Act I
The interior of an over-the-road tour bus with two rows of seats and one driver’s seat. The rear row of four is slightly elevated. It’s 10 a.m. as the bus is parked in a Hardees’ parking lot.
Richard & Carol Verna & Ellie Ginger, Loretta Floyd, Esther Happy Hank Scene One
LORETTA: (entering with clipboard) Good morning, happy travelers! Welcome to First National’s Silver Swarm trip to Branson, Missouri! Just put your luggage right there by the bus and Happy Hank will handle them! Please don’t bring your walkers on the bus. . . Happy Hank will take care of everything. Keep hold of your carryon’s, purses, artificial limbs. . .anything you’ll need for the bus. Now if you’d please line up in alphabetical order! . . . If you’ve forgotten it, your name is right there on your nametag. Okay folks! Here we go for the adventure of a lifetime! (she runs off)
FLOYD: (entering, a hard-of-hearing gentlemen, with his wife, Esther at his side) Lifetime? Yeah, it’ll be a damned short one at this rate. You got our bags, Esther?
ESTHER: She said to put them beside the bus.
FLOYD: I can’t hear a thing.
ESTHER: You need new batteries.
FLOYD: (smiling) It’s gonna be that kind of weekend?
ESTHER: For your ears, Floyd. Come on, let’s sit up front.
FLOYD: Let’s sit up front.
ESTHER: That’s what I said.
FLOYD: When’s the first pee break?
ESTHER: We haven’t even left the parking lot, Floyd.
FLOYD: I got time to go?
ESTHER: But don’t just go around behind the bus. Go inside. . .and put some pressure behind it this time. We’re getting ready to leave. (he exits and she takes a seat in front)
GINGER: (entering. . . a flashily-clad older lady, bedecked in expensive jewelry and damned proud of it. She carries a knitting bag and spends most of her time working her wool.) That’s my seat.
ESTHER: What?
GINGER: My seat. I always sit up front.
ESTHER: There’s seat on that side of the aisle.
GINGER: Not behind the driver. I can’t see behind the driver. Sorry to bother you, but you’re sitting in my seat.
ESTHER: (moving over to the seat behind the driver) If it makes you happy.
GINGER: I’m never happy. (takes her seat) Hope you don’t mind.
ESTHER: No. . no, I enjoy switching seats.
GINGER: You’re alone?
ESTHER: Close to it. I’m married to Floyd. He’s peeing.
GINGER: That’s his occupation or just a pastime?
ESTHER: His lifelong dream.
GINGER: Oh. . . . . . I’m a widow.
ESTHER: Sorry.
GINGER: That’s okay. I got his money.
LORETTA: (rushing in, looking down the bus aisle) Okay. . yes. . .still room. (shouting off) Right this way, folks! Plenty of seats! Don’t worry, we rotate at every pit stop. (she exits)
ESTHER: Rotate?
GINGER: I do not rotate.
ESTHER: You don’t?
GINGER: I stopped rotating years ago. Now I just sit.
RICHARD: (entering with wife Carol. . .Richard is a bit of a blow-hard who thinks he’s the life of any party. Carol is tolerant and often wishes to hide.) (singing) “Off we go. . . into the wild, blue yonder!”
GINGER: Oh, dear God.
RICHARD: (to the ladies on the bus) Hey girls! Anybody wanna get lucky?
CAROL: Richard!
ESTHER: I don’t even gamble.
RICHARD: (singing as he moves to his seat) “Left a good job in the city. . workin’ for the man every night and day. . “
CAROL: (to the two ladies) I apologize.
GINGER: You have my sympathy. (Carol moves to sit beside Richard.)
LORETTA: (entering in a flurry) Okay! Okay! Looks like one, two, three seats left.
ESTHER: This one’s taken. My husband.
LORETTA: He’s coming?
ESTHER: No, he’s going. He had to make a pit stop.
GINGER: How can you stop when we haven’t even started?
ESTHER: Sometimes he can’t stop at all. He’ll be quick.
GINGER: At our age they’re never quick.
LORETTA: Excuse me?
ESTHER: He’ll be right back. He just went into Hardees for a minute.
LORETTA: Here they are! (Verna and Ellie enter. Verna’s a well-kept grandmotherly type and young Ellie who wishes she was somewhere else.) You must be the Miller’s.
VERNA: This is my granddaughter. We’re Verna and Ellie.
LORETTA: A grandma and granddaughter! Wonderful!
ELLIE: Yeah.
LORETTA: (reading from her list) Verna and Ellie. Which is which?
ELLIE: Do I look like a Verna?
VERNA: This is Ellie.
GINGER: Adorable.
ELLIE: Who are you?
GINGER: I’m Ginger. But I’m deaf. No use to speak to me.
ELLIE: Oh. (she and Verna take their seats)
LORETTA: Happy Hank’s putting on the last of the luggage. . . looks like we’re ready to go.
ESTHER: Floyd’s coming. We’ve got to wait for Floyd.
ELLIE: Are we there yet?
