Act I
Scene 1: Marvin and Clarissa …Rice Pudding Scene 2: Susan and Rick… We Are Stardust Scene 3: Meg and Bruce… Third Time Scene 4: Jason and Lydia … Did You Post It? Scene 5: Laurie and Phil … “Woo” Scene 6: Max and Gina… I Am Not Shouting Scene 7: Mark and Rebecca… You Pushed Me Scene 8: Paul and Jean…The Red Dish
Act II
Scene 1: Max and Gina …Answer the Door Scene 2: Jason and Lydia…The Love Talk Scene 3: Marvin and Clarissa …Don’t Forget the Ice Cream Scene 4: Meg and Bruce… Matching Socks Scene 5: Laurie and Phil…..Woo Too Scene 6: Susan and Rick…..Vinyl Scene 7: Mark and Rebecca…The Squeeze Scene 8: Paul and Jean…..The Four-Wheel Drive
Act III
Scene 1: Mark and Rebecca…. Spell it Out Scene 2: Meg and Bruce….Godzilla and King Kong Scene 3: Marvin and Clarissa…..The Redbird Scene 4: Jason and Lydia…..Going Public Scene 5: Laurie and Phil….Woo Woo Woo Scene 6: Susan and Rick ….Nissan Scene 7: Max and Gina…It’s All Good Scene 8: Paul and Jean…..The Rose
Act I
Scene One: Marvin and Clarissa
MARVIN: She’s as beautiful as the day I met her. I mean that. Some people just say that because they think they should, but I mean that. We borrowed the money to start farming and our first house wasn’t much more than a glorified lean-to about seven miles from any good road. One International tractor, a two-bottom plow, two-row cultivator and a cow. ….that didn’t milk. The tractor worked fine but the cow was busted. We ate her the first year.
CLARISSA: Did you get the kids up? They’ve got to get to school.
MARVIN: Yes honey, they’re up. Clarissa ran the scales at the elevator during the day then came home at night and drove the tractor while I slept. I got no idea when she slept.
CLARISSA: Can we go home now?
MARVIN: In a minute, sweetheart. We didn’t have a car. She’d walk the four miles to town and walk back again the evening. …and she carried a gun. I don’t know that she ever fired a shot, but she hated badgers…hell, everybody hates a badger. We had two and they lived somewhere between our house and the elevator. You don’t want to meet a Badger after dark and she met him twice….He held his ground and she didn’t have any choice ‘cause it was too muddy to get off the road. I told her not to be walking into town with a loaded gun…wasn’t safe…so she talked to that badger while she tried to figure out where she’d put her bullet.
CLARISSA: Are we going home?
MARVIN: In a minute, Clarrie. That’s when I started worrying about her all day …walking around with that loaded gun.
CLARISSA: I don’t like rice pudding.
MARVIN: You don’t have to eat it.
CLARISSA: Are the kids up yet?
MARVIN: (a beat, then) Forty-seven years. …that seems like a long time but it’s not. Sold the farm, retired, moved to town…a good move. You can’t farm forever and I didn’t have the energy or the brains to keep up with things. We’d lived in town maybe…I don’t know…I don’t remember when it started…Maybe two, three years before it all started.
CLARISSA: Somebody stole my purse last night.
MARVIN: It’s right here, Clary.
CLARISSA: No it’s not.
MARVIN: Right here by your bed. …right where we keep it.
CLARISSA: That’s not mine.
MARVIN: (a beat then) She’d forget things, but hell, we all forget things. Then it got a little worse…
CLARISSA: That’s not my purse.
MARVIN: (a beat, then) Then she took off driving one day…worst day of my life. Had to call the police. They found her at a truck stop near Alton. I got a ride down and brought her back. (a beat) It’s like….well, she’s got this tape recorder….It’s got a “play” button but no “record.”
CLARISSA: If those kids are late for school, don’t blame me. I don’t know why we just can’t go home. But I need my purse.
MARVIN: I never miss a day. Don’t matter what the weather is or how I feel, I just can’t miss a day. I’m not being noble…and she wouldn’t know if I skipped day, but I would. (looks at her) I don’t think she really needs me anymore….but I need her.
Scene Two: Susan and Rick
SUSAN: I remember the day I told my son that his parents had gone to Woodstock. His jaw hit the floor. I stood there cooking oatmeal, wearing a dress suit while reading the Wall Street Journal and told him that his parents once painted yellow daises on their Volkswagen and tied dandelions in their hair. It was like the day he realized that even Michael Jackson goes to the bathroom. The kid was shattered.
RICK: It was your idea.
SUSAN: And you are so wrong. …but who cares?
RICK: I just wanted to get it straight.
SUSAN: We were both so out of it we didn’t know who made the decision. We crossed the Illinois border with Creedence screaming out…
RICK: (singing) I see…a bad moon rising! I see…trouble on the way…
SUSAN: We were higher than kites…
RICK: On Dr. Pepper and Cheetos…
SUSAN: You stopped at an Ohio truck stop to ask the way to New York.
RICK: I was lost.
SUSAN: We cranked up Pinball Wizard and headed east. …a day later and there it was..
RICK: Mud…mud and crazies…and no toilets and no food and more mud and…
SUSAN: And you loved it.
RICK: …and I loved it.
SUSAN: You remember any of it?
RICK: If you remember Woodstock then you weren’t there.
SUSAN: Okay.
RICK: But test me. . .
SUSAN: Okay….who sang…uh…..
RICK: (to the audience) Watch this.
SUSAN: Soul Sacrifice.
RICK: Santana.
SUSAN: That was too easy.
RICK: (to the audience) I’ve got her.
SUSAN: Ball and Chain.
RICK: Janis Joplin.
SUSAN: Amazing Grace.
RICK: Arlo Guthrie.
SUSAN: What did Joni Mitchell sing?
RICK: She didn’t. She was on the Dick Cavett show that weekend. (to the audience) Score!
SUSAN: Darn. The Star Spangled Banner.
RICK: Jimi Hendrix! Anybody knows that!
We are stardust, we are golden, We are billion-year-old carbon. And we got to get ourselves back to the garden. By the time we got to Woodstock, We were half a million strong.
SUSAN: How do you remember all that?
RICK: Pot makes me sick and beer gives me gas. A half-million people in that pasture and I was the only one who could find my car.
SUSAN: (a beat, then) So how’d we get here?
RICK: Where?
SUSAN: Three kids, a mortgage, and yearly rectal exams.
RICK: Good Karma. The Age of Aquarius.
SUSAN: Do you see Mikey’s face when I told him his mother used to wear beads and weave sun catchers?
RICK: That was a terrible thing to do.
SUSAN: He had to know sometime. God, that kid is so straight he scares me. He polishes his shoes. Who polishes Nikes?
RICK: So if every generation is a reaction to the one before it, our grandkids will be…
SUSAN: Terrorists.
RICK: You’re right. We are stardust, we are golden, SUSAN: We are billion-year-old carbon. RICK: And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.
SUSAN: The timer just went off.
RICK: What’s for dinner?
SUSAN: Chicken potpie. Hurry up. His soccer game’s in an hour.
RICK: Peace.
SUSAN: Peace.
Scene Three: Meg and Bruce
MEG: Third time’s the charm.
BRUCE: Stop saying that.
MEG: I mean it. I think we can make it work this time.
BRUCE: Of course we can. Stop talking about it. It’s bad luck.
MEG: It’s a fact, Bruce. We’ve been married three times.
BRUCE: Okay, okay! But we’ve got it all worked out now so stop talking about it. Everywhere we go, you tell people that. It’s not even funny anymore, Meg. It makes us sound like….
MEG: What?
BRUCE: Losers.
MEG: We are. I mean we were. Now we’re winning.
BRUCE: But what’s the good of bringing it up all the time? Every time we get in a crowd of people you announce, “This is my three-time husband Bruce! Third time’s the charm!”
MEG: They laugh.
BRUCE: Of course they laugh. They’re embarrassed. How do you answer something like that? You laugh.
MEG: I don’t know what else to say. How am I supposed to explain something like that?
BRUCE: Don’t! Don’t explain it! Nobody ever asks you for an explanation of why we’ve been married three times, so don’t tell them.
MEG: They don’t ask but they want to know. I would. This is not normal, Bruce. Most people don’t get married three times.
BRUCE: Then it’s none of their business. Besides… “Third time’s the charm!” doesn’t exactly explain anything.
MEG: It shuts them up.
BRUCE: I just wish…I just wish you’d drop it.
MEG: So which wedding did you like the best?
BRUCE: Meg!
MEG: Just asking.
