← Scripts

Faith, on Wry

By Ken Bradbury With music by Roger Wainwright

The Cast Jenna Linda and Roy Richard Carol and Nick Roberta, Fran, & Harold Micah & Ann Helen

Synopsis of Scenes I Stand at the Door and Knock… Jenna The Seventh-Day Stretch …Linda & Roy In the Beginning …..Richard I Stand at the Door and Knock… Jenna The Seventh-Day Stretch .. Linda and Roy In the Beginning … Richard I Stand at the Door and Knock… Jenna In the Beginning … Richard A Bomb in Gilead … Carol and Nick A Joyful Noise … .Roberta, Fran & Harold In the Beginning … Richard The Seventh-Day Stretch …. Linda and Roy Now I Lay Me … Micah & Ann A Joyful Noise … Roberta, Fran & Harold A Bomb in Gilead … Nick

Act II Table Guest … Helen I Stand at the Door and Knock … Jenna, Linda & Roy In the Beginning … Richard & Roberta Now I Lay Me … Micah & Ann A Bomb in Gilead … Nick & Harold In the Beginning … Richard and Fran Table Guest … Helen & Micah A Bomb in Gilead …Nick & Jenna In the Beginning… Richard & Harold Table Guest…. Helen & Micah Alpha & Omega…… Richard, Harold, Linda, Roy, Roberta, Fran, Nick.

Faith: Sliced on Wry Act I

The set is a small room, yet multi-functional as it serves as the setting for various scenes throughout the play. Other accessories may be added or struck as desired, but the changes should be minimal and simple. There is a table at center with two chairs, an entrance and right and left. Upstage center is a window that may be turned during the blackouts, alternately portraying a sunny kitchen window, a stained glass window, and other backdrops as needed. One small table is located against the upstage wall.

The play is a series of blackouts, many related directly and others only by the Holy Spirit. Music of various sorts is played in brief snippets between scenes.

I Stand at the Door and Knock…. (The lights come up to reveal Jenna’s kitchen. No one is onstage.)

JENNA: (Enters, humming the music being played. She is wearing only a slip. She picks up a coffee cup, looks out the window, turns downstage and sees the minister standing in her kitchen.) Oh my God! (she quickly exits left) (speaking from offstage) Reverend Kinsey! I didn’t know….I mean. I didn’t hear… You knocked? Sorry. I had the music on and… Oh God, this is so embarrassing. I’m really sorry. (a silence…she listens to him speaking) No, I’m sorry, really. I should have.. No, don’t be embarrassed. It’s just a slip. I just didn’t know that …you know… you were out there. I uh… I don’t have any other clothes in here. It’s the laundry room, but there’s…you know.. no laundry. No, you don’t have to go. Was there something that…I mean, did you want to talk about something? (listens) Oh. Just a social visit. Well, I’ll bet you never had one like this before. I don’t mean to be rude, but I really can’t …you know…I mean, looking like this. I can’t really come out and…. Sure. Have a seat. (he does) So….(it’s awkward) …How’s ..uh…you know… Uh there’s some coffee…(her hand is seen, pointing) .. right there on the. .. DeCaf? No…sorry, it’s real. (a long, awkward gap) How’s the wife?

--Blackout---

The Seventh Day Stretch (Music under)

(It is Sunday morning in the kitchen of Don and Linda. We are in their kitchen. Roy enters in his undershirt, goes right for the coffee pot, and pours himself a cup.)

LINDA: (offstage) Roy? (Roy drinks.) Roy? (Roy exits right just long enough to grab the Sunday paper) Roy can you hear me? (he plops the paper down on the kitchen table and reads) (Linda enters and stares at him as he continues to read. She is nearly dressed for church.) Why didn’t you answer me?

ROY: Cubs lost.

LINDA: I know that. We watched the game.

ROY: In the paper. It’s official now. (to the paper) You’re losers.

LINDA: Better get ready. We’ve only got twenty minutes.

ROY: Losers.

LINDA: Roy, are you listening to me?

ROY: I can’t believe it. Linda, this is the best team they’re gonna have in my lifetime and they’re still losers.

LINDA: About church.

ROY: Wouldn’t help. Even God couldn’t make a team outa these bums.

LINDA: I mean about us going to church this morning.

ROY: This is Sunday?

LINDA: Yea. It followed Saturday again this week. Who’d a figured? Come on and get ready.

ROY: Not feelin’ too good this morning.

LINDA: That’s because it’s morning. You never feel good in the morning. Now come on, get your shirt on.

ROY: How ‘bout late church?

LINDA: You hate late church.

ROY: I do?

LINDA: You say the music’s too slow.

ROY: It is. But it’s later.

LINDA: The Cubs play at noon today.

ROY: Who cares? They’re bums.

LINDA: Then we’ll go to late church.

ROY: Can’t. I’ll miss the game.

LINDA: For God’s sake, Roy. You’re an elder. You’re an elder in the church. We should go every Sunday.

ROY: Linda, I don’t need to go to church every Sunday. Some of the worst people I know go to church every week.

LINDA: Good. That’s where they should be.

ROY: White Sox fans.

LINDA: Put your shirt on, Roy. It’s early church…you won’t even need a tie.

ROY: I always wear a tie to church. You’ve gotta wear a tie to church.

LINDA: You don’t care if you go to church, but you’re worried about what you wear.

ROY: I’m not worried. (reading something) Yes I am. Zambrano’s pitching today. That settles it. I’m going to church.

LINDA: (beginning to exit to the bedroom) Whatever it takes. Just get ready.

ROY: What if he blows it again today?

LINDA: He’s a good preacher, Roy. Stop knocking him.

ROY: I mean Zambrano. He’s dropped the last two games.

LINDA: We can’t help that, Roy. But we can go to church. Are you getting ready?

ROY: What if it goes into extra innings?

LINDA: Good! That means the Cubbies finally tied somebody.

ROY: I mean church. Preacher gets wound up we’ll miss the first pitch.

LINDA: (entering with Roy’s shirt) Early church never goes over. The cinnamon rolls will get cold. Put this on before I bean you.

ROY: (taking the shirt and putting it on with little enthusiasm) Where’s my tie?

LINDA: Live wild, Roy. Go without a tie.

ROY: I need a tie.

LINDA: Then I’ll get your tie. (she exits)

ROY: Am I ushering today?

LINDA: You ushered last week.

ROY: (a beat, then) How’d I do?

LINDA: (entering with a red necktie) Not everything is a competition, Roy. You held the plate, you passed the plate, you came forward on the Gloria Patria. You were perfect, Roy. The Methodists even sent scouts to watch you usher. Now put your tie on.

ROY: This is a red tie.

LINDA: I know. I just handed it to you.

ROY: Can’t wear a red tie to church.

LINDA: (a beat, then) You’ve got be ….

ROY: (exiting) I’ll go get another one.

LINDA: Why can’t you wear a red tie to church?

ROY: Ask my Dad.

LINDA: He’s dead.

ROY: Then we’ll never know. (entering putting on a blue tie)

LINDA: What are you talking about?

ROY: Dad said you couldn’t wear a red tie to church. That’s all I remember.

LINDA: Your mother buried him in red tie.

ROY: See? I told ya it was a bad idea.

LINDA: He didn’t say a thing. Ready?

ROY: (taking a final sip of coffee) Got the keys?

LINDA: They’re in your pants.

ROY: How’s my tie?

LINDA: Blue.

ROY: Good. (with a bit of impatience) Well come on, I hate walking in late.

--Blackout---

(Solemn organ usic under)

In the Beginning

(The lights come up to reveal Richard in clerical robes, standing in front of the set. Controlled, but transparent anxiety.)

RICHARD: (he stands there for a long moment, waiting for the prelude to end, then) Good morning! (waits for a response…nothing) Good morning! (takes whatever response he gets, smiles and takes off) I welcome you in the name of Jesus Christ the risen Lord. I suppose that every new pastor has to have a first service and this is mine…with you, at least. I uh… I’ve been happy to meet many of you this week at the welcoming reception, three or four committee meetings, then the rest of you at the high school basketball game last night. I mean, some of you were at all of those. I’ve uh… been assigned as your pastor by the district office and I hope, God. (he smiles…nothing) (searches a moment) This is ..you know…an embarrassing way to start, but I seem to have misplaced my bulletin. (indicates his robe) No pockets. (smiles… nothing) But I’m pretty sure that the first order business is a hymn. And I do remember the number! 82! If you’d please stand and turn to number 82. (he begins to move US to his “pulpit”..then notices that nothing is happening) (turns to the organist) Did I get the wrong number? No? It is 82 then? (she answers) But it’s not time for the opening hymn. Oh. What is it time for? Other than maybe a new pastor? (laughs…but apparently no one else does) (sobered) The announcements? Very well, we’ll have the announcements. (he listens..no response) Does ..uh… anyone have any announcements they’d like to make at this time? (hearing the organist again) They’re…they’re printed in the program. Okay. Could ..uh…could someone loan me your bulletin? (gets a bulletin from someone in the front row) Thank you very much. And I mean that. (looking at the bulletin) It was 82. I got that right. (reading) “All the regularly scheduled meetings will be held at their customary times this week.” That was…uh… the announcements. And now… wait a minute… I want to get this one right. Number 82. Turn in your hymnals to hymn number 82. …(nothing, then) Please? (the music cranks up and the lights dim out)

I Stand at the Door and Knock….