GINGER: We haven’t moved.
FLOYD: (hurrying on, still zipping) I’m comin’, I’m comin’.
GINGER: Good for another three miles. This is going to be a long trip.
LORETTA: Well, welcome aboard. How many of you are taking their first trip with First National’s Silver Swarm retirement club? (all hands go up but Ginger) Wonderful! I love newcomers! Happy Hank’s almost got our luggage on board so let me remind you of our upcoming trips! Next spring we’re visiting The Amana Colonies. . .
GINGER: . . . cheese and bibles . . .
LORETTA: . . .then we’re taking a two-day trip to the Amish colonies. . .
GINGER: . . .horses and bibles. . .
LORETTA: . . . and next summer’s gala trip to Northern Kentucky to see the genuine replica of Noah’s Ark!
GINGER: . . . boats and bibles.
(Happy Hank enters. Hank is the victim of too many miles on the road, too many senior citizens, and way too many meals at Burger King pit stops. He’s a sweaty mess, huffing and puffing himself into the driver’s seat.)
LORETTA: And here’s our man of the day! Let’s hear it for our bus driver, Happy Hank! (a smattering of applause and a tired wave from Hank) Hank and I have logged a lot of hours together.
FLOYD: Is she talking dirty?
ESTHER: Shhh.
LORETTA: You know, the Silver Swarm always begins these bus trips by getting to know each other.
GINGER: (groans)
LORETTA: After all, it’s seven hours to Branson.
FLOYD: Oh no. . .
LORETTA: With plenty of stops.
FLOYD: Thank you, Jesus.
LORETTA: Now, as I go around the bus if you’d all just give your name and maybe a little bit about . . .
CAROL: Can we pray?
LORETTA: Excuse me?
CAROL: Can we pray?
GINGER: Oh dear God.
ESTHER: That’s a good start.
LORETTA: I mean. . . we don’t usually. . . .but I suppose if no one minds. . .
GINGER: It’s going to be one of those trips.
CAROL: Richard and I always pray before we do something big.
LORETTA: Something big?
GINGER: Right in front of us?
CAROL: Like kidney stones. Richard had a kidney stone operation in March and we prayed and they came out.
RICHARD: This too shall pass! (laughs) (singing) “Rollin’ on the river!”
LORETTA: Well, I suppose unless anyone has any objections . . .
GINGER: Aloud? Are you going to pray aloud?
CAROL: Well . . . usually.
GINGER: I’m Episcopalian. We don’t do anything aloud.
ELLIE: What are we, Grandma?
VERNA: O-positive.
LORETTA: Look, we don’t want to start off this wonderful trip on an unhappy note.
GINGER: Too late.
LORETTA: Carol, if you’d like to say a little something . . . sort of softly. . . then I’m sure no one would mind.
FLOYD: What are they talking about?
ESTHER: God and kidney stones.
FLOYD: (consulting his brochure) We were supposed to be seeing Mel Tillis.
ESTHER: (shouting) They’re going to pray, Floyd!
FLOYD: Is Mel sick?
ESTHER: Just read your paper.
FLOYD: When’s the next stop?
ESTHER: Purgatory. Just read.
CAROL: (standing) Okay, if you’d all just bow your heads a moment.
GINGER: (to the bus driver) Not you, Hank.
ELLIE: What are they doing, Grandma?
VERNA: Praying.
ELLIE: Are we gonna crash?
LORETTA: Look, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. Carol, perhaps if you’d just silently pray for all of us . . .
CAROL: Well, I suppose. If you’d all just be silent a moment.
FLOYD: Are they done yet?
ESTHER: Be quiet, Floyd.
FLOYD: (a quiet beat as they bow their heads, then) I gotta pee again. .
CAROL: Amen.
ESTHER: Floyd!
LORETTA: I know you all have your itineraries, but just to remind you. (reading from her pamphlet) We’ll be arriving at the Seven Seasons Hotel around five then we’ll go right to dinner at the I-Hop next door then to the Sons of Britches music show.
ELLIE: Sons of Britches?
FLOYD: What’d she say?
ESTHER: Shhh.
LORETTA: Then tomorrow we’re off to see the Tribute to the Carpenters “Where you can say hello to Karen once more” . . .
GINGER: And why in God’s name would I want to do that?
FLOYD: Is she praying again?
ESTHER: Quiet, Floyd.
LORETTA: Then on the following days we’ll be seeing the “Elvis Remembered,” “Conway Twitty Remembered,” and “The Beatles Remembered.”
ELLIE: Is everybody in Branson dead?
VERNA: They’re just resting, sweetheart. It’ll be okay.
LORETTA: Okay, now let’s get to know each other a little. If you’d all just give your name and maybe a little bit about yourself. It’s always more fun to know the people you’re traveling with. Ginger, you’ve been on more Silver Swarm trips than any of us and you know the routine. Would you like to start?
GINGER: Let’s get it over. (stands) My name’s Ginger. I’m a widow and I don’t need any sympathy. (sits)
LORETTA: (a forced laugh) Ginger’s a card.
