← Scripts

Act I

Camp Ohmygosha, a parochial summer camp in Arkansas, run by the diocese of Our Lady of Perpetual Perspiration. The set is the camp commons area. Various buildings, signs, trees in the upstage area.

(In the silence we hear a very sloppy rendition of Reveille on an out-of-tune trumpet. After one time through the song, the trumpet unmercifully makes a second attempt at the tune as the lights come up. Campers begin to enter sleepily from all directions, some in shorts, some in pajamas, some still holding their teddy bears and blankets, all rubbing their eyes, trying to awaken.)

(They form two very jagged lines.)

RANGER BOB: (Entering. Ranger Bob is a walking twit, dressed in knee-length shorts, a ranger’s hat, whistle around his neck, and knee socks. He struts happily in front of his line of young campers. Bob tends to bounce along as he walks, forever cheerful, just too optimistic for words. You either want to hug him or slap him.) Goooood morning, my little campers!

ALL: (sleepily) Good morning, Ranger Bob.

RANGER BOB: It’s your friend Ranger Bob! Wide-awake and ready for our a great day at Camp Ohmygosha! What a glorious morning? Huh?

ALL: (barely conscious) Yes, Ranger Bob.

RANGER BOB: Hey, that’s the Camp Ohmygosha Spirit! That’s what makes Ranger Bob smile from the tippy top of his head to the bottom of his toesy-woseys! Now! Are we ready for our morning calisthenics?

ALL: (groans)

RANGER BOB: That’s the Spirit! Alright! All together now! Jumping Jacks! (he stands in front of the campers, facing DS, doing overly-energetic exercises as the campers stand behind him, barely moving their hands) One-two! One-two! One-two! One-two! And how about a few of those great Camp Ohmygosha pushups! (he hits a push up position as the campers behind him bend over slightly) One-two! One-two! One-two! Now some running in place! (He enthusiastically runs in places as the campers sort of pump their hands.) Run and run and run and run and run and run and run! (stopping) Wow! Now I feel like taking on another day! And how do we finish our morning roll call? Let’s hear that great Ohmygosha chant! (he shouts this out with appropriate gestures as the those behind him join in but with no enthusiasm)

ALL: Ohmygosha! Ohmygosha! Rah-rah-rah! Ohmygosha! Ohmygosha! Sis-boom-bah! Ohmygosha! Ohmygosha! Whoop-tee-doo! Ohmygosha! Ohmygosha! We---love---you!

RANGER BOB: Hurray! Hurray! Wow! Now we’re ready!

(A DING! is heard and the lights dim down to a single spotlight on Patty. All other actors onstage freeze in place. This happens at various times during the show as the solo characters step out DS and speak to the audience as they read their letters home. Each freeze is accompanied by a “Ding!”)

PATTY: “Dear Mom and Dad. It’s our first day at Camp Ohmygosha. What did I do to deserve this? Our camp director is Ranger Bob. . .he’s sort of a cross between my Aunt Susan and a popsicle. I’m not sure, but I think he may be on something.”

RANGER BOB: (as they unfreeze) So are we ready for a fun-filled day, or what?

PATTY: (DING!) “Was it something I said? Was it that milk I spilled in kindergarten? Look, I don’t want to ruin your summer, but could you come get me . . .I mean like right now? Love. . Patty.”

RANGER BOB: (as the group comes of its freeze) And what’s on the Camp Ohmygosha schedule today? I guess it’s time we heard from our social director! Hey kids! Lets’ hear it for Aunt Sally!

ALL: (a groan)

RANGER BOB: (looks around.. . . nothing) I said, “Let’s hear it for our lovable social director, Aunt Sally!”

ALL: (another groan)

RANGER BOB: Aunt Sally? Has anybody seen Aunt Sally?

JULIE: She’s still asleep.

RANGER BOB: Oh no, no, no! Aunt Sally couldn’t be asleep!

AUNT SALLY: (entering) Wanna bet? (Aunt Sally enters, a genuine wreck of a woman, still in her housecoat, hair in curlers, coffee cup in hand, sandaled and grouchy. This woman is not into either camping or kids.)

LINDA: (DING! as the group freezes) “Dear Mommy. Aunt Sally is our social director except she’s not very social. Fact is, I think she hates children. . .which would be okay, except she’s working at a kids’ camp. This makes it very hard for her. She reminds me of Daddy’s sister Anita. . .I mean, after Anita died.”

AUNT SALLY: (as the group unfreezes) What’s all the racket?

RANGER BOB: (a fake laugh) Oh, Aunt Sally is funny! Aunt Sally knows that she’s about to announce today’s camp schedule!

AUNT SALLY: Says who? I can’t even see. Where’s my coffee?

DONNIE: It’s in your hand, Aunt Sally.

AUNT SALLY: Shut up. I knew that.

LINDA: (DING!) “Aunt Sally isn’t really anybody’s aunt. And her coffee isn’t really coffee. She gets up around noon then sleeps most of the day. She says she has a ‘condition.’ Can I come home?”

RANGER BOB: (as the group comes out of its freeze) Hey campers! While Aunt Sally is . . uh. . .cheering up, let’s hear the camp song!

ALL: (a groan)

RANGER BOB: That’s the spirit! Here we go now! A-one! A-two! A-one-two-three!

ALL: (sort of singing with no enthusiasm, but Ranger Bob leading the way, to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree!”)

Camp Ohmygosha, Oh My Gosh! . . . You are the best camp ever! We have such fun; we burn our buns in all the awful weather! For three long months, our life is rich. . the bees that sting, the bugs that itch All summer long we sing this song. . Oh, Ohmygosh, we love you!

