Phyllis Hoover’s All-Star Summer Broadway All-My-Friends Under the Stars Spectacular
Act I
Never Say Good Luck On Opening Night (as the cast enters, dresses, sets props, frazzled) then…the more formal opening number:
Opening Night
DON: (at the number’s finish….running out and whispering loudly to the light booth) Down! Down!
PERSON IN LIGHT BOOTH: What?
DON: (whispering) Bring the lights down!
PERSON IN LIGHT BOOTH: I can’t hear you!
DON: (shouting) Bring the lights down! (then looks sheepishly at the audience) Hi. Good to see you. Surprised to see you, but….good to see you. Uh…I’m not part of the show. I’m the stage manager. I can’t even sing…
LINDA: (sticking her head out) You’re tellin’ me.
DON: My wife. The one with the….voice.
LINDA: (from backstage) I heard that!
DON: You always do. (to the audience, whispering) She always does. There’s no use whispering.
LINDA: (from backstage) There’s no use whispering.
DON: (smiles, then) This is summer theatre…translated that means work all day, rehearse all night, forget sleeping, try to get a crowd, pacify your spouse…
LINDA: Don!
DON: ..whom you love very much… then finally put on a show that may be rained out for an audience who’s too busy swatting bugs to notice anything you’re doing. You gotta love it. (to the light booth) I don’t suppose you could bring the lights down a little so…(and BOOM.. complete blackout)…(a long beat, then) … that ..uh..that would about do it, I guess. Maybe just a little right here where I’m standing so I can….(and a single spot comes up in another area) (he carefully moves into the lit area) Silly me. Never argue with the woman on lights. She can ruin your show. (the light goes out again) Or make it a huge success! (the lights come up) (a long beat as he sheepishly looks up into the light booth) I love you!
LINDA: (from backstage) Who are you talking to?
DON: (quickly) My mother. (to the audience) Those first two numbers…anybody know what show they came from? (adlibs a little with the audience… “Anybody? Take a guess!” etc.) (if someone gets it right, “Yes! The Producers!” or if you’re playing to an audience of nuns just out of hibernation, then “Okay, I’ll tell you..It’s The Producers!”) Last season’s winner of the most Tony Awards of any show in history. Twelve Tonys! And tonight….tonight we’re gonna bring you some of our favorites that have cleaned out the Tony’s over the years…some you may know and a whole you lot you probably won’t. We’ve got the cast, we’ve got Sangamon County’s finest orchestra…and with a little luck we’ll have some lights….(the lights go out) (a long beat, then to the light booth) I love you. (lights up)
LINDA: (from backstage) Don?!
DON: …Mom. From the first show to win Best Musical, way back in 1949, Kiss Me Kate! (to the orchestra) Hit it, Leona baby! (and the music begins for Another Openin’, Another Show…Don goes to the side area as the singers enter)
Another Openin’ Another Show
DON: (after the cast has exited) And now, from the 1950 hit…..
PHYLLIS: (entering) Fill!
DON: What?
PHYLLIS: We can’t change that fast! Greg has his pants off.
DON: Okay. From Oh Calcutta…..!
PHYLLIS: That’s not funny.
DON: I don’t know. I saw him without his pants before the show and….
PHYLLIS: Don!
DON: (to the audience) This is called snappy banter.
PHYLLIS: Don, you’ve gotta fill.
DON: With what, Phyllis?
PHYLLIS: Use your wits!
LINDA: (appearing) Ha! (and she exits)
PHYLLIS: Anything..just give us a minute. (and she exits)
DON: (a very long beat as Don slowly turns to the audience…smiles his sheepish smile…then gets a thought, takes a paper out of his pocket and runs to the orchestra, handing Leona the paper.. she takes it…looks at him..he motions for her to play… Leona hits an arpeggio as Don hurries into a spot…then sings) Memory…all alone in the moonlight….
LEIGH ANN: (entering) Stop!
DON: What?
LEIGH ANN: Don’t sing that song.
DON: I’m just trying to….
LEIGH ANN: Phyllis hates that song. It makes her crazy.
DON: Phyllis makes me crazy! And it’s a good song.
LEIGH ANN: She says it gives her hairballs in her throat. Don, she’s the director. Don’t get her hacked off.
DON: What am I supposed to….?
LEIGH ANN: Sing something else.