GINGER: Yeah. I’m a scream.
LORETTA: (to Floyd and Esther) How about you folks?
FLOYD: What does she want?
ESTHER: We’re supposed to introduce ourselves.
FLOYD: We already know each other.
ESTHER: : (pulling him up) Stand up. We’re Esther and Floyd Robinson. Floyd’s a retired audio engineer.
FLOYD: I’m retired.
ESTHER: : I just said that.
FLOYD: I worked with sound.
ESTHER: I said that.
FLOYD: Got a weak prostate.
ESTHER: That’s enough, Floyd.
FLOYD: A leaky valve.
RICHARD: (singing) “Rollin’ on the river!”
ESTHER: : Okay, Floyd. (sits and drags him down with her)
LORETTA: Well! There’s nothing like getting to know each other!
FLOYD: What’d she say?
ESTHER: : She said that was wonderful.
FLOYD: My prostate?
LORETTA: And how about the Maloney’s?
RICHARD: (standing, along with Carol) My name’s Richard Maloney. I’m not really old enough to be taking these senior citizen trips, but my wife is.
CAROL: Richard!
RICHARD: I like to joke. Want to hear one?
CAROL: Richard, please.
RICHARD: Carol’s religious so I keep ‘em clean. Okay, so this old lady had a heart attack. . .
GINGER: Oh dear God. .
RICHARD: So she’s on this bus trip and has a heart attack and on the operating table she has a near death experience and she sees God. She says, “God, is my time up?” God says, “No, you’ve got another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” So she recovers and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She walks out of the hospital and gets hit by a truck and dies. She goes up to God and said, “What happened? I thought you said I had over 40 years left.” God says, “Sorry. I didn’t even recognize you.”
LORETTA: Thank you, Richard.
ELLIE: I don’t get it.
FLOYD: What’d she say?
ESTHER: She got hit by a truck.
FLOYD: Does that mean we’re gonna stop? I could use a stop.
LORETTA: And I guess that leaves just you, Mrs. Miller. And I think you have a young guest with you?
VERNA: (pulling Ellie to her feet with her) My name is Verna Miller. I’m retired. I worked for the government and this is my granddaughter Ellie.
LORETTA: Isn’t that wonderful? A grandmother and her granddaughter! Let’s hear it for the Millers! (a smattering of applause) We’re happy to have you along, Ellie.
ELLIE: She gets lost.
LORETTA: What?
ELLIE: Grandma gets lost. That’s why they sent me with her.
LORETTA: Oh.
VERNA: Oh that’s not true. Ellie’s quite a joker.
ELLIE: How much longer ‘til we get there?
LORETTA: Oh, it’ll be at least another six hours.
ELLIE: Great. Sit down, Grandma. (they do)
RICHARD: Hey, you folks heard the one about the old man who. . ..
GINGER: Yes! . . . We’ve heard it!
LORETTA: And of course you all know me. This is will my twenty-second trip to Branson! I never get tired of the place!
GINGER: I do.
ESTHER: Then why do you keep going?
GINGER: I hate cats.
ESTHER: Huh?
GINGER: When you get my age you either get a pet cat or you go to Branson. I hate cats.
LORETTA: And you’ve all met Happy Hank, our bus driver. (Hank flicks a tired wave.) Anything you’d like to tell the folks about yourself, Hank? (Hank nods “no”) Hank’s not much of a talker, but that’s not why we need him, right? (no response from anyone) He’s a retired Baptist minister from Hot Springs, Arkansas, and he’s been driving for First National since. . . how long’s it been, Hank? (Hank shrugs) Well, for so long we’ve both forgotten. So, let’s all just sit back and . . . (the entire busload jerks. . .then jerks again. . . then again with appropriate being-jerked-around sounds) Uh. . .I think we may have a problem.
FLOYD: The bus stopped.
ESTHER: We know that, Floyd.
FLOYD: Can I get out?
CAROL: There’s no town. I can’t see a town.
LORETTA: The . . . uh . . . the bus isn’t supposed to stop here. Hank. (Hank begins pushing buttons, pulling levers) Is there something wrong with the bus?
ELLIE: What’s going on, Grandma?
VERNA: Don’t worry. Probably nothing.
ELLIE: Are we gonna die?
VERNA: Ellie!
ELLIE: Die on a bus full of old people? I don’t want to die on a bus full of old people. (pokes her phone) And there’s no phone reception. That means I’m dead already.
LORETTA: Please! Please! Everything’s going to be okay. . . (to Hank) . . .Isn’t it? (Hank shrugs, gets up & leaves the bus)
CAROL: (standing) He’s deserting us! I should have prayed aloud! Oh God forgive me! I should have prayed aloud.
RICHARD: (standing) Easy! Easy, folks! Look, did you hear about the senior citizens bus that was headed over this cliff and . . .
CAROL: Richard! (pulling him back into his seat) God can hear you!
