Act II
(The sound of crickets is heard in the darkness then the lights slowly come up to reveal the cast frozen in the identical poses with which they ended Act I. After a beat or two we hear the roar of an engine and the group becomes animated going into slow-mo as they shout. . . )
ALL: Ha------a----nk! (Then the group goes into real time with much adlib commotion. . . the bus is rocking and Hank is barreling down the road.)
LORETTA: (shouting over the others) Hank! You’re back!
ELLIE: We’re rolling, Grandma!
RICHARD: (singing) “Six Days on the road and I’m gonna make it home tonight!”
LORETTA: He’s back! I told you he’d be back! (a cheer from the others) But. . I mean, what happened, Hank? (Hank shrugs.) But you were gone all night and the guys went looking for you! (Hank shrugs.) So tell us! What happened? (through the following Hank communicates mostly with shrugs and gestures with an occasional grunt, groan, “uh….oh. . .well….er” . . all the while he continues to drive the bus) (Hank begins fanning himself desperately) Hot? Hot? You’re hot? (no! points to the engine) The engine! The engine got hot! The engine overheated? (Yes! Yes! Yes!) (the passengers clap) So the engine overheated and. . .and. . .(Hank mimes drinking) Thirsty? You were thirsty? (no!) Water? (yes!) You needed water? (yes!)
RICHARD: You went after water! (yes! Yes! Yes!) (the passengers applaud)
LORETTA: So the engine overheated and you went after water and . . . and. . . (Hank mimes fishing) Fishing? You went fishing? (no!)
FLOYD: Worms! You found worms in the radiator! (no!. . and he fishes some more and points to the imaginary creek)
LORETTA: Creek! You found a creek! (yes! Yes! Yes!) (passengers applaud)
FLOYD: Whose team is winning?
ESTHER: This isn’t a game, Floyd!
LORETTA: So you went looking for water and you found a creek! (yes! Yes!) (Hank mimes scooping up water in a container) You went to get some water. . . (Yes!) (Hank freezes in a startled pose.) But something startled you! (yes!) (applause) (Hank mimes trying to hear something.) A noise! A noise startled you! (yes!) (applause) (Hank pulls on his ear.) It sounded like. . .it sounded like. . . (Hank mimes a little girl skipping along happily)
FLOYD: A fashion model! (No!) My fruity Uncle Richard! (No!)
LORETTA: A girl! Like a little girl! (yes! Yes!) (Hank twists around in his seat) Huh? What’re you doing? (Hank twists painfully again)
FLOYD: Hemorrhoids! You’ve got hemorrhoids! (No! No!. . twists some more)
LORETTA: You turned around! (yes!) You heard the little girl and you turned around. . (Yes! Yes! Yes!)
ELLIE: This is exciting!
VERNA: Go Hank, go!
LORETTA: (Hank motions “Two!”) Two? (Yes!) Two what? (Hank gestures as if he’s stupid) Two. . two. . . (more “stupid” gesturing) . . . Something dumb! (Yes! Yes!) Two of something dumb! (Yes!)
RICHARD: It’s your family reunion, Carol! (she slaps him back into his seat)
LORETTA: Okay. . . you went to find water for the bus, you found a creek, you bent over to get water out of the creek, you heard a little girl shout, then you saw something stupid. . . Hold it! (they quiet) Wait a minute! (Loretta levels her gaze at Richard and Floyd) You saw two idiots trying to throw a little girl across a creek. (Hank Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! as the commotion comes to a halt and the others turn to look at Floyd and Richard)
CAROL: (to Richard) You scored again, Dr. Einstein.
FLOYD: What’d she say?
ESTHER: My mother? She said, “Don’t marry this idiot.”
LORETTA: But the bus is rolling! We’re headed to Branson, folks! (cheers)
RICHARD: Wait, wait, wait a minute, sports fans. This doesn’t add up. I found that sparkplug that was pulled loose. The bus couldn’t run without that.
VERNA: But it was running. . .
ESTHER: . . until it ran low on water.
LORETTA: That means. .
RICHARD: That means that somebody took out the sparkplug after we stopped. Somebody wanted us to stay here. (a slow pan as the group carefully eyes each other)
GINGER: (suddenly coming to life and standing) Aha!
LORETTA: Ginger?
GINGER: And just who could it be, ladies and gentlemen? Who wants to keep us trapped in a dark bus all night? (to Floyd and Esther) Could it be the mild-mannered couple from Peoria who seem to keep finding excuses to leave the bus and disguising it all behind his weak prostate? (to Richard and Carol) Or could it be clever pair sitting behind me? He tells awful jokes trying to get us to believe he’s a complete moron and she suddenly begins talking to God every time she gets cornered. (to Verna and Ellie) Or maybe the sweet little old lady who fakes dementia as she sneaks her granddaughter, obviously a midget trained by the FBI, onto our tour bus. (to Loretta) And who would we be least likely to suspect? A sweet, innocent tour guide who coincidentally was the person who planned all this. (to Hank) And then we come to Hank. . .the man of few words and a sweaty t-shirt. What’s he hiding behind those greasy hands and three-day-old socks? (They all sit in stunned silence.)