BRUCE: All of them. I liked them all.
MEG: Even if the first two didn’t work?
BRUCE: All weddings work…it’s the marriages that get crappy.
MEG: So which one?
BRUCE: Okay! Number two.
MEG: You didn’t like the last one?
BRUCE: Two’s an even number. I like it.
MEG: Bruce, I’m asking a serious question.
BRUCE: See what you’re doing? You’re purposely starting an argument.
MEG: I am not! I’m just asking your opinion.
BRUCE: And I’m in trouble no matter which way I answer.
MEG: Why’d you like number two?
BRUCE: Meg!
MEG: Okay…I won’t ask anymore questions. State plainly what you liked about wedding number two. That was a statement. No question mark.
BRUCE: Okay…the first wedding…we were young, we were nervous…we had no idea what we were doing…
MEG: I did.
BRUCE: Let me finish!
MEG: Sorry.
BRUCE: Who can enjoy their first wedding? Grandmothers. Grandmothers enjoy first weddings…mothers enjoy first weddings…the bride and groom don’t even know what’s going on…It’s all a blur.
MEG: I was blurry at our first wedding?
BRUCE: You said you wouldn’t ask another question.
MEG: Sorry.
BRUCE: The third wedding…well, it just felt like “Here we go again.”
MEG: I can’t believe you said that!
BRUCE: Meg!!
MEG: That was not a question! When the minister was asking if you’d love and cherish me you answered, “I will,” but you were thinking, “Here we go again!”?
BRUCE: That’s a question.
MEG: Then take off the question mark! I exclaimed it. It was an exclamation mark…a big exclamation.
BRUCE: Look, I had my doubts, okay? You walk up to your neighbor’s front door on Monday and his dog bites you. You do the same thing on Tuesday and he bites you again. You gotta admit, you wonder on Wednesday if you might get bit. (Meg stares a him a furiously long time, then….) Bad analogy?
MEG: Very bad analogy.
BRUCE: Wanna hit me?
MEG: I want to bite you.
BRUCE: I’m not literary, okay? Meg, this one might work. We’re smarter.
MEG: We are?
BRUCE: Aren’t we?
MEG: What do you think?
BRUCE: I don’t know. I think we are. I hope we are.
MEG: I hope so too. You know what they say….Third…..
BRUCE: Don’t.
MEG: Sorry.
Scene Four: Jason and Lydia
LYDIA: Did you post it yet?
JASON: What?
LYDIA: You know what.
JASON: I don’t know.
LYDIA: You don’t know.
JASON: No.
LYDIA: Your status.
JASON: Oh.
LYDIA: Did you?
JASON: I will.
LYDIA: When?
JASON: I don’t know.
LYDIA: It takes like three seconds.
JASON: I know. I keep forgetting.
LYDIA: You go to Facebook. You click “Yes. In a relationship.” You don’t even say with who if I embarrass you that much.
JASON: You don’t embarrass me.
LYDIA: Then why don’t you post it?
JASON: I don’t know.
LYDIA: Mine’s been there for a week.
JASON: I know.
LYDIA: Something wrong with that?
JASON: No.
LYDIA: (a beat, then) Why don’t you ever say more than two words?
JASON: I don’t know.
LYDIA: That was three. Progress.
JASON: Lydia, why do we….(he stops…can’t find the word)
LYDIA: Why do we what?
JASON: You know. Tell everybody. Why does the whole world have to know we’re going together?
LYDIA: Are you embarrassed…..
JASON: I told you…I’m not embarrassed about it. But it ought to be private, you know? This is just between me and you, right?
LYDIA: Yes.
JASON: Then why do we…you know.
LYDIA: I read in People Magazine….
JASON: Oh God.
LYDIA: Just listen to me. It said that men fall in love with their eyes…and women fall in love with their ears…what they hear. A girl wants to hear things.
JASON: That’s crazy.
LYDIA: It’s true.
JASON: You fall in love with your ears?
LYDIA: I think so.
JASON: I just go by what I see?
LYDIA: That’s what it says.
JASON: So talking to you on the phone doesn’t mean I care about you? I can’t see you now.
LYDIA: Are you visualizing me?
JASON: Huh?
LYDIA: Do you have a picture of me in your head?
JASON: I was looking at You Tube.
LYDIA: Jason!
JASON: But I was listening!
LYDIA: You watch your computer stuff while you’re talking to me?
JASON: Everybody does it.
LYDIA: They do not. (a long beat) Jason?
JASON: Huh?
LYDIA: You still there?
JASON: Yeah.
LYDIA: I’m sorry.
JASON: No. My fault. I’ll put in my page…I’ll say we’re in a relationship…and I’ll say it’s with you.
LYDIA: You don’t have to.
JASON: It’s okay.
LYDIA: Jason, don’t do it if you don’t want to.
JASON: No…I guess I want to…I just didn’t…you know…want to.
LYDIA: (a long beat, then) I gotta go.
JASON: Yeah.
LYDIA: (a beat, then) Do you really …I mean do men really fall in love with eyes instead of what they hear?
JASON: I don’t know. Never thought about it.
LYDIA: I’ll guess I’ll go.
JASON: Yeah. See you tomorrow.
LYDIA: Okay…(a beat)…bye.
JASON: Lydia?
LYDIA: Yeah?
JASON: That falling in love with what you hear?
LYDIA: Yeah?
JASON: I like your voice.
Scene 5: Laurie & Phil
LAURIE: Phil….Why don’t you woo me anymore?
PHIL: Why don’t I do what?
LAURIE: Woo. Woo me.
PHIL: Woo.
LAURIE: Yeah. Court me….you know. Woo.
PHIL: You’ve been watching Oprah.
LAURIE: No.
PHIL: We’ve been married…what? 18 years? Am I supposed to keep wooing?
LAURIE: It’s up to you. I was just wondering.
PHIL: You’re mad.
LAURIE: I’m not.
PHIL: You sound like it.
LAURIE: That’s because I’m mad. …disappointed...Maybe a little hurt.
PHIL: Oh boy.
LAURIE: Phil, you used to smother me with …stuff…flowers...candy. Do you remember when you climbed to my dorm window in college and sang to me?
PHIL: Three floors up. I could have killed myself.
LAURIE: It was beautiful.
PHIL: (singing) Oh, my love…my darling…I’ve hungered for your touch…a long, lonely time…
LAURIE: And then you grabbed for the ledge.
PHIL: I grabbed for the ledge.
LAURIE: And the campus police…
PHIL: ….the campus police came.
LAURIE: You were my hero.
PHIL: And now?
LAURIE: Well….I mean, we’re just married.
PHIL: Laurie, we get up, we get Janelle ready for school, we go to work and come home and go to her ballgame, then it’s time to go to bed. There’s not much time to …you know…
LAURIE: Woo?
PHIL: Woo. (a beat then) You’re telling me there is time. (no answer from her, another beat) So what should I do?
LAURIE: Don’t ask me.
PHIL: You’re the one who brought it up.
LAURIE: Yes, but if I tell you how to woo me then it’s not wooing. It’s…it’s plan or something. Be creative.
PHIL: Right now?
LAURIE: Sure.
PHIL: I can’t just woo on the spot. It’s got to be a surprise. If I wooed you now you’d see it coming. (a beat, then) Do you ever woo me?
LAURIE: What?
PHIL: Woo. When was the last time you wooed?
LAURIE: Women don’t woo. They…well…they flirt.
PHIL: That’s the most sexist thing I’ve ever heard.
LAURIE: It is not sexist! That’s just the way things work.
PHIL: A world of woo-less women.
LAURIE: Now you’re making fun of me.
PHIL: (a long, awkward beat, then he sings) “I love you truly…truly dear..”
LAURIE: Not that one. They sang that at my grandmother’s funeral.
PHIL: This doesn’t work. I just can’t woo on command.
LAURIE: I’m not commanding you. You need to go pick up Janelle.
PHIL: Is that a command? (a beat..nothing) Where is she tonight?
LAURIE: Soccer. . . or maybe marching band. I don’t remember.
PHIL: Get ready for a surprise when I come back.
LAURIE: What?
PHIL: You’re gonna get wooed.
LAURIE: Stop kidding around.
PHIL: I mean it, Laurie. You’ve never seen a woman wooed like you’re about to be wooed.
LAURIE: She’s probably waiting for you.
PHIL: She can wait a little while.
LAURIE: (a beat, then) Maybe some young boy is busy wooing her.
PHIL: (a short beat as it hits him, then..) I’ll be right back.
Scene Six: Max and Gina.
GINA: You’re an idiot!