RICHARD: I wonder if God’s got a crescent wrench. (Carol sits.)
FLOYD: Can I get out now?
LORETTA: Let’s just keep our seats until Hank finds the problem.
FLOYD: Hank can’t fix my problem.
RICHARD: (to Floyd) Need a crescent wrench? (laughs)
GINGER: The soccer teams.
LORETTA: What soccer teams?
GINGER: It’s the soccer teams that caused this.
FLOYD: What’d she say?
ESTHER: Soccer.
FLOYD: I can’t even reach her.
ESTHER: Oh, forget it, Floyd!
GINGER: The soccer teams always get the new busses. The old busses they fill with Ben Gay and Ex Lax and send ‘em to Branson.
RICHARD: (getting up and moving forward) I’ve worked on motors my whole life. I’ll get this buggy going.
CAROL: Richard, be careful out there!
RICHARD: Of what? We’re in the middle of nowhere. Be back in a minute. (and he’s gone)
FLOYD: I’m getting off, too.
ESTHER: For what?
GINGER: Three guesses.
FLOYD: What’d she say?
ESTHER: Just go.
FLOYD: (as he exits) I just did.
LORETTA: Well, it looks like it’s just us gals! Anyone know any good stories?
GINGER: Call for another bus.
LORETTA: What?
GINGER: Might as well call for another bus. This is old number 79. It always breaks down and we’ve always got to call for another bus and we miss our supper and the hotel will be short three rooms. . . the hot water heater won’t be working on the third floor of the hotel and the cafeteria will be closed by the time we get there. The second floor will be filled with teenagers running naked on their senior trip and the coffee machine in my room will be busted.
CAROL: Why do you go on these trips?
GINGER: (deadpan) Because they’re so much fun.
RICHARD: (entering) Carol, hand me that air filter in my carry-on.
VERNA: (to Carol and Carol digs through Richard’s bag) Your husband carries air filters?
CAROL: Which one?
RICHARD: The Fram CA184 Extra Guard Round Plastisol.
CAROL: Any particular color?
GINGER: I can’t believe this.
RICHARD: Any of ‘em. (she hands it to him. . . as he leaves) Be back in jiff.
ELLIE: (pointing out the window) Grandma, what’s that man doing?
VERNA: (looks out the window, the covers Ellie’s eyes) Ellie! Esther…your husband!
ESTHER: (looks out the window) Floyd!
GINGER: (looks out the window) He’s peeing on the tire.
ESTHER: Floyd! (rising and moving to exit) Floyd! Floyd, move away from the bus! (and she is gone)
ELLIE: (uncovering her eyes) This is a fun trip!
ESTHER: (offstage) Floyd, stop that!
GINGER: Great trip so far, Loretta. Whatta ya got planned for tomorrow? Ebola in our tea bags?
LORETTA: Look, we need to just all stay on the bus.
GINGER: No danger of me crawling out there with that crowd.
ELLIE: Now he’s doing it on a tree. . . and his wife just tackled him. This isn’t pretty, Grandma.
LORETTA: Sing!
GINGER: What?
LORETTA: Let’s all sing! Who knows a song?
ELLIE: His pants fell off.
GINGER: I don’t know that one. How about “I See a Bad Moon Risin’”?
LORETTA: Ginger, please!
VERNA: What are they doing, Ellie?
ELLIE: Richard’s got his head stuck under the hood, Floyd and Esther are shouting at each other and I can’t see Hank.
LORETTA: Hank? I hope he’s okay. Hank? (shouting out the bus door) Hank, where are you going? (exiting) Hank!
GINGER: Just what we need. A loose Baptist.
ELLIE: Will this happen to me?
VERNA: What, dear?
ELLIE: Will I get loony when I get old?
GINGER: Yes, but you’ll never know it. I don’t.
RICHARD: (entering, a bit disheveled and oily-faced) I found the problem.
CAROL: Good thing you had the air filter.
RICHARD: Naw. It was fine. Somebody’d pulled a spark plug loose. . .easy-peasy.
ESTHER: (entering) Did you get it running again?
FLOYD: (entering) No. Got it stopped, thank God.
ESTHER: Not you . . . the engine, Floyd.
FLOYD: Engine’s fine. What’s the big deal?
ELLIE: That settles it. We are gonna die.
CAROL: Can I pray out loud this time?
LORETTA: (entering) Well, it looks like the motor’s fine.
FLOYD: Then let’s get this crate rolling.
LORETTA: Uh. . . one problem.
GINGER: The luggage. You’ve lost my luggage again. You’re always losing my luggage.
LORETTA: Your luggage is fine. It’s . . .it’s something else.
VERNA: What?
LORETTA: Hank. He’s gone. (all eyes open wide as the lights go out)
(blackout)
Scene Two: a couple hours later. All are present but Hank, Richard and Floyd. Loretta looks the worse for wear as she shuffles through itineraries and maps while the others doze. We watch this for a few moments then Richard comes busting through the bus door.