JENNA: (Jenna’s kitchen remains empty except for the unseen minister sitting at her breakfast table) Hold it! Hold it a minute. I found something! I think there’s cinnamon roll on the table if you… there. I think that’ll work. (Jenna enters “wearing” a curtain) It’s a curtain. When we bought the house we just threw all the old curtains in the laundry room. I look like Carol Burnett. (tries to awkwardly sit in the other chair without dropping her curtain) Probably the first call you’ve had like this… I know it’s mine. No, no please don’t leave… I mean, we’ve come this far. I mean, we’re already… You know. Tell me you know. (laughs then cries and buries her head in her hands) Oh, I don’t know what I mean and I’ve never been in a situation like this in my life and I’m embarrassed and I hope to God my husband doesn’t talk in right now. (suddenly sobering) You wrote a book once, didn’t you? Don’t put this is a book. Please God, don’t put this in a book. Oh. Of course you wouldn’t. Confessions are privileged, right? Does that count with Protestants? So…uh.. Pastor. I guess we’re ready to talk. I’d fix you some Decaf but I don’t trust my curtain. I’m sorry, but I’ve never had an official clergy visit. The last guy… oh, he was nice and everything…good sermons.. but he didn’t …you know.. visit. Did I mention why I don’t have anything to wear? Yea. We just moved in and everything’s in transit but the clothes on our back and…well…now not even that. So…. was there…you know.. something in particular.. (a long beat as she listens) My ….? My …uh… walk with Christ? (a beat, she looks at herself) You mean right now? ---Blackout----

Music in under….

In the Beginning RICHARD: That was really quite lovely. It’s nice to be in a singing congregation. And I’ve never heard The Old Rugged Cross as a march. (laughs...the organist apparently doesn’t) I’m afraid I still can’t find my bulletin…I …uh…I hope you’re understanding with it being my first Sunday as your pastor. (looks at them…) Or not. Perhaps if one of you could just give me a …oh I don’t know.. a hint as to what’s next. (looks at them… no one is helping him) Or maybe you’ve lost yours, too. Okay, how about the offering? I mean, you can’t go wrong taking up an offering. (a forced laugh) Maybe you can. If the ushers would please come forward we will now take up the offering. (he stares…they stare back) I’m just guessing here, but it’s my guess that it’s not time for the offering. We do things in order, don’t we? (a long beat) Look, perhaps if I just told you something about myself… I mean something that you can’t already tell….

---Blackout--- Music in under….

A Bomb in Gilead CAROLE: (storming in, right behind her son) You did what?

NICK: I just walked out. That’s all. I didn’t make a scene.

CAROLE: You just walked out of church?

NICK: It wasn’t a big deal, Mom.

CAROLE: How can you say that? How can you say that walking out in the middle of church is no big deal?

NICK: They were taking up the offering. Hardly anybody even noticed.

CAROLE: Three people called me to see if you were sick. Of course they noticed!

NICK: I was sick.

CAROLE: (touching his brow) Really?

NICK: (brushing her away) Mom.

CAROLE: Why did you walk out? Just tell me why you walked out and I’ll leave you alone.

NICK: I don’t know. Mom, I haven’t missed church since I was five. Gimme a break. I just didn’t feel like sittin’ there any longer.

CAROLE: Why?

NICK: I don’t know.

CAROLE: Not good enough.

NICK: (exploding) I’m bored! I’m just bored, okay? The whole thing…the…the service, the music, the … the people. My God, Mom…

CAROLE: Nick!

NICK: They’re asleep! Everybody’s asleep! I mean, they’re breathin’ and their eyes are open but ….it’s…..it’s just nothin’! Nothings happening, Mom! Nothing’s happening in the church and nothings happening in me. I just…I sat there listening to the same old music and the same old speeches and ritual and stand up and sit down and do it like we’ve done for a thousand years because that’s the way we like and please don’t bother us with anything new or we might wake up!

CAROLE: (a long beat, then) Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

NICK: (a small laugh, then) I’m sorry.

CAROLE: You know that just infuriates me when you do this.

NICK: It was the first time I ever walked out!

CAROLE: It infuriates me when you make good sense. Why can’t you be like the children on T.V.? … self-centered, spoiled. I just want to shoot them.

NICK: But you’d feel guilty shooting me?

CAROLE: Yea. And I’d have to clean up the mess. I should have gone with you.

NICK: No. That’s a cool arrangement. Dad’ll go one Sunday with you if you’ll stay home one Sunday with him.

CAROLE: I’m a coward.

NICK: You’re a statesman, Mom.

CAROLE: What would you think…now, I’m just talking out loud here. It may be a terrible idea. What would you think if we tried one of those…you know…

NICK: Noisy churches?

CAROLE: Well…yes. One of those places where something happens…where they demand something of you.

NICK: Dad’d never go back.

CAROLE: You suppose?

NICK: I know. He wouldn’t last through the opening prayer. First time somebody shouted “Amen!” behind him and he’d tear a new aisle through the pews. (a long beat) So whatta we do?

CAROLE: Same old?

NICK: (a long beat) I can’t, Mom. I can’t. Not even for …I’m sorry.

CAROLE: Your dad’s faith isn’t your responsibility, Nick.

NICK: It’s yours?

CAROLE: (a beat, then) I’ve got to fix lunch.

NICK: Is it yours?

CAROLE: I’ve somehow convinced myself that….yes, that it is. You think that’s wrong?

NICK: I don’t know. I’m scared of the answer.

CAROLE: Me too. (checks her watch) About ten minutes?

NICK: Yea.

CAROLE: Sorry I was….

NICK: No. That’s okay.

CAROLE: Next time….

NICK: Yea?

CAROLE: The prayer. No one’s looking. Walk out during the prayer. (She exits and the lights dim out…Music up.)

A Joyful Noise

ROBERTA: (a very choirish lady, entering in a holy huff…she wear a choir robe) What am I supposed to do? Would somebody tell me just what I am supposed to do?

FRAN: (entering right on her heals, similarly robed) Bert, just calm down!

ROBERTA: Calm down? Did you see who’s out there?

FRAN: Yes, and I don’t see what difference it makes.

ROBERTA: The Bishop? How many times has the Bishop visited our church, Fran? I mean in your entire lifetime?

FRAN: Once.

ROBERTA: And when was that, Fran?

FRAN: Today.

ROBERTA: And when was he supposed to be here?

FRAN: Next Sunday.

ROBERTA: And just who told me he was coming a week early?

FRAN: No one.

ROBERTA: And why not?

FRAN: Because he’s going to supervise the earthquake relief efforts next week.

ROBERTA: See? And for that he has to come early?

FRAN: It was bad taste, Roberta. Earthquakes just have no sense of propriety these days.

ROBERTA: And now you make fun of me.

FRAN: Let’s just don’t think about. The choir’s ready and we’ll struggle through.

ROBERTA: I shall not. I shall not give this matter another thought. If the Bishop doesn’t like us with only a half hour’s rehearsal, three sopranos golfing in Arizona and a substitute organist who plays too fast and can’t read sharps, then that’s just too bad. I shall put this completely out of my mind! (takes a deep breath, then) I am now the very picture of serenity.

HAROLD: (entering in his choir robe) Holy shoot. The Bishop’s out there! (Roberta lets out a howl of frustration and dismay.)

FRAN: Harold!

HAROLD: What’d I do?

ROBERTA: That’s it! Choir is cancelled!

FRAN: Roberta…

ROBERTA: Church is cancelled!

FRAN: If you’d just…

ROBERTA: God has just left the building!

HAROLD: Did I say something?

FRAN: Forget it, Harold. There’s the prelude…(taking Roberta by the arm and leading her to the door) come on, the others are already out there.

ROBERTA: (stopping) My grandmother started this choir.

FRAN: I know, Roberta.

ROBERTA: My mother made our first robes…

FRAN: Roberta, the prelude is…

ROBERTA: Night after night by the light of the television, she’d sew stitch after tiny stitch…

FRAN: Roberta…

ROBERTA: She only stopped for Ed Sullivan.

HAROLD: Roberta, I think…

ROBERTA: Ed Sullivan! That’s all that would stop my mother’s fingers. Stitch, stitch, stitch…Ed… then stitch, stitch, stitch.

FRAN: They’re motioning for us.