RANGER BOB: Oh, I just love that song! And hey campers! I wonder what we’re having for breakfast this morning? Donnie! Go fetch sister Meyer! (Donnie runs off) I’m sure that our camp cook is busy fixing a delicious breakfast for us this morning, but let’s show her how much we appreciate her!

DONNIE: (running in) She’s coming.

RANGER BOB: Hey gang! Let’s hear it for our favorite cook at Camp Ohmygosha! Here she is . . direct from the kitchen! Sister-----Oscar----Meyer!

(Sister Oscar Meyer enters. This girl is worn out. She wears the haggard look of a stray dog and has obviously been at this job way too long. The poor girl is about to drop. She wears a full-length, stained apron and her hair is a stringy mess.)

RANGER BOB: Sister! Over here, Sister! How about a cheer for Sister Oscar Meyer!

ALL: (with no enthusiasm) Rah.

JANET: (DING! . . . all freeze) “Dear Mom and Dad. . . the camp cook is Sister Oscar Meyer. She belongs to an order called Little Sisters of the Microwave. Last night we had hamburger and it wasn’t bad. Tonight she promises to thaw it out first. And I’ve never eaten green chicken before. Is that something Oriental? The kids all like her because she gives us an excuse to leave camp. Usually it’s just outpatient, but sometimes we get to stay in the hospital all night. The cafeteria is right next to the nurse’s station so it won’t be so far to walk. Please come get me as soon as you get back from the Bahamas. Love. . Janet.”

RANGER BOB: (as the group comes out of its freeze) And what’s for our super-tasty breakfast this morning, Sister Oscar Meyer?

SISTER MEYER: Cornflakes.

RANGER BOB: . . . and?

SISTER MEYER: Cornflakes.

RANGER BOB: Uh. . . anything else?

SISTER MEYER: Milk.

RANGER BOB: No . . . uh. . . no Cheerios this morning? I like Cheerios!

SISTER MEYER: Worms.

RANGER BOB: Huh?

SISTER MEYER: Got worms in my Cheerios.

RANGER BOB: Oh. So you threw out the Cheerios? That’s a shame.

SISTER MEYER: No. They’re for lunch. I call ‘em raisons.

RANGER BOB: Hey, let’s let Sister Oscar Meyer get back to her. . . uh. . . cooking. (Sister Meyer exits) Come on, campers! Let’s march in to the mess hall! Start marching on three! One! . . . Two . .(and the campers walk off) . . uh. . .okay. Three. Must be really hungry this morning. (as most of the campers are gone) Uh. . Aunt Sally. May I have a word with you?

AUNT SALLY: I didn’t do it.

RANGER BOB: No, it’s nothing like that.

ROSE: (entering) Ranger Bob, you need to see this.

RANGER BOB: Just a moment, Rose.

ROSE: It’s important.

AUNT SALLY: You got coffee?

ROSE: You are disgusting.

AUNT SALLY: Gesundheit.

ROSE: I wasn’t sneezing.

AUNT SALLY: Anyone ever tell you you’re sweet?

ROSE: No.

AUNT SALLY: They were right.

RANGER BOB: Ladies, please! What is it, Rose?

ROSE: (handing him a letter) This.

RANGER BOB: (reading a few lines, then) Oh no. Oh no.

AUNT SALLY: Oh what, oh what?

RANGER BOB: This is terrible. No . . . not now!

AUNT SALLY: I’m goin’ back to bed. Wake me up when he starts making sense.

RANGER BOB: Tomorrow night? They’re going to be here tomorrow night?

AUNT SALLY: The police? (begins to hurry off) I gotta go. . .

RANGER BOB: No, not the police. Our camp sponsors. They’re going to show up tomorrow night to inspect the camp.

ROSE: The talent show.

RANGER BOB: I know! The monthly camp talent show! And these are the worst group of campers we’ve ever had!

AUNT SALLY: (taking the letter and reading) “Times are tough and we may not be able to sponsor Camp Ohmygosha. . . but we want to take one final look.” Signed: the Finance Committee of our Lady of Perpetual Perspiration.

RANGER BOB: The camp sponsors! Without them we’ve lost the camp!

AUNT SALLY: Like rats in a sinkin’ ship.

ROSE: Why don’t you go hide somewhere?

AUNT SALLY: Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

RANGER BOB: Ladies, please! This is a crisis! We can’t let them see this group of campers! And they have no talent!

AUNT SALLY: (exiting) I need more coffee. Call me when the world blows up.

ROSE: Why do you keep that woman?

AUNT SALLY: (offstage) I heard that!

RANGER BOB: Can you call them? Can you stall them? If they see what this camp is like we’ll be broke! They won’t give a dime!

ROSE: Look Bob, just make sure that your campers are on their best behavior for the next two days . . . or we’ve had it. And get rid of that strange woman.

AUNT SALLY: (offstage) I can still hear you!

ROSE: (in frustration as she exits) Ohhh!

RANGER BOB: (now alone onstage) Oh great….this is just great. My whole career. . my whole life… . my Eagle scout badge.

SPIKE: (running in followed by Gene, Kenny, and Dave…the come to a skidding halt when they see Ranger Bob) Whoa! Wrong way! (the boys begin to exit)

RANGER BOB: Hold it right there, campers! (they freeze in their tracks) A word with you! You boys are without doubt the four most abominable campers at Camp Ohmygosha.

DAVE: Is that good?

SPIKE: Shut up, Dave.

RANGER BOB: I want you on your very best behavior, young men, or you will be washing dishes for Sister Oscar Meyer for the rest of the summer! Is that understood?

DAVE: Huh?

THE OTHERS: Yes, sir!

RANGER BOB: That’s the Camp Ohmygosha spirit! (he marches off as the others stand at attention. . .when he’s exited, they break into laughter)

KENNY: What a dork!

GENE: Can you believe that guy?

DAVE: I think I’m lost.