LORETTA: Ginger! What’s come over you? I. . I’ve never seen you like before!
GINGER: Oh cool your shorts, Loretta. That was from “The Doorway to Hell,” Jimmy Cagney, 1930, Warner Brothers. I just thought it seemed appropriate.
RICHARD: Look, there’s got to be a simple explanation to all this. Buses don’t just quit then start on their own.
LORETTA: I’m sure there’s an answer somewhere and maybe in the morning we’ll find it. Look folks, it’s another two hours before sunrise. We’re all tired and want to sleep so how about we just . . . you know. . . relax. Just relax and in the morning we’ll sort everything out.
GINGER: Like they told the folks on the Titanic. . “Don’t worry folks. That was just a little bump. Go on back to sleep.”
FLOYD: Well I’m going to sleep. You guys do what you want.
VERNA: Come on, Ellie. Let’s take a little nap.
ELLIE: This is too exciting, Grandma.
FLOYD: Give her a drink.
ESTHER: Floyd!
LORETTA: (as the group again does their best to find a place to nest, stretching out a bit) We’ve got plenty of room. . . just a couple hours and it’ll be light. You okay, Hank? (Hank shrugs) Hank says he’s just fine.
RICHARD: I’m tellin’ ya, somebody on this bus isn’t who they claim to be.
ELLIE: Wow!
VERNA: Richard, you’re scaring her!
ELLIE: No he’s not!
LORETTA: Okay! Okay! I think we’re all settled in.
FLOYD: (snores)
GINGER: Oh great.
ELLIE: (to Richard) You really think it’s somebody on the bus?
RICHARD: You can count on it, little lady. You know there’s spies everywhere.
GINGER: Yeah, Branson’s just a hotbed of Russians. Now would you all just shut up so I can go to sleep? (They settle down to sleep. . . a beat, another beat, then see Ellie’s head slowly peeking up.)
ELLIE: Spies. Really? I mean, what if, you know. . .
CAROL: (her head slowly becoming visible. . . she is wearing a dangerous-looking headscarf) . . .(in a stage whisper which eventually becomes full voice as their scene progresses. It’s hard to describe the lameness of their attempts at a Russian accent. Through this Ellie is an unseen observer. The lights change just enough to let us know we’ve slipped out of reality.) Boris! . . . . Boris!
RICHARD: (popping up, wearing a very bad fake moustache) Natasha!
CAROL: Boris! They’re asleep!
RICHARD: Perfect, Comrade! (both come to standing as they look around the bus of sleeping passengers)
CAROL: Just look at them! Lazy capitalist pigs!
RICHARD: We must move with care, Comrade . . . for the greater glory Russia!
CAROL: My heart beats like Bolshoi ballet, Boris! Is our chance to stop at least one busload of aging capitalists from reaching their holy city of Branson.
RICHARD: We must destroy their American symbols of freedom!
CAROL: Da. Bluegrass music!
RICHARD: Free Wi-Fi!
CAROL: All-you-can eat buffets!
RICHARD: They do not suspect a thing, Natasha! We have fooled the capitalists with our disguises!
CAROL: They think we are American! Do you have the clothing?
RICHARD: Da! Da! (looking into his satchel) American clothing! Fanny pack . . Hoodie. . . baggy sweatclothes. . . Packers sweatshirt. . .Northface Jackets, Selfie sticks and T-shirts bragging about every place we have been. . . . . and white socks.
CAROL: Excellent Comrade! Now we must practice the language.
RICHARD: Da. Da. Proceed.
CAROL: (reading from a pamphlet) S-U-P.
RICHARD: Soup?
CAROL: Nyet. Nyet. You say it “sup.”
RICHARD: Sup?
CAROL: When you meet an American you do not say hello. You say. . .
RICHARD: Sup?
CAROL: Da. Da. You call your mother. . .
RICHARD: Sup?
CAROL: You want to propose marriage.
RICHARD: Sup!
CAROL: You are stopped by the police.
RICHARD: Sup . . . Sir!
CAROL: Da! Da! One more thing, Boris!
RICHARD: Da?
CAROL: You must be sorry.
RICHARD: Sorry?
CAROL: Sorry. All the time you must be sorry.
RICHARD: I do not understand.
CAROL: Is easy. Listen. You bump into someone on the street. You say. . .
RICHARD: Sorry?