MAX: I know.
GINA: You drive me crazy!
MAX: I agree.
GINA: Tell me why I married you!
MAX: I have no idea! I’ve told you that!
GINA: Tell me again!
MAX: I have no idea why you married me!
GINA: Then why are we arguing?
MAX: I have no idea why we’re arguing! You started it!
GINA: Always it’s me!
MAX: You noticed!
GINA: You’re an idiot.
MAX: You said that already!
GINA: So let’s get the house ready….they’ll be here tomorrow.
MAX: All of them?
GINA: All of them.
MAX: Good! I love having the whole family together. Even the bambinos?
GINA: Every blessed one of them. So help me!
MAX: I am helping, woman! I’m staying out of your way! Everything I do, it is wrong! Soon as I lift a finger you say, “Stop! Stop! Not that way!”
GINA: That’s because everything you do is wrong!
MAX: Did I just tell you? Is that just what I said?
GINA: For once, you’re right! Only when it gets you out of work do you try to make sense. Why did I marry you?
MAX: Because you love me! Admit it! You love me!
GINA: I admit nothing!
MAX: “Max!” you say… “Max, there is no one like you in the world!”
GINA: That, I got right.
MAX: How many you think?
GINA: Tomorrow?
MAX: No, how many potatoes in the basement? Of course I mean tomorrow!
GINA: I loose count..
MAX: How many kids we got now?
GINA: You don’t know?
MAX: I’m testing you.
GINA: Eight. We got eight kids.
MAX: How many bambinos?
GINA: That’s where I lose count.
MAX: You don’t even remember how many grandchildren?
GINA: They keep moving around! Ask them to hold still a minute and I’ll count. Don’t bother me, old man…I have work to do!
MAX: Work quietly. I need a nap.
GINA: A nap! Thirty-two family coming for dinner tomorrow and you sleep?
MAX: I thought you didn’t know the number.
GINA: I was testing you. You’re napping?
MAX: Tomorrow you will be too tired from working and I will have to do all the hugging and kissing. I need my rest.
GINA: That’s you! Hug and kiss! Don’t lift a finger, but hug…yes, he can do that.
MAX: It’s my nature, pet. I’m a lover…not a sweeper.
GINA: Move your feet.
MAX: Ten rooms in the house and she must start sweeping under my feet.
GINA: Two minutes and you’ll be snoring. Lift your feet while you’re still awake. Why did I marry you?
MAX: I told you. You love me. You still do.
GINA: That doesn’t mean I like you.
MAX: What’s the difference?
GINA: Love is an obligation. Liking takes effort. Move the other foot.
MAX: You are lucky to have me.
GINA: Such luck. Now stand up so I can move the sofa.
MAX: Some day I shall just leave you! I shall walk out the door…Goodbye, Gina!... Feed the dog! …Pay the bills!....Move the sofa!.....and never come back.
GINA: So many promises!
MAX: Lost! You would be lost without me, Gina! I am your rock!
GINA: Ha! Rocks have a purpose. Fifty-one years together and I am still looking for yours. Did you see the letter?
MAX: What letter?
GINA: From your daughter Olivia…she asked if for once Mama and Papa would not shout at each other at Easter.
MAX: Who’s shouting!!?
GINA: Would you listen to yourself?
MAX: We do not shout!
GINA: Stop shouting.
MAX: That’s just the way we live! How do other people live? Don’t they shout?
GINA: No. The Meggason’s…do you ever hear them shout at one another?
MAX: The Meggason’s are deaf…..they’ve not heard a word in years. They gave up shouting.
GINA: The Goldstein’s?
MAX: Too old. No breath.
GINA: They’re younger than we are!
MAX: But they don’t love each other like we do. This isn’t anger, Gina! It’s love!
GINA: Move your feet!
MAX: I’d love to.
GINA: Very funny.
MAX: You say…Olivia….this bothers her?
GINA: It upsets her children.
MAX: What’s the world coming to? I don’t understand children any more.
GINA: The world has changed, Max. Not every husband and wife spend their day screaming at each other.
MAX: And they call that love?
GINA: They call that love.
MAX: Go figure. It’s a whole new world. You think we should try it?
GINA: Try what?
MAX: Being peaceful….stop the shouting.
GINA: You’re kidding?
MAX: No. I’m not too old to change. Are you?
GINA: I have never been the problem.
MAX: You!? You have never been the problem!!? Ha!
GINA: You’re shouting again.
MAX: I am not shouting!!!!
GINA: Max…
MAX: The only reason I shout is to be heard over your shouting!
GINA: You’re doing it again!
MAX: I’m only….!
GINA: Max! Move your feet!
MAX: I’m busy!
GINA: Doing nothing!
MAX: Don’t shout at me!
GINA: I’m not shouting!!!
MAX: Do you love me!?
GINA: Yes!
MAX: Then I say it!
GINA: I love you, Max!
MAX: See?! See? We love each other! That proves it! I love you, Gina!
GINA: And I love you, Max! Now move your feet!
Scene Seven: Mark & Rebecca
REBECCA: You pushed me.
MARK: Did not.
REBECCA: Did too. Standing right in line for milk time. You pushed me hard.
MARK: I bumped you. I didn’t do it hard.
REBECCA: You did too.
MARK: Did not.
REBECCA: Right in my back….right when Miss Meyer was handing out the milk. I think I spilled some.
MARK: The carton wasn’t even open.
REBECCA: You wanna sit by me on the bus?
MARK: Why?
REBECCA: ‘Cause we can talk and stuff.
MARK: I guess. Can I have a Twizzler?
REBECCA: They’re mine.
MARK: You ain’t gonna eat all of ‘em.
REBECCA: Maybe I will.
MARK: Just one.
REBECCA: Okay. But eat it slow or you’ll want another one.
MARK: No I won’t.
REBECCA: Do you like Chloe Richards?
MARK: No.
REBECCA: She said you do.
MARK: I don’t.
REBECCA: Did you kiss her?
MARK: No.
REBECCA: She said you did.
MARK: Just once. Not hard.
REBECCA: That mean you like her?
MARK: No.
REBECCA: Not even a little?
MARK: I just kissed her. I didn’t mean it.
REBECCA: Oh.
REBECCA: Would you kiss me?
MARK: No.
REBECCA: Why not?
MARK: ‘Cause I don’t hate you.
REBECCA: Oh. Want another Twizzler?
MARK: Yeah. Thanks. They’re good. You got good Twizzlers.
REBECCA: Do you think I’m pretty?
MARK: I don’t know.
REBECCA: How can you not know?
MARK: I don’t know.
REBECCA: You wanna go with me?
MARK: Where?
REBECCA: Steady.
MARK: Oh.
REBECCA: Maybe for just a week.
MARK: I don’t know. Whatta you gotta do?
REBECCA: Just talk and stuff.
MARK: That’s it?
REBECCA: I think so. We just say we’re goin’ together and that’s it.
MARK: I don’t have to do nothin’?
REBECCA: I don’t think so. We just say it and that’s all.
MARK: Oh. Maybe.
REBECCA: When you gonna tell me?
MARK: Okay. I guess.
REBECCA: Then we’re goin’ together?
MARK: Now? It started already?
REBECCA: Yeah. I happens quick. Like automatic.
MARK: Wow. I didn’t even notice.
REBECCA: Fun, isn’t it?
MARK: I guess. You gonna eat the last Twizzler?
REBECCA: I don’t have to. You want it?
MARK: Yeah.
REBECCA: Here.
Scene Eight: Paul and Jean
PAUL: (alone onstage in front of a grave…a long moment, then) Gonna be an early winter. Seems like they come sooner. You liked winter though, didn’t you? Said it cleaned up the air. They don’t always scoop out the cemetery unless there’s a burial, so there might be some days I don’t make it up here, Jean. I’ll drive by, though. Maybe stop. Get as close as I can. It’s handy you being buried back here on the far side….saves people gawking when they drive by. Bob Fessler called the other night . . . asked if I was all right. Said he’d seen my car parked in the cemetery last week. …wondered if everything was okay. I said, “Hell no. My wife died. What’d be okay?” I mean, I laughed about it…so did he. He was just curious. But it was a silly phone call. Why else would I come here?
The kids are good. One of ‘em calls almost every day. Sometimes the “call waiting” lights up because two are calling at once. I don’t have much to tell ‘em. I’m doin’ fine, I’ll say…thank ‘em for calling. I don’t think I ever talked to them this much when you were alive. You did the talking for both of us.