ROBERTA: No Bishop ever came to hear my grandmother…

FRAN: Roberta…

ROBERTA: No Bishop ever heard my mother sing….

FRAN: Please…

ROBERTA: Or saw her tiny stitches… Twelve to an inch! Tell me who gets twelve stitches to the inch any more! The Bishop couldn’t get twelve stitches to the inch if his life depended on it!

FRAN: They just finished the responsive reading. That’s our cue.

ROBERTA: Dad always asked why she’d stop anything so holy just to watch Ed Sullivan.

HAROLD: I’m goin’…. (he leaves)

ROBERTA: Mother said that Ed Sullivan was holy.

FRAN: Bert, we’ve got to go.

ROBERTA: Go head without me, Fran. I see no reason to sing any longer. I’ve lost the will.

FRAN: You sure?

ROBERTA: I’m sure.

FRAN: Okay. (she begins to leave)

ROBERTA: Where are you going?

FRAN: To sing in the choir.

ROBERTA: Without me?

FRAN: Oh come on, Roberta. Somewhere in heaven there’s an organ playing right now…

ROBERTA: In sharps?

FRAN: In sharps. And Bert, your grandmother’s singing first soprano …

ROBERTA: She was an alto…

FRAN: Her voice changed. And she’s looking down on you and she’s so proud that her granddaughter is finally singing for the Bishop. And your mother, she’s got a golden needle and she’s spinning silver threads all through the crowds …and Roberta! Oh my goodness! Roberta!

ROBERTA: Yes! Yes!

FRAN: Leading the choir! Oh, leading that heavenly heavenly choir, Roberta….!

ROBERTA: Yes!

FRAN: Ed Sullivan!

ROBERTA: (in tears) I can see it! I can see it! Praise God Almighty, Fran! I can see it!

HAROLD: (poking his head in) We’re on….

ROBERTA: We’re on! We’re on! Praise God Almighty, right here on our stage!

(Blackout… Music Under…)

RICHARD: (still in front of the pulpit, now sweating through his robes) You know, an hour doesn’t seem that long on paper. (a long beat) I mean, when you consider the entire universe was created in six days, one hour isn’t… you know..  But sometimes it is. (a beat) For today’s scripture I have chosen from the 5th chapter of Matthew. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth..” (a very long beat) I hope.

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~~The Seventh Day Stretch~~~
LINDA:  (entering their kitchen) Roy, you left the door unlocked again.

ROY:  Who’d rob a house during church?

LINDA:  An agnostic burglar. Roy, you’ve got to lock the house. This isn’t the world you grew up in.

ROY:  I know. The sermons are longer. That took forever. We already missed the pre-game show.

LINDA:  Did you hear a word of the sermon?

ROY:  Blessed are the meek. A perfect sermon for a Cubs game.

LINDA:  You thought about baseball all through church?

ROY:  It’s easy. The warm-up, announcing the lineup, opening anthem, then a seventh-inning stretch for the Doxology.

LINDA:  You’re a genius, Roy.

ROY:  Know what? I think the Yankees are the Pharisees.

LINDA:  What are you talking about?

ROY:  I’m making the Bible relevant in the 21st century. Christ and his disciples are the Cubs and the Yankees are Pharisees.

LINDA:  You’re out of your mind.

ROY:  I’m a Cubs fan. It goes with the job.

LINDA:  You want a sandwich for the game?

ROY:  I can’t eat before a game.

LINDA:  Think of it as communion.

ROY:  Think that’d work?

LINDA:  Roy!

ROY:  Whatta we got?

LINDA:  Roast beef from last night.

ROY:  Good. Put on some mustard and horseradish and ….still got the stewed cabbage?

LINDA:  You don’t eat before a game?

ROY:  I’m thinking of Lazarus.

LINDA:  You’re losing me, Roy.

ROY:  Lazarus…resurrection.. the Cubs. It’s all starting to come together.

LINDA:  Roy!

ROY:  I’m not kidding, Linda! I think I’ve got vision!

LINDA:  Horseradish?

ROY:  The Cubs! They’re God’s message to the world that redemption is at hand!

LINDA:  Or the end is near.

ROY:  Oh ye of little faith!

LINDA:  And much roast beef. You want chips?

ROY:  I can’t believe you can talk about food when the world is about to be set on its ear!

LINDA:  It’s Wrigley Field, not Armageddon, Roy.

ROY:  (beginning to exit) The game’s starting.

LINDA:  Want your sandwich now?

ROY:  The last supper! Bring it on, Linda! Bring it on! (he exits)

LINDA:  (looking around) Dern. (shouting off) I forgot to get bread. All I’ve got is one slice.

ROY:  Bring it to me. I’ll divide it and we can feed the neighborhood.

LINDA:  That’s blasphemy, Roy.

ROY:  (from off) I thought it was whole wheat!

LINDA:  Roy!

ROY:  Batter up!

LINDA:  Roy, this is….

ROY:  And there’s the pitch……….!

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~~~Now I Lay Me~~~
MICAH:  (a small girl, entering in her pajamas and holding a Teddy Bear or Dolly. She kneels.) Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and if I die before I wake.. (stops…looks up) But I don’t really want to do that. (bowing her head again) I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and Teddy and everybody in the world…and…and everything. (looking up again) Could I add some other stuff tonight, God? I mean about Mommy. She’s lying and I want you to forgive her.

ANN: (her mother, as the lights come up on her at another place on the stage, also praying) Father, I’m sorry.

MICAH: She doesn’t always tell me the truth.

ANN: I don’t know what to do, Lord. I’m… I’m out of …you know.. options.

MICAH: I know she wants to but she thinks I’m not old enough.

ANN: People tell me, Lord. …they say that things will work out and if I just put my trust in God then everything’s going to be alright, but …I mean I do trust you, Lord. I really do. But then I look at the power bill and Micah’s orthodontist bills and…. I… I don’t know where it’s going to come from.

MICAH:  I can see it in Mommy’s face, God. She’s really, really worried.

ANN: I’m really worried. And I’ve got to keep it from Micah. I mean, what good would it do?  I’m not very good at telling my daughter that she can’t go to her friend’s birthday party because we can’t afford a gift.

MICAH:  She always kisses me goodnight and then goes to bed but last night I could hear her crying. I don’t think she was hurt like a finger or something…maybe it was her heart and I know you can fix those things, so would you?

ANN: (sighs) I won’t give up. (a beat) I’ll never lose faith in you…but.. I really, really need some ..you know…encouragement or something.

MICAH: ‘Cause I know when your heart hurts, it’s real bad. Especially if you’re old.

ANN: I can’t hear anything, Lord. I hope she’s gone to sleep. Look, if nothing else, please…just don’t let her know. Help me to stay strong enough to keep all this from her.

MICAH: Maybe if I just stay happy and pretend that she’s not hurting. You think that would work, God? Just sort of …you know…help me smile a lot and not complain and pick up my room without being told and stuff? Can it just be a secret between you and me?

ANN: Just let it be our secret, Lord?

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~A Joyful Noise~~

ROBERTA:  (entering with Fran, both still robed, and Roberta in an even greater state of huff) Well? Did he like it? What was he doing? Were you looking at him, Fran? I couldn’t look. I just couldn’t bear to look.

FRAN:  He smiled.

ROBERTA:  That’s all? Bishops smile all the time, Fran. Fran, a smile means nothing. They smile at anything. They smile when they remove preachers. The smile when they do funerals. That’s how they get their job, Fran. Their smiles.

FRAN:  He clapped.

ROBERTA:  He started the applause?

FRAN:  Yes, Bert.

ROBERTA:  I was so nervous I didn’t even notice who started it. I thought it was a mistake. Nobody’s clapped in our church since last Easter when the Collin’s kid brought in that rock group! The Bishop actually clapped? That’s like…well,, that’s like God clapping isn’t it?

FRAN:  We sang beautifully, Bert. Ed Sullivan would have loved it.

HAROLD:  (entering, still robed) Hey! That was great!

ROBERTA:  She said the Bishop clapped.

HAROLD:  Yea. Scared the organist to death. He thought he was at a ballgame. I’d never heard (singing the trumpet fanfare) “Ya da da da da da! Charge!” for an offertory.

FRAN:  The Bishop didn’t clap for that.

HAROLD:  I noticed.

FRAN:  But he did it in sharps.

ROBERTA:  Then you think…I mean …you really think everything was okay?

FRAN:  It was better that okay, Bert. It was wonderful.

ROBERTA:  Oh no.

HAROLD:  What?

ROBERTA:  Christmas. How can we top that at Christmas?

FRAN:  It’s the middle of June, Roberta.

ROBERTA:  I know. We barely have time to get ready.

FRAN:  What?

ROBERTA:  You think we need new robes? What if he comes back and we’re wearing the same robes?

HAROLD:  (removing his robe) He may not clap. He’ll probably leave in embarrassment.