CAROL: Da. Sorry. You spill your vodka. .
RICHARD: Sorry?
CAROL: A truck backs over you. . .
RICHARD: Sorry.
CAROL: A volcano blows up two thousand miles from your house, you say . . .
RICHARD: Sorry?
CAROL: Da! Da! You are American, Boris! You are sorry! You are sorry!
RICHARD: Hey Natasha!
CAROL: Da?
RICHARD: Sup?
CAROL: Not much!
RICHARD & CAROL: (a beat, then) Sorry! (they laugh as they duck down to their sleeping positions. The lighting changes to indicate we’ve returned to reality.)
(The group remains sleeping except for Hank who continues to drive, but when the lights change they all change positions slightly, then . . . .)
FLOYD: (snores)
ESTHER: (in a very loud whisper as she nudges him rather forcefully) Floyd!
FLOYD: (gasps then goes back to sleep)
VERNA: What’s the matter, sweetheart?
ELLIE: Grandma, are there spies on the bus?
VERNA: Spies? A few weirdos, maybe, but no spies, Ellie. You kids. . .always so emotional. You’ll see, Ellie. One day you’ll see that life isn’t just one big soap opera. Now just go back to sleep, honey. (And Verna does go to sleep along with Ellie. . .a couple of beats then Ellie’s head suddenly pops up.)
ELLIE: I’m emotional? What’s a soap opera? (the lights quickly change to the dreamscape vision)
LORETTA: (suddenly sitting up, in a loud stage whisper . . .she has added an exotic scarf) Dirk! Dirk, can you hear me?
FLOYD: (raising up and joining Loretta in some of the most over-the-top soap opera acting ever displayed on a tour bus. . . he wears a colorful European neck scarf and dark glasses) Destiny! Destiny, my love!
LORETTA: Oh Dirk!
FLOYD: Oh Destiny!
LORETTA: Is she asleep?
FLOYD: (looks down at Esther) Soundly, my love.
LORETTA: Does she suspect anything?
FLOYD: She thinks we’re on a vacation to Branson! She knows nothing about . . . . US!
BOTH: (both turn to audience, clasp hands at their chests and breathe an excruciatingly audible sigh) AHHhhhh. . .
LORETTA: Oh how I long to hold you in my arms, my darling Dirk!
FLOYD: And I, my delicious Destiny!
LORETTA: But how did you ever arrange for us to meet in Branson?
FLOYD: It was our destiny, Destiny.
BOTH: (again, the sickening sigh) AHHhhhh. . .
LORETTA: But I’m afraid, my love! What if they others find out about us?
FLOYD: When Adrian and Austin discovered that Ashley’s amnesia was terminal and Aidan, Alan and Audrey were forced to flee to Florida with Felicia and Franco’s fortune, I knew that Mario and Mimi were actually identical twins separated at birth when Miguel and Maximillion met Marcus and Miranda on the Veranda. . . . (a long beat, then) . . .Wednesday.
LORETTA: (a beat, then) What?
FLOYD: (considers repeating himself then thinks better of it) I love you, Destiny!
LORETTA: I love you, Dirk!
BOTH: AHHHhhhh . . .
FLOYD: Just a few more hours, my love, and we’ll be in Branson, the City of Romance where we can make our escape!
LORETTA: You stole the sparkplug?
FLOYD: To give myself another precious hour with you, my love!
LORETTA: Oh Dirk, we are so Young and Restless in these Days of our Lives, and As the World Turns you will be my Guiding Light in Another World!
FLOYD: Just you?
LORETTA: And All my children!
ESTHER: (rising up like Vesuvius and pointing a threatening finger at the couple) Liar!
FLOYD: Marlena!
ESTHER: Cheater!
FLOYD: Marlena! No!
ESTHER: I should have known!
FLOYD: Sweetheart!
ESTHER: I should have known when Bianca and Brett betrayed Bridget and Brooks in Baltimore while Conner and Cole were adopting the illegitimate child of Chase and Chad in Chelsea just as Damian became possessed by demons on the night of Frankie’s funeral!
FLOYD & LORETTA: (a beat to each other, then) What?
ESTHER: You’re gonna die, Dirk!
LORETTA: Dirk!
FLOYD: You don’t have a gun, Marlena!
ESTHER: Wanna bet? (she quickly reaches into Ginger’s purse and pulls out the tube of Preparation H)
FLOYD & ESTHER: Oh----no!
LORETTA: Goodbye, Dirk!
FLOYD: Marlena! No!
ESTHER: Bang! (Floyd grabs his chest as Loretta grabs him, holding him up) Dirk! Dirk! You’ve killed Dirk!
FLOYD: (through his blood, sweat and tears) Marlena! How could you!?
