Act I
The stage is empty and in the darkness we hear tap-tap-tap, the steady beat on a woodblock or snare. As the lights come up the cast begins to enter from several directions at once. The movement continues then stops on the lines of dialogue.
(the movement stops as the rhythm continues under the dialogue) JAXON: “Too many people grow up. That’s what’s wrong with the world.” Walt Disney
KAMDYN: “Want to know a way to make your mom nervous? Run into the kitchen and grab a handful of napkins.” Jerry Seinfeld
HUNTER: My dad says that kids are the leading cause of old age. (the actors continue to move on eight sets of the musical figure)
(the movement stops as the rhythm continues softly under the dialogue) MYLES: “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” Prince William.
CARSON: “I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection; my Yo-Yo . . . it never came back!”
ANDREW: “Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.” Rodney Dangerfield
WILL: When I was three years old my Dad said a person shouldn’t be ashamed if he pooped in his pants. . . but I still wish he’d stop.
ALL: (singing) Somebody tell me just where I’m supposed to be goin’! I ain’t got a clue what I’m put here to do . . .look at me! (the movement continues)
(movement stops, rhythm continues) ELI: When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
HALLIE: I asked my mom what it was like to have kids. . . so she interrupted me every 11 seconds until I cried.
MARIA: When I was little I didn’t care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
GRACIE: “When I was growing up, my parents told me,
MARCELLUS: “Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’
GRACIE: I tell my daughters,
MARCELLUS: ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’”
BELLA: “My mom didn’t let me play video games growing up, so now I do. It gives me a chance to blow somebody up.” Wayne Brady
SOPHIA: “I was raised as an only child. . . which really irritated my sister.” (rhythm and movement continues)
ALL: (singing) Don’t be amused ‘cause I look so confused; I’m just growin’ This look on my face means I can’t find the place I’m to be. (movement stops, rhythm continues) CARSON: “Four of us slept in one bed; when it got cold, mother threw on another brother.” Bob Hope
JAXON: If you don’t do anything stupid when you’re young then you won’t remember anything funny when you’re old.
HALLIE: My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.
MARCELLUS: If Mom says “No,” ask Grandma. If Grandma says “No.” . . Who are we kidding? Grandma never says no!
MARIA: My dad said that the first forty years of his childhood were the hardest.
KAMDYN: When I was little all I had to do to lose weight was take a bath.
SOPHIA: The face of a child can say it all . . . . especially the mouth.
ANDREW: My Mom said, “Follow your dreams!” . . . .so I went back to bed again.
WILL: Dad says that childhood is like being drunk. Everybody remembers what you did, except you.
ALL: (singing) You think it’s a joke, well, I ain’t blowin’ smoke or just lazy . . . This darned growin’ up has got me mixed up I confess! You think I’ve gone nuts? No really I’m just goin’ crazy! I’m outrageous, contagious, and because of my age I’m a mess! I’m a mess! I’m a mess! I’m a mess!
GRACIE: Each student will write a 200-word essay on “My Future.”
JAXON: My future doesn’t have 200 words.
GRACIE: The essay should talk about dreams. . . your plans. . . your hopes.
KAMDYN: My hopes? I hope this essay goes away.
GRACIE: Neatness counts.
CARSON: I’m dead.
GRACIE: Please do your best. Our school’s funding depends upon your test scores.
ELI: There goes the gymnasium.
ANDREW: Kiss the extra desserts goodbye.
ELI: That’s easy. (a beat, thinks, then) An engineer. But how do you spell NASA?
(ominous music in under)
WILL: (running to Eli as the stage clears a bit) Dr. Stock! Dr. Stock! We’re in trouble!
ELI: What is it, Hutchison?
WILL: The Apollo 27 crew! They’re in trouble!
BELLA: (seated in an imaginary cockpit with Sophie) Houston, we have a problem.
HUNTER: (as a newsman) We’re here at the Houston Space Center where the Apollo 27 mission to Jupiter has reached a crisis.
ELI: What’s the problem?
WILL: The dynamic aerostatic retroactive nimbus has gone dead!
ELI: The dynamic aerostatic retroactive nimbus!
BELLA: Houston, it’s the dynamic aerostatic retroactive nimbus.
ELI: The D-A-R-N?
SOPHIA: That’s DARN for short.
ELI: Darn! The DARN is busted!
HUNTER: Officials at Houston say the crew has a busted DARN.
BELLA: Darn.
WILL: Darn.
BELLA: We’re losing altitude, Dr. Stock.
WILL: Darn it, Stock! We’ve got to do something!
