Act II
As with Act I, the scene begins with the sound of a very sloppy Reveille played offstage in the darkness, then the lights come up to reveal Ranger Bob marching in followed by most of the campers. They are again in a state of semi-awakeness.
RANGER BOB: Hup! Two! Three! Four! Hup! Two! Three! Four! Hup! Two! Three! Four! . . . and . . . Halt! Good morning, Camp Ohmygosha! Another glorious day awaits us! But before we begin, I have a very special surprise for you! (they react) We have three very important guests this morning. . . They were even a surprise to Ranger Bob! In fact, I’m not sure I’ve even seen them before! They just showed up last night and I want you to meet them! Ladies!
(Enter: Spike, Gene, Chuck and Kenny, still in their nightgowns, followed by a very angry Amazon.)
AMAZON: Such pretty little things! Such darlings! Such (kicking Spike in the butt) . . jerks!
RANGER BOB: And are we having a Miss America pageant? What’s the matter, Kenny?
KENNY: My bra itches.
RANGER BOB: Spike, was this your idea?
SPIKE: No! No, I swear! It was. . uh. . it was. . .Dave! Yeah, it was Dave! He came up with this whole idea then he ran off. . just to get us in trouble! I’m telling the truth, Ranger Bob! Honest!
RANGER BOB: Honest? That’s a new word. Where did you learn it?
SPIKE: I ain’t kiddin’, Ranger Bob. If Dave was here he’d tell you the same thing.
RANGER BOB: Dave? Dave, you say? Well why don’t we just ask him?
THE BOYS: Huh?
RANGER BOB: Rose!
(Rose enters with Dave by the scruff of his neck. Dave is a mess. His clothes are torn, his face is covered with mud, and he has branches and twigs sticking out from various parts of his body. )
SPIKE: Dave! What happened?
DAVE: Okay, well I went out in the woods and got lost like you told me to get lost but instead of getting’ lost I got really, really lost and couldn’t find my way back because. . .
RANGER BOB: . . .you were lost.
DAVE: How’d you know that? So yeah, like I was lost and so I thought I’d climb a tree to see where I was but I’m scared of heights so I went to swim across the lake but I’m afraid of water so then I thought I’d just go to sleep but I’m afraid of the dark so I got hungry but all I had was Sister Oscar Meyer’s cornflakes but the raisins started moving around and they were hard to swallow. . so then I didn’t have anything left to do so I dropped to my knees…
RANGER BOB: Yeah?
DAVE: . . and I prayed!
RANGER BOB: You prayed?
AMAZON: You prayed?
SPIKE: You? Pray?
DAVE: And then the weirdest thing happened!
ALL: What?
DAVE: I had.. .I had…
ALL: Yeah?
DAVE: A vision!
CHUCKY: Maybe it was the raisins.
DAVE: No. . it was. . it was unbelievable! As I was kneeling there in the swamp with frogs and the snakes and the cornflakes, he came to me!
AMAZON: He?
RANGER BOB: Who came to you, Dave?
DAVE: A saint!
JANET: A saint?
CAROLE: Which one?
DAVE: It was . . .it was . . . Saint Luigi!
JERRI: Saint Luigi?
PATTY: I never heard of Saint Luigi.
DAVE: I know it was him. . he had a name tag. . “Saint Luigi! Patron Saint of Dummies Lost in the Swamp!”
SPIKE Ho-ly cow!
DAVE: I remember it like. . like it was yesterday!
RANGER BOB: It was yesterday, Dave.
DAVE: I looked up and I saw. . I saw. . (eerie music comes in under, the lights change, and the awesome specter of Saint Luigi appears.. . he’s dressed in a white robe and wears a chef’s hat) . . him! I said, “Who are you?” He said . .
SAINT LUIGI: (in a thick Italian accent) Ey! Who you think-a? It’s-a me! Saint Luigi! Patron Saint of-a Dummies Lost in da Swamp! So! Whatta your problem, kid?
DAVE: (now becoming a part of Luigi’s scene) I’m a dummy lost in the swamp, Sir!
SAINT LUIGI: Eh! What a goombah! Pull yourself-a together, kid! Stand up-a like a man!
DAVE: So I stood up.
SPIKE: What happened?
DAVE: I sunk in deeper. It was quick sand. Then Saint Luigi said to me. .
SAINT LUIGI: Geesh! What a dummy! Grab my hand!
CAROLE: What’d you do?
DAVE: I grabbed his hand!
