pat her on the back and say “There, there, everything’s gonna be alright….”
ELISABETH: Thanks.
CHARLES: Even if the musicians are late, the preacher’s eatin’ the wedding dinner and there’s a crazy old lady in the back yard who’s just dropped her dentures in the grass.
ELISABETH: (looking at him a moment then slapping him playfully) You are no help. I gotta get busy. (she exits into the end, running headlong into the minister who’s exiting, sandwich in hand)
CONKWRIGHT: “An excellent wife, who can find? She is more precious than jewels!” Proverbs 31:10. (she exits) That’s a wonderful woman you’ve got there, Charles.
CHARLES: I’ve pretty much decided to keep her. So. . . have you got the wedding message all whipped up, Reverend?
CONKWRIGHT: Mr. Kelso I prefer to live by the inspiration of the moment! Preparation is for beginners. When a man has walked with God as long as I have. .
HENRY: (entering) Pa….
CONKWRIGHT: (momentarily put off by Henry’s interruption, then continuing full-bore) When man has walked with God as long as I have. . .
MOSES: (entering) Pa! Pa! Pa!
CONKWRIGHT: When a man has walked with God as long . . .
HENRY: I gotta talk to you, Pa!
CONKWRIGHT: I never borrow the words of another man, because He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own…
HENRY: Pa, please!
CONKWRIGHT: . . . and the joy we share as we tarry there. . .
ROBERT: What is it, boys?
CONKWRIGHT: . . . none other. . .
HENRY: There’s his fella. . .
CONKWRIGHT: . . has ever. . .
HENRY: . . he got off the stage…
CONKWRIGHT: Known! Confound it, Mr. Kelso! Can’t you keep your boys quiet when God is speakin’?
MOSES: You’re . . . you’re . . . you’re God? Pa, he’s God! God’s right here! Oh God! I gotta go tell Ma! (and he exits into the Inn)
ROBERT: What is it, son?
HENRY: This feller…he got off the stage this mornin’.
ROBERT: Free country. A man can ride whatever stage he wants.
HENRY: But there’s somethin’ peculiar about him, Pa. He don’t act normal.
ROBERT: (looking directly at Conkwright) Bein’ so close to Pleasant Plains we got lots of strange folks wonderin’ about.
HENRY: But folks is talkin’, Pa. Mrs. Broadwell asked if he needed a room and he said, “Nope, just here for the wedding.”
ROBERT: Maybe he’s kin of your Ma.
HENRY: Ain’t nobody knows him, Pa. And he’s walkin’ around the place all mysterious like with his face covered up so’s it’s hard to catch a look at his face. He’s just plumb spooky, Pa!
CONKWRIGHT: There’s a simple explanation, my boy.
HENRY: There is?
CONKWRIGHT: He’s obviously a Lutheran.
HENRY: Huh?
ELMIRA: (entering) Wedding started yet?
ROBERT: Not yet, Granny. Henry, it’s time to hitch up old Nancy to the Wedding Buggy. Won’t be long now. I’ll see if I can find this mysterious stranger. (Henry runs off.)
ELMIRA: (to Conkwright) You still here?
CONKWRIGHT: I’m the presiding clergy at the wedding, ma’am.
ELMIRA: God help us.
CONKWRIGHT: Oh He will. He will. Did I see the boys carry a cake into the Inn?
ROBERT: Yes, but. . .
CONKWRIGHT: (moving back toward the door of the Inn) “Let us rejoice and be glad in…uh cake.” That’s somewhere in the Psalms. (and he is gone)
ELMIRA: “A whip for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, and a rod for the back of fools.” Proverbs 26:3.
ROBERT: He’ll be gone in the mornin’. Granny, you seen any strangers around Clayville?
ELMIRA: Stranger than the one who just went inside?
ROBERT: Somebody who don’t belong here.
ELMIRA: It’s a sign, Robert! I’m tellin’ you it’s a sign. “Stranger at your door, beware the dogs of war!”
ROBERT: Granny. . .
ELMIRA: “Uninvited guest…never will be blessed!”
ROBERT: Where do you. . . .?
ELMIRA: “A grandmother scorned! Regret the day you’re born!”
ROBERT: Where do you get all this?
ELMIRA: Most of it I just make up. But I got the gift of seein’ the future churnin’ deep down in my bowels!”