ELI: Don’t worry, Scotty! I’m NASA’s top engineer!
HUNTER: (to Eli) Doctor, you’re NASA’s top engineer! What are you going to do?
ELI: I don’t know.
SOPHIA: We’re waiting.
HUNTER: Well?
BELLA: And waiting!
ELI: Okay! Be calm!
WILL: Be calm!
ELI: De-frag the defragulator!
WILL: De-frag the defragulator!
BELLA: Defragulator defragged!
ELI: Bypass the bypastulaor!
WILL: Bypass the bypastulator!
SOPHIA: Bypastulator bypassed!
ELI: (grabbing an imaginary microphone) You see that little red knob that says, “Do not touch, even in an emergency?”
BELLA: Yes! (reaches for it) I’ve got it!
ELI: Don’t touch it! But right beside it, there’s a cup holder.
SOPHIA: A cup holder?
ELI: Take it loose!
SOPHIA: What?
ELI: Take it loose!
SOPHIA: But where will I put my Slurpee?
ELI: You’re going to die!
SOPHIA: Oh. My bad. (jerks at the imaginary cup holder) Cup holder removed.
ELI: That cup holder is the exact size of the DARN. Stick it right in the DARN hole!
SOPHIA: What?
WILL: Stick it in the DARN hole!
SOPHIA: Which darn hole?
ELI: The darn DARN hole!
SOPHIA: Okay! Okay! Geesh. Such a grouch. (does it) DARN inserted into the darn hole!
WILL: Dr Stock! Dr. Stock! The capsule is responding!
HUNTER: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a miracle.
WILL: It’s a miracle!
HUNTER: The world’s most daring space mission has been saved by the quick thinking of a NASA engineer!
ELI: All in a day’s work.
SOPHIA: What am I supposed to do with my Slurpee?
THE REST OF THE CAST: (Applause, cheers! as all the above actors but Eli move away from the area)
ELI: (pretending to write) . . . and if that doesn’t work out I’d like to be the manager of a McDonald’s. (a final chord on the piano)
MARIA: Oh gosh. . so many things. . a lawyer, a vet, a doctor. . . maybe a dentist. . .but really. . . if I could really be anything I wanted to be. . .(a low roll on the piano as Maria goes to an upstage position facing away from the audience)
MYLES: Ladies and gentlemen! (another low roll) Direct from her world tour and now tonight on our Broadway stage! (another low roll) The remarkable. . .the spectacular. . . . Maria! (the cast cheers)
MARIA: (turns slowly on the intro) (singing) It’s somethin’ so spectacular. . Know what I mean? It’s somethin’ supernatural . . . just like I’m dreamin’. It’s somethin’, somethin’ maybe that . . . I’ve always known. My head is spinnin’. . . MYLES: (spoken) Take it ‘round the corner then bring it on home! MARIA: Just like I’m walkin’ and talkin’ and still in a trance It’s like I went to sleep and . . .I woke up dancin’ I’ll steal the show now. . .Just watch me go now! Make way for me. . . make way for the star! BOYS TRIO: She’s somethin’ so spectacular . . MARIA: Know what I mean? BOYS TRIO: It’s somethin’ supernatural. . . just like she’s dreamin’ MARIA: It’s somethin’, somethin’ maybe that . . . I’ve always known. BOYS TRIO: Her head is spinnin’ MARIA: (spoken) Forget the chairs, boys. . . Bring me a throne! MARIA AND THE TRIO: Just like I’m/She’s walkin’ and talkin’ and still in a trance It’s like I/She went to sleep and . . .I/She woke up dancin’ BOYS TRIO: She’ll steal the show now. . MARIA: . . .Just watch me go now! Make way for me! MARIA AND THE TRIO: Make way for the star! (Music continues under as Maria goes to various audience members and delivers these lines on cue as the Boys Trio does a bit of choreography US of her.) MARIA: (spoken) (music, then) I hope you paid to get in here tonight. (music, then to a man in the audience) What’s it like meeting a legend? (music, then) You got my albums? (music, then) Come on everybody, sing along with the Star! ALL: Just like She’s/I’m walkin’ and talkin’ and still in a trance It’s like She/I went to sleep and . . .She/I woke up dancin’ She ’ll/I’ll steal the show now. . .Just watch her/me go now! MARIA: Make way for me. . . ALL: . . .make way for the star! (cast and audience applaud as Maria takes her bows . . . and her bows. . . and her bows) (Marcellus takes a seat on a block as if he’s working at a desk. Hunter approaches him, unnoticed, a bit nervous. Then after a bit. . .)