SPIKE: Dave, you’re always lost. Okay, here’s the plan.. .

KENNY: Wait a minute! You’re not really gonna do it!

SPIKE: ‘Course I’m gonna do it! I’ve got the perfect scheme, man.

GENE: What if we get caught?

SPIKE: They’ll kill us. But listen. . . we’ve been tryin’ to do this all summer and now I got it figured out. I know how we can sneak into the girls’ cabin tonight.

DAVE: Girls? Like. . the ones with long hair?

KENNY: Yeah, Dave.

DAVE: My sister’s a girl.

SPIKE: You’re sharp, Dave. Really sharp.

KENNY: But nobody’s ever been able to sneak into Delilah cabin at night! Coach Amazon would kill ‘em. You seen her? She eats nails for breakfast. Nobody’s ever got past Coach Amazon.

SPIKE: Yet. Gentlemen. . . I have a plan.

DAVE: My sister’s a girl.

SPIKE: Yeah Dave, you said that. Come on! We got work to do! (the boys run off as Jerri enters)

JERRI: “Dear Mom and dear Dad and dear postmaster who always reads my postcards. . . I need to tell you about this lady that guards us at night. Her name is Steve. I think that’s rather strange, don’t you? The kids call her Coach Amazon. She gargles peanut butter every morning. Other counselors tell knock-knock jokes. She just kicks the door in. We’re afraid to get up at night even if we gotta go real bad. One girl doesn’t breathe until she wakes up. Thanks for sending me to camp.”

(Lights dim out and quickly come up again. The scene is Delilah cabin at Camp Ohmygosha. Girls are in various states of going to bed, spread all over the floor in their pajamas with bedrolls, blankets, and sleepy-time toys. After a few moments of adlib chatter and pillow fighting, the specter of Coach Amazon bursts into the scene.)

AMAZON: Okay, men! It’s time for bed!

LOIS: But we’re not men, Steve.

AMAZON: You will be when I get done! Now man-up and get ready for bed. We got a big day tomorrow! It’s the big talent show and I expect Delilah cabin to come away with all the marbles!

JULIE: I’m so nervous about the talent show, Miss Steve. I can’t sleep.

AMAZON: How about twenty laps around Lake Purgatory?

JULIE: I’m too tired.

LINDA: (looking out an imaginary window) Miss Steve, there’s a German Shepherd tied outside our window.

AMAZON: That’s Jake.

LINDA: He looks mean.

AMAZON: He is. I trained him myself. Old Jake can take off the arm of a boy camper in three seconds. Any young hoodlum tries to sneak into Delilah cabin after dark, Jake will have him for breakfast in the morning.

LINDA: What are all the lights outside?

AMAZON: Motion detectors.

LINDA: And the dirt piles?

AMAZON: Land mines. I can’t wait for the first boy to try to sneak in here. He’ll get blown over into the Baptist camp.

JANET: Are boys really that evil, Miss Steve?

AMAZON: Deviants. Perverts. The only mistake God ever made.

JANET: I’m scared.

AMAZON: Want Miss Steve to tell you a bedtime story?

(Adlibs of Yes! Yes! Oh, yes please! Etc.)

AMAZON: Okay men, just this one, then it’s off to bed, okay?

JANET: Goldilocks and the three bears!

PATTY: Little Red Riding Hood!

JOYCE: The Twilight Saga!

AMAZON: Okay, okay. Let’s see. It’s been a long time since Miss Steve has told a bedtime story.

(adlib: Come on! Please! Pretty please!)

AMAZON: Alright, alright! Now everybody get settled down.

JANET: Make it something pretty.

LINDA: Something really sweet.

LOIS: I love sweet stories that make me sleepy.

AMAZON: Pretty and sweet. I’m not too good at this.

CAROLE: Oh please. . .something wonderful and soothing . . . something to make us happy so we can go to sleep.

AMAZON: Well. . . maybe I can think of something. Gather ‘round, men. (the girls form a group around her) Once upon a time. . .

JANET: I’ve heard this one before.

CAROLE: Be quiet.

AMAZON: Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, there was this little girl named. . uh. .

CAROLE: Snow White!

AMAZON: Okay. . .Snow White. . and she had this. . she had this. .

LOIS: Wicked stepmother!

AMAZON: No kiddin’? I mean. . yeah. . . .yeah. . bad lady. And one day her stepmama looked into her laptop and said, “Laptop, laptop on my knee. . Who’s the cutest? Her or me?” And her laptop said, “Sorry Queenie, you it’s not. That Snow White babe is really hot!” So she started making plans to kill the girl!

JANET: I love sweet stories.

AMAZON: So Snow White, she goes runnin’ through the woods. . and runnin’ and runnin’ and she comes to this little hut. . sort of looked like a Steak and Shake but without cheese. . .and she goes in and it’s empty. . but all the booths are like really tiny, you know? Like for little people.

JULIE: Fifth-graders, I bet.

AMAZON: No! Even littler! Then she hears this noise. . .

JOYCE: The French fryer!

LOIS: The milkshake machine!

AMAZON: No, no. . even weirder. . this noise like weird little men singing.

CAROLE: Justin Beiber!

AMAZON: No! Even more weird! It was seven little weirdoes tryin’ to sneak into her cabin! Seven little perverted males!

JULIE: Oh my!

AMAZON: You bet, oh my! So Snow White, she calls her dog Jake!

JANET: This is exciting!

AMAZON: And the weird little dwarves started climbing down the chimney and sneakin’ through the windows, and crawlin’ through the cellar, and tryin’ all sorts of disgusting things because. . . because. .

ALL THE OTHERS: Yeah?

AMAZON: Because they were men!

ALL THE OTHERS: Oh my!

AMAZON: Dirty, disgusting little men!