ROBERT: I. . . never mind. (taking her by the arm) Granny, let’s go for a walk, alright? Let’s see if we can cool down your bowels a bit.
ELMIRA: (as she grudgingly moves with him) “Never heed the call of a slick-tongued son-in-law!”
ROBERT: You made that up.
ELMIRA: I know. But it rhymes. (And they are gone, leaving the area vacant for a brief moment, then we see the form of a stranger wearing a long duster coat with his hat covering his face. He surveys the area then he exits.)
(Aaron enters from one direction, backing up nervously just as Rebecca rushes in from the other, not paying close attention to where she’s headed. They collide.)
REBECCA: Oh!
AARON: Rebecca! I’m so sorry!
REBECCA: Aaron! (throws her arms around him)
AARON: Should we be seeing each other?
REBECCA: Oh Aaron, let’s just elope. This is all to confusing.
AARON: We can’t do that.
REBECCA: Sure we can! It’s our wedding. Besides, Daddy’s been tryin’ to get me to do that all week to save all this trouble. Ask him, would you?
AARON: Me?
REBECCA: You’re the husband of the family. It’ll be your first official duty. Please, sugar? Just for me? Give it a try. See if he’ll let us elope.
AARON: I’m scared.
REBECCA: (grabbing his hand and pulling him toward the door of the Inn) Come on, Aaron. Mama’s got some good sippin’ whiskey hid behind the boiled him. Come take a nip then talk to Daddy…
AARON: But I don’t even…….! (but she has dragged him inside)
HENRY: (entering with Robert) I don’t know how it happened, Pa!
ROBERT: Oh this is just terrible.
HENRY: I’m sorry. I truly am.
ROBERT: It ain’t your fault, Henry. Horses come up lame all the time. But dern it, Nancy picked a heck of a time to twist her leg.
HENRY: She’s such a good old horse, too.
ROBERT: We’ll figure out somethin’ else…either that or I gotta explain to the groom why he’s gotta walk to his honeymoon.
HENRY: Where they goin’ on their honeymoon, Pa?
ROBERT: He’s goin’ all out. They’re spendin’ the night in Tallula.
HENRY: Wow.
ROBERT: Now I gotta explain to the groom why his honeymoon horse is lame. Go on, son. Git. I’ll think of somethin’.
HENRY: Sorry, Pa. (and he is gone)
ROBERT: (looking to the heavens) In case you’re listenin’, I don’t need all this.
AARON: (entering…just a bit unsteady on his feet) Mr. Kelso?
ROBERT: Aaron. Come here, boy. We need to talk. (Aaron carefully makes way toward him.) You alright, son?
AARON: It’s ….uh…the heat, sir.
ROBERT: I’m afraid we’ve got a new development that’s gonna affect your wedding.
AARON: You found out already? Rebecca wanted me to talk to you about it.
ROBERT: Clayville’s a small place. Word travels fast.
AARON: I guess it does. So….I mean…what do you think we should do?
ROBERT: She’s never done this to me before.
AARON: That’s good.
ROBERT: Yeah, that’s good. She’s been a good old gal for about eighteen years then somethin’ like this happens.
AARON: Sort of a surprise. So. . .what do you think we should do?
ROBERT: Well, we could put her in the back stall of the barn, wash her down real good, then watch her for a few days.
AARON: (a long beat, then) Sir?
ROBERT: Oh, I realize that probably won’t fix the problem. I suppose I could trade her off.
AARON: Trade her off?
ROBERT: Sure. To some family who just wants somethin’ around the house to jump on and play with.
AARON: Oh my goodness!
ROBERT: And . . . I suppose if she keeps goin’ like she’s goin’ there’s nothin’ left but to shoot her.
AARON: I. . . .(and he faints dead away)
REBECCA: (entering from the Inn) Aaron, did you. . . (she sees him) Oh no! (runs to him) Sweetheart! What happened, Papa?
AARON: Honey, you are marryin’ a man with a tender heart for horses. I admire that. I gotta go check on Nancy. (he exits)
REBECCA: (kneeling over him, shaking him) Aaron! Aaron, wake up! Oh, Aaron! (and as she speaks, the mysterious stranger again appears, watches the couple, then exits) Aaron, this is no time to be sleepin’! Aaron, did you talk to him about elopin’? Aaron, if we’re gonna start are marriage this way then it’s gonna be a long haul..
ELMIRA: (entering) Is he dead?
REBECCA: Aaron! Aaron, wake up!