ALL: Yes!
DAVE: And then it slipped!
SAINT LUIGI: Sorry, kid (wiping his hands) . Pizza sauce.
DAVE: And all around me. . everything smelled like…
SPIKE: . . Yeah?
DAVE: Garlic!
CHUCKY: Heaven smells like garlic?
DAVE: And then he looked me right in the eyes. . .
RANGER BOB: Yeah?
DAVE: And he told me . . .
SAINT LUIGI: (as schmaltzy music comes in under) Kid, you gotta climb every mountain! Ford-a every-a stream! Follow every-a rainbow and follow the Yellow Brick Road-a! You gotta let it go-a! Let it go-a! Can’t hold it back anymore! You gotta call me Maybe! When you walk through da storm, keep-a your head up high! Because this land is your land and this land is my land from sea to shining sea! Oh say-a can you see? I can! So glory, glory halleluiah, go out there hit me with your best shot! Make a difference! Just do it! And to the republic for which it stands. . . Arrivederci, Baby! Yowzah! (and he is gone, music out)
RANGER BOB: I don’t understand.
DAVE: I didn’t either so I got out a map and came back to camp.
ROSE: (running in) Ranger Bob! Ranger Bob! They’re coming up the driveway!
CAROLE: Who?
RANGER BOB: Uh. .
ROSE: Uh. .
RANGER BOB: Uh. .
ROSE: The garbage truck!
RANGER BOB: The garbage truck picks up today?
SISTER OSCAR MEYER: (entering in a rush) No! He’s delivering! (and she rushes off in that direction)
RANGER BOB: Okay! Okay! Big day! Big day at Camp Ohmygosha! Campers! Let’s get at it! (and they disperse)
ROSE: (as the campers are leaving) It’s the committee coming, not the garbage truck.
RANGER BOB: I know that. We’ve got to stop them. Rose, go cause a distraction.
ROSE: A distraction?
RANGER BOB: Lay down in the road. . .tell them you’ve been bitten by a snake.
ROSE: There’s no snake!
RANGER BOB: (grabbing her hand and rushing off) Don’t worry. . . we’ll find one.
SPIKE: (entering with Dave, Gene, Kenny, and Chuck) Come on! They’re gone!
GENE: Way to go, Spike. You made us look like fools.
SPIKE: Hey, that wasn’t hard. And Dave, great story about Saint Luigi!
DAVE: I read it in a comic book.
SPIKE: Okay, so here’s the plan.
CHUCK: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No more plans, Spike. You’ve got us in enough trouble.
SPIKE: You chickenin’ out on me?
CHUCK: You got us washin’ dishes with Sister Oscar Meyer for the rest of the summer. That’s enough.
SPIKE: But if we screw up the talent show there won’t be any rest of the summer! I’ve got a plan!
DAVE: Can I take a nap?
SPIKE: No! Now, listen. . . (and they huddle together as the girls enter)
PATTY: (entering quickly to another part of the stage with her group of girls) It’s true! I heard it myself!
JOYCE: The big committee?
PATTY: Yeah! The guys who give money to the camp. They’re here and they’ll be at the talent show tonight!
JANET: Big deal.
PATTY: But you know what I heard?
JANET: What?
PATTY: I heard that one of the committee members is Scotty Maruna!
THE OTHERS: Scotty Maruna!
PATTY: Yeah!
CONNIE: I’ve got all his albums!
LOIS: I’ve got his picture on my walls at home!
JERRI: Scotty Maruna! I can’t believe it! He’s such a hunk! I went to his concert once! It was wild!
PATTY: So this is our chance, girls! We gotta look good for Scotty! (they huddle as the action switches to the boys’ side of the stage)
SPIKE: So I made this stink bomb!
KENNY: Stink bomb?
SPIKE: I been collecting Sister Oscar Meyer’s garbage all week…I set a cherry bomb in the bag then just as Ranger Bob gets up to give out the awards. Powee! We stink up the whole camp!
DAVE: Is that a sin?
SPIKE: Dave!
DAVE: It sounds like fun so it must be a sin. (they huddle again as the action switches to the girls)
LINDA: But what’re we gonna do? We can’t do that awful act that Miss Steve taught us. That was terrible.
PATTY: Dance!
JULIE: Do what?
PATTY: Dance! Nobody ever dances! And we’ll have boys in the dance!
CAROLE: No way!
PATTY: Way! I got a plan!
JERRI: How’re you gonna get those jerks to dance at the talent show?