FRAN:  You’re no help, Harold. (and they see that Harold was wearing just a Cubs T-shirt under his robe)

ROBERTA:  You wore that under your robe!?

HAROLD:  Yea. I got box seats in twenty minutes.

ROBERTA:  With the Bishop out there you wore a Cubs T-shirt under your choir robe? What if it would have come off?

HAROLD:  Roberta I haven’t thrown off my robe in the middle of church since my sixth-grade Christmas pageant when Loren Mueller stuck hay down my collar because he didn’t get to play Joseph.

ROBERTA:  I can no longer be responsible for the actions of this choir.

FRAN:  Face it, Roberta. We’re a wild and crazy bunch. (taking off her robe)

ROBERTA:  (as Harold’s about to leave) Harold, go out the back way. He might still be out front.

HAROLD:  I can’t walk through my own church?

ROBERTA:  Not today. Besides, you’re parked in back.

HAROLD:  But the cookies are in the front.

ROBERTA:  You’re gaining weight anyway. Go out the back.

FRAN:  Harold, you don’t have to…

HAROLD:  No…no. When the choir director speaks, I listen. (as he leaves) Besides, I’ve got Twinkies in the car. (he is gone)

FRAN:  Roberta, just chill.

ROBERTA:  Responsibility, Fran! The church is losing its sense of responsibility.

FRAN:  And maybe it’s just losing its sense. (exiting) See you Wednesday night.

ROBERTA:  You think I’m being silly, don’t you?

FRAN:  Yes.

ROBERTA:  You could have put that more gently.

FRAN:  Then you would have missed the point. (smiles and leaves)

ROBERTA:  (looking heavenward) I’m trying, Mama. I’m honestly trying. (taking off her robe) But some days…some days I truly wonder if I’m up to the job. (looking out toward the sanctuary) He’s still out there. Maybe he’d like to tell me how much he liked the choir. (And she removes her robe. She is wearing a Cardinal shirt.) (as she leaves) Oh Bishop!

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~A Bomb in Gilead~~
NICK: (sitting alone in a church pew…he stares a short while then yawns..then stands and sings…) “Praise God from whom all blessings flow…praise Him all creatures.. (but he’s again overcome with a yawn and he hums out the rest of the stanza through his yawns.. ) Ya..ya. ya. ya ya ya ya.. Father son and ya ya ya… …-men.” (he sits)
(to himself) I’m trying. I’m trying. (his eyes get very heavy and he begins to nod) (Then, suddenly, his eyes open wide.) Boy, you know what’d be cool. I mean just once. Just once I’d like to see… (jumps up on his pew and shouts) Hey everybody! Let’s boogie! (jumping down and strutting revival-style across the stage) I mean is this the truth you’re listening to or not? I said, Is this the truth or not? Listen to me, people! If you don’t feel better going out that door than coming in, then just what the heck are you doing here? This is not the proctologists, office! It’s the living church of Jesus Christ! Can somebody give me an Amen? Hey! No! Don’t be walking out that door! Somebody shut the doors! Lock the doors! It’s time we all woke up and got serious about this thing we call Faith! Can somebody give me an Amen!
Okay, let’s start with a little game…Let’s call it the Truth Game! Okay, now tell the truth… Let’s make a list of the teachings of Jesus Christ that we just don’t want to follow, that we just can’t follow, and that we have no intention of following! You with me, brethren and sistren? Somebody got a piece of chalk? Never mind…just write it down in your bulletin next to the bake sale and the car wash. Okay, let’s begin. (trumpet sound) Ya ta da da da da daaah! “Sell all that you have and give it to the poor!” Whoa! What a place to start! There go most of us! But wait! Wait! We’re on a roll! “Love your neighbor as yourself!” Look out, Mama! Did you hear what I said! I said to love that person who you really can’t stand…No..don’t look now, because they’re looking right at you. Love THAT person every itsy bitsy teeny weeny little bit as you love the guy wearing your socks right now! Hello Dolly! How about “Turn the other cheek!” No! No! No gossip, no phone calls, no emails, just suck it up and take it, brother! Are we rollin’? I say, Are we rollin’ now? Amen! Halleluiah! Roll on, Lord God Almighty! Roll on! Roll on!

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~~End of Act I~~~

Act I I
The setting is the same.

~~Table Guest~~
(The lights come up to reveal Helen, an elderly lady, sitting at her kitchen table. She has a cup of tea and a muffin on the table in front of her.)

HELEN: (a bit uncomfortable even though she’s alone and this is her kitchen) Uh… I guess I’d might as well bring this up. It’s a….sort of an imposition, I suppose, but I’ve been thinking about his ever since Tom died and ….well, now’s as good a time as any. (a beat) Lord…… I want you to have a seat. (a beat) I know this isn’t exactly the prescribed manner of prayer, but …well, the worst you can do is tell me no. (a beat as she waits and wonders what the response will be, then..) Okay, here’s the deal: Tom and I sat across from each other at this breakfast table for 57 years and…well, I guess this is just about the worst time of the day for me. We ate most lunches and suppers together too, but it seems like once the day is started and I can look out my window and see the world going about its business then things aren’t so bad. But in the morning… Tom and I always got up at five… and the morning’s just about the worst time. Nothing much else going on in the world. And I’d like….well…. I’d like you to just sort of sit down there in the mornings and take his place. (a beat) If you don’t mind. .. I’d like that, Lord. I’d really like that. (she waits… a long moment as she tries to discern whether her request has actually been granted…then, finally she takes a small but relieved breath)  I ..uh… I usually read a little scripture before we eat. (she opens her Bible, flips a page or two, then stops) But … I guess you already know this stuff. Maybe I’ll read a short one for me.. (reading) “Yea, though I walk through the shadow of death I will fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me…” (she cannot go on…she stops and tears well up) I’m…I’m really sorry, Lord. I should have picked another. They read that at Tom’s funeral. I don’t know why I… (her head has gone to into her hands, but she now looks up at the unseen guest at her breakfast table) .. Read on? “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (she closes the Bible) Forever. (a beat) And that includes….(she smiles as He has answered her).. and that includes breakfast. (a beat, then she again smiles and offers him a plate) Toast?

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~I Stand at the Door and Knock~~
JENNA:  (sitting at the table, still in her curtain) You know, if your first meeting with every new member was like this, it would change the tone of your congregation. I guess it’s better than…you know… being ignored. Oh no, you don’t have to go… I mean, we’re already…you know. Oh well. It’s been…uh…really unique talking to you like this, Pastor. (she begins to rise then stops) I think I’ll just stay seated if you don’t mind. It’d be a bad time for my curtains to…you know. (she carefully grabs her curtains and leans forward to shake his hand) Yes. Oh, you’re welcome… and really..  we’ll laugh about this…I’m sure… someday. (waves) Bye. See you in church. (She watches him go.)  I can’t believe this just happened. My first real visit with a minister and I’m wearing a curtain. New church, new preacher, old curtain. (she takes off her curtain and turns to get coffee) I can’t wait to see what…

ROY:  (appearing at the doorway) Anybody home? (Jenna turns…she sees him…he sees her)

JENNA:  Oh!

ROY:  Oh!

LINDA:  (appearing behind Roy) Oh!

ROY:  We gotta go. (he immediately turns and runs into Linda)

LINDA:  Roy!

ROY:  Linda, she’s…

LINDA:  I know. I can see her. (to Jenna) Look, we’re really sorry….(grabs Roy’s arm to exit) …

JENNA:  No. Wait a minute! (grabs the curtain to again cover herself) It’s open house today. (extending her hand) My name’s Jenna.

(Linda and Roy look at Jenna, then at each other, not sure how to proceed here.)

LINDA:  (reaching past Roy and gingerly shaking Jenna’s hand) I’m Linda. This is my husband Roy. Roy? (Roy still does not turn to look at her, but extends his hand backwards, finally finding Jenna’s for a weak shake.) We’re on the church greeting committee and since we just saw the pastor pull out of your drive…

ROY:  Linda!

LINDA:  I mean, he was just here, wasn’t he?

ROY:  Linda, that’s none of our business.

JENNA:  Yes, he had coffee. Decaf.

ROY:  (sighs) Oh boy.

LINDA:  Roy!

JENNA:  Please…have a seat.

ROY:  No!

LINDA:  Look, this doesn’t seem to be a good time.

JENNA:  No…. really. I’ve been having guests all morning.

ROY:  Oh my Lord. Linda, let’s go.

JENNA:  Please. At least stay until we straighten this out.

LINDA:  Well….

ROY:  Linda, she’s not wearing any clothing.

LINDA:  She’s wearing a curtain.

ROY:  She’s what?

JENNA:  It’s an old curtain. We’re redecorating. Could I get you some coffee?

ROY:  No.

LINDA:  Sure.

ROY:  Linda!

LINDA:  There’s got to be an explanation, Roy.

ROY:  I don’t want to hear it.