HUNTER: Excuse me?
MARCELLUS: Yes?
HUNTER: Is this the. . . you know. . .
MARCELLUS: Professional Career Counseling. Yes. “Jobs Are Us.”
HUNTER: Great. I want a job.
MARCELLUS: That’s why we’re here. Now exactly what type of job?
HUNTER: Oh, this is so exciting. Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to do this.
MARCELLUS: Good for you. Now what’s the job?
HUNTER: I used to dream about it. . . .I mean at night.
MARCELLUS: That’s a good time for dreaming, yes. So what exactly is the job you’re applying for?
HUNTER: You ready?
MARCELLUS: There’s a line of people behind you. I’m more than ready.
HUNTER: I want to be. . . .I want to be. . .
MARCELLUS: Yes?
HUNTER: A professional cuddler! (a very long beat as Hunter stands there expectantly and Marcellus looks on in disbelief. . .as does the rest of the cast.)
MARCELLUS: Excuse me?
HUNTER: A cuddler! A professional cuddler.
MARCELLUS: A cuddler.
HUNTER: A Professional cuddler.
MARCELLUS: Of course. I mean there’s no call for amateur cuddlers. One question.
HUNTER: Yes?
MARCELLUS: What exactly is a cuddler?
HUNTER: What is a cuddler? What is a cuddler?
ALL: What the heck is a cuddler!!!?
HUNTER: (stirring music under) Oh, my friends. . . When in the course of human events it becomes necessary that someone needs a hug. . .a little squeeze. . .a noogie. . . a gentle crunch. . .When there’s gray skies and blues in the night. . . . When the world seems to turn its back on your hopes and dreams and you can no longer walk through a storm and keep your head up high and climb every mountain. . . When the world . . .
KAMDYN: (begins to wail and sob)
HUNTER: (running to her) Oh little girl! Whatever is the matter?
KAMDYN: My puppy ran away and my birthday party was rained out and then the cat ate my Barbie!
HUNTER: Oh, that’s terrible!
KAMDYN: And things got really bad.
HUNTER: You know what you need?
KAMDYN: What?
HUNTER: A cuddle! (he hugs her, she smiles)
EVERYONE: Awwww…….
KAMDYN: Gee! I can get a new puppy, we can have my party tomorrow and Barbie is a creep!
EVERYONE: Awwwww. . . .
ANDREW: (standing) Oh no! Oh no!
HUNTER: (running to Andrew) What is it, oh disturbed and troubled young man?
ANDREW: My dad backed his car over my bike, my IPhone went dead, and the Cubs swept the Cardinals in a three-game series!
EVERYONE: Oh no!
HUNTER: Hey gang! What does he need?
EVERYONE: A . . .good . . . cuddle!
(Hunter gives Andrew a hug.)
EVERYONE: Awwwww…..
HUNTER: (going to the audience) Come on everybody, let’s hear it!
EVERYONE AND THE AUDIENCE: Awwww. . . .
ANDREW: Gee! I feel just. . . peachy!
MARCELLUS: Excuse me. . . but . . you know. . . isn’t that something that just anyone can do?
HUNTER: (grabbing his heart) I can’t believe you said that! I’ve studied cuddling my entire life! I have an PhD in Cuddling!
MARCELLUS: PhD.
HUNTER: P-H-D. Please hug me, Dude.
MARCELLUS: But, I mean. . a hug is just . . you know. . .a hug.
HUNTER: (trying to catch his breath, shocked) You don’t know. . you just don’t know. For example . . . may I show you?
MARCELLUS: Uh. . . sure.
HUNTER: (moves to behind Marcellus) Now there are a whole world of cuddles.
MARCELLUS: Wait a minute! You mean you’re going to cuddle me?
HUNTER: You asked me, right?
MARCELLUS: Right, but. . .
HUNTER: (grabbing him from behind) Okay. . . first there’s the Oprah Cuddle. (Hunter gently wraps his arms around Marcellus)
THE CAST: Awwww….
HUNTER: Then there’s the Schwarzenegger. (Hunter puts Marcellus into a bear hug)
THE CAST: oooooo. . .
HUNTER: The Beyoncé! (Hunter drops to his knees and grabs Marcellus’s legs passionately)
THE CAST: Oh my!
HUNTER: Or perhaps the Doctor Spock! (Hunter puts a finger to each side of Marcellus’s throat and Marcellus passes out)
THE CAST: Ahhhh!
HUNTER: (to the unconscious Marcellus)Sir? Sir, wake up. Perhaps I cuddled you too hard.
MARCELLUS: