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Scene One: The time before. The music begins and the lights come up to reveal an idyllic landscape. The stage is filled with colors and the sights of children playing. They move in slow motion in the soft light. A few adults are present, but the children dominate the scene. They continue to frolic happily as the narrator’s voice comes up under.
THE NARRATOR: It was a time of long ago and since forgotten. A time before the tears. Before the days of never-ending nightmare and before the gnashing of teeth. This was a time of innocence and wonder. Our land was filled with joy and the shouts of children’s laughter. For ages, then, we lived in peace. The tools of war, long since discarded. Little did know what was to come. Little could we dream of what would soon be. We could not fear what we did not know. And then…. it came: The beginning of … the Darkness …. the day they took…..The Children!
Scene Two: The Darkness….. and explosions occur all over the stage as the scene is plunged into shadows and streaks of eerie lights……. the screams of children are heard in the darkness as hideous shapes begin to devour the stage … mothers run through the shades of light and dark to save their children but to no avail… Then from the shadows creep the Specters… as the blacklight picks up only skeletal shapes dancing and piercing the endless darkness …
-The Specter Dance
Scene Three: A Hero Comes…. The blacklight and the Specters disappear into the darkness and the lights come up to reveal a throne room. But this is not a place of splendor… rather, a ghost of glories past. It is the decrepit throne room of a kingdom in decay. Upon his throne lies Kondor, the ruler of the Land Before. Various minions slowly shuffle around the throne, whispering in small groups, awaiting Kondor’s final breath. The lights continue to rise and fall during the scene as thunder rolls ominously in the distance. We hear his labored breathing as the lights come up and the mournful music continues under.
KONDOR: (painfully rasping) ….where?……….. Where?……..
NORMANDY: Your majesty?
KONDOR: Where is he?
NORMANDY: No word, sir. No word.
KONDOR: He….he must come ……He must come soon…..The light…..the light is nearly gone….
NORMANDY: Sire… What if…What if he does not…..
KONDOR: (roaring) He will come! He must come! (and there is a rumbling commotion offstage as harried voices are heard) What? Who comes here?
LeMANS: (entering) Sire! (he and Medoc enter carrying a large sack)
KONDOR: Who is it?
NORMANDY: Your squires, sire.
KONDOR: What news? Tell me! What news? Have you found him?
LeMANS: Great Kondor, we followed your instructions, but….
KONDOR: Have you found the hero?
LeMANS: We do not know, sire. He seems….he seems so….
KONDOR: Do not doubt the Ancients when the light is fading! The Ancient Ones told us where to find him. We need no further proof. His coming was foretold! Show me! (as he begins to cough and choke) Show me! (a thunder clap) (LeMans and Medoc open the sack as the others gather round. Constans, a small boy, comes tumbling out. The court is shocked. Constans is bewildered and a bit dazed.)
NORMANDY: Sire!
KONDOR: Quiet!!!! Your name, boy.
CONSTANS: Sir?
KONDOR: Tell me your name!
KONDOR: Constans. And so it is written. How did you escape the terror? Why were you spared the Darkness?
NORMANDY: Bow before your king.
KONDOR: Stay. One day we may bow before the child.
CONSTANS: My parents, sir. They hid me.
KONDOR: How?
CONSTANS: In a far land.
KONDOR: You are indeed the chosen one. They have stolen the children, Constans. They have stolen our future. And now… now they steal the very light itself, one golden ray at a time.
CONSTANS: What has this to do with me, Your Grace?
KONDOR: Everything. Everything, Constans.
NORMANDY: Your Grace, the Dark One must be defeated by the Throne! Not some mere child!
CONSTANS: Go where? Sire, I’m but a boy! I…..
KONDOR: Silence! (another peal of thunder) Andorra! (nothing… they look around) Andorra, my child! Your father summons you!
(Andorra pokes her regal head out of somewhere and takes a look around. The King’s daughter is a Royal Princess, bordering on royal pain. She gives new meaning to the term “only child.” As far as she’s concerned, she’s the only child on earth… which, in this case, is just about right. Andorra is dressed in the finest finery. She struts her royal strut across the throne room and all but Kondor and Constans bow in humble obedience. Constans does not notice that the others are bowing. As Andorra passes by him, she stops and notices his failure to cow-tow to her. He looks around. “What’s wrong?”, then is brought low by a blow from behind as one of the courtiers sends him sprawling onto the floor.)
KONDOR: Constans… my daughter, Andorra.
CONSTANS: Your Grace?
KONDOR: She will accompany you on your journey.
ANDORRA: I will not!
CONSTANS: Journey? What journey, sire?
KONDOR: You must rescue the children. You must rescue the light. Our future is in your hands, Constans!
ANDORRA: Whose idea was this?!!
KONDOR: I am dying, boy. I can fight no longer. (a peal of thunder)
CONSTANS: But I’m just a…..
ANDORRA: A peasant! Dear God! He’s a peasant! Did you touch me? I hope you didn’t touch me. If you touched me, I’ll have to go wash. You know how I hate to be touched and…..
KONDOR: Silence! (thunder)
NORMANDY: Sire, these are mere children!
KONDOR: By such children shall we be saved.
ANDORRA: Is this a joke, father? If this is a joke, then I think it not a funny one. You know how I hate joking!
KONDOR: You are a proud and haughty child, Andorra. I can no longer protect you from the Darkness. This boy must be your savior.
ANDORRA: I think not! (the thunder roars, but this time the thunder does not stop… the courtiers are thrown about by the earth’s violence and the lights begin to fade dangerously low)
NORMANDY: It comes!
LeMANS: The Darkness! (and the squires group themselves around Kondor to protect him)
KONDOR: (crying out) My children! Find the little ones!
ANDORRA: Father!
KONDOR: Save the children! Save our world!
CONSTANS: Sire, I cannot……
KONDOR: (screaming as the lights begin to dim out completely) Save the children! (and with his final shout, the noises build to a loud crash as the stage is plunged into darkness)
(And the lights come up to reveal a very shaken and frightened Constans & Andorra, somewhere in the Kingdom. They lay tossed onto the ground, much the worse for wear.)
ANDORRA: (still lying on her back) My…dress…is…(sitting bolt upright) ..wrinkled!
CONSTANS: (groans)
ANDORRA: Not that you care. This is probably the sort of thing you peasants enjoy.
ANDORRA: Couldn’t wait to get the Princess out into the woods, could you? Well, you’ve had your wish. Now the game is over. Take me back, please.
CONSTANS: Take you back?
ANDORRA: To my castle. It’s nearly time for tea and here I am stuck….(sees something) Dirt! There’s dirt on my shoe! (shouting off) Isabelle! Jeannette! Your mistress is in distress! Bring a rag quickly!
CONSTANS: I don’t think they can hear you. I don’t think anyone can hear you. I don’t think…. I even know where we are.
ANDORRA: Then find out immediately. Arrange for transportation and I shall be waiting here for you. (she sits or a stump or a rock)
RUGGLES: (from behind the rock) Ow! Consternation and flipflops!
ANDORRA: (to Constans) Are you speaking to me?
RUGGLES: Banjos and bellybuttons!
ANDORRA: (to Constans) I beg your pardon?
RUGGLES: (popping out from behind the rock…. Ruggles is a very strange little man with pointed ears and nose, a rag hat, and clothing that seems nothing more than a very colorful collection of rags. His stockings are brightly colored and the toes of his shoes are curled upward. He speaks with a rapid and animated cockney accent.) Sorry, M’lady, but your hiney was so large, it nearly smothered me.
ANDORRA: (jumping up) How dare you?!
RUGGLES: I could ‘ardly miss it! You stuck it right in my face!
ANDORRA: Who are you?
RUGGLES: Ruggles. (in one long speal) Master of the Forest, protector of ‘elpless animals, inspector of all things vegetable, mineral, and edible. At your service. Nice ring you’ve got there. Sell it? Give you five quid. Not enough? Make it four. Don’t play ‘ard to get w’ me, M’lady. I’m a shrewd dealer and I know my stuff.
ANDORRA: (a long stare, then) I think I want to go home.
RUGGLES: (to Constans) Who’s the snit?
CONSTANS: Sir. …..
ANDORRA: I have never been treated like this!!
RUGGLES: High time, then. (to Constans) Want me to kill ‘er? Five quid. My bottom price. Usually get fourteen but considerin’ the pleasure I’d get with this little snit, I’ll make a sacrifice.
ANDORRA: Ahhh!
CONSTANS: Sir…
RUGGLES: Ruggles.
CONSTANS: Sir Ruggles.
RUGGLES: I like it.
CONSTANS: Sir Ruggles, I’m not sure what I’m doing. The great Kondor has sent us out to rescue the children and save the world.
RUGGLES: Is that all? I thought you were after something big!
ANDORRA: I insist you take me home!
RUGGLES: Make it three quid and I’ll even provide me own rope.
ANDORRA: Ahhh!
RUGGLES: Ahhhh! (to Constans) So you must be the boy.
CONSTANS: You know me?
RUGGLES: Know you? No. Heard of you? All my life. We all have.
CONSTANS: News travels fast around here.
RUGGLES: It’s a small world after all. And as my friend the bullfrog says, “Time’s fun, when you’re ‘aving flies.” And I know about your adventure, too.
CONSTANS: My adventure?
RUGGLES: The grand adventure! Boy, you ‘ave no idea what you’ve got yourself into!
CONSTANS: I didn’t….
RUGGLES: ‘Course you did. Just by bein’ born. And it’s me, (bows) Sir Archibald P. Ruggles who will lead you on your quest! But wait! Why say it when you can sing it! Even the rocks themselves shall start to sing! (he taps a rock and it comes to life and begins to sing… he taps another and it joins in…then two more) Presenting! My own personal Rock Band!
It’s a grand adventure you’re ‘bout to begin It’s a great a glorious trip! A handsome lad whose heart is so sad And a proud and pretty young snit!
ANDORRA: Ahhh!
RUGGLES: Ahhhh!
It’s a dangerous trek ..and you’ll see in a sec Your troubles are ‘bout to begin For brave little man as he travels the land And his maid who’s a pain in the neck.
(chorus) Hi Ho! A wandering, I wonder where we’ll go? Hi Ho! A wandering, I….. (music stops, spoken) And remember: there are two rules for success in this journey! CONSTANS: Yes? RUGGLES: Number One! Don’t tell people everything you know! (a pause….Ruggles says nothing… music begins)
The dangers here are great, I fear, And chances are you’ll die…. But what’s a death or two, my dear As long as it’s not I?
You’ll sally forth with this silly dwarf Who seems quite out of his mind. But to tell the truth, to save your touche You’ll need me, so be kind!
Hi Ho! A wandering, I wonder where we’ll go? Hi Ho! A wandering, I….. (music stops, spoken) And remember: If time heals all wounds, why don’t bellybuttons fill in?
(spoken, music under) CONSTANS: But I’m just a boy!
RUGGLES: Ah! Don’t worry! Out of the mouths of babes… often comes… cereal!
ANDORRA: You are ridiculous! I won’t stand for another moment of this.
RUGGLES: Look… I’ll race you off that cliff. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
CONSTANS: But how am I supposed to find the children?
RUGGLES: Well, you look, silly! You look!
CONSTANS: But why me? I’m just a….
RUGGLES: Tush! Tush! Remember! The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence… But consider what they’re using for fertilizer!
(one rock starts singing out of tune) Hold it just a bloody minute! (To Constans) Scuse me, Govna… bit of a problem here, I think. Gotta tune me rocks. (moves to the offending rock, with a melodramatic sigh) An artist’s work is never done! (he tunes, and tunes, and tunes, then finally they begin playing in tune)
And now we’re off on our wee little jaunt That will be like nothing you’ve seen. And if we must die, as we must bye and bye (music stops, gestures to Andora) Let’s start right away with the Queen.
ANDORRA: Ahhh!
RUGGLES: Ahhh!
So come! Let’s go, with a Hi and Ho And hey nonny nonny, we’re off! Perhaps we’ll come back with our senses in tact And perhaps we won’t come back at all!
Hi Ho! A wandering, I wonder where we’ll go? Hi Ho! A wandering, I….. (music stops, spoken) Don’t worry lad! As my father used to say, “Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand… And I’ll break my lever!” (music, then stop) And he said, “Fools rush in! … And get all the best seats!” (music, then stop) And I’ll never forget ‘is words as he lay dying! He said, “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!” (play off and finish)
CONSTANS: I’m ready!
RUGGLES: That’s the spirit! There’s nothing can stop us…….
POODY: (from offstage, a voice somewhere between an owl in heat and a crazed banshee) Rug---gles!!!!!!!!!
RUGGLES: Spit and Beeswax!!!!!
POODY: Rug------gles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RUGGLES: Tar and Manure!!!!
ANDORRA: Who’s that?
RUGGLES: Dogsbottom!
CONSTANS: Who?
RUGGLES: Me bloody wife! Poody! I call her Dogsbottom! You’ll see why.