JENNA:  Please.. we just moved in, our clothing’s coming this afternoon, and I thought I’d get up early and wash the only jeans and sweatshirt I have with me.

LINDA:  And your…

JENNA:  My husband’s a work.

ROY:  What’s he wearing? A rug?

LINDA:  Roy!

JENNA:  Please…just have a seat.

LINDA:  (laughing) You know, this is really funny…I mean, if you think it is.

JENNA:  I’m beginning to warm up to the idea. Please…just sit.

LINDA:  Of course we’ll sit.

ROY:  (heads for the door) I’ll be in the car.

LINDA:  (grabbing him) No, you’ll sit, Roy. (and she moves him into a chair, but he continues to face another direction to avoid looking at Jenna) (to Jenna) And you sit, too. I’ll get the coffee. (as she does so) Look, I’m really sorry…uh…Jenna.

JENNA:  Jenna Marks. (extends her hand)

LINDA:  We’ll shake later. Keep hold of your curtain, girl.

ROY:  (stands and begins to exit) I’m leaving…

LINDA:  Sit, Roy! (he sits)  I am so sorry about this, Jenna. This is all you need on your first day in your new house.

JENNA:  God has a sense of humor.

LINDA:  Roy and I are on the welcoming committee and we thought maybe we could catch you before you….you know…

ROY:  Got dressed. Linda, we need to go.

LINDA:  And leave her here in this mess?

ROY:  I asked for the finance committee…even the worship committee…but you had to sign us up for…

LINDA:  (extending her hand to Jenna) Welcome to First United, Jenna.

JENNA:  (taking her hand and laughing) It’s great to be here.

LINDA:  So what can we do for you? What do you need?

ROY:  Pants.

LINDA:  Shut up, Roy. Roy’s a baseball fan. How about you?

JENNA:  Mike and I are die-hard White Sox…(Roy makes a sickening noise.) uh.. Cardinal….(The pitch of Roy’s pain goes up a notch.) …but are hearts are always with the… (Linda mouth’s “Cubs!”) …Cubbies! Man, we love those Cubbies! (Roy emits a sigh of pure pleasure.)

ROY:  (extending his hand but still not turning to her) Welcome to First United.

LINDA:  Roy, you are impossible.

ROY: Got more coffee?

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~In the Beginning~~

(Richard is alone in his study, taking off his robes. Roberta enters.)

ROBERTA:  Pastor?

RICHARD:  Oh. I’m sorry.

ROBERTA:  Are you busy?

RICHARD:  Uh..no…please. I’m afraid I…..

ROBERTA:  Roberta Reed. I’m the choir director.

RICHARD:  (taking her hand) I don’t believe I’ve…

ROBERTA:  No, this is our first time. Look, I know it’s your first Sunday in the pulpit, and…

RICHARD:  I am so terribly sorry. I mean, what a horrible beginning. I ….I don’t know. I thought I knew the procedures in your church, but…. well, I’m afraid I didn’t make a very good first impression. I mean, the sermon seemed fine, but….

ROBERTA:  I didn’t notice.

RICHARD:  You didn’t?

ROBERTA:  I’m the choir director.

RICHARD:  Yes, you….

ROBERTA:  I suppose you know the Bishop was here.

RICHARD:  I was …acutely aware of that. Painfully aware, I’m afraid.

ROBERTA: So what are we going to do?

RICHARD:  Do?

ROBERTA:  I mean just what are we supposed to do?

RICHARD:  (a long pause…he simply looks at her)

ROBERTA:  Well?

RICHARD:  You didn’t …uh…you didn’t hear any of the sermon?

ROBERTA:  With the Bishop sitting right out front? I barely breathed the whole time. I’m talking about the tempo.

RICHARD:  I’m…I’m completely lost.

ROBERTA:  Tempo. That means the speed of the music.

RICHARD:  Yes, I know the meaning of…

ROBERTA:  Did you hear how fast he was playing?

RICHARD:  The Bishop?

ROBERTA:  The organist.

RICHARD:  No. I’m …I’m afraid I paid no attention to how fast the music went. I was …you know… rather consumed with other things.

ROBERTA:  You know the problem with this church?

RICHARD:  Uh…

ROBERTA:  Nobody listens. Nobody listens!

RICHARD:  (a beat, then) Oh. I suppose so.

ROBERTA:  What?

RICHARD:  I said I suppose so.

ROBERTA:  Yes. I suppose so too. Are you going to be home tonight?

RICHARD:  Uh…yes. I plan to.

ROBERTA:  I’ll call you. (she begins to exit)

RICHARD:  It was nice to meet you…uh…

ROBERTA:  Roberta. You too, Pastor..uh…

RICHARD:  Richard.

ROBERTA:  Yea.

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~~ Now I Lay Me ~~~

ANN: (a long beat, then) I miss daddy very much, Lord. I used to crawl up into his lap and he’d smell like Prince Albert pipe tobacco and I’d bury my head in his work shirt and he’d stroke my hair and everything….everything was alright.
Even if….even if I don’t get the bills paid tomorrow…even if Micah doesn’t have a new dress for Easter…if you could just….. (as she dissolves into tears) I want to crawl up in your lap, Lord. I want to smell Prince Albert and I want to feel the softness of your shirt, and I want to bury my head deep….deep into your chest. I …I just want you to hold me, Lord.

MICAH:  (still on one side of the stage, still dressed for bed and holding her Teddy) I can hear Mommy crying again, God. I don’t want to get bossy or anything, but I asked you to stop it and the Bible says that you’ll answer our prayers so I want it stopped.. Right now if that’s okay.

ANN:  (a beat as she listens) She’s quiet now. I think she’s done praying. Let her go to bed happy tonight, Lord. Let her be smiling. (and Ann begins to smile, her mood more encouraging) She’s healthy and she’s smart and she wants to know just everything in the world. Thank you, Lord. For tonight, I’ll settle for that. I will truly just settle for that. Just let her sleep in peace, Father.
And…forgive my complaining. I know…I know I’m in your hands.. I know. I know. (a beat as she smiles, then) Amen. (begins to exit, then stops.. sniffs) Something’s… (she sniffs again).. cooking? What’d we have for supper? It’s…no, it’s burning… (as she begins to hurry out) My God, something’s … (she stops..sniffs again, smiles, incredulous) Prince Albert?

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~~ A Bomb in Gilead ~~~
NICK: (asleep in his pew, mumbling) And I say, brethren, that unless you love your brother as yourself, you’re a fake! You’re a phony! And you’re no good to Jesus Christ!
(Harold enters with a collection plate. He sees Nick sleeping and talking to himself.) Let’s get real, man! Let’s get real about this or call the whole thing…. (Harold nudges him with the collection plate) (waking a bit) Huh? (Harold looks at him.) Oh. Sorry. Was I…was I talking?

HAROLD:  You were mumbling. During the offering.

NICK:  Oh. Sorry. (begins digging in his pockets for money)

HAROLD:  Naw. Skip it. (he sits down beside Nick) You the kid who left early last week?

NICK:  Yea. Sorry.

HAROLD:  Who’s been sitting back here all hour mumbling to himself and dozing off?

NICK:  I’m really sorry.

HAROLD: Thought so.

NICK:  The..uh.. (looking at the collection plate in Harold’s lap) the collection. They’ll be expecting you to…

HAROLD:  Oh. (looks at the plate, then puts it under the pew) They got enough.

NICK:  What are you doing?

HAROLD:  I just hijacked the collection plate. Wanna make something of it?

NICK:  No. I mean.. but…

HAROLD:  The church used to have a slanted floor. You could sit in this back pew, put a marble on the floor and it’ll be going 60 by the time it crashed against the kneeling rail.

NICK:  You…..?

HAROLD:  How you think I got to be an elder?

NICK:  Wow.

HAROLD:  See that dark spot on the right side of the pulpit?

NICK:  (squinting) Yea.. I’ve been looking at it for years.

HAROLD:  (points his thumb to himself an smirks)

NICK:  You?

HAROLD:  Twelve years old. They were baptizing my baby brother and I didn’t like all the attention he was getting. I kept tugging on my Dad’s coat. He finally had enough, turned around to paddle me, bumped into the preacher who was holding little Richard at the time. My mother thought the preacher was gonna drop him so she made a lunge for the baby, knocked over the candle, candle crashed into pulpit and set the alter cloth on fire. I didn’t see the rest. I was out on the back steps by then getting the walloping of my life.

NICK:  (a beat, then) What happened to Richard?

HAROLD:  He became an accountant. Just goes to show you. You bored?

NICK:  Well….I mean not ….

HAROLD:  You know it’s against the law to lie in church?

NICK:  It is?

HAROLD:  No. But you shouldn’t. You bored?

NICK:  Maybe a little.

HAROLD:  You’re under arrest.

NICK:  Okay, then. A lot. I’m really bored.