MOSES: (entering in his usual hyper) Hey Pa, I. . . (sees Aaron on the ground) What happened?
ELMIRA: Your sister shot her new husband.
REBECCA: Granny!
MOSES: Oh my gosh! Oh my goodness gosh! Oh my goodness to heavens to Betsy gosh! Rebecca killed him! She done murdered her husband! All that cake in there for nothin’! Oh my gosh! I gotta tell Ma! (and he’s gone)
AARON: (coming around) Rebecca.
ELMIRA: Dern.
REBECCA: Aaron, are you all right?
AARON: You’re still alive?
ELMIRA: I think I’m losin’ my mind.
REBECCA: Of course I’m alive, you silly thing! What happened to you?
AARON: Oh, thank goodness.
ROBERT: (entering with a gun) Rebecca, we need to talk.
AARON: (fainting dead way again) Ohhh!
REBECCA: Aaron!
ELMIRA: Bad booze.
EUNICE: (entering carrying a quilt) Becca! There you are, honey! (Rebecca keeps moving to cover the prone Aaron from Eunice’s view) Sweetheart, I just couldn’t wait until the reception! You know I always make quilts for my nieces on their wedding day and I just couldn’t wait to give this to you.
REBECCA: Aunt Eunice! (still trying to cover her view of Aaron) That’s….that’s wonderful! (taking the quilt) I’m sure I shall cherish it forever!
EUNICE: (seeing Elmira, coldly) Elmira.
ELMIRA: (with an equal lack of warmth) Eunice.
EUNICE: (to Rebecca) Well, it’ll keep you warm on these cold Illinois nights.
ELMIRA: Somethin’s got to.
ROBERT: Granny….
EUNICE: (moving toward the Inn) I’m sure your mama could use some help.
ELMIRA: We all could.
EUNICE: (to Elmira) Mama, I’m sure it’s gonna be a lovely wedding.
ELMIRA: Sure. Can’t you see the joy on my face? (Eunice exits.)
REBECCA: (back down on her knees trying to revive Aaron) Oh Papa! What’re we gonna do?
ROBERT: He’s just nervous, honey. He’ll be alright.
HENRY: (running in) Pa! The guests are comin’! (sees Aaron) What the. . .?
ROBERT: Shoot. We can’t let ‘em see him like this.
ELMIRA: I got a shovel out back. We could bury him.
(We hear the chatter of the approaching guests offstage.)
REBECCA: Whatta we do, Papa?
ROBERT: (grabbing the quilt from her and hurriedly spreading it over Aaron’s body) Cover him up. Maybe they won’t notice.
ELMIRA: No, nobody’s gonna notice that.
HENRY: They’re comin’, Pa!
ROBERT: Just act normal and hustle ‘em into the Inn.
(and the wedding crowd enters joyously as Robert and Rebecca do their best to hustle them off and Henry tries to hurry them along)
ELSIE: (entering with the others) Here’s the bride!
WILLIAM: Mornin’, Robert!
ROBERT: William.
SARAH: Excited about your wedding, Honey?
SALLY: (noticing the lumpy quilt) What the heck is that? (the wedding group stops)
REBECCA: Uh. . .
ROBERT: Uh. . .
REBECCA: It’s . . . .
ROBERT: Yeah, it’s. . . . (but they are lost)
ELMIRA: It’s none of your business! That’s my wedding gift for Rebecca and Aaron and I’m tryin’ my best to keep it a secret by hidin’ it underneath her Aunt’s quilt. Now would you folks stop tryin’ to ruin my surprise and get your butts inside before I decide to get violent?
(A long beat as the wedding guests stand stunned, then gradually begin to move into the Inn with Henry’s leading.)
ROBERT: Uh. . . . yeah. That’s what I was gonna say.
REBECCA: (as the last guest has exited) Thanks, Granny.
ROBERT: Nice going, Elmira.
ELMIRA: I may be grouchy but I ain’t quite stupid.
AARON: (waking from under the quilt) What happened?
ELMIRA: You died. I’m St. Peter. How to you like my dress?
AARON: What?
REBECCA: (helping him up) Aaron, let’s go out back and toss some cold water on your face. We’ll get all this straightened out.
ELMIRA: Well, you’ve caused quite a commotion. What have you got to say for yourself, young man?
AARON: (looks at Robert who nods, then. . .) I do?
ROBERT: Yes you do, Son.