ESTHER: It was easy, Dirk. You got everything you had comin’ to you.
FLOYD: I’m going to die.
ESTHER: I know.
FLOYD: I’m dying.
ESTHER: That’s the idea.
FLOYD: Destiny. . .
LORETTA: Yes, Floyd?
FLOYD: Destiny. . .
LORETTA: Yes, Floyd?
FLOYD: There’s something. . .there’s something I must tell you.
LORETTA: What is it, Floyd? What is it?
FLOYD: Please forgive me, sweetheart.
LORETTA: Talk to me, Floyd. Talk to me, sweetheart!
FLOYD: I’m your long lost brother.
LORETTA: What?
FLOYD: Your brother. . . our parents were tossed from their luxury yacht when the typhoon hit them on their vacation to Tahiti and the Coast Guard picked them along with you, but their son. .
LORETTA: Yes, Dirk?
FLOYD: Their son was lost in the waves.
LORETTA: Yes. And he drowned.
FLOYD: No. . He didn’t drown, Destiny. He washed ashore on the Island of Pago Pago by the Hubba Hubba tribe. They adopted him and raised him as their own until he was discovered by an amputee millionaire from Walla Walla who brought him back to America. . .and you!
LORETTA: Then you’re my brother?
FLOYD: (coughs his last, then. . . ) Yes.
LORETTA: Well then forget that crap! (she drops him to the bus floor and he dies. . . sort of and the lights change back to the realistic setting and the passengers shift their sleeping positions a bit.))
ELLIE: (to Verna) So there’s no soap in a soap opera?
VERNA: What are you talking about, Ellie?
FLOYD: Anybody seen my teeth?
GINGER: This is the worst bed I’ve ever slept in.
CAROL: Who can sleep?
ESTHER: Floyd can.
RICHARD: That was Floyd? I thought it was the transmission.
GINGER: (pounding her seat) Whatta they do, put rocks in these things? (sees something and picks it up) Oh dear God.
LORETTA: What’s the matter, Ginger?
FLOYD: They’ve got to be here someplace.
GINGER: (wrapping the item up in a tissue) I found the lump.
FLOYD: My teeth couldn’t have gone far.
GINGER: (holding up the tissue) They didn’t.
CAROL: (quickly retrieving the teeth for her husband) For the love of God, Floyd, keep your teeth in your mouth. (Floyd quickly puts the teeth in his mouth.) Aren’t you going to clean them off?
FLOYD: They looked fine to me.
GINGER: At least they’re warm.
FLOYD: Huh?
GINGER: I’ve been sitting on them for an hour. (Floyd gags a bit then spits out his teeth to examine them.)
LORETTA: Come on folks, we can do this. It’ll be light in another hour and we’ll be in time for the Buck Trent Breakfast Show. . . Just settle in. . . everything’s going to work out just fine. Hank is wide awake and we’re in good hands. Right Hank? (Hanks gives a non-comitted shrug and keeps driving)
CAROL: (a long beat as they all try to get settled again, then. . . singing) “Jesus loves me, this I know. .”
GINGER: Oh dear God.
CAROL: “For the Bible tells me so. . “
GINGER: I can’t believe this.
CAROL; “Little ones to Him belong. . . “
GINGER: That’s enough! Does she have to sing that?
CAROL: I know several others.
GINGER: I mean, do you have to sing at all?
CAROL: Richard and I always sing a little hymn before we go to sleep at night.
FLOYD: (snores)
ESTHER: Floyd!
CAROL: We didn’t sing before and see what happened?
LORETTA: Maybe just a short one. Would that be okay, Ginger?
GINGER: A what?
FLOYD: (snores)
ESTHER: Floyd!
LORETTA: Just a short one. I know. Carol, let’s let Ginger pick a song.
GINGER: Do what?
LORETTA: Pick a song. . . just anything you like, Ginger. Would that be okay, Carol.
CAROL: Well, I suppose. . .
FLOYD: (snores)
ESTHER: Floyd!
CAROL: We’re going to sing something.
FLOYD: Somebody die?
CAROL: Go back to sleep.
LORETTA: Go ahead, Ginger. Whenever you’re ready. Just pick a song for us to sing. (reaching out to a knob somewhere and the lights dim a bit) Here, let me lower the lighting. . . just like beddy bye time. Okay, Ginger. Whenver you’re ready.
GINGER: (a long silence, then, singing loudly ala Bohemian Rhapsody)
“Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye everybody I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama. . .”
LORETTA: Ginger!!!
GINGER: Wrong key?
LORETTA: No, it’s. . .
GINGER: Okay. (another silence, then (singing) ) “In a gadda da vida, honey. . Don’t you know that I’m lovin’ you. . .In a gadda da vida baby. . .Don’t you know that I’ll always be true?”