I don’t tell ‘em this, but lonely hurts. I mean, I’m okay, I got most of my health and don’t worry much about paying bills, but those walls….they get pretty silent, Jean. Don’t say much at all. Yeah, I still go places, but…well…third wheel and all that. Don’t many restaurants have a table for three. If something lasts very long I just don’t stay.
You know it’s funny…I mean, in a way… I made it all the way through your funeral…the visitation….everything…didn’t shed a tear. I just didn’t feel like it and …well…you know me… I don’t cry much. But then the girls…when the wanted to have Thanksgiving at our place…you know, just because we always had Thanksgiving at our place… They went searching through the cupboards and brought out your red casserole dish. … then put it on the table. I don’t know what happened…..I just….I ….well…I had to leave the room. Ain’t that funny? Not a tear at the funeral but cryin’ at the sight of a red casserole dish? Strange how things happen. (a long beat then) I gotta go. …. You’re still my girl, Jean…… You’re still my girl.
Act II
Scene One: Max and Gina
MAX: Is that them?
GINA: They’re here.
MAX: All at once? They came all at once? Good grief…one, two, three……eight cars! They came in eight cars!
GINA: Eight families come in eight cars. Life is funny, Max.
MAX: Are we ready?
GINA: How would you know? You haven’t done a thing to get ready.
MAX: Ha! Look! A clean shirt! Just for you, a clean shirt!
GINA: You’re an idiot.
MAX: Stop talking that way. The children are coming.
GINA: Promise you won’t shout?
MAX: I don’t shout! I just answer you! (looking out the window) You sure those are all ours?
GINA: Eight families, Max. Eight products of our peaceful, loving marriage.
MAX: Don’t be smart. We did okay.
GINA: Tuck your shirt in. And where’s your tie?
MAX: I don’t need a tie to greet my own children.
GINA: Max!
MAX: I wasn’t wearing a tie when we conceived them.
GINA: Margaret?
MAX: Okay. Once. (gazing out again) I think we’ve gained some. …so many.
GINA: And if you can’t remember a name, don’t guess.
MAX: You think I don’t know the names of my own family?
GINA: Yes, and you run through them all before you land on the right one. Just skip the names and tell them you love them.
MAX: You don’t have to tell me to love my own grandchildren. (gazing out) Louie! He’s got three! When did he get three?
GINA: He started wearing a tie.
MAX: How do I look?
GINA: Old. They won’t tell you that, but when they drive home they’ll say, “You know, Papa’s getting older.”
MAX: And what will they say about you?
GINA: “Isn’t it amazing how Mama has kept herself so young?”
MAX: What does it matter? Your own papa never ages…He just stays your papa.
GINA: Let’s go to the door. They’re coming up the walk. And behave yourself this time.
MAX: Don’t tell me to behave in front of my own children! I raised them! They know me!
GINA: And that’s why I’m telling you that. They have memories.
MAX: That’s not fair, Gina.
GINA: Exactly what I’ve told myself for forty-two years with you.. “That’s not fair, Gina.”
MAX: Don’t start in front of the kids.
GINA: You started this forty-two years ago. Open the door.
MAX: Can we be nice to each other for at least a day?
GINA: What do you think?
MAX: You’re right. I’ll open the door.
Scene Two: Jason and Lydia
JASON: Lydia? (nothing) Lydia, you there?
LYDIA: I’m here.
JASON: I been texting you all day.
LYDIA: I know.
JASON: Why didn’t you answer?
LYDIA: I don’t know.
JASON: You get mad at me every time I say that.
LYDIA: I know. Sorry.
JASON: What happened? What’d I do?
LYDIA: Nothing. It’s got nothing to do with you.
JASON: I send you messages all day and you don’t answer and it’s got nothing to do with me?
LYDIA: Well…I mean, you’re part of it.
JASON: Part of it?
LYDIA: Maybe all of it. (a very long beat) You mad?
JASON: No. (a beat) Yes.
LYDIA: I’m sorry.
JASON: What happened?
LYDIA: You always say I’m nice.
JASON: You are nice.
LYDIA: But that’s all you say. …just “nice.”
JASON: What do you want me to say?
LYDIA: I can’t tell you that. I can’t tell you how to describe me.
JASON: (a beat, then) I’m lost. You are nice, Lydia. You’re really nice. That’s about the nicest thing you can about anyone is that they’re nice. (no response) What am I saying wrong now?
LYDIA: You call your dog “nice.” You say, “Nice Max.”
JASON: Oh Lydia!
LYDIA: You say your mom makes nice spaghetti. When you hit a three-pointer you shout, “Nice!”
JASON: Okay, okay. Look, that’s just expression and . . .
LYDIA: I know. That’s the trouble. When you go to college next year you think you’ll meet any nice girls?
JASON: (a beat, then) I think we just changed the subject.
LYDIA: No…it’s the same subject. If all I am is nice, then it won’t take much to top that once you leave home.
JASON: Lydia, this is a whole different thing. Who you been talking to?
LYDIA: Myself mostly.
JASON: So how do you describe me?
LYDIA: You?
JASON: Yeah.
LYDIA: I don’t know…you’re a nice guy and…
JASON: See!!!
LYDIA: I didn’t mean that!
JASON: See what you just did! Score! You just called me nice!
LYDIA: Okay! Okay! You’re more than nice. You’re sweet.
JASON: That’s how you describe your nephew.
LYDIA: And friendly…you’re very friendly.
JASON: Like your mailman.
LYDIA: Jason!
JASON: Words, Lydia! They’re just words! See? Don’t blame for not being able to describe how I’m…you know…feeling. It’s not my fault, I just don’t always know the words. When your baby nephew looks at you and says, “Goo-goo, goo-goo,” he means I love you. Don’t blame him because he doesn’t have the words yet.
LYDIA: (a beat, then) That was really sweet.
JASON: (a beat, then) Thanks.
LYDIA: I mean…it wasn’t great, but it was sweet.
JASON: Like your nephew.
LYDIA: Like my nephew.
JASON: I got to get to practice. Call you tonight?
LYDIA: That’d be nice…I mean… wonderful. And Jason?
JASON: Yeah?
LYDIA: I’m sorry. Sometimes I think too much.
JASON: No you don’t. I like girls who think.
LYDIA: Thanks.
JASON: See ya?
LYDIA: Yeah.
JASON: Lydia?
LYDIA: Huh?
JASON: Goo-goo, goo-goo.
Marvin and Clarissa
MARVIN: Looks like you’ve had your lunch.
CLARISSA: I haven’t had a thing to eat all day. They just leave me here.
MARVIN: Here’s your tray…looks like you ate it all. Chicken….and what’s this…green beans? You cleaned up your plate real good, girl. That’s the way to stay perky.
CLARISSA: They don’t feed me.
MARVIN: Pretty day out.
CLARISSA: Did you pack Richard’s lunch?
MARVIN: Yes.
CLARISSA: You’re forgetting things more and more. Are you sure you packed it?
MARVIN: I packed it, Clarrie.
CLARISSA: A banana. He always likes a banana. And I hope you didn’t put the jelly on top of the peanut butter. You’ve got to put down a layer of butter then the jelly then the peanut butter. The jelly will be soaked right through the bread if you do it any other way. They stole my purse again.
MARVIN: It’s right here.
CLARISSA: That’s not my purse. I got it at the Seattle World’s Fair, opening day, April 21st, 1962.
MARVIN: The Space Needle.
CLARISSA: We had lunch at the Space Needle. Two and a half dollars for a hambuger…without cheese. Robbery.
MARVIN: I remember it.
CLARISSA: It’s a wonder. You know you’re forgetting things.
MARVIN: I do my best, Clarrie. Want to go for a ride this afternoon?
CLARISSA: With all I’ve got to do today?
MARVIN: We can make it a quick one.
CLARISSA: Sure, then the Guild Members arrive tonight and there I am with a dusty house. You know, it wouldn’t hurt you to help around here.
MARVIN: I surprised you, sweetheart. I dusted everything in the whole house.
CLARISSA: You sure?
MARVIN: You can eat off the floor.
CLARISSA: Why would I want to do that?
MARVIN: It’s an expression, Clarrie.
CLARISSA: You’re talking funny, too. First you can’t remember things then you talk funny. Have you been to the doctor?
MARVIN: Not today.
CLARISSA: Well do it before the ladies get here. I can’t have you talking funny when the ladies get here. Do we have ice cream?
MARVIN: You serving cake again?
CLARISSA: Now that’s a silly question. When don’t I serve my German Chocolate Cake for the Ladies Guild? They expect it. But we need vanilla ice cream.
MARVIN: I’ll pick some up.
CLARISSA: What?