DON: But…(but she is gone)… (he pulls another paper from his pocket, runs to Leona, motions for her to play, she hits an arpeggio, he hits his spot) Climb every mountain….
TAMARA: (entering) Who’s singing?
DON: (giving up) The singing nun.
TAMARA: Didn’t they tell you?
DON: Tell me what?
TAMARA: We can’t do anything from the Sound of Music.
DON: Oh come on now!
TAMARA: Phyllis can’t stand the show.
DON: Why not?
TAMARA: I think she’s diabetic. When she gets close to anything that sweet she starts to shake.
DON: I give up.
TAMARA: You wanna give ‘em their money back?
DON: I’m just the stage manager!
TAMARA: No cats, no nuns. (and she exits)
DON: No kiddin’. (turns to the audience) You know…maybe this is just the break I’ve been looking for. (taking a sheaf of papers from his pocket) Not many people know it, but I write poetry. Since we’ve got a minute…
LINDA: (entering) Don’t even think about it!
DON: Linda!
LINDA: (to the audience) His poetry’s worse than his singing…
DON: Linda!
LINDA: (to Leona) Hit it, Leona! (and Leona begins the fanfare intro to Fugue)
DON: (shouting over the intro) From the 1951 Tony Winner …And the movie starring Marlin Brando…
LINDA: He couldn’t sing either!
DON: Guys and Dolls
Fugue for Tinhorns…….
DON: (entering as the orchestra begins the Guys and Dolls intro) I love that show. It ran for 1200 performances on Broadway then there was the movie and a1976 revival. Frank Loesser wrote the music but they went through 11 different lyricists until somebody said, “Hey, let’s make it a comedy!” and they hired a guy with no theatre experience at all, Abe Burrows. See! Who needs experience? (the orchestra stops dead and looks at Don)
GARY: (a beat, then) You do.
DON: (a weak smile, then) Guys and Dolls.
Guys and Dolls
DON: You ever heard of Sweet Charity? You know, there’s nothin’ I like more than a show about (directing this offstage) a poor schmuck who lets everyone take advantage of them.
PHYLLIS: (entering) Do we have a problem, Don?
DON: I was..uh..just introducing the Sweet Charity number.
PHYLLIS: Then introduce it. (she exits)
DON: (mimicking her) “Then introduce it.” (to the audience) Mama’s, don’t let your babies grow up to be a stage manager. (the musical intro to Big Spender begins) Nominated for 12 Tonys, 3 Oscars, and four more Tony’s in revival, the 1966 classic, Sweet Charity! (and the girls enter to sing the song to Don…wearing him out in the process…not a huge process considering his age and condition)
Big Spender
DON: (as he’s left breathless from their fawning and pawing) You know, I could grow to love this business. I mean it. The lights, the music, the heartache and romance…and especially…the girls. In fact, sometimes the most beautiful girls are in the audience. (he moves to a youngish lady in the crowd) Ever thought of being onstage, sweetheart? (whispering to the lady) My wife was in that last number and I know she’s changing costumes right now.
LINDA: (backstage) Who’s he talking to now?
DON: Change your dress, sweetheart! I find my Aunt Maude in the audience. (looking at the lady) And Maude, you are lookin’ good, honey. Haven’t I seen you onstage somewhere?
PHYLLIS: (appearing) What are you doing?
DON: I’m just warming up the audience.
PHYLLIS: You’re supposed to be a stage manager, Don.
DON: I’d say I’m managing pretty well. (to the lady) Right Maude?
PHYLLIS: We’ve got another fast change. The girls aren’t ready.
DON: This one is.
PHYLLIS: Look, just add something, okay? We need two more minutes. (she exits)
DON: Add something? (looks over the crowd) Okay.. (to another woman) .. I’ll add you. (as he moves the two ladies toward the stage…and it might be safe to check out their willingness ahead of time….Don may need to adlib a little here, depending on their positioning in the audience and the disposition of their husbands) Come on, my dears! This is the chance of a lifetime!
LINDA: (backstage) What’s he doing?
DON: A family reunion, my dear! A family reunion! (to the ladies) Watch your step now, Aunt Maude. You too, cousin Emily. (to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, the next big stars of Theatre in the Park, Maude and Emily! And now, from 1979 winner of eight Tony awards…
TONY: (running on) My girls aren’t ready.