REBECCA: Come on…before somebody sees you. (and she hustles the confused Aaron offstage)
ROBERT: Quite a day, Granny.
ELMIRA: You remember the day you married Elisabeth?
ROBERT: Sure do….I held my breath, Elisabeth held her bouquet…
ELMIRA: . . . and I held the gun..
ROBERT: . . and you held the gun.
ELISABETH: (entering in a dither) Where’s Rebecca?
ELMIRA: Out back tryin’ to sober up the groom.
ELISABETH: What!?
ROBERT: She’s just fine. He’s just fine. Everything’s just fine, Elisabeth.
ELISABETH: Is she dressed?
ELMIRA: Why? Have you had trouble with her runnin’ naked again?
ELISABETH: Mama! Her wedding dress. We’re getting close. Robert, have you seen the musicians yet?
ROBERT: Uh….I think I saw them pull up just now.
ELISABETH: Are you lyin’ to me?
ROBERT: Maybe.
ELISABETH: Oh, what are we gonna do? Everything’s ready!
ELMIRA: I could sing.
ELISABETH: What?
ELMIRA: Seems as if everbody’s forgot Granny’s a part of this family.
ELISABETH: I just want you to enjoy the wedding, Mama.
ELMIRA: I could do it! When I was a girl they called me the Songbird of Pleasant Plains!
ELISABETH: You were from Ashland.
ELMIRA: I sang loud. I’m tellin’ you, I could add somethin’ to this wedding that these folks’ve never heard!
ROBERT: I don’t doubt that a bit, Elmira.
ELMIRA: I wonder how Rebecca would like my rendition of “I Liked You Before I Knew You So Well!”?
ELISABETH: Mama!
ELMIRA: Okay. . . how about “Don’t Cry on my Shoulder ‘cause You’re Rustin’ My Spurs?”
ELISABETH: I gotta go. (she runs off)
ROBERT: You’re a big help, Granny.
ELMIRA: But I’m cute. You gotta gimme that. All this thinkin’ has plumb tuckered me out. I’m gonna go sit in the shade back by the well. Holler if anybody dies while I’m gone. (and she’s gone)
ROBERT: (to the heavens) I’m not kidding. I really don’t need this.
CONKWRIGHT: (entering, food in hand) You know, Robert, I’ve been in consultation with the Lord God Almighty just now . . .
ROBERT: He the one that brought the blackberry pie?
CONKWRIGHT: Oh. (wipes something off his shirt)
ROBERT: Just remember to keep it short. We came for a wedding, not a three-night revival.
CONKWRIGHT: But Mr. Kelso, I once held the pulpit for over four hours at a camp meeting in New Berlin!
ROBERT: (grabbing the piece of food that Conkwright is about to stuff into his mouth) Let’s put it this way. There’ll be no more food until after the wedding.
CONKWRIGHT: The sermon just got shorter.(he takes the food back) I’ve been thinking that I might choose the story of Daniel in the Lions Den as the scripture for your daughter’s wedding.
ROBERT: The what?
CONKWRIGHT: I thought about all the hardships surrounding a young bride and groom out there on the Sangamo Prairie! The lions of weather! The tigers of draught! The . . .
ROBERT: Uh…Parson, don’t you think you might want to send the new couple off with a bit cheerier message? How about usin’ Granny as your inspiration?
CONKWRIGHT: (a beat, then) The Seven Plagues of Egypt.
MOSES: (running in all a-dither) Pa! Pa! Pa!
ROBERT: Easy, Moses! What is it now?
MOSES: The. .. you know…the stranger…he’s askin’ questions! He’s askin’ questions, Pa! About the wedding! He’s goin’ all over town askin’ questions about the wedding! What’re we gonna do, Pa? What’re we gonna do? Oh, this is a problem, Pa! This is just a terrible big problem! What’re we gonna do? What’re we gonna do?
ROBERT: Well . . . how about answerin’ his questions?
CONKWRIGHT: “Do not neglect showin’ hospitality to strangers, for you may entertain angels underwear!” Hebrews 13:2.
ROBERT: Huh?
CONKWRIGHT: Maybe that was “unaware.”
ROBERT: See there, Moses? Even God says it’s okay.
MOSES: Oh gosh! Oh my! We got angels in their underwear! I gotta go tell Ma! (and he rushes off)
ROBERT: Moses! (But it’s too late…the boy is gone.) Preacher, you wanna watch what you say around youngin’s.