RICHARD: (entering, singing) “Hail! Hail! The gang’s all here! What the heck do we care? What the heck to we care? Hail! Hail. . .”
CAROL: Richard!
RICHARD: Lucy! I’m home!
GINGER: Where is it? I can’t find it!
RICHARD: Find what?
GINGER: My gun!
FLOYD: (entering) Don’t shoot, lady! I’m just the mechanic!
LORETTA: Did you find him?
RICHARD: No.
GINGER: We’ll never make it in time for dinner tonight.
LORETTA: I’ve called ahead, Ginger. They’re holding dinner for us.
GINGER: The baked chickens will be on walkers by the time we get there.
LORETTA: But you didn’t see Hank?
FLOYD: Gettin’ dark. Didn’t see anything. Anybody got some Fritos? Lifesavers? Anything?
VERNA: Oh, it’s getting so dark.
ELLIE: That happens every night, Grandma.
CAROL: We should have prayed aloud. I know we should have prayed aloud. This is my fault.
LORETTA: No one’s to blame, Carol. Hank’s probably out there somewhere trying to get help.
GINGER: Ralph did this.
ESTHER: Who’s Ralph?
GINGER: My third husband. Just walked off in the middle of the night.
ESTHER: Oh my. How far did he go?
GINGER: 210 yards.
ESTHER: Oh. That’s not so far.
GINGER: Far enough. The cruise ship was only 200 yards long.
ESTHER: Oh my!
FLOYD: What happened?
ESTHER: He walked off the boat.
FLOYD: Hank?
ESTHER: Ralph.
FLOYD: Who’s Ralph?
GINGER: My dead husband.
LORETTA: What say we change the subject? Hank’s going to show up any minute now and we’ll be on our way to Branson. How about. . .uh. . Look, since we’re traveling, how about a really interesting vacation somebody took? Who can tell us about a really memorable getaway? . . . . Come on! Who wants to go first?
ELLIE: (standing) I got diarrhea at Disneyworld.
VERNA: (pulling her back into her seat) Ellie!
ELLIE: Well, I did.
VERNA: (smiling, to the others) It was the flu.
ELLIE: It was the tacos in the Magic Kingdom.
LORETTA: Uh. . . maybe someone else has a story! Something memorable?
RICHARD: Any of you ever gone skinny-dippin’ in the Bahamas?
CAROL: Richard!
RICHARD: Just standin’ out there in the surf danglin’ in the wind! (singing) “We come on the Sloop John B. . . my grandfather and me. . .”
CAROL: Richard, stop!
ELLIE: Cool!
VERNA: Ellie!
GINGER: Praying nudists. I love it.
FLOYD: (to Esther) Who’s nude?
ESTHER: Carol.
CAROL: I am not!
FLOYD: I’m always missin’ the good stuff. Wake me up next time.
CAROL: Richard! Sit down!
LORETTA: What do you say we all just sort of calm down? Uh. . .Floyd and Carol. Any exciting travel experiences you’d like to tell us about?
FLOYD: Niagara Falls.
LORETTA: Now there’s a throwback to old times! I haven’t been there in years.
CAROL: We won’t be going back.
LORETTA: Really?
CAROL: That much running water and Floyd. . . bad combination.
FLOYD: I like to go with the flow.
GINGER: So what about Hank?
LORETTA: That’s beginning to worry me.
GINGER: He can’t be far. The man moves like slug.
RICHARD: (standing) Who’s for a search party?
FLOYD: What’d he say?
CAROL: Another chance to get off the bus.
FLOYD: (standing) I’m in!
GINGER: I’m not moving.
LORETTA: Look, I’m not sure it’s safe. . .
RICHARD: Are you kidding? Missouri goes to sleep at eight o’clock. Come on, Floyd.
ELLIE: I wanna go!
VERNA: Ellie!
ELLIE: Sounds like fun, Grandma! I’m bored.
RICHARD: She’ll be okay. We’ll just have a little look around. Let her get some fresh air, Granny.
VERNA: You promise you’ll look after her?
RICHARD: Did I ever tell the joke about the little girl who got lost in the woods and. .
ESTHER: Richard! Just go!
RICHARD: Come on, Sweetheart. (and the three of them begin to exit the bus)
LORETTA: Now be careful!
RICHARD: I’m armed.
LORETTA: You have a gun?
RICHARD: (pulling one out) Snickers. (handing the candy bar to Ellie) Here. Lock and load, kiddo. (and they are gone) (singing as he leaves) “Hey there Little Red Riding Hood. . You sure are looking good. . You’re everything a big, bad wolf could want. . “ (and they are gone)
(a long beat as the ladies sit and say nothing, not quite able to take in what just happened)
GINGER: (after this long beat) You know, I’ve pre-paid my funeral.
ESTHER: What?
GINGER: Just thought I’d mention it. Don’t know why that came to mind.
VERNA: They’ll be all right, won’t they? Tell me they’ll be all right.
LORETTA: They’ll be all right.
VERNA: I don’t believe you.
CAROL: That’s two of us.