DON: Don’t worry. Mine are. Right Maude? The Stephen Sondheim hit, Pretty Women! (the intro to Pretty Women begins as Tom enters to join Tony, they see the two women that Don has produced, figure What the Heck? and sign their song to the ladies.)
Pretty Women (somewhere during the song, two female cast members enter hurriedly, see that their spot has been taken, get miffed and steam off)
DON: (taking the two audience ladies back to their seats) Lovely, ladies! Just lovely! And remember, if you ever need somebody to manage your stage…. Just ask for Don.. the cute little guy with the winning smile and amazingly youthful physique. (to the audience) It seems like every ten years or so, someone proclaims that the glory of Broadway is past…ticket sales droop, new shows flop…then something happens…something that only American Theatre can produce… In 1996 just such a show came along. (intro to I’ll Cover You begins) Jonathan Larson had watched in horror as so many of his friends were struck down with AIDS, and he wrote a show, loosely based on Puccini’s La Boheme. Broadway was shocked when Larson died unexpectedly of an aneurysm on the night of the show’s final preview but the show went on to win the Pulitzer Prize for Drama, the Obie Award, the New York Drama Critics Circle, four Tony’s and three Drama Desk Awards….and the world of Broadway was given a beautiful shot in the arm ….called Rent.
I’ll Cover You
(Greg and Phyllis leave the stage, the lights change..but nothing happens.. silence.)
RICK: (entering, looking around, then) Don? (nothing) Don?
DON: (his voice) Yea Rick?
RICK: (again, looking around…Don’s nowhere to be seen) Where are you?
DON: I’m up here in the light booth.
RICK: Why?
DON: It’s air conditioned up here.
RICK: You’re the stage manager, Don!
DON: Yea. And I can see the whole stage from up here. You’re about four inches tall, Rick.
RICK: Don! Don’t mess with a red-headed director.
DON: You know how many bald guys we’ve got in the audience tonight? I never noticed ‘til I got up here.
RICK: Get down here!
DON: I’m not coming down ‘til I get some respect.
LINDA: (entering) Then I hope you brought your lunch and a change of clothes.
DON: I’ve always wanted to do this. (BLACKOUT)
LINDA: Really funny, Don. Now introduce the next number.
DON: Did I hear you say “please?”
LINDA: You’re gonna hear me say “goodbye” if you don’t get down from there!
RICK: (running off) I’ll go get Phyllis. (LIGHTS UP)
DON: Sticks and stones may break my bones….
LINDA: You wanna stick? I’ll give you a stick! (and she dashes up through the audience toward the light booth in a rage)
DON: (quickly and with a bit of well-justified fear) Uh…from the 1977 hit…
LINDA: …Somebody grab him ‘til I get there!
DON: (again, in desperation) …the winner of the Tony for best musical, best actor, best actress, director, book, score….
LINDA: (still enroute) … cut off his microphone!
DON: …scenic and costume design…..Annie!
(the intro to Easy Street begins and under the music we hear) (DON: Linda, let go! Linda, that really hurts)
Easy Street
DON: (entering with some sort of bandage somewhere on his body, the choice being up to Linda….now contrite and looking a bit cowed) (he reads from a note) “I have been asked to announce that the purpose of a stage manager is to call the cues, warn the cast, make sure that all necessary props are in place and….. and keep the show running smoothly. To that end I hereby promise to stop making a fool of myself.” (Don gives a look to the audience that’s designed to illicit extreme sympathy bordering on pathos) “The next number is one of the most beautiful ballads from the 1991 hit, and winner of the Tony award for best book, best scenic design, and featured actress. Here are Rick and Tony…” (sadly) without me… “from The Secret Garden.”
LILY’S EYES
DON: (again entering contritely and duly chastised) (reading) “The next number is from the Tony Award winner for Best Musical of 1971…”
PHYLLIS: (entering) What are you doing?
DON: I’m just reading what you gave me.
PHYLLIS: But it’s so….I don’t know…dull. What’s happened to you?
DON: Bob Crowe is my acting coach. (or substitute a well-known actor in the audience)
PHYLLIS: Funny. Come on, Don… the intermission’s coming up. We’ve gotta hit a peak!
DON: You mean I can add my own stuff again?
PHYLLIS: Your own stuff?
LINDA: (entering) Don’t worry, there’s no danger. I’ve seen his stuff.
PHYLLIS: Just give us a big build up, okay? This is one of my favorites….(Linda exits)
DON: Big build up?