HAROLD:  That’s better. My Uncle Filbert never did use his microwave.

NICK:  What?

HAROLD:  You don’t know him. He’s dead.

NICK:  Oh.

HAROLD:  But he never could work the microwave. (Nick looks a him, more than a little bit puzzled) Ask me what I’m talking about.

NICK:  What are you talking about?

HAROLD:  He was…oh…I’d guess about 85 when we gave it to him for Christmas. Aunt Florence had died and he was all alone to cook for himself so we thought we’d buy him a microwave oven for Christmas.

NICK:  (a long, beat, then) And….

HAROLD:  And he never did learn how to use it. It would have saved him time and trouble and he’d have eaten better, but Filbert never did read the instruction book. He kept trying to light the pilot light. Nearly burnt the house down once.

NICK:  Why didn’t he just….?

HAROLD:  I don’t know. Too stubborn… set in his ways. Never wanted anything to change.

NICK:  And…and he died?

HAROLD:  (a beat, then) Hope so. We buried him. (a beat) Without the microwave. What’s your name?

NICK:  Nick.

HAROLD:  Look at there, Nick. We really don’t know any better and we’re too stubborn to try changing things. We’ve got the instruction book but we just don’t quite believe it. They’re not bad folks, Nick. This place … (looking around)… this place has been a comfort for some of them for …what?... 60? 70 years? It’s been the one place where they can come and get away from change. We’ve got the microwave and we’ve got the popcorn. We just can’t quite put ‘em together.

NICK:  That’s funny.

HAROLD:  We think…we think that because God doesn’t change, that we shouldn’t. That’s not a terrible sin…unless you’re….How old are you?

NICK:  Eighteen.

HAROLD:  Unless you’re eighteen..or twelve.

NICK:  You’re smart.

HAROLD:  That’s because I’m old. Old people are really smart. (Nick laughs) Don’t laugh. (Nick sobers) Oh go ahead. That was ridiculous. I don’t even know why I said it.

NICK:  The minister looks confused.

HAROLD:  He’s missing a collection plate.

NICK:  What’re you going to do?

HAROLD:  Ever been to Vegas?

NICK:  What?

HAROLD:  Kidding. (rising and collecting his plate) Now try to act like you didn’t just cause all this.

NICK:  Me?

HAROLD:  You could be in big trouble.

NICK:  But you….

HAROLD:  Remember Richard?

NICK:  The accountant?

HAROLD:  I lied. He went into the ministry. And right now he’s wondering why his brother pulled the old collection plate trick.  See that sack under the pew?

NICK: Yea.

HAROLD: Grab it for me. (Nick quickly retrieves a sack and before he realizes what’s happening, Harold pours the contents of his collection plate into the sack Nick’s holding. Nick is too shocked to move.) He hasn’t seen this trick before. (Harold exits.)

(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~~ In the Beginning ~~~
RICHARD:  (entering his study, cell phone to his ear) No, no, Roberta. I’m listening to you. Really. And I’ve given the matter some thought. I’ve even consulted scripture. The Gloria Patria did seem a bit rushed. No, I agree. Look, I’ve called the organist. He’s a college student just trying to pick up a little extra cash and he didn’t know better. Yes, I found out about the I-Pod in his ear and he promises to go without it next Sunday. Yes, next Sunday. Mrs. Trimble will still be on vacation. Please, Roberta, I think we have the situation under control. No, I promise. Next Sunday I’ll sit on his lap and make him slow down. (he laughs…apparently she doesn’t…she hangs up) Oh my goodness. She took me seriously. (his phone rings again) Pastor Miller. (listens) What? What colors? On the altar? I’m afraid I was so nervous this morning that I didn’t even notice the colors on the… but you did. Of course they’re important. I mean, we can’t have the wrong…uh… colors on the altar. No, no. Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it. Yes, you too. God bless. (they hang up) Colors?

FRAN:  (entering) Pastor?

RICHARD:  Uh…..Mrs…..?

FRAN:  Call me Fran.

RICHARD:  I’m sorry. I’m learning the names as fast as I can.

FRAN:  It’s a wonder you can remember your own. After today, I mean.

RICHARD:  (smiles) It’s….it’s been a baptism by fire, I’m afraid. Uh…Please…have a seat.

FRAN:  (she doesn’t) So…how are you doing?

RICHARD:  (looking around) Oh, it’s quite a comfortable parsonage. I mean, quite nice actually. I couldn’t be happier with it.

FRAN:  (a beat as she stares at him) It’s a dump.

RICHARD:  Huh?

FRAN:  It’s a dump, but it’s clean and the furnace usually works. Our congregation believes in frugality, prudence, and sacrifice.

RICHARD:  That’s commendable.

FRAN:  I mean for our ministers. We’d rather not go through all that ourselves, of course.

RICHARD:  Oh.

FRAN:  How are you doing?

RICHARD:  Well, as I said.. the parsonage is…

FRAN:  You.

RICHARD:  Me?

FRAN:  I know we hardly know each other. I’m an alto and my husband is a Democrat. (he laughs) Good! You laugh! I had a feeling you might be human. Look, I’m not the chairman of any committee and I’m not here on any official business. I am a human being and I had a feeling that you might be of the same persuasion. Oh, sit down. You make me nervous…(they both sit) .. Can we speak frankly?

RICHARD:  Please.. please do.

FRAN:  Good. Saves time. So what’s it like coming into a congregation of 400 feet without stepping on any toes? (he is speechless) You don’t have to answer that. I just wanted you to know that I cared. And no, I’m not a lonely housewife coming on to the minister. I mean, good Lord, just look at me. I’m not built like a flirt. I just thought that after a day at church you might like a little human contact. .. somebody who cared about you instead of the order of worship and the speed of the hymns.

RICHARD:  You’ve…

FRAN:  Roberta’s my best friend. A nutcase, whacko, paranoid loony, but a sweetheart.

RICHARD:  Was she wearing…?

FRAN:  … a Cardinal shirt under her choir robe. It was her mother’s. So… you haven’t answered by question. How are you doing? (he hesitates) It’s okay if you don’t want to answer. I know you’ve got to keep up an unflappable front since you’re the local clergy, but I just wanted you to know that you’re a member of this congregation too, and you matter.

RICHARD:  That’s ..uh… that’s very nice…uh..

FRAN:  Fran.

RICHARD:  Fran. That’s very….very, very nice of you to ask, Fran. I uh…this morning I asked God for many things…and then at the end of my prayer I simply asked for a good friend. Tell you the truth, after what’s occurred today I’d forgotten about the prayer. If you don’t say another thing, you’ve …well, you’ve done a lot just by asking.

FRAN:  That’s a good answer. We don’t know each other well enough to go any further with this, but I’m glad you believed me. That’s the only reason I stopped. (rises) Got supper?

RICHARD:  Oh my yes. The fridge is jammed with casseroles.

FRAN:  Mine’s the broccoli.

RICHARD:  I’ll start with that one.

FRAN:  Don’t. It’s from a box. Roberta’s is the chicken, cheese and peas. She makes it just so she can say the name.

RICHARD:  (laughs)  I like that.

FRAN:  You should. She’s a heck of a cook. (turning to go, then stopping) You mind if I pray for you?

RICHARD:  Of course not.

FRAN:  Good. ‘Cause you couldn’t stop me. Every day, preacher. See, the last two preachers were sort of well…if you’ll pardon my saying so.. unusual….and I had a real good time criticizing them. I guess that’s why they were duds. It’s not gonna happen again. (points at him) I got my bead on you, son. Fair enough?

RICHARD:  Fair enough. (she turns to go) And Fran.. .. thank you.

FRAN:  (giving him thumbs up) Keep the faith. (then realizing what she’s said, she laughs…he laughs)
(Blackout…Music Under…)

~~Table Guest~~
HELEN: (still sitting at her breakfast table) I missed church yesterday. I’ve missed it a lot since… since we went together. And I miss it when I miss it, but…  It’s just so hard, Lord. The thing…I mean, I just never imagined the things I’ve got tied to Tom.. watching the Nightly News and… shopping … Doing the dishes. Dear Lord, it sounds so silly but I haven’t dried a dish in this house for fifty years. I’d wash and he’d dry and we’d talk and.. . I just had no idea. I’ve got no idea…no concept of what I am…who I am apart from Tom. I sound like a soap opera, don’t I? But it’s true. I really….I mean, I’ve really forgotten who I was before I was Tom’s wife. The last time I wasn’t Tom’s wife, I was 18 years old.  I’ve just never been who I am right now… alone.
Somebody will call on the phone…Tom would always answer. The call was nearly always for me but he had to know who it was. Wouldn’t talk more’n a minute and he’d hand the phone to me. I don’t even know how to …how to answer a phone, Lord.
And one more person…and forgive me for this, Lord.. but if just one more person says, “Oh, God has his reasons…” Well, I’d just like to slap ‘em. With the love of the Lord, I mean. They have no idea what they’re talking about, Lord. They just have no idea.
(a beat) And I always loved eating out. Tom and I…we weren’t the sort of couple who’d go to restaurant and sit in silence. Tom used to make a game of guessing how long people had been married by how little they talked in a restaurant.
I went out to eat last week. They gave me a seat back by the kitchen …… I worked crosswords all night.