PATTY: (pulling a paper out of her pocket) With this! (they huddle and the action returns to the boys)
CHUCK: What if we get caught, Spike? Ranger Bob’ll kill us!
SPIKE: Yeah. What a way to die! In a cloud of stink bomb!
KENNY: No more washin’ dishes!
CHUCK: No more camp songs!
ALL THE BOYS: No more Camp Ohmygosha! (they run off)
JOYCE: What is it?
PATTY: It’s a letter. Somebody dropped it behind the boys’ cabin.
LINDA: Read it! Read it!
PATTY: Ladies, here’s how we get boys in our dance number. . . because if they don’t, I’m gonna read this out loud at the talent show.
JOYCE: Read it, Patty!
PATTY: “Dear Spike. . .”
LOIS: It’s a letter to Spike! He’ll kill you for readin’ that!
PATTY: Not as long as I’ve got the letter. “Dear Spike. . . you are my darling little boy. . “
JANET: It’s from Spike’s mother?
PATTY: You bet! “I remember when I used to bounce you on my knee and you’d giggle. . .”
JERRI: This is too good!
PATTY: “Even when you’d make a mess in your diapers I’d smile and kiss you. I used to give you noogies on the bottoms of your feet and you’d laugh out loud. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you and that no matter what happened, I’m still with you.”
(The girls look at each other in disbelief for a short moment then burst into laughter.)
JULIE: That is too good! I love it! He’ll just die!
PATTY: Don’t worry. Once he knows I found his letter I won’t have to read it. . .and Spike will be our lead dancer.
JERRI: But wait a minute. Spike said he never knew his mama. . . said she ran off just after he was born. He doesn’t even know where she is.
PATTY: But she knows where Spike is! Come on! Let’s get ready! (they all run off, leaving Joyce standing there alone, dreamy-eyed) (coming back to her) Joyce? What’re you doing?
JOYCE: Scotty Maruna. (sighs, then Patty drags her off)
AUNT SALLY: (entering with Ranger Bob) Whatta you mean I gotta hide?
RANGER BOB: Just be out of sight tonight…please, Sally?
AUNT SALLY: I got just as much right to be at the talent show as anybody! What’re you tryin’ to say?
RANGER BOB: It’s the committee, Sally. They’re here and they’re coming to the show. If we don’t put on a good impression we lose the camp.
AUNT SALLY: So what’s wrong with me bein’ there?
ROSE: (entering) Everything!
AUNT SALLY: The wicked witch of the West.
ROSE: We’ve got to hide her somewhere.
AUNT SALLY: Rose, you’ll never be the man your mother is.
ROSE: Ranger Bob, we can’t let them see her.
AUNT SALLY: Were you born on a highway?
ROSE: Why?
AUNT SALLY: Because that’s where most accidents happen.
ROSE: I’ve had enough! (she hurries off in a huff)
RANGER BOB: Sally!
AUNT SALLY: (shouting after her) Don’t leave so soon, Rose! I was just about to poison the iced tea.
RANGER BOB: Look, I’ll give you the night off. . you can have my car. . . .my credit card.. . just go, okay?
AUNT SALLY: It’s so great to be loved.
RANGER BOB: Sally, don’t do this to me.
AUNT SALLY: Hang me out to dry, Bob! Throw a log around my neck and throw me into Lake Purgatory! Smother my poor old body with macaroni and cheese and strangle me with canned spaghetti!
RANGER BOB: Sally. . . .
AUNT SALLY: Boil me in leftover French fry oil! Make me listen to sixth-graders singing Kum-ba-yah all night long in the recreation hall! Beat me! Cheat me! Let mosquitos eat me! Hit me with your best shot! Is this any way to treat me?
(she walks to the audience, bows, and exits)
RANGER BOB: (after she’s gone) She can be a bit dramatic. (he exits)
SISTER MEYER: (entering banging on a pan, followed by a group of campers beating on various kitchen utensils) One! Two! What’ll we do?
THE CAMPERS: Three! Four! Scrub the floor!
SISTER MEYER: Five! Six! Stir and Mix!
THE CAMPERS: Seven! Eight! Wash those plates!
SISTER MEYER: Nine! Ten! Do it again!
THE CAMPERS: Nine! Ten! Do it again!
SISTER MEYER: Halt! (they come to a crashing halt) Okay, kitchen crew! The kazoos were a bad idea. Let’s try the song.