GINGER: No “How Great Thou Art.”
VERNA: Huh?
GINGER: And no damned “Amazing Grace” on the bagpipes. Gives me the willies.
LORETTA: Ginger, please.
CAROL: We buried Aunt Helen upside down.
ESTHER: You did what?
CAROL: That’s what she wanted. Upside down in the casket.
LORETTA: Ladies. . .
VERNA: You mean her nose. . .
CAROL: Was pointed down. I never heard so much laughter at a visitation viewing.
LORETTA: Ladies, could we talk about something else?
GINGER: Sure.
LORETTA: Great.
GINGER: But it wouldn’t be as much fun.
CAROL: So what do you want played at your funeral, Ginger?
GINGER: I’ve always liked the Bee Gees. . (singing) “Stayin’ Alive.” Or Queen (singing) “Another one bites the dust! Oh! Another one bites the dust! Oh!”
LORETTA: Ginger, please!
VERNA: I remember the day we lost Harold.
CAROL: Your. . .
VERNA: My husband. He’s been gone 12 years now.
CAROL: I’m sorry.
VERNA: Me too. No warning, nothing.
CAROL: Was he ill?
VERNA: Never sick a day in his life.
CAROL: That’s amazing. And you didn’t see it coming?
VERNA: No. How could I? It happened just that quick.
CAROL: So. . . you know. . . what did he die of?
VERNA: Die?
CAROL: Your husband.
VERNA: He didn’t die. He ran off with our neighbor.
CAROL: Oh. . . Oh! Oh, I’m sorry, Verna.
VERNA: Win some, lose some.
GINGER: Did you get his money?
VERNA: I didn’t even get his phone number.
GINGER: Bummer.
ESTHER: (to Loretta) I think you should call the police.
VERNA: Why? I don’t want him back.
ESTHER: I mean about us! This is serious, Loretta. It’s dark and we’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere without a bus driver and God only knows what’s happened to Richard and Floyd.
VERNA: And Ellie.
LORETTA: (checking her phone) No reception.
ESTHER: We’re out of range?
LORETTA: We’re out of everything. We’re in Missouri.
CAROL: Did you hear that?
VERNA: Hear what?
CAROL: That noise. . . it sounded like a scream.
VERNA: Ellie!
CAROL: Or maybe a man laughing. . .that’s gotta be Richard. Or maybe it was like a rush of water.
ESTHER: Then it’s gotta be Floyd.
LORETTA: You know, I think we’re all just hearing things.
ESTHER: Like a sleep over. You always hear things at a sleepover. Flying saucers. Abominable Snowmen, mass murderers.
GINGER: If you think you’re helping things then you need to see a doctor.
(a howl is heard offstage.. . the group stiffens)
ESTHER: Oh my gosh!
VERNA: Ellie!
GINGER: It’s a wolf!
ESTHER: It’s a bear!
CAROL: It’s Richard.
LORETTA: What?
CAROL: It’s Richard. I’d know that howl anywhere. Is there a full moon?
LORETTA: (looking out the window, then) Yes!
CAROL: That’s Richard. His whole family does it.
GINGER: That is too weird, girl.
CAROL: Some families open their gifts of Christmas Eve, some put salt on their watermelon and Richard’s family howls when the moon is full. I just married him, I don’t explain him. It’s always the same. . one long. . .
(another howl)
CAROL: Two shorts.
(two short howls)
CAROL: Then a yip.
(a yip is heard offstage)
VERNA: I can’t believe this.
LORETTA: What’s it mean?
CAROL: It depends. Either the Packers scored a touchdown or he’s stepped in something.
GINGER: Just my luck. I turned down a Bon Jovi concert this weekend because I thought it would be full of weirdos and now I’ve got this.
ELLIE: (running onto the bus) Grandma!
VERNA: Ellie! You’re alive!
GINGER: You start howling, I’m outta here.
ELLIE: Grandma, it was so cool!
VERNA: Cool? What was cool!
ELLIE: We were like goin’ through the woods lookin’ for Happy Hank and I was like, “Boy, this is really scary!” And then I was like, “I hope we don’t die!”
CAROL: What about Richard!?
ELLIE: He was like “You wanna hear a joke?” and I was like, “Heck no, I just wanna get out of here” and he was like about to answer me when we heard this big crash and something was coming through the woods and I thought I was gonna die!
CAROL: What? What crashing?
ESTHER: What happened to my husband?
ELLIE: So Richard was like, “What the heck was that?” And I was like “I don’t know!” And like the crashing got louder and louder. . .and I thought I was gonna die!
CAROL: What about Richard?
ESTHER: Where was Floyd?
ELLIE: That was the crashing. Floyd was tinkling behind a tree and got his zipper caught on a branch and he fell into the creek, and I was like, “Whoa! That was really cool, Floyd!”
CAROL: But where are they?
ELLIE: That’s when it got really scary because Richard thought he heard Hank’s voice across the creek so Richard was like, “Somebody’s gotta jump across the creek,” and Floyd was like, “I can’t jump that far!” so Richard was like, “I can’t either but we could throw Ellie across the creek. . .”