POODY: (appearing) Rug-----gles! (Lady Pusillanimous, or Poody, is a walking nightmare… a mop of filthy, tangled hair ….only a few teeth remaining, all of which seem to be in the wrong places ….. an entire family of warts have taken up residence upon her nose and face …. her eyes sunken deeply into her wrinkled scull … her bosom heaves and groans with each step as if carrying the weight of the world on her…uh… somewhere on her … her clothing is beyond rags … and making matters worse, Poody imagines herself as the height of fashion, wearing gaudy flowers in her hair. She carries a diseased rag with which she constantly swipes at her nose and anything else within dripping distance. The woman is a living dream, but only if you’ve eaten spicy food before bedtime.) (she also speaks in a broken cockney lilt) Ruggles, where have you been?
RUGGLES: ‘ere and there, my pet, ‘ere and there.
POODY: Not that you care your poor old woman is slavin’ away while you frisk yer scrawny loins ‘ere wit the birds and bugs! (slaps him with her rag)
RUGGLES: My wife, Poody.
POODY: Oh, don’t mind Poody. Poor, poor old Poody!
RUGGLES: (whispering loudly to Constans) See what I mean? Dogsbottom.
POODY: (rag slap) What was that?
RUGGLES: We ‘ave guests, love.
POODY: (seeing Andorra for the first time, with mock admiration) Owhhhhhh! Lookee ‘ere what’s come to see us. A lady! And she’s got ‘erself a servant. Hoidy toi! Ain’t we somethin’ now!
ANDORRA: Are you real?
RUGGLES: A question I ponder most often, M’lady.
POODY: What’s that? (rag slap)
RUGGLES: They’re the ones, love. The one’s who’ve come to rescue the children.
POODY: You!!!!! (laughs) ‘Is ‘ighness ‘as sent a fop and beggar? Well, we’re all dead now, aren’t we! You think you can defeat the Darkness? That’s a laugh! (approaching Constans) Do you know what you’re up against, boy? Do you know? Bet you don’t! Bet you got not no idea the trouble you’re in.
CONSTANS: Trouble? No one even knows we’re here!
POODY: (a beat of disbelief, then) Haaaaa! Did you ‘ear that? Haaa!!!!!!! ‘Course ‘e knows! The darkness knows everything, now don’t ‘e?
RUGGLES: Quiet, my dear. The forest has ears!
POODY: And rats have fleas! What’s that to me! (shaking her fist to the sky) Do you ‘ear that, you big blob of nothin’!
RUGGLES: (truly frightened) My love, don’t do that.
POODY: (still, to the dark sky) I’m sick of it, you ‘ear? Sick of the way the Darkness has smothered us! Sick o’ the way it’s stolen our kiddies! I’m sick! Do you ‘ear that, you big blob of blackness? Do you!?
RUGGLES: Lovie, don’t be temptin’ ‘im!
POODY: Come on, you big mess of murk! You’ve taken every else! Why not…. (and a dark rumble fills the air as the lights begin to change and Poody begins to stiffen)
RUGGLES: Lovie!
CONSTANS: What’s happening?
RUGGLES: ‘Tis the Darkness!
ANDORRA: What’s going on?
RUGGLES: She’s done it! She’s called him down! Lovie! Speak to me, girl! (But it’s too late. Poody has become stiff, frozen in a defiant gesture to the sky.)
CONSTANS: Look! She’s….. she’s…..
RUGGLES: (touches her arm) ‘Ello? What’s this? The old gal’s turned to stone!
ANDORRA: That’s terrible!
RUGGLES: (a long take as he looks at his stony wife, then looks at Andorra and shrugs, then finally) ‘Course it does ‘ave it’s advantages. (Again the rumbling fills the air….) It’s back! (And this time the rumbling and flashing becomes more intense as Ruggles runs to Constans) ‘E knows yer ‘ere! You’ve got to run!
CONSTANS: Who?
RUGGLES: The Darkness! ‘E’s come for you, boy!
ANDORRA: (crying out) I want to go home!
RUGGLES: Don’t we all! Go! Go! You’ve got to run for it!
CONSTANS: But where ……
RUGGLES: Don’t matter now! Just…..(but he sees something in the distance) …just… Oh dear God! It’s too late! They’re ‘ere! They’re ‘ere! (And the lights dim to an eerie hue as the Minions converge upon the stage …. dark wisps of shadowy evil …. They dance around and through the huddled trio of frightened travelers. Eventually, Andorra is captured by a group of them, then Ruggles, and finally Constans is snared.)
ANDORRA: Constans! Help me!
CONSTANS: I can’t!
RUGGLES: We’re gone! That’s all! Just gone! Gone!
(And just as the Minions seem about to devour the hapless band, another sound is heard. The shouts of heroic, manly voices mix with a trumpet fanfare and then bursting into the forest come the merry band of Jean LeBeau!
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