JULIE: What happened!

AMAZON: So Snow White takes this big stick and shouts, “Here Jake!” (and at this she stands and begins acting this out as the girls tumble backward, scatter, and generally cower in fear at this display of insanity) And she whacks one dwarf! Then Jake grabs another one by the neck and tosses him into the air! Then she grabs Dopey and Soapy and cracks their little heads together and Jake bites Sleepy’s leg and then starts chewing on Doc’s nose and then the cabin starts to shake and there’s an earthquake and a tornado and a tsunami and the whole thing comes crashing down on their heads and that. . .THAT, girls, is what happens when you let men into your cabin!

(The girls all faint, lights out.)

SPIKE: (DING! . . standing in a single spot and reading) “Dear Chuck, I’m slippin’ this note under your pillow so you’ll see it when you wake up. I would of put it under your towel but you’d never found it since you never take a shower. Ha Ha. I got the stuff we need to sneak into the girls’ cabin tomorrow night. Don’t chicken out on me or I’ll tell Ranger Bob about that magazine you got hidden under your mattress. Love and kisses, jerk. Your friend Spike.” (spot out on Spike and up on Kenny)

KENNY: (DING!) “Dear Mom and Dad. This might be the last letter you ever get from me since a kid named Spike has talked me into doing something that’s really, really dangerous. If I die, give my IPhone to Grandma. Every time I call her she keeps picking up her toaster and burning her ear. Don’t let my little brother have my dog. Give him to the Salvation Army or something. . .I mean my brother, not the dog. (spot out on Kenny and up on Ranger Bob)

RANGER BOB: (DING!) “Dearest Mommy. You always told me I should sell real estate or become priest or drive a Schwan’s truck. I’m sorry. I should have listened. (lights out on Ranger Bob)

(The lights come up on Aunt Sally, still dressed in her housecoat, pacing back and forth in front of a row of campers who are now dressed in the camp clothing.)

AUNT SALLY: Okay, okay…quiet down. I can’t tell you how my head hurts. Where’s my coffee?

CHUCK: It’s in your hand, Aunt Sally.

AUNT SALLY: I knew that. Okay, happy campers. Here’s your day’s lineup. (looks at the list, lackluster) Whoopee. (reading) Nine o’clock in the craft hall. . the Redbird group will be making genuine imitation leather bracelets depicting the Seven Plagues of Egypt with Sister Rosetta Stone. Make some noise when you go in. Sister Rosetta’s nearly deaf. The Bluebird group will meet at the volleyball court with Sister Mister, and the Starlings will be in music class with Sister Sledge. I’ll be sleeping, so don’t wake me up. And don’t forget. . the big talent show is right after dinner tomorrow in the . . .

RANGER BOB: (running in) Aunt Sally! Wait a minute.

AUNT SALLY: You’re interrupting me, Ranger Bob.

ROSE: (running in) Ranger Bob!

AUNT SALLY: Oh no. Attila the Nun.

RANGER BOB: We’ve had a change in the schedule.

ROSE: What?

RANGER BOB: The talent show. It . . .uh. . it can’t go on tomorrow.

ROSE: What are you talking about?

RANGER BOB: Later, Rose.

ROSE: But those people. .

RANGER BOB: (putting his hand over Rose’s mouth) Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! I thought it would be best to put off the talent for a night or two until we’re really, really ready.

AUNT SALLY: Whatever. Anybody seen my coffee? I need a Tylenol.

ROSE: You are disgusting!

AUNT SALLY: Honey, when you were born your doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

RANGER BOB: Ladies! Ladies, please! Not in front of the campers.

ROSE: Ranger Bob, they’re here already.

RANGER BOB: Who’s here?

ROSE: The finance committee from Our Lady of Perpetual Perspiration! They’re inspecting the swimming beach right now.

AUNT SALLY: Don’t go down there, Rose. The cats will try to bury you in the sand.

RANGER BOB: Stop that!

ROSE: And they’re expecting the talent show.. You can’t cancel it now.

RANGER BOB: Oh dear…oh dear, dear, dear. I need a phone.

ROSE: Why?

RANGER BOB: To call my mother.

AUNT SALLY: Too late for that, Bobby boy! The show must go on! Okay campers! Let’s get at it! Sister Oscar Meyer’s got Jolly Ranchers on a Stick for lunch! Let’s go! (and the campers scurry off)

ROSE: You can’t call it off, Bob. It’s too late.

RANGER BOB: But I can’t let them see this group! We’ll lose everything!

AUNT SALLY: Maybe they’ll be impressed by the food.

(Enter: Sister Oscar Meyer, carrying a club of some sort. Looking around the area as she walks.)

RANGER BOB: Sister Oscar Meyer! What’re you looking for?

SISTER OSCAR MEYER: (slams her club to the ground, then picks up something and puts in in her pocket) Dinner. (she exits, still looking for prey)

AUNT SALLY: Okay, forget that idea.

ROSE: (looking off) Look! The committee’s coming up the hill!

RANGER BOB: Oh no. I’ve got to stall them. (to Rose, indicated Aunt Sally) Hide her somewhere.

AUNT SALLY: Do what?!!

RANGER BOB: Don’t let them see Aunt Sally.

AUNT SALLY: Now wait a minute!

RANGER BOB: Do whatever it takes.

ROSE: (grabbing Aunt Sally and exiting with her) I’ve got a rope in my office.

AUNT SALLY: Unhand me, woman! (and the two ladies are gone)

RANGER BOB: (DING!) “Dear Mom. Remember when I was in fourth grade and I stole little Merle Beddingfield’s orange juice? You told me that God would get me some day for that. I think He’s doing that right now. Is it too late to ask forgiveness? I wonder where Merle is today. If you see him would you tell him I’m really, really sorry even though he was a mean little boy? Love you. . Bobby.”