A CAMPER (SUZIE) : Do we gotta?
SISTER MEYER: Come on, Suzie, work with me on this. It’s embarrassing to go forty years without winning a single talent contest. Come on, guys! Do it for Sister Oscar Meyer!
ALL: (singing and banging to the tune of “This Little Light of Mine) This little pot of mine. . I’m gonna make it shine! This little pot of mine. . I’m gonna make it shine! This little pot of mine. . I’m gonna make it shine! Make it shine! Make it shine! Make it shine! SISTER MEYER: Now kick it! ALL: (as they begin to dance around as they bang and play) Eat those beans then spit them out! I’m gonna make it shine! Scrape off grease and sauerkraut. . I’m gonna make it shine! Hard to get the wieners out. . I’m gonna make it shine! Make it shine! Make it shine! Make it shine!
AUNT SALLY: (entering holding her head and moaning. . sees the group, stops, exits moaning and holding her head)
SISTER MEYER: I think she liked it. She wasn’t moaning quite as loud this time. We’re getting better, kids!
RANGER BOB: (running in holding a club) Where is it?
SISTER MEYER: Where’s what?
RANGER BOB: Somebody said it sounded like a moose was dying over here.
SISTER MEYER: Back to the kitchen! (as they exit) One! Two! What’ll we do?
THE CAMPERS: Three! Four! Scrub the floor!
SISTER MEYER: Five! Six! Stir and Mix!
THE CAMPERS: Seven! Eight! Wash those plates!
SISTER MEYER: Nine! Ten! Do it again!
THE CAMPERS: Nine! Ten! Do it again!
ROSE: (running in) Ranger Bob, they want to see the campers. I can’t stall them any longer!
RANGER BOB: They can’t see the campers. They can’t see these campers.
ROSE: What’ll we do?
RANGER BOB: Rose, we are now in official crisis mode! Send all the campers to their cabins and tell them to write letters home!
ROSE: But it’s the middle of the day!
RANGER BOB: And the end of my career if the committee sees these kids! Rose! Hit it!
ROSE: (shouting and running to various places on the stage) To your cabins! To your cabins! Letter writing time! To your cabins!
(Lively music in under as various campers appear in solo spots writing and reading their letters home.)
WRITER ONE: (in a solo spot, paper in hand) Dear Mommy and dear Daddy I hope you’re doing fine, Oh my gosh this camp is just a doozy. Please come and get me quickly . . . I hope that you don’t mind. Or else come get my body . . . maybe Tuesday.
WRITER TWO: Hi Mommy and hi Daddy, this is your darling girl. The one you sent to camp ‘cause you don’t like me. Daddy says you sent because you love me so, But I think you did it just to spite me.
WRITER THREE: Last week we lost a camper while swimming in the lake. A sort of hyper kid, you know, real spastic. I asked how he wasn’t saved by God’s great saving Grace. They said he drowned because he wasn’t Catholic.
WRITER FOUR: Sister Oscar Meyer tried a new dish out last night. It moved, but we ate it just the same. I tried to find the recipe so I could get it right, But I didn’t know the way to spell “ptomaine.”
(as the music continues under, Ranger Bob and Rose meet each other onstage)
RANGER BOB: Where are they now?
ROSE: They’re headed toward the cafeteria.
RANGER BOB: Great. I heard that Sister Oscar Meyer has a new dish. Maybe they’ll try it. Are the campers still in their cabins?
ROSE: Everybody’s writing home. Don’t worry, most of ‘em can’t write. It’ll take forever.
AUNT SALLY: (entering, holding her head) Anybody got a Tylenol?
RANGER BOB: Hide her! (Rose rushes to scuttle Sally offstage)
AUNT SALLY: (stopping the exit momentarily) Rose, I love what you’ve done with your hair.
ROSE: Why. . .thank you.
AUNT SALLY: But how’d you get it to come out of your nostrils like that? (and the two ladies are gone)
WRITER FIVE: (again, in a solo spot) We lost two campers yesterday while going on a hike. They disappeared while walking by the lake. Roger Bob said maybe it was just their time to die. You ask me, I think they just escaped.
WRITER SIX: (appearing with Writer Seven in a single spot) Mommy, please come get me. Dad, please hurry quick. Really, I’m not feeling all that well.
WRITER SEVEN: They tell us heaven’s wonderful and just a lot like camp, But Oh my gosh this camp, it seems like. . . (music stops)
WRITER SIX: I don’t think you can say that. (blackout)
SPIKE: (entering with his buds. . Spike carrying a large, bulging garbage sack) Come on! Come on!