ELISABETH: It’s time!
ROBERT: For what?
ELISABETH: The wedding! Oh Robert, this whole thing has ruined my nerves!
ROBERT: (holding her) Mother, you need to just calm yourself. Take a couple deep breaths . . .
ELISABETH: And what was Moses saying about underwear?
ROBERT: That would be the preacher.
ELISABETH: (to Conkwright) You forgot your underwear?
CONKWRIGHT: Excuse me while I go pray! (and he is gone)
ROBERT: Honey, we don’t need musicians, we don’t need all the fancy trimmin’s. . . all we needs a bride and a groom and we got dandy folks in both them categories. We’ve raised ourselves a beautiful girl and she’s about to marry one fine boy. You’ve spent eighteen years gettin’ ready for this wedding. Everything needful is done.
ELISABETH: But the music. . .
ROBERT: They’ll be makin’ plenty good music once they’re married.
HENRY: (running in) They’re comin’!
ELISABETH: Oh Robert!
ROBERT: Calm, Mother…calm. All is well.
(And the wedding crowd starts entering the area, much excited.)
ROBERT: (after a bit, letting them settle, then. . . ) Thank you! I want to thank you all for comin’ to the wedding on this fine day! A special thanks to the Broadwell family for allowin’ us to use their beautiful grounds for the wedding! (all applaud) And we give all due honor to the settlement’s namesake, Henry Clay!
ALL: Amen!
ROBERT: We all know that Clayville will continue to thrive and eventually become the county seat of Sangamon!
ALL: Amen!
ROBERT: And now, without further speechafyin’ let’s have ourselves a wedding! (cheers from the crowd) I present the Reverend Skeeter Conkwright! (applause as Conkwright enters)
CONKWRIGHT: Thank you! Thank you! I do thank you so very much. I have prepared a few introductory remarks before the wedding begins, so if you’ll lend an ear for a few moments.
ROBERT: Reverend?
CONKWRIGHT: Sir?
ROBERT: Elisabeth made fried chicken.
CONKWRIGHT: I think I shall get right to the wedding! (cheers) Will the groom please come forward? (a silence…they look around) I said, will the groom please come forward? (more nothing, then) Anybody seen the boy? (nothing) Anybody know what’s holding him up?
AARON: (running on zipping up his pants) I do! I do! I do!
CONKWRIGHT: Easy, Son. I’ll do all the talkin’ all you gotta say is . ..
AARON: I do! I do!
CONKWRIGHT: Not yet you don’t. And now for the bride! (the crowd parts and a very lovely Rebecca walks into the area as Robert goes to offer his arm) And a lovely bride she is! (as the crowd assemble itself) Welcome to the wedding, my friends! As we stand here in the glory of God’s handiwork, surrounded by the tall elms and oaks of His most gracious creation, upon this handsome prairie so carefully designed by His great providence. . .
ROBERT: Gravy.
CONKWRIGHT: What?
ROBERT: Fried chicken and redeye gravy with buttermilk biscuits.
CONKWRIGHT: Let us get right to the ceremony!
ALL: Amen!
CONKWRIGHT: Aaron, do you take Rebecca to be your lawfully wedded bride?
AARON: Yes! Yes! Yes!
CONKWRIGHT: What?
AARON: I do! I do! I’ve been practicin’ . . . I do.
CONKWRIGHT: Good for you.
AARON: I do!
CONKWRIGHT: Thank you. And do you, Rebecca. . .
AARON: I do!
CONKWRIGHT: I think we’ve got that now. And you, Rebecca! Do you take Aaron to be your lawfully wedded husband?
REBECCA: I must certainly do.
AARON: Really?
REBECCA: Aaron!
AARON: Oh. I mean…thank you.
CONKWRIGHT: You’re welcome. And so before I declare you to be man and wife, let me say a word about the story of Adam and Eve when they settled on the Illinois Prairie. When God created Illinois back before the flood. . .
ROBERT: Preacher?
CONKWRIGHT: Yes?
ROBERT: Peach pie.
CONKWRIGHT: You’re married! (a cheer goes up) And now as is customary, we will have a song. (a silence) As is customary in all Illinois weddings, the musicians will now….
ROBERT: Uh. . . just a moment, Rev.
CONKWRIGHT: What’s wrong?
ROBERT: We’ll . . . uh. . .we’ll be skippin’ the music.