MARVIN: Huh?
CLARISSA: You’ll pick up what?
MARVIN: Ice cream.
CLARISSA: Why do we need ice cream? I’m serving cake.
MARVIN: (looks at her a long moment, then) Want me to rub your feet? You always liked that.
CLARISSA: Rub my feet? In the middle of the afternoon? Now wouldn’t that look just peachy if the Ladies Guild walked in and you had me thrown down on the floor rubbing my feet.
MARVIN: I guess you’re right. (a beat, then) Nice day out.
CLARISSA: Wish I had time to enjoy it. I’ve got too much to do.
MARVIN: I know you do. I know you do, sweetheart. Well…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.
CLARISSA: Where you going?
MARVIN: Home I guess.
CLARISSA: Now? With all we’ve got to do?
MARVIN: I’ll hurry right back. (a beat, then) I love you, Clarrie.
CLARISSA: Yeah, yeah…there’ll be time for that later. Well go on…you’ve got so much to do. Let me get at this house.
MARVIN: See you tomorrow.
CLARISSA: Marvin!
MARVIN: (a long beat) You…uh…you called me Marvin.
CLARISSA: That’s your name, isn’t it?
MARVIN: Yes, but…
CLARISSA: But nothing. You know, the doctor’s still open. Stop by and tell him what’s wrong with you. Maybe he’s a got a pill.
MARVIN: I will. I’ll do that.
CLARISSA: And don’t forget the ice cream!
Scene Four: Meg and Bruce
BRUCE: You did it again, didn’t you?
MEG: Bruce…
BRUCE: Hi there! This is my husband Bruce. We’ve been married three times!
MEG: Third time’s the charm.
BRUCE: Third time’s the charm. You promised.
MEG: I forgot. (a beat) Bruce, I honestly forgot…I’m sorry. We’re going out with the Browns tonight.
BRUCE: What? Why?
MEG: I don’t know….because I asked them….because they’re our friends.
BRUCE: The Browns? But they’re so dull.
MEG: Bruce…
BRUCE: They’ve been married over forty years and they still color coordinate their clothing.
MEG: They’re nice people.
BRUCE: Nice. Boring.
MEG: That’s ridiculous.
BRUCE: The last time we went out with them…that steak place. Rick ordered Tilapia and Blanche said, “No, you don’t like Tilapia.” He said, “No, I think I do.” She said, “No, you ordered it once before and you didn’t like it. Don’t order it.” He ordered a rib eye. The guy agreed with her. Meg, they never fight, they never disagree…They’re like…like….rice pudding. No spice…nothing.
MEG: The Brown’s have the happiest marriage I’ve ever seen.
BRUCE: I wonder what their names were before they married.
MEG: What?
BRUCE: I’ll bet it was MacNamara or White. Then after living with each other they just became…Brown.
MEG: You think it’s wrong to have a peaceful marriage?
BRUCE: Of course not, but …the Browns? Come on, Meg. They never raise their voices, they vote the same, they use the same soap…..Eating with them is like…like Novocain.
MEG: Bruce…
BRUCE: I’m not kidding. I just zone out. Like reading the phone book…nothing happens. They hold hands walking down the street, Meg. They belong to the AARP and they hold hands.
MEG: I think that’s sweet.
BRUCE: It’s not evil…just….just dull. She went to the restroom at Olive Garden and when she came back he stood up! Nobody does that anymore! He stood up and held her chair for her.
MEG: And you just sat there.
BRUCE: He took me off guard! I wasn’t prepared for chivalry in the middle of my stuffed mushrooms! I’d have had marinara sauce all over the table!
MEG: So why can’t we be like that?
BRUCE: You’re kidding.
MEG: Rick and Blanche have been married for over forty years and we’re on the third go-round. You see a message there?
BRUCE: No. No, I do not. If the secret to a happy marriage is the absence of any…conflict…anything remotely interesting, then no…I see no message there. They finish each other’s sentences, Meg. That just drives me crazy. I feel like I’m in Magic Kingdom in Disney World.
MEG: They’re happy.
BRUCE: They’re not happy. They’re numb. They wake up in the morning, eat the same cereal for breakfast, go to the same jobs…come home and say, “How was your day, dear?” “Good. Yours?” “Good.” “That’s good dear.” “Yes dear, that’s good.” “Good for you.” “Good for both of us.” Watch…just watch tonight. I’ll bet their socks are interchangeable.
MEG: Bruce…
BRUCE: I’m not kidding. You lift up Rick’s pants and I’ll get a peak at Blanche’s leg.
MEG: You’re being ridiculous.
BRUCE: Therapy.
MEG: What?
BRUCE: You arrange these evenings with the Browns for my therapy, right? You think some of that dullness will rub off on me.
MEG: Of course not. We’re meeting them at six. Come on, Tiger. They always look forward to going out with us.
BRUCE: I’ve got it.
MEG: Got what?
BRUCE: It’s us. We’re the only excitement the Brown’s have in their life. We’re like a cheap movie, Meg.
MEG: You’ve lost me.
BRUCE: That’s it! I swear! We sit there arguing with each other while Dick and Blanche “yes” each other all evening. They smile and we growl. It’s like they’re going to a slasher movie.
MEG: You’ve lost your mind.
BRUCE: You know, if arguing with you over the right way to cook a French fry brings a little excitement into poor old Dick’s life, then maybe it’s worth it. He’s a good guy. If hearing you complain about the way I lick my knife excites Blanche, then it’s all good.
MEG: You’re an idiot. I’m getting dressed.
BRUCE: What color socks are you wearing? I want us to match.
MEG: Get dressed.
BRUCE: I wonder what Dick and Blanche are wearing. Should I call?
MEG: You’re terrible.
BRUCE: The last two times we’ve been with them they wore sweaters. Let’s beat ‘em to it this time.
MEG: Third time’s…
BRUCE: Meg!
Scene Five: Laurie and Phil (Laura sits then Phil hurries in and sits.)
LAURIE: Where have you been?
PHIL: Notice anything different?
LAURIE: (looks at him a moment, then) What?
PHIL: The tie. I’m wearing a new tie.
LAURIE: You stopped to buy a tie? You have a hundred ties in there.
PHIL: But this is a new one.
LAURIE: Why?
PHIL: Dog-gone it, I’m trying to woo you, Laurie.
LAURIE: So you bought yourself a tie?
PHIL: How do you like it?
LAURIE: Phil, you don’t woo a woman by buying yourself a tie. You get her something.
PHIL: You’d look ridiculous in this tie.
LAURIE: Oh Phil.
PHIL: It’s for my date.
LAURIE: Where are you going?
PHIL: Out with you. Better get dressed. I made reservations for seven o’clock.
LAURIE: Tonight?
PHIL: Sure.
LAURIE: Without telling me?
PHIL: Wooing should be a surprise. You can’t plan these things.
LAURIE: Phil, I’ve got a meeting tonight. Why didn’t you tell me?
PHIL: I quote: “…if I tell you how to woo me then it’s not wooing.” Consider yourself wooed.
LAURIE: Oh Phil.
PHIL: Should I climb out the window and sing to you? This’ll be easier. We’re on the ground floor.
LAURIE: Can we make it another night?
PHIL: You want to be warned before you’re wooed?
LAURIE: It’s just that…I mean, I need some notice on these things. What about my meeting?
PHIL: Meetings can wait. Wooing has a very short shelf life.
LAURIE: Look…let’s just put it off one night…I’ll love it, I promise. I think it’s a wonderful idea.
PHIL: (begins to sing) Gonna take a sentimental journey …Gonna set my heart at ease…
LAURIE: Phil, I can’t miss this meeting…
PHIL: Gonna make a sentimental journey…to renew old memories…
LAURIE: Phil….don’t do this.
PHIL: Got my bags, got my reservations…Spent each dime I could afford…
LAURIE: But what am I going to tell…
PHIL: Like a child..in wild anticipation…I long to hear that, “All aboard!”
LAURIE: Would you stop that!
PHIL: Seven! …that’s the time we eat at…seven….I’ll be waitin’ up in heaven…
LAURIE: Okay! I’ll call them! I’ll make something up!
PHIL: Countin’ every mile of railroad track, that takes me back…
LAURIE: (in frustration) Oh! (and she exits as he remains in place, then..)
PHIL: (to the audience, pulling an imaginary train whistle) Woo-woo!
Scene Six: Susan and Rick
SUSAN: What are we going to do with these?
RICK: What?
SUSAN: Your old albums. I’m cleaning out the basement for the yard sale.
RICK: Toss everything. I don’t care. It’s a junk heap down there.