CHUCKY: We can’t do this!
SPIKE: Sure we can!
KENNY: That thing really stinks, Spike.
SPIKE: This garbage is over a month old! It’s supposed to stink.
GENE: So how do we do this?
SPIKE: Easy. We put it under the stage and I’ve got these cherry bombs that we’ll put underneath it. Then when Ranger Bob gets up to say, “And the winner is. . .” we light the fuse and the stuff blows all over the place!
KENNY: When who lights the fuse?
SPIKE: It’s gotta be somebody brave. .
CHUCKY: Somebody with guts!
GENE: Or somebody completely clueless. (they all slowly turn to look at Dave)
DAVE: My sister’s a girl.
SPIKE: Do you even know what we’re talkin’ about, Dave?
DAVE: No.
SPIKE: Perfect! Let’s go! (and the boys rush off)
PATTY: (entering with her friends) Hurry up!
CAROLE: Where’d they go?
JERRI: I just saw Spike and his gang run around the back of the auditorium.
LOIS: Did you tell him about his mom’s letter?
PATTY: Not yet. I’ve got to wait ‘til the right moment.
JULIE: Where’s Joyce?
CONNIE: She’s been in a dream ever since you said that Scotty Maruna was going to be at the talent show.
LOIS: The girl’s lost her mind.
(Joyce enters, as if sleepwalking, in a daze. The girls simply stare at her as she crosses from one side of the stage to the other.)
JOYCE: Scotty. . . Scotty. . Scotty. . (and she is gone) (blackout)
RANGER BOB: (in the darkness, his voice only) Attention Camp Ohmygosha! Our Lady of Perpetual Perspiration is proud to announce it’s weekly talent show! All campers should report immediately to the Immaculate Reception Hall! Over. . and. . out!
(The lights come up to a stage filled with campers excitedly filing in to the auditorium. They align themselves, seated, on each side of an open area, the “stage” at center. Rose is busy herding them to their seats.)
RANGER BOB: (running in and grabbing Rose) Rose! Where are they?
ROSE: Who?
RANGER BOB: The committee! Where are they?
ROSE: They’re on their way.
RANGER BOB: To here? They’re coming here?
ROSE: I couldn’t stop them, Ranger Bob. They insisted on seeing, “The Best Camp Ohmygosha Has to Offer!”
RANGER BOB: I’m dead.
ROSE: Bob. . .
RANGER BOB: I’m dead. Just bury me behind the dumpster.
ROSE: Look, it won’t be that bad.
RANGER BOB: It’ll be worse. Would you tell my mother that I loved her?
ROSE: Oh no. Here they come! (shouting off) Over here! Over here, folks! (Enter: three audience members including at least one male, playing the parts of the inspection committee. Rose seats them in chairs to the side of the playing area, making sure that they are placed where the audience can see their faces and reactions. As much as possible, their faces should remain stoic and critical throughout.)
RANGER BOB: (nervously approaching the committee, now seated) Uh. . welcome. Welcome to Camp Ohmygosha. Uh . . we’re so glad you’re here. (a long, awkward pause as the three audience members simply stare at him) (to the man in the group, shaking his hand) And Scotty Maruna. . .what an honor. I have all your uh. . albums, or whatever. (“Scotty” just stares at him.) O---kay. (running to the center “stage” position) Okay, campers! The big night is here! Camp Ohmygosha’s weekly talent contest! (the crowd cheers) I can’t tell you how excited I am about tonight. . . and I mean I really can’t tell you. And I’d like to introduce our very special guests tonight. . the evaluation committee from Our Lady of Perpetual Perspiration! (the crowd cheers, the committee sits there, stone-faced) And some of you probably recognize him. . that singing, dancing heart-throb, Scotty Maruna!
JOYCE: (running at him, hysterically, arms outstretched) Scotty!
RANGER BOB: (grabbing her right before she reaches him) Easy, Joyce! Easy, girl!
AMAZON: Get away from him, Joyce! He’s a man!
JOYCE: (to “Scotty” as she’s being pulled away. . “I. . love. . you!”)
RANGER BOB: And now, for our first act. . . Miss Steve and her girls will present their living sculptures! (to Amazon as the girls take their places) Now remember, Miss Steve, make it sweet.
AMAZON: Sweet.
RANGER BOB: Gentle.
AMAZON: Gentle. You got it.