(Lights out)

AMAZON: (entering at a trot, a group of girls behind her) One-two! One-two! Step it up, there! One-two! One-two! Company- - - - Halt! At ease! Okay girls, this is our last rehearsal.

JERRI: I’m tired, Miss Steve. Six miles is a long hike!

AMAZON: (extending her bicep to Jerri) Feel that! (she does) Steel baby. . . muscles of steel! Know what we call a flabby mealy-mouthed wimpy camper?

THE GIRLS: A boy!

AMAZON: That’s right! I don’t you men to grow up wimpy like boys! One more run-through of our act!

CONNIE: But we’ve practiced it for weeks, Miss Steve.

AMAZON: And that’s how you win, Bubba! Repetition! Repetition! Repetition! When you guys take the stage at the talent show you’re gonna blow those other cabins right out of the water.

JULIE: What’s the title of our act, Miss Steve?

AMAZON: “Great Scenes from the Bible!” It’s like nothing this camp has ever seen before! You’ll be like a living picture of the Bible’s greatest hits! I’ll announce the scene from the Bible, and Bang! You give us the picture. Okay, now just like we rehearsed it! Ready?

THE GIRLS: No.

AMAZON: Great! Here we go! “Moses crossing the Red Sea!” One, two, three, freeze! (and in that time, the girls quickly scurry around and make a frozen tableau of each scene that she announces) (as the girls continue to hold the Moses pose) Beautiful! A work of art, gentlemen! Now the next one! “Noah’s Ark!” One, two, three, freeze! (they do) Oh, my heart is beating out of my chest! And here goes “Daniel in the Lion’s Den!” One, two, three. . freeze! I can feel the blue ribbon comin’ our way, men! Okay, one more! “Eve choking Adam in the Garden of Eden!” (the girls look at her in shock and confusion)

PATTY: Eve choking Adam in the Garden of Eden?

AMAZON: She caught him trying to sneak into the girls’ cabin late at night. It’s in the Protestant version. . . Trust me, Patty. Ready? One, two, three. . Freeze! (they make their tableau of this) Okay, that’s enough. We’ve got this one in the bag, men.

JANET: (DING! as they freeze) “Dear Mom. . . I think the Catholics have a different Bible than we do. I know that you told me to keep quiet at Camp Ohmygosha since I’m Baptist, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I already got in trouble for wearing my rosary beads on my head. How was I supposed to know? Love, Janet.” (the lights come up and the group comes out of its freeze)

(blackout)

RANGER BOB: (as the lights come up, he stands DS of a group of boys) Boys, I can’t tell you the specifics, but this talent show is a matter of life or death.

DAVE: Cool.

CHUCK: Shut up, Dave.

DAVE: Sorry.

RANGER BOB: Our very lives may depend on it.

DAVE: Cool.

GENE: Dave!

DAVE: Sorry.

RANGER BOB: We have to do a performance that shows enlightenment! . . . culture! . . .refinement!

DAVE: I can’t spell them things.

SPIKE: Dave!

DAVE: Sorry.

RANGER BOB: So you boys are going to do a scene from Shakespeare.

THE BOYS: Huh?

RANGER BOB: Shakespeare! The world’s greatest playwright! You will be presenting “The assassination of Julius Caesar!”

SPIKE: You gotta be kiddin’.

RANGER BOB: I’m as serious as a crutch, Spike. . . and I’ve got your old man’s phone number in my pocket. (handing him a script) Here, Caesar!

SPIKE: Me? How come I gotta get stabbed?

RANGER BOB: Just to make me smile. (hands scripts to the others) Here boys. These are your parts. Okay, here’s the scene. . .Caesar is going into the Senate House. An old man comes up to him . . (to Kenny) . . that’s you. And says, “Caesar! Beware the Ides of March!” (indicating Chuck) Then Cassius says, “Pardon, Caesar, as low as to thy foot doth fall . . I am as constant as the Northern Star!” Then Brutus. . .that’s you, Dave. You say, “I kiss they hand, but not in flattery, Caesar!” Then Spike…Caesar. . you give this big long speech about what a great man you are, then the others give these long speeches, then you rush at Caesar and stab him to death.

DAVE: Too cool.

RANGER BOB: Okay…now look at your lines. . .study them. . . take your time. . and. . .and. . .Let’s take it from the top.

(They all immediately rush at Spike and pretend to stab him to death and he dies a noisy and dramatic death.)

 RANGER BOB: (a long beat as he just stares at then in disbelief) Uh. . . the scene should take twenty minutes. That seemed a bit rushed.

DAVE: We wanted to get to the good part.

(blackout)

(The lights come up on Sister Oscar Meyer standing in front of a group of campers with kazoos in their mouths and kitchen utensils in their hands.)

SISTER MEYER: (without enthusiasm) Okay guys, the talent show’s in two hours. The kitchen detail at Camp Ohmygosha has never won this thing in forty-two years. I’m startin’ to get depressed. Last year we came close when we roasted marshmallows while dancin’ the Macarena. We called it “Dancing with the S'mores” but when we caught Ranger Bob’s shorts on fire we got disqualified.

CAMPER ONE: (holding his/her kazoo) How do you play this thing?

SISTER MEYER: You just put it in your mouth and toot.

CAMPER ONE: Toot?

CAMPER TWO: Like after eating Sister Oscar Meyer’s tacos?

SISTER MEYER: Anybody ever tell you you were funny? They were wrong. Okay, you Mozarts, let’s take it from the top! A-one! A-two!

(The groups begins to hum into their kazoos and bang on their pots and pans to the tune of “You are My Sunshine.” It’s quite awful.)