VERNA: Ellie!
ELLIE: And I was like, “That sounds really cool! . . I mean if I don’t die or something,” so Richard picked me up by my arms and Floyd grabbed my feet and Richard was like, “Hang on, girl!” and Floyd was like, “I hope I can do this ‘cause I got a bad knee!” and Richard was like, “Let’s toss her on three!” but then he said, “Floyd, watch out for your knee,” but Floyd thought he said “Three!” and he tossed my feet but Richard didn’t toss my head so like my feet tried to go across the creek but my head was like stuck on this side and I like thought I was gonna die but Richard kept hold of me so I just splatted on the ground a little. Did you bring extra jeans, Grandma?
CAROL: But what about Richard and Floyd???
ELLIE: They’re still out there.
ESTHER: What happened?
CAROL: Are they lost?
ESTHER: Are they hurt?
ELLIE: They’re behind the bus playin’ cards. Said they’d be in after a while.
CAROL: Richard!!!!
ESTHER: Floyd, get in here!!!!
VERNA: (looking out the window) Now they’ve got the luggage doors open.
LORETTA: They’re what?
VERNA: They’ve got their luggage out and . . .oh. . . oh my goodness. Oh my dear Lord.
RICHARD: (entering wearing his pajamas, singing) “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight! In the jungle, the. . .”
CAROL: Richard! What are you doing?
RICHARD: We’re stuck here spending the night aren’t we?
CAROL: Your pajamas?
RICHARD: Do you want me sleep in what I usually wear?
CAROL: No! No!
LORETTA: Oh no.
RICHARD: What’s the matter?
LORETTA: I’m trying to think how I’ll put this in our club newsletter.
FLOYD: (entering, also wearing pajamas) Esther, where’d you put my denture powder?
ESTHER: Floyd!
FLOYD: Did you bring my ice cream?
ESTHER: For the love of God, Floyd. Close it!
FLOYD: My mouth?
ESTHER: (pointing at his crotch) Your gap!
FLOYD: (noticing it himself) Oops. Sorry ladies.
LORETTA: Look guys, I think this is taking it too far. I’m sure that Hank will come back any minute and we’ll be on our way.
GINGER: Who’re you kidding? We’ll probably die here.
LORETTA: Ginger!
GINGER: The Missouri State Police will find our bus full of skeletons in about two weeks.
LORETTA: Ginger, please!
GINGER: I’ll bet we make it on a billboard. “Beautiful Meramec Caverns 26 Miles!” “The World’s Largest Buffalo Turd, Next Right!” “The Phantom Branson Bus of Death, Exit 217!”
ELLIE: Cool!
VERNA: Ellie!
RICHARD: (to Loretta) Look honey, we’re just making the best of a bad situation, okay? We can bed down here for the night. It won’t kill us.
GINGER: Wanna bet?
LORETTA: Richard, we can’t turn this bus into a bedroom.
RICHARD: We can turn anything into a bedroom! Hey Carol. . remember that truck stop in St. Louis?
CAROL: Richard!
LORETTA: Well look. . . I guess we might as well get comfortable. . . I mean until Hank . . . you know. . .
ELLIE: . . . turns up dead?
VERNA: Would you stop that?
GINGER: If you think I’m going to close my eyes with two post-menopausal lunatics in jammies running around the bus you’re crazy.
FLOYD: (to Ginger) Honey, I’ve never been that desperate.
GINGER: How’d you like a knitting needle up your jammies?
LORETTA: Whoa! Whoa! Let’s play nice, folks.
ESTHER: (rising and moving toward the exit) Well if we’re gonna camp out then I need my pillow.
CAROL: (following Esther) I’ve got a blanket in my suitcase.
LORETTA: Please ladies, there’s no need to go to all that. . .
VERNA: (rising and going with the ladies) I’ll need my sleep machine.
RICHARD: Sleep machine?
VERNA: It makes a noise like flowing water so I can sleep.
ESTHER: Wait ‘til Floyd falls asleep. He sounds like the whole Atlantic Ocean. Floyd. You’re gapping again.
RICHARD: (ala robotic) Mind the gap. (Floyd closes his gap)
ELLIE: Grandma, could you get my Teddy Bear while you’re out there?
GINGER: God help me! I sign up for Mel Tillis and I get an orgy on a broken down bus.
FLOYD: Honey, I forgot my eardrops. Could you grab ‘em?
RICHARD: Carol, my sinus medicine is in that top compartment. . (and then a bit of pandemonium breaks loose as all the passengers but Ginger shout out orders and requests and Loretta tries unsuccessfully to calm the group down)
GINGER: (as the melee continues Ginger stands, reaches into her purse and then shouts) I have a gun! (the shouting stops as they take a step away from Ginger) And I know how to use it!
LORETTA: Ginger. . . now just calm down. . . put the gun away. . . let’s talk about this.