RANGER BOB: The committee’s watching. . . make it a thing of beauty.
AMAZON: Got it, Chief.
RANGER BOB: (to the committee) You’re going to love this.
AMAZON: Our first human sculpture! The Seven Plagues of Egypt! (the girls scramble into a tableau of real horror and mayhem. . the crowd gasps, shocked by the ugliness of the scene…Ranger Bob grows pale) (after the reaction has settled down) Beautiful girls. Our next human sculpture! The Walls of Jericho Come Tumbling Down Killing Everybody! (again, the girls scramble into a frozen scene of terror and crowd onstage is equally horrified) Warms my heart. Our third human sculpture! The End of the World!
RANGER BOB: (stopping them as they move into position) Wait! Wait! I think we’ve seen enough, Miss Steve. That was. . uh. . truly . . world-ending. (aside, to Amazon) I said sweet and gentle.
AMAZON: (aside, to Ranger Bob) You mean dull. Look, I could whip that wimpy little Maruna with one hand.
RANGER BOB: Let’s hear it for Miss Steve and the girls! (they applaud while the committee sits and stares, unmoved) (running over to Rose) This is terrible. What should I do?
ROSE: Ever thought of selling Tupperware?
RANGER BOB: (to the audience) Hey! Just talked to Rose! She was overwhelmed by that! Okay. . . (consults his notes) . . looks like our next act comes from the kitchen! Hey, isn’t that great, campers? Finally! Something good coming from the kitchen! Kidding, Sister Oscar Meyer! Kidding! Hey, let’s hear it for our kitchen band!
(Sister Oscar Meyer quickly assembles her little team of musician/singer/bangers.)
SISTER OSCAR MEYER: Okay, troops. Let’s give it our best shot. (she raises her arms to conduct her band, then stops) Whoa. Wait a minute. My music. I must have left it in the microwave. (to Ranger Bob) Just a sec, Ranger Bob. I gotta get my music! (and she runs off)
RANGER BOB: Uh. . . .that’s just. . .great. (to the kitchen band) Can you guys do something for us while Sister Oscar Meyer is checking the microwave for her music?
BANGER ONE: (one of the campers in the kitchen band) Hey, let’s do that one thing.
BANGER TWO: The one we made up when she was gone?
BANGER ONE: Yeah! I like it better.
RANGER BOB: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What’re you doing?
BANGER TWO: We wrote this one ourselves, Ranger Bob.
RANGER BOB: Oh no.
BANGER ONE: A-one! A-two! A-one-two-three!
THE KITCHEN BANGER BAND: (can be done as a group or with solos and groups) You are my camp-food….my awful camp-food. Sometimes you’re brown and . . . .sometimes you’re gray. You never know, dear. . what’s in the pudding. Oh some one please.. . take my camp-food away. The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping My cat escaped somehow. Next day at dinner while I was eating My hamburger said, “Meow.” You are my camp-food. . my awful camp-food. You always make my tummy growl. You keep me going. . .and going, going As you play dirty tricks with my bowels. Oh what a thriller when salmonella Attacks the camp when midnight comes. We eat big bowls of our Pepto-Bismol. And for dessert we take Rolaids and Tums You are my camp-food….my awful camp-food. Sometimes you’re brown and . . . .sometimes you’re gray. You never know, dear. . what’s in the pudding. Oh some one please.. . take my camp-food away. (The crowd applauds, Ranger Bob holds his head in dismay, and the inspection committee continues to glare.)
RANGER BOB: Uh. .
SISTER OSCAR MEYER: (running in with her music in hand): Okay! Let’s hit it!
RANGER BOB: They already hit it, Sister Oscar Meyer. In fact, they slammed it.
BANGER ONE: We were great, Sister! You should have heard us!
SISTER OSCAR MEYER: What did you do?
BANGER ONE: (handing her the lyric sheet) This!
SISTER OSCAR MEYER: (scanning it quickly, then grabbing Banger One by the neck and marching him/her up to the committee) May God forgive me for what I’m about to do. (She whisks Banger One offstage and we hear a terrible scream.)
RANGER BOB: (running to the committee) Uh. . .Sister Oscar Meyer also gives private vocal lessons! (another offstage scream) For sopranos!
ROSE: (running to Bob) We’re in trouble, Bob.
RANGER BOB: Tell me about it. What else could go wrong?
AUNT SALLY: (staggering in, a disheveled mess, holding her head) Who’s screaming?