I’ve been wanting to ask you for something, Lord. I wish that you could… well… be more real. Flesh and blood. I like to see your eyes when I’m talking to you. (a small laugh) I guess if somebody walked in right now they’d think I as crazy.

MICAH: (entering, wearing a coat) Hi.

HELEN: (justifiably startled) Oh my goodness.

MICAH:  Sorry. I knocked but….(looking around) .. are you talking to somebody?

HELEN: Well…yes.

MICAH:  Are you crazy?

HELEN: (laughs) I don’t think so.

MICAH: I’m selling cookies. Could I sit down? My feet are really tired.

HELEN: (and it hits her) Do.. Please, please do.

MICAH:  My name’s Micah. What’s yours? (Helen smiles, looks up, then back at Micah as the lights dim out.)

Blackout…Music Under…)

~~A Bomb in Gilead~~

CAROL: (entering, right on the heels of Nick) You did what?

NICK: Mom!

CAROL: I can’t believe this!

NICK: Mom, it’s not…

CAROL: Then what’s this? (holding a bulging paper sack)

NICK: The church offering.

CAROL: The church offering.

NICK: Only one plate’s worth.

CAROL: (collapsing into a chair) I cannot believe this.

NICK: Mom, I told you. The guy gave it to me.

CAROL: The usher? Some nutty usher dumps his offering plate into this sack and you bring it home with you?

NICK: I was scared, Mom. I went up to him after church and he said, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. Put your money where your mouth is.” Then he walked away.

CAROL: You could go to jail for this.

NICK: Mom, he’s the minister’s brother.

CAROL: That makes him sane?

NICK: I don’t know. He seemed okay.

CAROL: “Put your money where your mouth is?”

NICK: He was talking to me during the offering…about faith and stuff.

CAROL: The usher stopped…ushering…right in the middle of the offertory, started talking to you, stole the collection money and dropped it into your lap. And this is all about faith?

NICK: Weird world, ain’t it, Mom?

CAROL: (getting up) I’m going to call the church.

NICK: Mom…..

CAROL: Nick, if I don’t call them, then they’ll be calling you. I still can’t believe you’d just walk out with it! (she turns her back to dial) I just hope they haven’t called the police. (Harold enters to the doorway)

NICK: (seeing Harold) Mom.

CAROL: I can’t believe they’d let a nut like that take up the offering.

NICK: Mom.

CAROL: Just a minute. (waiting for the phone to ring) Come on. Come on. I wonder if there’s a warrant out on the guy.

NICK: I don’t know. Ask him.

CAROL: Don’t think I wouldn’t like to. People like that should be locked up.

NICK: Put down the phone, Mom.

CAROL: (talking to someone on the other end of the line) Hello? This is…well never mind who it is… Is the ..uh…minister in?

NICK: Mom, I think you’d better hang up.

CAROL: Nick, just be lucky you’re not in jail right now. (into the phone) Reverend Kinsey? This is Nick’s mother. (as she turns to face Nick and Harold) Look, I want to explain…..(she sees Harold) Who are you? (into the phone) No! I know who you are. Who’s he? Who?

NICK: Mom, you’re sounding pretty silly.

CAROL: Could I call you back? I think the police are here.

HAROLD: My name’s Harold.

CAROL: Sergeant Harold.

HAROLD: No. Just Harold.

CAROL: No. Just Harold. Your what? (listens) What? (again) I’ll..uh…I’ll call you back.

HAROLD: Sorry to startle you. Your husband let me in.

CAROL: You’re the….

HAROLD: I’m the nutcase. (extending his hand) Harold Kinsey.

CAROL: (taking his hand) I’m…I’m sorry about….

HAROLD: Was that the reverend?

CAROL: He said…he said to believe whatever you said.

HAROLD: Good. He’s nicer than he used to be. Sorry about the confusion. (to Nick) You got away before I could explain. Found your address in the directory.

CAROL: Why did you…I mean…What’s he supposed to do with the money?

HAROLD: I have no idea.

NICK: Huh?

HAROLD: I like your boy. He tells the truth. He thinks the church just sort of …well, sits on its butt. I thought maybe he’d like to do something about it.

NICK: I am so totally confused. What do I do with it?

HAROLD: That’s between you and God, son. I thought there might be a little..uh… confusion when you got home so I just came by to explain things.

CAROL: Your brother….?

HAROLD: He thinks it’s a great idea.

CAROL: But the trustees…the church treasurer….

HAROLD: Yea, well that’ll take some explaining, but I think it’ll work out real well. Been nice meeting both you. See you in church, Nick. (begins to leave)

NICK: But I still don’t get it. I mean, what am I supposed to…

HAROLD: Quit griping, Nick. Be a part of the solution. (and he exits, leaving Nick and Carol to stare at each other)

~~In The Beginning~~

RICHARD: (on the phone) Please….please listen a minute, Mr. Lowry. The money is safe. Believe me. How much? I have no idea. No one counted it, but it the left side of the sanctuary totaled about seven hundred dollars and the big givers tend to sit on the right. I’d say over a thousand. (reacts) I can hear you, Mr. Lowry. (Roberta enters) Oh. (into the phone) Excuse me a moment. (to Roberta) Yes?

ROBERTA: (handing him a bundle of letters) Here’s the mail. Three bills and one letter.

RICHARD: You uh…you go through the mail? (into the phone) Mr. Lowry, could I call you right back? I have something.. (listens)..Oh. I can’t? (to Roberta) Thank you, Roberta.

ROBERTA: I look for things for the choir director. The last preacher threw them away.

RICHARD: Oh.

ROBERTA: Missed all the sales on Thanksgiving music.

RICHARD: Well, thank you.

ROBERTA: Thanksgiving music’s hard to find. You ever see anything for the choir director, that’s me.

RICHARD: Yes..yes, Roberta. That’s you alright.

ROBERTA: That Fred on phone?

RICHARD: Uh…yes. He…

ROBERTA: He wants to know about the offering.

RICHARD: I…uh..I really need to talk to him.

ROBERTA: Okay. (she stands there)

RICHARD: I mean in private.

ROBERTA: (looks around) Nobody here. (Richard gives her a polite stare.) Oh. You mean me. (begins to leave, then stops) You might want to look at the letter. Quite a surprise.

RICHARD: (finding the letter then inspecting it) It’s…uh…been opened.

ROBERTA: It was addressed to the church. Thought it might be choir business.

RICHARD: (a brief sigh, then) Thank you, Roberta.

ROBERTA: (as she leaves) Tell Fred to pipe down. It’s not his money. (and she is gone)

RICHARD: I’m sorry about that, Mr. Lowry. (opens the letter as he talks…a check falls out onto the floor) Look, I know that what we did wasn’t customary, but I really felt that the Lord was leading me to…Please don’t shout, Mr. Lowry. (he holds the phone away from his ear as he reads the letter..it’s short…then he picks up the envelope as Mr. Lowry continues to talk…Richard can’t believe his eyes.) Mr. Lowry? Mr. Lowry, I think you might want to know about the letter I just opened. Mr. Lowry, if you’d stop shouting for just a moment. Who’s it from? …………………………..God.

~~A Bomb in Gilead~~
(Nick enters the sanctuary carrying the sack of money. Looks around carefully, then kneels.)

NICK: (after a bit) God, this is a lot of money. I mean, for me to be holding. How am I…I mean…what should I….. Shut up and listen? Okay.
(Jenna enters…she does not see Nick at first, then she notices him kneeling and tries to exit quietly) Oh.

JENNA: I’m sorry.

NICK: No. Are you..uh..looking for…?

JENNA: I…I’ve never been in this church before. We’re new to town. Several of your people have stopped by to say hello, so I was driving by and thought…

NICK: You want to see the preacher?

JENNA: Well…not necessarily. I just wanted to …you know, I’m not sure why I stopped. It just seemed…you know..right. You ever have that happen? Something strange happens to you and you don’t know what to do with it?

NICK: (smiles, then laughs) Oh…sorry. But if you only knew. (extends his hand) My name’s Nick.

JENNA: (taking his hand) Jenna. You were ….

NICK: Praying… I sort needed an answer to something.

JENNA: (begins to leave) Look, I’m really sorry.

NICK: Don’t leave. I wasn’t really getting anywhere anyway.

JENNA: Does your church…you know…help people out when they need a hand?

NICK: You in trouble?

JENNA: No. No, I’m fine. But we just moved in and there’s a lady next door. It’s just her and her daughter and I think they need help. We’re strapped for cash right now, but I thought maybe… Look, I’ve taken enough of your time.