PHYLLIS: Big build up. (she exits)
DON: Big build up…(he hits a dramatic pose that would raise the Booth brothers right out of their grave, the lights change, Leona hits a low and dangerous roll on the piano accompanied by a flourish of drums..Don strides across the stage in a mock Shakespearean swagger, then stops) Fair Leona!
LEONA: Yes, your Highness!
DON: Number six!
LEONA: Six?
DON: Six!
LEONA: Yon Phyllis ain’t gonna like this.
DON: Do not protest! This is the big Build Up the auburn-haired vixen doth implore me for! Number….Six! (Leona hits an arpeggio and Don begins to sing…) Memory!… All alone in the moonlight!
PHYLLIS: (runs onstage, enraged, followed closely by LieghAnn & Tamera who hold her back as they begin to sing…)
You Could Drive A Person Crazy! (during the song, Don makes his escape)
DON: (entering up a vom or around the corner of one of the upper platforms) Is she gone?
PHYLLIS: (offstage) Where’d he go?
DON: I better make this quick…(the musical vamp to Man of La Mancha begins under) One of my all-time favorites… A five-time Tony winner including best musical of 1966… the story of a man who fights for what is noble and true and pure in this world of villains and scoundrels and ….coldhearted directors!
PHYLLIS: (offstage) What’d he say?
DON: The Man…..of La Mancha!
Man of La Mancha
DON: (entering singing and doing a little Flamenco) “I am I, Don Quixote, the Lord of La Mancha, my destiny calls and I go….” Don’t we all want to play the great parts? (checking his watch) It’s almost time for popcorn, Pepsi, and a pee but before we take a break, let me tell you about Carlotta Campion. You’ll find her in Stephen Sonheim’s Follies… (orchestra begins the opening vamp for I’m Still Here as Linda enters to a separate area) Carlotta’s been through it all..a singer, a dancer, good times and bad.. this classic of the American musical theatre has been played by the greats of Show Biz… Yvonne De Carlo, Nancy Walker, Carol Burnett, Shirley MacLaine, Ann Miller..and tonight…by my personal favorite…my wife Linda.
I’m Still Here
--------Intermission--------
Act II
Willkommen
DON: Cabaret! 8 Tony’s in 67 and another four in 98’s revival, and now, the lovely LeighAnn Smith!
Never Go Back to Before
DON: (entering) Okay…who can name that show! (they do or they don’t…if not, done names it for them.. “Ragtime! ..just one of those little-known shows with great music.”) You know what might be fun? How about we take a little poll? Let’s see what your all-time favorite musicals are? Okay? Then we’ll see of the band can play the music and we’ll really surprise the actors backstage when they hear the musical cue.
GARY: Hey wait a minute!
DON: Yes, maestro?
GARY: What’re you doing?
DON: Stump the band.
GARY: I got another game.
DON: Yea?
GARY: Shoot the stage manager.
DON: Come on, Gary! Where’s your sense of fun? Adventure? (to the audience) Okay, who wants to start? We put this show together from a list of our favorites so what are yours? (to an audience member) How about you? What’s your favorite Broadway show? (gets an answer…Don adlibs his answer) And how about you? (again…and again he applauds the person’s choice) .. and what’s your favorite? (turning to the band) Okay Gary, you’ve got a choice of ________, ____________ or ___________. Whatta ya think? Hey wait a minute! Anybody like CATS?
PHYLLIS: (appearing) Don!!!!!!!!
LINDA: (appearing) Don, would you stop that? What do you think you’re doing?
DON: Just tryin’ to keep you guys on your toes.
LINDA: (indicating Phyllis) Would you look at her face?
DON: (seeing that he’s in deep doo-doo) Uh…a vision of loveliness. (quickly trying to get himself out of it) Linda..what’s your favorite show? Quick. And..uh..make it something Phyllis likes.
LINDA: I’ll let you guess.
DON: Uh-oh.
LINDA: It was a play in 1926, then Fred Ebb and Bob Fosse turned it into a musical in ’75 with Gwen Verdon, Chita Rivera, and Jerry Orbach.
DON: Law and Order.
LINDA: Then they revived it in 97 with choreography by Ann Reinking and it went on to win 6 Tonys.
DON: That’s easy! Chicago!
LINDA: Very good, Donnie boy. Now tell me..what’s the plot.