SUSAN: Good. Maybe some old stoners will come by. (reading) Goodbye “Mr. Tambourine Man.”
RICK: Hold it!
SUSAN: What?
RICK: Not The Byrds. Nobody throws away The Byrds.
SUSAN: (reading) “The Kinks.”
RICK: I’ll take the Kinks. Toss the others.
SUSAN: (reading) Frank Zappa’s “Freak Out,” Stones “After Math,” Bob Dylan!
RICK: Stop! Stop! This hurts! This really hurts!
SUSAN: Rick!
RICK: You do not toss Bob Dylan. It’s like…sacrilege. I’m serious, Susan. This is real pain. You can’t throw any of those out.
SUSAN: You’re kidding.
RICK: Look….You said albums..
SUSAN: Yeah?
RICK: Those things…those things are my life.
SUSAN: Oh Rick.
RICK: They’re me! I mean, they were me! That’s like selling a family album, Susan. I can’t give those things up.
SUSAN: (reading) “Pink Floyd”
RICK: (grabbing his heart) Oh my gosh! Gimme those albums quick. I think I’m having a heart attack.
SUSAN: Oh come on!
RICK: I’m serious! It’s like you’re killing my first-born child.
SUSAN: But you never play them!
RICK: We never see your nephew in Memphis, but we don’t toss him out into the yard.
SUSAN: Okay! Okay! So we won’t sell any of your albums.
RICK: I think I’m having a crisis.
SUSAN: Flashback?
RICK: No…no…just a crisis. I had no idea this was going to affect me like this. This is silly. This is really ridiculous. No. I’ll sell them all. This is stupid…it’s just a bunch of vinyl and cardboard. Sell everything.
SUSAN: (reading) Goodbye Jimi Hendrix.
RICK: Stop! Gimme that.
SUSAN: But you said…..
RICK: Throw away the rest. Everything else goes. I’ll just keep Hendrix.
SUSAN: Fine. (reading) Led Zeppelin.
RICK: Stop! One more…save the Zeppelin.
SUSAN: This is ridiculous.
RICK: I’m done. Really.
SUSAN: I don’t believe you.
RICK: Try me.
SUSAN: (reading) Jefferson Airplane.
RICK: (makes a small squealing noise…he’s in pain)
SUSAN: (reading) “The Band” “Otis Redding”
RICK: (begins to squeal louder)
SUSAN: (reading) “Moody Blues…The Kinks…Pink Floyd…”
RICK: (his squeal now beginning a mouth-agape moan)
SUSAN: (reading) “Cream….Neil Young… Santana…Sergeant Pepper..”
RICK: (shouting) I can’t take it!
SUSAN: Rick!
RICK: Stop! Stop! I’m going crazy and this is ridiculous and I’m losing my mind and I think I just wet myself!”
SUSAN: (laughing) You are serious!
RICK: Yes! Yes! Yes, I’m serious! You’re killing me, Susan!
SUSAN: I’m doing what?
RICK: You’re killing me! You’re stripping the skin right off my soul!!
SUSAN: (a long beat) We’re keeping the albums.
RICK: We’re keeping the albums.
SUSAN: We can do that.
RICK: (a relief, then) Thank you. (a beat) I’m childish.
SUSAN: (a beat, then) Yes.
RICK: But that’s okay.
SUSAN: But that’s okay.
RICK: I’m a good person.
SUSAN: You’re a good person, Rick. You eat low-fat oatmeal, you belong to the Kiwanis. You’re perfect.
RICK: Am I being silly?
SUSAN: Of course.
RICK: Can’t you ever lie to me?
SUSAN: Look, we’ll stack them in a corner. Mikey needs room for his computer.
RICK: Is that all that kid does? Work on the computer?
SUSAN: He loves it. He’s designing webpages, Rick. He’s fourteen years old and people pay him to design web pages.
RICK: I think I want to cry.
SUSAN: Put on some music.
RICK: Good idea. You see my Velvet Underground?
SUSAN: I’ve got Van Morrison.
RICK: Great. We are stardust, Susan.
SUSAN: I know, Rick.
RICK: ….. we are golden, We are billion year-old carbon.
SUSAN: Have a drink, Rick.
RICK: And got to get ourselves back to the garden…We were half a million strong.
Scene Seven: Mark and Rebecca
MARK: Why’d you do that?
REBECCA: Do what?
MARK: You know what.
REBECCA: I don’t know what. What?
MARK: You squeezed me.
REBECCA: Did not!
MARK: Did too! In the lunch line. You came up to me and squeezed me.
REBECCA: That’s called a hug. It’s not a squeeze.
MARK: You hugged me.
REBECCA: That’s what I said.
MARK: Don’t do that!
REBECCA: Why not?
MARK: ‘Cause it’s not cool. Everybody was lookin’ at me!
REBECCA: So what?
MARK: I quit.
REBECCA: Quit what?
MARK: Goin’ steady. I quit. I don’t like the rules.
REBECCA: You can’t quit.
MARK: Yes I can.
REBECCA: We can’t quit goin’ together unless both of us quit.
MARK: You’re makin’ that up.
REBECCA: Am not. It’s a law.
MARK: That’s stupid.
REBECCA: Don’t argue with me. It’s a law. You can’t break up ‘til both people want to break up.
MARK: You do what you want. I’m breakin’ up.
REBECCA: They’ll arrest you.
MARK: Will not.
REBECCA: They might. If it’s a law.
MARK: You’re kiddin’.
REBECCA: I’m not. They’ll come and arrest you and maybe go to jail or somethin’.
MARK: You didn’t tell me about all this before I said I’d go steady with you.
REBECCA: I didn’t have to tell you. Everybody knows it.
MARK: No way. No way does everybody know it. I didn’t know it and I make better grades than you do.
REBECCA: Sorry. We’re stuck.
MARK: Then don’t squeeze me again.
REBECCA: I hugged you.
MARK: Then don’t hug me. I don’t like it. And you made me spill my milk. And guys made fun of me in P.E.
REBECCA: I quit.
MARK: You quit what?
REBECCA: I quit going with you. We just broke up.
MARK: Really?
REBECCA: Really. We’re not going steady any more. We’re finished.
MARK: That’s it? That’s all you got to do?
REBECCA: That’s all.
MARK: (a beat then) That’s good.
REBECCA: It is?
MARK: Yeah. ‘Cause that means we can be friends again, right?
REBECCA: Sure.
MARK: (a beat, he smiles) Good. (she smiles)
Scene Eight…Paul and Jean
PAUL: They don’t mow up close to the stones anymore. Costs too much, I suppose. You can tell who takes care of their own that way….. Maxine comes out here every day, I guess. …not blade of glass stickin’ up around Mike’s stone. There won’t be any weeds around your stone, Jean. Not as long as I can bend over.
Well…what’s to tell you? Oh yeah…you’d have been tickled. Ellie…Judy’s youngest was in a school play and she needed an old-fashioned hat. That’s what she called it…old-fashioned. She wore one of yours. And she told everybody that it was her grandma’s hat. You’d have laughed. And for what it’s worth, she didn’t look a thing like you. I don’t know where they got that girl, but she doesn’t look a thing like any of us. How do you figure that?
Jean….I’ll be honest with you. People are tryin’ to fix me up. Oh, it’s not like we’re teenagers or anything…just social stuff. The kids will invite me out to eat and suddenly some widow will show up. It was funny…the first time. Hell, I can make my own choices, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Anymore when they ask me someplace I’ll say, “Okay, but who else is comin’?”
They just don’t get it. Until you’ve been there you just don’t get it.
It’s funny. We used to sit and drink coffee in the morning and I’d ask you how you were doing. That’s sort of a dumb question now. But still….I wonder…. How’re you doing, Jean?
Winter’s comin’. Don’t know how much longer I can make it out here every day. I think we got a contest goin’…those of us who come every day. We’re waitin’ to see who gives up first. Silly, isn’t it? There’s about four of us who try to make it out here every day and we don’t want to be the first one snowed out.
Well…I guess I’ll be goin’. But I wanted to tell you that I got a new truck. 4-wheel drive. I didn’t need it, but I want to win the contest.
I’ll be the last to quit comin’.
Act III Scene One: Mark and Rebecca
REBECCA: Desirable. D-E-S-I-R-A-B-L-E. Desirable.
MARK: Polynesian. P-O-L-I-N-
REBECCA: (whispering) Y. MARK: Huh?
REBECCA: (again, whispered) Y.
MARK: Why what?
REBECCA: It’s “Y,” not “I.”
MARK: Oh.
REBECCA: Y!