ROSE: Oh no.
AUNT SALLY: Oh, my head. Somebody put a bass drum in brain.
ROSE: (moving to Sally) Sally, you’re not supposed to be here.
AUNT SALLY: Rose, there’s a cockroach on your shoes.
ROSE: What?
AUNT SALLY: Never mind. It’s just your feet. (moving to the committee) Whoa! We got company!
RANGER BOB: (trying to stop her from approaching the committee) Stay away from these people.
AUNT SALLY: (to the committee) Hi. I’m Aunt Sally, the social director. Anybody feel like shuffleboard?
RANGER BOB: Sally, please!
AUNT SALLY: (seeing the man playing Maruna) Well hello there, hot stuff! Wanna play on my team?
RANGER BOB: (pulling Sally away from them) Aunt Sally is such a joker! Aren’t you, Aunt Sally?
AUNT SALLY: (right in his face, dully) Ha- - - - - - ha.
RANGER BOB: (moving her to an out-of-the-way place, still onstage) Aunt Sally’s going to have a seat and enjoy the show!
AUNT SALLY: I am?
ROSE: You are! Uh. . .Campers and our esteemed committee, we’d like to present our next act!
RANGER BOB: (as he’s trying to seat Aunt Sally) Good! Good girl, Rose!
PATTY: We’re ready, Rose!
ROSE: Oh good! Good, good, good for you! Uh. . .so here they are, the . . . the. . .uh, the. . Who are you?
PATTY: (as the girls come to join her onstage) We’re. . uh…we’re Spike and His All-Star Dancers! (a collective gasp goes up from the campers and staff)
ROSE: Excuse me?
PATTY: Spike and His All-Star Dancers!
SPIKE: Say what?
ROSE: Come out here, Spike! You didn’t tell me about this.
SPIKE: About what?
ROSE: You’re a dancer?
SPIKE: No!
PATTY: Oh yes he is.
SPIKE: What’re you talkin’ about, girl?
PATTY: Don’t you remember the dance steps you taught us, Spike? (the crowd reacts with wonder)
SPIKE: What dance steps?
PATTY: Here. (taking him aside a bit) Someone wrote them down.
SPIKE: (he looks at the letter and goes pale) Oh no.
RANGER BOB: Spike?
GENE: Spike, what’s the matter?
KENNY: I’ve never seen him that color before.
PATTY: It’s his dancing color. Spike, if you don’t remember what’s on this paper then I can just read it aloud and. .
SPIKE: No!
KENNY: Spike? Talk to me, bro! What’s happenin’?
SPIKE: (still stunned) We’re gonna dance.
CHUCKY: We’re gonna do what?
SPIKE: We’re gonna dance.
KENNY: No way, man!
SPIKE: (grabbing Kenny by the shirt and drawing him up close, threatening) Way--- man.
CHUCKY: I’d rather die!
SPIKE: (grabbing Chucky with his other hand) That’s your choice, Dude. Hit it! (and the music begins….. Spike begins dancing, haltingly at first, then the girls join him and he gets better and at one point shouts to Gene, Kenny and Chucky. . .) Dance, you idiots! (and the select group of girls plus the three boys to a choreographed number) (At the end of the dance the camp break into applause.)
RANGER BOB: Wow! I mean wow-wow! I don’t know what to say!
ROSE: Then announce the winner!
RANGER BOB: The what? Oh! Oh yes! The winner! And uh. . . . I think our committee of guests should decide!
AUNT SALLY: (coming out of her stupor) What? I always judge the talent contest!
KENNY: (aside to Spike) Here we go! You seen Dave?
SPIKE: Dave?
KENNY: The stink bomb.
SPIKE: Oh man, I forgot!
RANGER BOB: Aunt Sally, you aren’t in any condition to. .
AUNT SALLY: Don’t tell me what I can’t do!
KENNY: (aside to the boys) When’s he supposed to set it off?
CHUCKY: When they announce the winner!
SPIKE: He can’t. We were gonna be a mile away from this place! Now we’re stuck here!
RANGER BOB: Just have a seat, Aunt Sally, and I’ll announce the winner.
AUNT SALLY: Don’t push me around, Bobby Boy! (this gets everyone’s attention)
RANGER BOB: Aunt Sally, please!
AUNT SALLY: You think I can’t do my job any more?
SPIKE: (to the other two) We gotta find him! We gotta stop him!