AUNT SALLY: (after a few moments of this, entering, still in her housecoat, holding her throbbing head) I’m dying! I’m dying! You’re killin’ me! Stop that! (they stop) Is somebody dying in here? (a camper behind her toots his/her kazoo) (grabbing the camper by the neck) I heard that. What do you think you’re doing?

SISTER MEYER: We’re rehearsing for the talent show.

AUNT SALLY: Geesh. Your music’s worse than your food, Sister.

(Sister Meyer points to a camper who toots right behind Aunt Sally.)

AUNT SALLY: Heathens! Heathen have taken over the camp!

RANGER BOB: (running in) Quick! Everybody out of the building!

AUNT SALLY: What?

RANGER BOB: Get out! Get out!

SISTER MEYER: What’s going on?

RANGER BOB: Didn’t you hear the tornado siren?

SISTER MEYER: No.

AUNT SALLY: Been swallowing your Listerine, Bob?

RANGER BOB: I just heard it! This loud, terrible noise!

AUNT SALLY: Did it sound something like . . .(and she cues the little band who immediately break into “You Are My Sunshine.” )

RANGER BOB: (after just a bit of this) Stop! Stop! Yes, that was it. That’s awful! What’s if for?

SISTER MEYER: The talent show.

RANGER BOB: Oh no. Oh no, no, no. . . tell me it’s not true.

SISTER MEYER: Would you like to hear “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”?

RANGER BOB: No! No! That’s . . . that’s enough. (with as much fake cheerfulness as he can muster) Hey campers! It’s movie time over at the auditorium! It’s “Harry Potter in the Holy Land!” Let’s go! (as they march off) One-two! One-two! (after the campers are gone) Sister, the finance committee is at camp today.

SISTER MEYER: I know. They ate all my Pop Tarts.

RANGER BOB: We can’t let them see this talent show. It’ll be the end of Camp Ohmygosha.

SISTER MEYER: They were last summer’s Pop Tarts.

RANGER BOB: Are you hearing me?

SISTER MEYER: The blueberries were actually moving around.

RANGER BOB: Oh no.

SISTER MEYER: They kept crawling out of the toaster.

AUNT SALLY: I love it. What a way to die.

RANGER BOB: (moving Aunt Sally off) Sally, go get more coffee. . . and find something decent to wear. . . .and just keep out of sight. . .

AUNT SALLY: I love it when you sweet-talk me. (and she is gone)

RANGER BOB: (running to move Sister Meyer off) And find something decent for lunch. We’ve got to make the camp look good.

SISTER MEYER: How?

RANGER BOB: Go throw yourself in front of a Schwan’s truck. (and she is gone) Oh, what am I going to do? (a group of girls enter . . .Patty, Julie, Carole, Linda, Joyce, Janet, Jerri & Lois) Girls! Where are you supposed to be?

PATTY: We’re practicing for the show Ranger Bob.

RANGER BOB: Wonderful! What are you doing?

LINDA: Sister Longfellow says we gotta do poetry.

RANGER BOB: Poetry! Wonderful! Finally, something tasteful! Are you any good?

JULIE: No.

RANGER BOB: Great. You’ll fit right in. (the kazoos strike up again offstage) Not again.

CAROLE: Is someone killing the ducks?

RANGER BOB: Not yet. Gimme a minute. (and he runs off)

LINDA: How come Ranger Bob is so weird?

JOYCE: I think his shorts are too tight.

PATTY: Come on, girls. We gotta get ready. I hate poetry. Sister Longfellow said it’ll really impress the judges.

JANET: It puts me to sleep. And she said we had to write it ourselves. (looking at a paper in her hand) This is awful.

JERRI: Read yours!

JANET: I’d rather die.

JERRI: Dying’s boring. Run your poem, Janet.

JANET: “Of all the things I’ve ever wanna Do is go to Ohmygosha. The birds that twitter in the breeze, The rocks, the streams, the lovely trees. To show they love no one but me They sent me here. Okay. Whoopee.”

CAROLE: That is so bad!

JANET: Thanks for the support. Read yours.

CAROLE: No way.

LOIS: Chicken!

CAROLE: It’s bad!

THE GIRLS: Good.

CAROLE: Promise not to laugh?

THE GIRLS: No.

CAROLE: Some friends. (taking out her poem) “Every girl and every boy needs a hero to enjoy. But the one who makes my heart to throb Is guy that we call Ranger Bob. . .”

(the girls burst into laughter)

Hey! I want to win the contest, okay? (again reading) “His manly legs, his hairy chest, Oh yes my Ranger is the best. At night I kneel and pray to God While thinking of dear Ranger Bob.”

(the girls nearly collapse onto the ground with laughter)

I should have been a Methodist.

JOYCE: You’re really gonna read that?

CAROLE: He’s one of the judges. I gotta play all the angles.

PATTY: Listen girls, this is gonna get us nowhere. Why don’t we shake things up a little?

JULIE: Do what?

PATTY: Something they don’t expect. You’ve seen these talent shows. They’re awful. Boring! Sister Longfellow wants poetry? Let’s kick it up a little!

JERRI: Kick it up?

PATTY: Joyce! Hit it! (Joyce begins doing sound effects to underscore a rap, then the other girls join in as they each get in “costume,” pulling out their shirttails, taking baseball caps from their back pockets and putting them on their heads along with doo-rags, sunglasses or whatever to give them the rap look.) (Patty takes center stage in front of the others and begins to rap. The rap assignments may be changed. )

Hey yo! Hey you! Let’s go to camp! The food’s too cold, the cot’s too damp The lake’s too green and the tree’s too dead! The bugs are crawlin’ all over my bed! The food, it stinks, my feet do, too. Ain’t took a bath since ’92. The counselors, they be mighty weird. I think I’m gonna like it here!

ALL: Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh! I say, “Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh!”