MARK: You can’t do that.
REBECCA: What?
MARK: You can’t cheat in a spelling bee.
REBECCA: I’m just trying to help you.
MARK: Stop it. We’ll get in trouble.
REBECCA: You’re out.
MARK: Huh?
REBECCA: They just said you’re out. You’re taking too long.
MARK: But you were…
REBECCA: You spelled it wrong anyway. Now I get to spell your word. P-O-L-Y-N-E-S-I-A-N. Polynesian. I win.
MARK: That stinks.
REBECCA: You came in second.
MARK: I didn’t win.
REBECCA: You mad?
MARK: No.
REBECCA: Yes you are.
MARK: No I’m not.
REBECCA: Well don’t get mad about it.
MARK: I’m not. Stop talkin’ about it and I’ll stop being mad.
REBECCA: So you are mad.
MARK: This is stupid.
REBECCA: I know it. I didn’t start it.
MARK: You could have missed it.
REBECCA: What?
MARK: Polynesian. You could have missed it and give me another chance.
REBECCA: Why?
MARK: You wanted to help me. You were whispering to me. Then they said I took too long…You did that on purpose didn’t you?
REBECCA: No way. What?
MARK: You got my attention so I’d take too long and you’d win.
REBECCA: I got two Twizzlers.
MARK: Can I have one?
REBECCA: Will you stop bein’ mad at me?
MARK: I think so. Try it.
REBECCA: Here.
MARK: Thanks.
Scene Two…..Meg and Bruce
BRUCE: That was lovely.
MEG: Stop that.
BRUCE: No, I mean it. That was just lovely.
MEG: Bruce, be nice.
BRUCE: Did you enjoy the pictures, Meg? I enjoyed the pictures. Rick and Blanche at Branson. Rick and Blanche and the grandkids at Branson. Rick and Blanche and the grandkids with Andy Williams at Branson. First from the right angle, then the left angle, then with darling little Haley sitting on Grandpa’s lap and she was just so cutsety-wootsy, weren’t you, Haley? Oh yes you were!
MEG: Bruce!
BRUCE: I don’t know…I feel so…..clean now. Homogenized. Sterile. Did you notice they both ordered Ranch dressing? Rick ordered regular Ranch and Blanch wanted low-fat …we almost had a major crisis, but then Rick said, “Take the Ranch, Blanche,” and we all lived happily ever after.
MEG: Okay, that’s it.
BRUCE: What?
MEG: We won’t do it again. We have lots of friends and I can always say we’re busy when Blanche calls. They have a wonderful church group. They’ll do fine without us.
BRUCE: No more matching socks?
MEG: We can do without socks completely if that’ll make you happy.
BRUCE: I was just kidding, Meg.
MEG: No you weren’t. Unless you can have an evening with some sort of…conflict or something, you’re bored.
BRUCE: It just doesn’t seem natural.
MEG: To get along? To agree with each other occasionally? Do you think they’re faking it?
BRUCE: No. No, not faking it. When Rick says he thinks Blanche is the most wonderful woman in the world, I believe him.
MEG: And when Blanche squeezes his hand she’s being sincere?
BRUCE: Even during the appetizer. Believe me, Meg, I’m convinced. There’s nothing artificial about the Browns. They are genuinely wholesome. Ozzie and Harriet and Mickey and Minnie and Mr. Rogers Neighborhood . . . everything about them is real.
MEG: So…do you envy them?
BRUCE: The Browns?
MEG: That’s who we’re talking about.
BRUCE: Envy? I wouldn’t call it envy. Maybe amazement. Maybe ….I don’t know… astonishment. Meg, a grown couple who never argue!
MEG: You don’t know that.
BRUCE: Who never seem to argue…who are so much alike that they don’t even know how that makes them different. I’m…well…..amazed.
MEG: You admire them, then? I mean, it works, doesn’t it? For them?
BRUCE: I suppose so. But I couldn’t do it.
MEG: Tell me about it.
BRUCE: Neither could you. That’s how we work things out, isn’t it? We discuss it? We disagree a little? We come to a decision?
MEG: I’ve never heard a relationship whitewashed so beautifully.
BRUCE: Oh come on…
MEG: No, I’m serious. That was …poetic, Bruce. The marriage spin-doctor. You should get your own cable show. I’d watch it.
BRUCE: Meg…
MEG: You shout then I shout back then you get mad, then I refuse to talk then you get in the car and go for a ride while I eat too much ice cream. Yes, Bruce, another marriage made in heaven.
BRUCE: Not Ozzie and Harriet?
MEG: Godzilla and King Kong.
BRUCE: But it works for us.
MEG: Really? Do you call this conversation we’re having right now “Working for Us”? You’re going to go to work mad and I’m going to have Tums for lunch. Is that a good working marriage?
BRUCE: (a beat, then) Call up the Browns.
MEG: What?
BRUCE: We’ve got a table for six to fill for the benefit next week. Invite the Browns.
MEG: But you just said…
BRUCE: Invite the Browns. Maybe something will rub off on us. Matching socks?
MEG: (a beat, a smile) I’ll go shopping.
Scene Three: Marvin and Clarissa
CLARISSA: I couldn’t sleep this morning.
MARVIN: What’s the matter?
CLARISSA: Birds. You should have heard ‘em. Thousands of birds outside my window. Spring must be coming.
MARVIN: Yep. It’s spring, Clarrie. (a beat as he looks at her) You seem pretty good this morning.
CLARISSA: I don’t feed ‘em. They just come.
MARVIN: I know. Lots of birds.
CLARISSA: We used to feed ‘em.
MARVIN: I know. Out the back porch.
CLARISSA: Not birdseed.
MARVIN: No.
CLARISSA: Just whatever we had left over.
MARVIN: I know. (a beat) It’s good to see you…chipper this morning.
CLARISSA: I’m always chipper.
MARVIN: I know.
CLARISSA: Thousands and thousands of birds. It was beautiful, Marvin.
MARVIN: (a beat, then) You called me Marvin.
CLARISSA: That’s your name, silly.
MARVIN: I know.
CLARISSA: Remember the redbird who’d fly at this own reflection in the kitchen window?
MARVIN: Yep.
CLARISSA: Didn’t know he was fighting his own reflection.
MARVIN: I remember. . . .Clarrie…it’s so good to hear you talk like this.
CLARISSA: Talk like what?
MARVIN: Like the old days. Remember when we’d sit of an evening…out in the swing on the front porch. We didn’t have to go anywhere. Everybody in town would just stop by in the evenings…out walking. You’d bake cookies…Monday and Wednesday….folks’d smell those cookies way down the block and we’d have kids all over the porch most nights. You’d say, “Watch out for the geraniums!” and they’d climb all over ‘em and you wouldn’t mind a bit. Maybe we could do that again. I mean, you’re not stuck here…You’re talkin’ so good and sensible tonight…Maybe we could try it…just for a night or two to see how it goes. Whatta you think, old girl? (he looks at her…she stares at nothing) Clarrie? (nothing) Clarrie, can you hear me? (Nothing. Clarissa continues to stare. He looks at her for any sort of recognition…but…nothing. Finally..) I need you girl. Please don’t leave me.
Scene Four: Jason and Lydia
LYDIA: (breathless) Okay, I picked up the dress today and if you’ve got your tux then you can pick me up at four and mom’ll take our pictures then we’ll meet the other guys at five ‘cause the dinner reservations are six ‘cause we’ve got to be to the prom by…..
JASON: …..Lydia.
LYDIA: …I don’t know. We don’t want to get there too early ‘cause nobody will be there and…
JASON: …Lydia.
LYDIA: Are you getting all this, Jason? Are you writing it down or something?
JASON: Lydia, hang on a minute.
LYDIA: What’s the matter? Jason, we’ve only got a couple hours and I still have a hair appointment and my nails and…
JASON: Whoa! Whoa! It’s just prom, Lydia.
LYDIA: (a God-awfully long pause, then) What did you say?
JASON: It’s…you know…just a dance.
LYDIA: I can’t believe you said that. This isn’t just a dance, Jason. It’s prom. Don’t you want to go?
JASON: Whoa! Whoa! Just a minute! I didn’t say that. But….well…
LYDIA: What? What’s the matter?
JASON: Is there any time where we’re going to….you know…just be alone. Just me and you?
LYDIA: At prom?
JASON: Yeah.
LYDIA: Well…I mean, when you pick me up…
JASON: Your parents will be there…
LYDIA: But when we drive to dinner…
JASON: ..with Mark and Cydney.
LYDIA: …but at the restaurant we’re….