RANGER BOB: (taking Aunt Sally by the arm and trying to gently lead her out of the area, but Sally won’t allow anything to be done gently at this point) Aunt Sally isn’t feeling well.
AUNT SALLY: Get your hands off me!
RANGER BOB: Sally, please! Things are going so well! Don’t spoil it! Spike and his friends just did a wonderful dance! It was a miracle!
AUNT SALLY: You liked that dance?
RANGER BOB: Are you kidding? That rotten kid had no talent and look what he did!
KENNY: (to the other boys, seeing Dave sneaking in holding something) There’s Dave!
SPIKE: Stop him!
CHUCKY: It’s too late! He’s got the stink bomb.
AUNT SALLY: (to Bob) Who are you calling a lousy kid?
RANGER BOB: Everybody knows that Spike’s a little jerk!
SPIKE: (in a loud whisper) Dave! Dave, don’t do it!
RANGER BOB: You like that kid?
GENE: (loud whisper) Dave! Stop, Dave!
AUNT SALLY: Don’t you badmouth Spike!
RANGER BOB: Why are you sticking up for such a rotten kid?
AUNT SALLY: (blurting before she’s had time to think) Because he’s my son! (And the whole camp is in shock. Spike is in shock, unable to believe what he’s just heard. Ranger Bob is speechless. Aunt Sally quickly regrets what just came out of her mouth.) I didn’t say that.
RANGER BOB: What did you say?
AUNT SALLY: I said I didn’t say that.
RANGER BOB: Spike is your son?
AUNT SALLY: Oh my.
SPIKE: What?
KENNY: (looking at Dave) He’s about to set it off!
CHUCKY: (runs to Dave, snatches the parcel from him, and runs to Ranger Bob) Ranger Bob, this is a little present for you
RANGER BOB: For me?
CHUCKY: For inspiring us to all become dancers.
RANGER BOB: Really? (nearly in tears) I don’t know what to say? (begins to open it)
CHUCKY: No! No! It’s too personal to open in public. Why don’t you go over by the kitchen to open in privately?
RANGER BOB: I can’t wait! (and he rushes off)
SPIKE: (to Aunt Sally) Mom?
AUNT SALLY: (a beat, then) Son?
SPIKE: You’re my mother?
AUNT SALLY: Why do you think I took a job at this lousy camp? When I ran off I was too embarrassed to find you and tell you I was your mother. . . but now I could watch you grow up.
ALL: (a collective sigh of aw-ness) Awwwwww……
PATTY: Is it okay if I cry?
SPIKE: Then I’ve got a mother?
AUNT SALLY: If you’ll have me. (A long, tense moment as Spike tries to decide what to do, then finally. . . running to her arms)
ALL: (awe-ness again) Awwwwww…..
(An explosion is heard offstage and several campers scamper for cover as everyone else reacts with alarm.) (Enter: Ranger Bob, his face smeared with blackness. The whole camp reacts with repulsion at the stench that accompanies him. He carries the remnants of his parcel. He stands there a moment, the Sister Oscar Meyer runs on, grabs the parcel from him and as she exits, shouts. . )
SISTER OSCAR MEYER: Lunch!
AUNT SALLY: No offense, Ranger Bob, but you stink.
ROSE: (running to Ranger Bob with a piece of paper, trying to get close enough to hand it to him without gagging from the odor) Take this.
RANGER BOB: (moving toward her) What is it?
ROSE: No! No! Stay away! Stay away! It’s from the inspection committee. I’ll read it.
RANGER BOB: Oh no.
ROSE: “We have been inspecting camps all summer and we’ve never seen anything like this.
RANGER BOB: I’m dead.
ROSE: “Frankly, we are shocked. . .”
RANGER BOB: Just bury me now. Get it over with.
ROSE: “But the wonderful dancing boys, the great fireworks display. . .and the beautiful family bonding we’ve seen here has made Our Lady of Perpetual Perspiration proud! We have decided to increase your funding.”
(A cheer goes up in the camp.) ROSE: “Camp Ohmygosha is the best camp we’ve ever seen!”
(another cheer) “And now if we could hear your camp song before we leave. . .”
AMAZON: Hit it, you scumbags!
ALL: (singing as they all throw their arms around each other and X downstage) Camp Ohmygosha, Oh My Gosh! You are the best camp ever! We have such fun; we burn our buns in all the awful weather! For three long months, our life is rich. . the bees that sting, the bugs that itch All summer long we sing this song. . Oh, Ohmygosh, we love you!