JANET: (as the others continue the rap sounds US of her) My mama didn’t love me, man, so she sent her precious kid to camp! She didn’t want to take the rap, and she hoped I never would come back! My daddy he felt just the same. . When I was gone he changed his name!

ALL: Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh! I say, “Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh!”

JOYCE: But I can put up with the noise . . . as long as I can meet some boys! Forget the holy attitudes! I came here to meet some dudes! I may be dumb, but ain’t fool! I like those Spandex in the pool! Don’t bother, Mom, to write a letter. The male I want, he wears a sweater!

ALL: Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh! I say, “Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh!”

JERRI: And when I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord will answer me. . . And bless my grandma’s and my aunts, but send me someone wearin’ pants! Don’t need angels, all that stuff. . Gimme someone really buff! My idea of paradise is a gorgeous hunk with deep blue eyes!

ALL: Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh! I say, “Oh! Yeah, Oh my gosh!”

RANGER BOB: (running in at the end of the rap) How’s it going girls?

JANET: (quickly grabbing her poem) “Of all the things I’ve ever wanna (and the lights fade out as she reads) Do is go to Ohmygosha. The birds that twitter in the breeze . . .

(blackout)

SPIKE: (running in with Dave, Gene, Chuck and Kenny) Come on , guys! Hurry up!

CHUCK: We’re missin’ rehearsal!

SPIKE: Ranger Bob’s goin’ spastic. He’ll never know. Did you hear what happened?

KENNY: What?

SPIKE: Oh man, this is perfect. It’s too good to be true.

DAVE: What happened?

SPIKE: I overhead Ranger Bob talkin’ to Aunt Sally. There’s a bunch of people here today to look at the camp. If they don’t give their okay, the camp has to close! No more summer’s a Camp Ohmygosha!

GENE: Sweet!

KENNY: Whatta you got against the camp, Spike?

SPIKE: Hey, my old man just sends me here all summer to get rid of me.

KENNY: What about your mom?

SPIKE: I never knew my old lady. Dad says she took off as soon as I was born.

CHUCK: What’d she do? Look at you?

SPIKE: You ever eat a fist?

KENNY: I’ll be your mama, Spike. Just crawl up here on Mommy’s knee.

SPIKE: You guys are jerks. But here’s the deal. . . .we gotta make sure this finance committee sees the very worst of Camp Ohmygosha.

GENE: We got it made. . .we just screw up the talent show, the food is already bad, and we sneak into the girls’ cabin without gettin’ caught.

DAVE: How we doin’ that?

SPIKE: I’ll tell you tonight. But we need one more thing. What’s the worst thing that could happen at a summer camp?

KENNY: A forest fire!

CHUCK: The Black Plague!

DAVE: You drop your hotdog in the fire.

SPIKE: Wrong! Even worse than that! A lost camper! We gotta have a lost camper! It’ll drive ‘em crazy! It’ll disrupt the whole camp while they try to find him.

KENNY: But nobody’s lost.

SPIKE: Not yet.

CHUCK: You mean we purposely lose somebody?

SPIKE: Yeah. . .but it can’t be somebody really sharp who knows what he’s doing. It’s gotta be somebody that people will say, “Well no wonder he got lost. He’s always goofy!” . . .somebody who doesn’t know where he is anyway.

KENNY: Cool! But who?

(And slowly Spike, Gene, Chuck and Kenny turn their gaze toward Dave.)

DAVE: (finally realizing they’re staring at him) What? I’m unzipped? (they stare) What’re you. . . .? Oh. . . OH! Oh no you don’t! This is crazy! There’s no way I’m gonna go out there in the woods and. .

SPIKE: (his arm around Dave) Dave, Dave, Dave my boy. You won’t really be lost. We’ll know where you are. Just hang around for a couple of hours until everybody’s in a panic. . . just long enough to show the committee that Ranger Bob can’t run a camp.

DAVE: Hey guys, if I die out there in those woods my mom is gonna kill me.

SPIKE: (the three others look at each other knowingly, then) I think we got the right guy. (grabbing Dave and beginning to exit) Come on!

DAVE: (DING! as the others freeze) “Dear Mom. . .I hope I got that spelled right. . M-O-M…I don’t know. It looks backwards. Dear Mom. . .I . . . no, wait. . . .Dear Mom. . .uh. . I guess that’s all I got to say. Your son. . . give me a minute…oh…Dave.”

(The boys grab him and they run off.)

RANGER BOB: (running in, meeting Rose entering from the other direction) Where are they?

ROSE: Aunt Sally took them out to eat.

RANGER BOB: Good. Wait a minute! Aunt Sally? They’re with Aunt Sally?

ROSE: I couldn’t stop them. They should be back any minute.

SISTER OSCAR MEYER: (entering) Hey Ranger Bob, the freezer just shot craps. I think the wieners melted.

PATTY: (running in) Ranger Bob, the girls are fighting down at the lake.

AMAZON: (entering, holding a boy by the neck) Ranger Bob, I caught this kid walking by the girls’ cabin. I want permission to shoot him.

RANGER BOB: Stop! Just everybody stop! (they do) (DING! as the others freeze) “Dear Mommy. . .no…Dear Dad….. no….To the Pope!... aw forget it!” (they unfreeze) What else could possibly. . .

AUNT SALLY: (entering) Hey Bob old boy, the committee wants to have a look at your record books.

RANGER BOB: If one more thing. . . .

SPIKE: (running in) Bob! Ranger Bob! (putting on a pretty good act of dying from being out of breath)

RANGER BOB: What, Spike? What’s the matter?

SPIKE: It’s Dave! He’s lost!

RANGER BOB: Dave? He’s lost?

SPIKE: He went out into the woods after lunch. . .all depressed and stuff about the talent show. . .he said “Goodbye, my friends! Tell Caesar I loved him!” . . then he disappeared into the trees! We haven’t seen him since!