JASON: …we’re going to be with five other couples.
LYDIA: But the dance is…
JASON: Millions. Do I have to go to the restroom with you just to be alone?
LYDIA: No. The girls’ restroom is a madhouse during prom. (a long beat) Jason? Jason, are you still there?
JASON: Yeah.
LYDIA: What’s the matter? You’re the one who invited me.
JASON: I know. Just you. (no answer) Lydia. Lydia, I’m sorry. This is special night for you. I didn’t mean to….. Are you still there? What are you doing?
LYDIA: I’m looking at my nails.
JASON: Your nails?
LYDIA: And my hair.
JASON: Thanks a lot.
LYDIA: No…you don’t understand. I don’t have time for those appointments.
JASON: Oh great.
LYDIA: I forgot something.
JASON: What?
LYDIA: (a long beat, then) You. (both hold a long beat before you leave)
Scene Five: Laurie & Phil
(both sit a minute, smiling, then…)
LAURIE: That was nice.
PHIL: Yeah. I’m glad you’re happy.
LAURIE: How about you?
PHIL: We need to do it more often. Wooing is fun. If I’d known how much I’d have majored in it in college.
LAURIE: You surprised the waiter.
PHIL: I think I was his first singing customer.
LAURIE: A different song for each course.
PHIL: The pork chops were tough.
LAURIE: Mine were great.
PHIL: No…I mean coming up with a song about pork chops. All I could think of was Walt Disney and the Three Little Pigs. I made them sound so cute I hated to eat them.
LAURIE: The other tables loved it.
PHIL: Did they?
LAURIE: You couldn’t’ see them. It’s hard to see when you’re wearing a tablecloth.
PHIL: You like the little tango at the end?
LAURIE: The Tennessee Waltz isn’t a tango but by then nobody cared.
PHIL: I liked our final dip.
LAURIE: Yeah. Next time hang on tighter. Did you pay for that lady’s dessert?
PHIL: I offered…but she was too busy clapping. Wooing can wear you out. (a beat then) Hey…
LAURIE: What?
PHIL: I’m sorry.
LAURIE: For what?
PHIL: Ignoring you. I should have known all this. I get busy…we all get busy. Sometimes I forget what’s important.
LAURIE: (a beat, then) Me too. …and thanks. That night when you outside my dorm..
PHIL: Yeah?
LAURIE: I didn’t sleep all night.
PHIL: Really? I did that to you?
LAURIE: It wasn’t just you.
PHIL: There were others?
LAURIE: I mean…getting that kind of attention. We all like to feel special. (a beat, then)
PHIL: Oh, my love, my darling I've hungered for your touch A long, lonely time . . .
LAURIE: Janelle’s sleeping.
PHIL: And time goes by so slowly And time can do so much Are you still mine? BOTH: (a beat as they both look behind them to Janelle’s bedroom, then both sing) I need your love I need your love God speed your love to me!
Scene Six : Susan and Rick
RICK: It was automatic! She didn’t even see my face!
SUSAN: Don’t get so upset. It was bound to happen sometime.
RICK: Not yet! Not yet it’s not! She didn’t even see my face, Susan! I didn’t ask for it! I was never gonna ask for it! This is the worst day of my life.
SUSAN: Rick…
RICK: The worst. I’m not kidding. I don’t care if I ever go out in public again.
SUSAN: Rick, it was just a cup of coffee. A stupid cup of coffee, for gosh sakes. Don’t make such a big thing of it.
RICK: I didn’t do a thing! Not a thing! I pulled into the drive-up and ordered a regular coffee then when I pulled up to the window she handed it to me and said, “Fifty-seven cents. One senior coffee.” ONE SENIOR COFFEE! She was just going by my voice!
SUSAN: So you’ve got a lifetime of senior discounts ahead of you! You used to lie about your age to get served. What’s the big deal?
RICK: The big deal is….You know what the big deal is.
SUSAN: (a beat, then) I know. We both know. Hey…I’ve got an idea.
RICK: What?
SUSAN: Let’s go back to Woodstock.
RICK: We drive a Nissan. You can’t go to Woodstock in a Nissan.
SUSAN: Who says? I’ve still got my beads and we could cover up the Birkenstock labels on our sandals! Come on, Rick! A magical mystery tour!
RICK: You still remember how to tie-dye?
SUSAN: Heck yes!
RICK: I wonder where I can find an 8-track player?
SUSAN: We’ll download the stuff to our IPod!
RICK: I like it…I really like, Susan!
SUSAN: Flower power!
RICK: What’s your sign?
SUSAN: Right on!
RICK: Let it all hang out!
SUSAN: If it’s too loud, you’re too old!
RICK: Hold it!
SUSAN: What?
RICK: I can’t.
SUSAN: Why?
RICK: The Kiwanis barbecue. I’m president.
SUSAN: Rick….
RICK: Sorry. I just can’t.
SUSAN: (a beat, then) Oh well. We are stardust…we are golden.
RICK: Not even funny.
Scene 7: Max and Gina
MAX: What a day! What a day!
GINA: I’ll clean up in the morning. I’m going to bed.
MAX: Now? Sit down, Gina! A glass of wine! Such a day! Such joy!
GINA: You broke the porch swing.
MAX: I was bouncing! You cannot hold your granddaughter without bouncing! And I caught her before she hit the ground!
GINA: Nobody caught you.
MAX: I think I broke something.
GINA: You’ll know tomorrow. I’m going to bed.
MAX: We did good, Gina! The family! Bambinos! This…This is what it’s all about, no?
GINA: This is what it’s about…this and going to bed. Turn out the light as you pass out.
MAX: Did I shout?
GINA: What?
MAX: Shout! Shout! I did not shout the entire day!
GINA: You did nothing but shout the entire day! Stefano’s new girlfriend…she was hiding from you. She thought you were crazy.
MAX: Stefano has a girl?
GINA: Mama mia!
MAX: Who’s Stefano?
GINA: Georgio’s youngest.
MAX: He’s old enough to have a girl?
GINA: He has a moustache. That makes him old enough. Every time you came into a room she ran out.
MAX: I’ll make it up to her next year. Ricardo will understand.
GINA: Stefano.
MAX: Who’s Stefano?
GINA: I’m going to bed.
MAX: Kiss me before you go?
GINA: You’ve been drinking.
MAX: Wine! I had one glass of wine!
GINA: Three.
MAX: Two.
GINA: I’m going to bed.
MAX: Gina!
GINA: Yes?
MAX: It’s good, isn’t it? It’s all good.
GINA: Yes. Yes Max, it’s all good. At the end of the day you tally up the bad and the good and the good wins. The good always wins.
MAX: I love you, Gina.
GINA: That’s good, too. Don’t forget to shut off the light.
MAX: Now I remember!
GINA: What?
MAX: The girl who ran out of the room!
GINA: You were wearing my dress.
MAX: Where’d she go?
GINA: She hid in the pantry ‘til you went away. She didn’t understand. She’s Presbyterian.
MAX: Oh. I think I’ll go to bed, too. My back hurts.
GINA: Don’t forget to fix the swing in the morning.
MAX: What happened to the swing?
GINA: Go to bed.
MAX: It’s good, Gina.
GINA: It’s all good, Max. It’s all good.
Scene 8: Paul and Gene
PAUL: (enters….stares a moment at the grave, then) You’ll never guess what I found. (he produces a weathered, artificial rose) Remember this? ‘Course you do. November 24th, 1966. The flower truck got lost tryin’ to find Mason City and you were ready to walk down the aisle. Your mother ran right out into the cemetery, plucked this off some poor soul’s grave and you carried it down to meet me. It was another twenty years before you knew how she got it, then you were so embarrassed you hid it in the chest of drawers. Then you forgot where you put it. The girls went through your things this week…they asked me about it. Sorry..I told ‘em the true story.
(a long beat, then) Jean…I haven’t been honest with you. I’ve told you I’ve been makin’ it okay…. Well. .. I haven’t it. Oh, I’m feelin’ fine, but inside… it’s not gettin’ any better, Jean. It’s not one bit better. I ..uh…I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you. There’s no …book...no advice that tells me… Every day…every day it just gets harder. I tell myself…I say that it’s just a sign…a tribute to how much we loved each other…but that only …that only makes it worse.
I always thought I was strong. That’s what I told myself. I’m not. It was you…you were the strong one.
(a long beat as he pulls himself together….at least a little) That’s all. That’s all I wanted to tell you. And I wanted to give you this….I guess this old rose has come full circle, hasn’t it? (he puts it on her grave) I guess that’s all I’ve got to say. (he exits)