THE WEDDING CROWD: (surprise and disappointment)
CONKWRIGHT: But we’ve got to have music!
ROBERT: Just say Amen and we’ll eat.
CONKWRIGHT: But it’s a wedding!
ROBERT: And it’s over! Kiss the bride, boy.
ELISABETH: Oh Robert, I knew it! (to Rebecca) Honey, I’m sorry! I tried! But the musicians didn’t show up! Will you ever forgive me?
MOSES: Music! We ain’t got to music! Pa, we ain’t got no music! What’re we gonna do without music? If we ain’t got music then there ain’t no music!
ROBERT: Henry!
HENRY: Sir?
ROBERT: Gumdrop!
HENRY: Yes sir! (pops one into Moses’ mouth and he quiets)
CONKWRIGHT: Now see here, Kelso, I can’t rightly do a wedding without. . .
ROBERT: Henry!
HENRY: Gumdrop! Yes sir! (he pops one in Conkwright’s mouth and he quiets)
ROBERT: Folks, I’m sorry. I truly am. But they’re rightfully and duly married, and it looks like there ain’t gonna be no. . .
ELMIRA: Hold it!
ROBERT: Grandma?
ELMIRA: There will be music! (a stunned silence as the turn their eyes to Elmira and she comes to center of the group)
ROBERT: (after a long beat, rushing over to her, in a stage whisper) Granny! What’re you doin’? You know the musicians didn’t show up.
ELMIRA: I know. But I did.
ELISABETH: (rushing to them) Mama, what’s goin’ on?
ELMIRA: I’m about to make this a wedding to remember.
ELISABETH: Oh my.
ROBERT: Henry!
HENRY: Just ran outta gumdrops, Pa.
ELMIRA: (to the crowd) In case you folks ain’t noticed, I’ve not had much of a part in this “family” wedding. I raised eight kids, went through three husbands, fought off wolves, suffered prairie winters, and made this place a home! Now because I’m getting’ old and addled they’ve shuffled me off to the side like an old dishrag.
ELISABETH: Mama. . . .
ELMIRA: Quiet, girl. It’s Granny’s turn. So I thought I’d sing a little song for my darlin’ granddaughter.
AARON: Oh no.
REBECCA: That is so sweet!
HENRY: But Granny, the musician’s didn’t make it. How you gonna sing?
ELMIRA: Ain’t you never heard of Mysterious Strangers? (And through the crowd walks the Mysterious Stranger, guitar in hand.) His name’s Bob the Mysterious Stranger. You can rent Mysterious Strangers over in Pleasant Plains nowadays. Mighty handy. Hit it Bob! (Bob hit’s the first chord of “Home on the Range.”) (singing…slowly) Oh give me a home…. Where the buffalo roam… And the deer and the antelope play! Where seldom is heard… A discouraging word…. And the skies are not cloudy all day!
Sing along with me! (The group joins in.) Home, home on the range… Where the deer and the antelope play! Where seldom is heard .. . a discouraging word. . . And the skies are not cloudy all day!
(as the instrumental continues under, Moses comes running in) MOSES: Pa! Pa! Pa!
ROBERT: Easy, Son! What’s wrong!
MOSES: The musicians! The musicians, Pa! We found the musicians, Pa! We found all the musicians, Pa!
ELISABETH: You found the musicians? Where?
MOSES: Somebody’d tied ‘em up in the barn!
(All eyes slowly turn to Elmira.)
ELMIRA: Oops. (then singing to the same tune)
Just ‘cause my back ……tends to rattle and crack And I’m just a bit nuts, I suppose… Just ‘cause some folks, don’t put out much smoke.. Don’t mean there’s no fire in the stove!
(going out toward the audience and encouraging them) Everybody sing along!
ALL: Home, home on the range… Where the deer and the antelope play! Where seldom is heard .. . a discouraging word. . . And the skies are not cloudy all day!
REBECCA: (Xing to Granny) My Granny is strange. . .but our home on the range Will be blest by the presence of you! My Aaron and me. . . will be safe as can be…. If you think I’m not pleased well . . . (she nudges Aaron) AARON: I do!
ALL: Home, home on the range… Where the deer and the antelope play! Where seldom is heard .. . a discouraging word. . . And the skies are not cloudy all day! ELMIRA: Party time! (Then if the director so chooses the group breaks into a square dance, or the play could end at this point.)