RANGER BOB: This is terrible! I’ve never lost a camper! Never in my entire career! And I shall never lose a camper! Emergency! (blows his whistle) This is an emergency! All hands on deck! We’ve got to find Dave! (and pandemonium reigns as all those onstage go off running in all directions, actors fill the audience from all directions. . all adlib shouting, “Dave! Dave!” “Where’s Dave!” “Dave, where are you!” etc.. . little pre-recorded ‘hustle music’ under this would be nice.)

(after several moments of this, Ranger Bob runs onto the stage, grabbing hold of Kenny who’s entered from the opposite direction. . .all others onstage or in the audience freeze at the sound of Ranger Bob’s voice)

RANGER BOB: You seen him?

KENNY: He was down by Lake Purgatory!

RANGER BOB: But the lake is closed!

KENNY: That’s okay. Dave can’t swim.

RANGER BOB: Oh no! (and again the melee breaks loose with campers and adults running all over the stage and audience area)

ROSE: (all stopping at the sound of her voice as she runs in from one direction and grabs Chuck who’s entered from the other) Chuckie! Where is he?

CHUCK: I saw him climbing the cliffs over by Dead Man’s Leap!

ROSE: Oh, this is terrible!

CHUCK: I know! And he had this crazy look in his eye! Like a wild animal or something!

ROSE: Describe it!

AMAZON: (entering) Where is that lousy kid?!!!

CHUCK: (pointing to Miss Steve) Like her!

(and again the commotion with people running everywhere…then after some moments of this we hear. . )

PATTY: (DING! . . . all freeze) “Mom! Gotta write fast! A kid named Dave got lost. I heard a bear or something ate him!”

LINDA (DING! . . .appearing in another spot onstage) “Dearest parents, if you read about any killings or murders at Camp Ohmygosha, I didn’t do it.”

JERRI: (DING. . in another spot) “Dear Dad, forget about coming to get me like I asked. This camp is finally fun!” (and all three girls run off the stage as Skip runs on with Gene, Chuck and Kenny. Skip is carrying a large bag.)

CHUCK: What’re we doin’, Skip?

SKIP: We struck gold, guys!

GENE: What’re you talkin’ about?

SKIP: This is perfect, man! Perfect!

CHUCK: I’m lost.

SKIP: My plan to sneak into the girls’ cabin tonight! I had this plan, but now it’s even better! (pulling clothing out of the bag and handing it to the other two boys) Here.

KENNY: What’s this?

SKIP: Your nightgowns.

CHUCK: My what!!?

SKIP: Girls’ nightgowns! I stole ‘em from the Bathsheba cabin. That’s how we’re gonna sneak into the Delilah cabin.

KENNY: You’re crazy!

SKIP: It’s the perfect plan! We were gonna sneak in while the girls were sleepin’, but now everybody’s out lookin’ for Dave and we can be there when they get back! They’ll be so tired they won’t even notice! Quick! Put ‘em on! Put ‘em on!

CHUCK: (as he begins to put on his nightgown) This is nuts!

KENNY: (as he puts his on) I really hate you, Skip.

SKIP: (putting his on) Yeah, you told me that.

CHUCK: What if Amazon catches us?

SKIP: Then we’ll bury you in your nightie, sweetheart. She won’t find us! She’ll be out all night lookin’ for Dave.

KENNY: Oh shoot. I forgot about Dave.

SKIP: He can get his own nightgown.

GENE: I cannot believe I’m doing this!

SKIP: Think of it! The first guys in the history of Camp Ohmygosha to sneak into Delilah cabin! Right under the nose of the Amazon! We’re makin’ history!

RANGER BOB: (voice offstage) Maybe he’s over here!

KENNY: Oh no!

SKIP: (they’re all now wearing their night gowns) Turn around! Turn around, quick! (they do and pull their collars up around their heads)

RANGER BOB: (Ranger Bob, entering at a run, running past the three, then stopping) What’re you girls doing? (with their backs to Ranger Bob, they shrug) Oh. . . going to bed, I guess. (they nod) Look, have you seen Dave? (a beat, then all four of them point in different directions) Uh. .. .okay. Goodnight!

THE BOYS: Good night!

RANGER BOB: (stopping at the sound of the boys’ voice) What was that?

THE BOYS: (a beat, then in a high falsetto) Good night!

RANGER BOB: I see. (he exits quickly)

CHUCK: (as the boys turn around) Oh man, this isn’t gonna work.

SKIP: I tell you, we got it made! Come on! (as he begins to exit) Let’s just. . .

AMAZON: (voice offstage) Where is that idiot!!?

GENE: That’s it. We’re dead.

AMAZON: (entering in a huff from stage right as the boys turn stage left) I’ll find that kid if. . . (sees the three in nightgowns) Girls? Are you my girls?

THE THREE: (again in the falsetto) Yes, Miss Steve.

AMAZON: So while the whole camp is going ape you three are following the rules and going to bed at the proper time!

THE BOYS: Yes, Miss Steve!

AMAZON: What good girls! (as she hugs one of the boys from the rear and can’t see the boys’ faces) I’m so proud of you!

THE BOYS: Thank you, Miss Steve!

AMAZON: Hurry along now! Hustle over to Delilah cabin and the other girls and I will be along shortly.

THE BOYS: Good night, Miss Steve! (and they exit)

AMAZON: Nighty-night! (watching them go) Makes me proud. I sure know how to train ‘em! (and she exits)

(the stage is quiet as a lone figure comes crawling in. . . he looks this way and that, finally crawling to downstage)

DAVE: Dear Mommy. Help!

(Blackout)

• • • End of Act I - - -

(The music to Kum-bah-yah comes up under.)