ELLIE: This is so cool.
FLOYD: Somebody grab her.
GINGER: Don’t even think about it.
RICHARD: (moving toward her) Take her down!
GINGER: (pulls a medicinal tube from her purse and puts it right between Richard’s eyes) Bang.
RICHARD: (taking the tube) Preparation H?
GINGER: Conceal and carry. . . and it’s loaded.
LORETTA: Okay, okay. . . we’re all getting a little bit. . .
GINGER: Stupid.
LORETTA: Well. . .whatever. Look, if you’d all like to stretch out a little bit until Hank comes back . . . Ginger is quite a card. Let’s just all find a nice place to rest.
RICHARD: Bunking party! Get out the popcorn!
FLOYD: I get the top bunk!
ESTHER: We don’t have bunks, Floyd.
RICHARD: Anybody bring a guitar?
ELLIE: Grandma knows some cool ghost stories!
GINGER: I don’t care what you’ve read; this is my definition of hell.
LORETTA: Okay, look. Let’s don’t make a big thing of this. Why don’t we all just quietly find a place to lay back and relax? Just nice and peaceful, okay?
FLOYD: You heard her. . .nice and peaceful.
(The group looks at each other for a short beat then all hell breaks loose as they scramble for places to recline, they shuffle what bits of luggage they may have with them, and generally make the bus rock with their noise and confusion.)
(Suddenly a bang is heard and the lights go out.)
CAROL: The lights! (a mild uproar, then) Who turned off the lights?
RICHARD: It’s an automatic thing. These over the road buses shut down when the battery’s getting low. We been sittin’ here a long time. It’s just shut down.
LORETTA: So the lights are gone?
RICHARD: Until the battery powers up again.
GINGER: This is the trip of my dreams.
ELLIE: Grandma, are you there?
ESTHER: Floyd? Can anybody see Floyd? He can’t hear anything.
ELLIE: Grandma?
CAROL: Richard? Is that you?
FLOYD: Honey, that tickles.
CAROL: Oh no! Sorry Floyd.
GINGER: Where’s Dr. Kevorkian when you need him?
ELLIE: Grandma? Has anybody seen Grandma?
ESTHER: Honey, we can’t see anything.
ELLIE: Then can anybody feel Grandma?
RICHARD: Give me a minute.
CAROL: Richard!
ESTHER: Something’s moving underneath me!
FLOYD: That’s me, Esther. Want to move your knee?
ESTHER: That’s not my knee.
VERNA: Hey!
FLOYD: Oh. Found Grandma.
LORETTA: Can we get the lights back on, Richard?
RICHARD: Just gotta wait. What’s the big deal? It’s bedtime, isn’t it? Let’s go to bed.
CAROL: Can we pray first?
GINGER: Yeah, that first prayer really did the trick.
LORETTA: Can you all find a spot to stretch out a little?
GINGER: Would the person who’s curled up between my knees please identify themselves?
ELLIE: Sorry. I thought you were Grandma.
GINGER: Do look like your grandma?
ELLIE: You’ve got the same legs.
VERNA: Then who’s between my knees?
CAROL: Richard? Richard!!
VERNA: It’s moving.
CAROL: Richard!
RICHARD: Did somebody drop a ham?
VERNA: That’s my foot!
CAROL: Richard!
LORETTA: (screaming) Stop it! (they immediately quiet) Just stop it! (a silence as Loretta is in tears) Look, I love you all because that’s my job, but we’ve got to settle down and just make the best of this. Okay? (no one says a thing) Okay. Now, we’re going to get as comfortable as we can and we’re going to close our eyes and we’re going to try to get some rest and I’m sure that when the sun comes up we’ll find out what happened to our driver. Okay? (no one says a thing) Okay. Can . . . uh. . . can you hear me?
FLOYD: (snores)
ESTHER: Floyd hears you.
LORETTA: Okay. . . . . okay. We’re all going to be all right. Everything’s going to be just fine. Now I’m going to close my eyes and it’s going to be real quiet and. .
FLOYD: (snores)
ESTHER: Floyd!
FLOYD: What?
LORETTA: (as the sound of crickets rises in the darkness) And we’re all. . . . going. . . to take a nice. . . little. . . nap.
(A long silence as the crickets take over the dialogue, growing in intensity, then in the darkness. . . )
RICHARD: (singing) Kum bah ya, my Lord. . . .Kum bah ya. .
(a silence, then)
Kum bah ya, my Lord. . . Kum bah ya. . .
(a silence, then)
ALL: Kum bah ya, my Lord. . . Kum bah ya. . .
Oh Lord. . .
FLOYD: (snores)
ESTHER: Floyd!
ALL: Kum bah ya.
(another long cricket-soaked silence then we see a dark figure enter the bus. . he looks around a moment then sits in the driver’s seat. . . twisting key the bus motor roars into life and the dome flight flash come on with a blinding flash. . . all the passengers rise up squinting, seeing the driver. . . )
ALL: Hank!
• - - Blackout- - -