NICK: A lady and her daughter?

JENNA: She didn’t ask for anything. Her daughter told me they couldn’t pay their light bill. She’s a very honest little girl.

NICK: There’s probably somebody in the church office. It’s right through that door. I hope they can help.

JENNA: Thanks. I’ll…well, I’ve never done anything this before. I’ll at least introduce myself. (as she leaves) Have a nice..uh…prayer. (stops before she exits) That sounded really dumb. Sorry. Nice to meet you, Nick. (she is gone)

NICK: Cool lady. Okay, Lord…so I’ve got this. … (stops).. Did that just happen?  You gotta be kidding. Hey…uh…what was her name? (stands) Hey lady! (he runs off)

~~In The Beginning~~

Richard is alone in his study, rereading the letter.
HAROLD: (entering) Little brother?

RICHARD: Oh. Hello, Harold. Did you…

HAROLD: Yea. I heard. How much was it? (Richard hands him the check.) Holy cow. And it’s…

RICHARD: To the church. But it’s supposed to remain anonymous.

HAROLD: With my memory, everything’s anonymous. You know her?

RICHARD: She hasn’t been to church since her husband died.

HAROLD: You know this is a miracle, don’t you? We give the offering to that kid and then…

RICHARD: I know it’s a miracle, Harold. Miracles are easy. Explaining miracles. That’s hard.

HAROLD: They don’t need explaining, little brother.

RICHARD: Tell that to the finance committee.

HAROLD: It’ll be a good lesson, Richard.

RICHARD: But I don’t want to teach it. I want things to go…I don’t know… I want things to go smoothly. I’m still in my first week and something like this…She said that God had given her a miracle. She doesn’t go into details…just that she prayed for something and God provided it and she wanted to pass along the blessing.

HAROLD: And it scares you.

RICHARD:  I’m sorry. It’s a wonderful gift and it’s because of what you did with that boy, but most members of this congregation will chalk it up as coincidence.

HAROLD: Poor Moses.

RICHARD: What?

HAROLD: Poor guy. The Red Sea opens and he says, “But wait! My fellow Israelites are never going to believe this. Close it up, Lord! Close it up!”

RICHARD: Harold…

HAROLD: And Daniel wakes up in the den of lions and says, “You know, this is going to be too showy if I survive this…” (opens his arms wide) “Come on, boys! Suppertime!” (he falls to the floor)

RICHARD: Harold, you don’t understand…

HAROLD: Little brother, you don’t understand. You don’t choose to do miracles. You get chosen. I cannot believe that you’re the one who went to seminary, but I’m the one who’s so stinkin’ smart.

RICHARD: The committee’s coming in twenty minutes.

HAROLD: Good. We’ll be gone by then.

RICHARD: What?

HAROLD: You’re going to miss your first committee meeting.

RICHARD: You’re out of your mind!

HAROLD: You know, I should have let them drop you at your baptism.

RICHARD: It’s my first week at this church, Harold! I can’t…

HAROLD: You’ve had an emergency. I already left word with the secretary.

RICHARD: You what?

HAROLD: It could be anything, Richard! The hospital called, the end of the world has just been announced, the copy machine is broken! Anything! I just told her it’s an emergency.

RICHARD: What is it? (Harold hands him two tickets.) Two tickets to the Cubs game?

HAROLD: An emergency. (grabs Richard and begins to move him toward the door) Come on, Reverend.

RICHARD: (stopping) You’re crazy.

HAROLD: I know. I really think they can win today.

RICHARD: Harold!

HAROLD: (confronting him face to face) Look, baby brother, you’ve got the degree, but you still don’t know everything. If you want to see God work, you’ve got to shut up and get out of the way.

RICHARD: At a Cubs game?

HAROLD: You know a better place for a miracle? A Cubs victory makes walking on the water look like Sesame Street. (grabs him again and drags him to the door)

RICHARD: My hat! (Harold reaches into his back pocket, grabs a Cubs hat, slaps it on Richard’s head and they are gone.)

~~Table Guest~~
(Helen’s kitchen. The room is empty for a few moments, then Micah enters.)

MICAH: Hey lady? Mrs? You home? (she looks around a bit) Hey, Mrs. Lady? (looks for something on Helen’s kitchen table. Picks up a pencil and tears off a piece of the newspaper to write upon) (writing) “Dear Lady. I came by to see you because something really good happened and I wanted to tell you. I hope you are okay. I can’t find you anywhere. Love Micah.” (places the note at Helen’s place..rethinks this and places it in a more prominent position…still unsatisfied, she rolls it and sticks it in Helen’s cup.) I hope you’re not dead or anything.

HELEN: (appearing in the doorway) Not yet.

MICAH: (startled) Oh. I’m really sorry.

HELEN: I thought I heard something.

MICAH: I’m really sorry.

HELEN: (moving slowly to her place at the table) Oh no. No. I’m glad it’s you, Micah. And by the way, I’m Helen.

MICAH: You okay?

HELEN: Fine. Just napping. I nap a lot. You do that?

MICAH: Not today. Lady…Helen, you’ll never guess what happened!

HELEN: (sitting) Tell me.

MICAH: This kid. This boy...he came by and he gave Mommy some money.

HELEN: Really?

MICAH: He said God told him to do it and then he left and then we never saw him again. He was like an angel or somethin’. …

HELEN: With wings?

MICAH: Flip-flops. He didn’t have no wings. Just flip-flops. Honest. It was so cool. And Mommy’s crying right now.

HELEN: I’m sorry.

MICAH: No. It’s good crying. ‘Cause you know what? She knows it was God.

HELEN: In flip-flops.

MICAH: Is that cool?

HELEN: (looks at her a long moment) God… Micah, God answers our prayers.

MICAH: I just wanted to tell you. I gotta go check on Mommy. (she turns to leave, then turns and looks at Helen who has tears in her eyes) You want a hug? You sorta look like it.

HELEN: (a long beat, then) That…that would be very nice, Micah. (Micah runs to her and hugs her.) Thank you. Thank you very much. You’re a very good little girl.

MICAH: Well, not all the time, but sometimes.

HELEN: Thanks for the hug. Say Hi to Mommy for me.

MICAH: You gonna be okay?

HELEN: Micah, I have never been better.

MICAH: Okay, one more for the road. (She hugs Helen again, then exits. Helen sits there alone a moment, then looks up.) Flip-flops.

~~Alpha and Omega~~

The pulpit area of the church. The choir enters, robed. The choir: Harold, Roberta, Fran, Linda and Roy. They stand at the rear of the stage. Richard enters wearing his vestments.

RICHARD: (a long beat as he looks at his congregation, then smiles) Well, Week Number Two. Let me begin by explaining my flip-flops. (He raises his vestment slightly to reveal his bare toes.)

ROBERTA: Good Lord.

RICHARD: Yes, he is, Roberta. He is indeed. No, wait a minute. I think we’ll change the order of things a bit today, just to set the stage for what I’m about to say. Let’s take up the offering. (The choir is shocked…except for Harold who smiles.)

ROBERTA: (whispering) The Offering comes later.

RICHARD: Let’s sing it in sharps today.

ROBERTA: Oh no.

HAROLD: Easy, Bert. We’ll survive.

RICHARD: (stares at the unseen organist) The offertory?

ROBERTA: He’s out of order now. He can’t find the organ music.

RICHARD: Accapella then!

ROBERTA: Oh dear heavenly father.

RICHARD: (praying) Oh, dear heavenly father, we come before you now, giving you the raw material for miracles!

ROBERTA: Dear God, what are we going to do?

RICHARD: Dear God, what are we going to do with our offering? That’s totally up to you, Lord.

ROBERTA: I can’t believe…

RICHARD: I can’t believe the wonder of your miraculous love.

HAROLD: Amen!

RICHARD: Amen.

ROBERTA: (to the offstage organist) Gloria Patria! Gloria Patria, quick!

RICHARD: (turning to the choir) Accapella then?

ROBERTA: No!

HAROLD: Somebody got the pitch?

ROBERTA: We do not sign accapella!

HAROLD: Then I’ll start.

ROBERTA: Harold, you don’t have perfect pitch.

HAROLD:  I don’t have any pitch, but the ushers are waiting.

ROBERTA: What do we do?

HAROLD: Pray for a miracle.

NICK: (in the audience, standing and singing)
NICK: Praise God from whom all blessings flow…
Praise Him, all creatures here below…
Praise Him above Ye Heavenly hosts..
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost…

ROBERTA: Who’s that?

ROBERT: An angel.

ROY: Huh?

ROBERT: Somebody better guard the collection plate.

ALL: : Praise God from whom all blessings flow…
Praise Him, all creatures here below…
Praise Him above Ye Heavenly hosts..
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost…Amen!

Faith: Sliced on Wry

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