DON: It’s the story about Roxy Hart, a chorus girl who…(then it hits him).. gets arrested then manages to avoid prison with the help of a razzle-dazzle lawyer named Billy Flynn.
LINDA: I why was she arrested, Don?
DON: She..uh…murdered her husband. (and the intro to All I Care About Is Love comes in under)
LINDA: Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the silver-toned voice the courtroom, the one, the only, Mr. Billy Flynn.
All I Care About is Love
DON: And now, the Merry Murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of the Jail Block Tango!
He Had it Coming
DON: Poor Chicago. One of the greatest shows in musical history but, like the fine ladies in the Cook county jail, it had a bit of bad fortune. Although it ran for 898 performances when it opening in ’75, there was this other “little” thing down the street. Chicago didn’t win a single Tony that year because it came up against this same little show 11 times…and lost every time. Maybe you’ve heard of it…A Chorus Line.
At the Ballet
DON: (running on with excitement, rubbing his hands, spastic to the point of peeing his pants) Oh Boy, oh boy! Here’s the number I’ve been waiting for! You talk about a wham bang show! I mean this one had everything! It won Tony’s for Best Featured Actor and Actress when it premiered on Broadway in 1979 and it’s about the rip-roarin’-est show you ever saw…that is, if you saw it. Not too many folks around here have seen it. You see, it’s subject matter is just a little bit…well, let me give you a hint. It’s called The Best Little…..
LEONA: Don!
DON: Leona, I’m introducing a song!
LEONA: I know what you’re doing. But you can’t say the title.
DON: Why not?
LEONA: I won’t allow it. I’m Methodist.
DON: But it just The Best Little…
LEONA: AND I’m the piano player! Come here. (Don is perplexed) I said Come Here! (he X’s to her as she writes out a note then hands it to him)
DON: (looks at the note then) You’ve gotta be kidding!
LEONA: You wanna do a musical without a piano player?
DON: Oh geesh. Ladies and Gentlemen.. this next numbers from The Best Little “Warehouse” in Texas. (he turns to look at Leona, she smiles approvingly) You see, a lady in Texas has these girls….
LEONA: Clerks.
DON: Uh..clerks..who live in this…
LEONA: Warehouse.
DON: Warehouse. A nice little family show. Sort of like Old Yeller with garters. (getting back his enthusiasm) And this number’s my favorite.. you see, this crooked politician…
TOM: (entering) Hold it! Hold it!
DON: Now what? (Tom hands him a note, Don reads) “I Tom Heintzelman, disassociate myself from any song about politicians.” He works for the state. (Tom smiles and exits) Okay, this crooked politician….
RICK: (entering) Wait a minute!
DON: Oh good grief! (Rick hands him a note) “This is not my idea to do a show about crooked politicians. Rick Weaver, Illinois State Police.”
RICK: Sorry Don, I like my job. (he exits)
DON: I better make this quick. Okay, this crooked politician…
LEIGH ANN: (entering with Phyllis) Hold it, Donnie boy!
DON: Would you just let me finish?
PHYLLIS: No. (hands him her note as does Leigh Ann, Don reads) “We also work for the state and want to state that this entire number is Don’s idea. Signed Phyllis Hoover, Department of Human Services and Leigh Ann Smith, State Board of Education.”
DON: Look! We’ll just make it an instrumental, okay? I’ll tell the audience the lyrics and the orchestra can play….
GARY: Uh..Don?
DON: What?! (Gary hands him a note) “No dice. Gary Davis, Illinois Department of Public Audit.” (sorry..I forgot the real name) Then who’s supposed to do this number? Nobody’s left!
DARRIN: (poking his head in) Yoo-hoo!
DON: Darrin, not you too!
DARRIN: Clear the stage, boys and girls. I work for…..Hostess! (and the band begins the intro to Sidestep) Yes! From the Best Little Warehouse in Texas! “The Sidestep!”
Sidestep
DON: (coming down the aisle, he appears near the ladies he talked to in Act I) So how’d you like that? Not bad for a warehouse worker. Look, I’ve been taking an informal poll of the audience and most folks I’ve talked to think I should have more stage time. Whatta you think? Just look at this profile!
LINDA: (entering) Don, what are you doing?
DON: Warming up the crowd, my dear.
LINDA: She looks plenty warm to me. Come on, we’ve got the Les Miz number next.
DON: Linda..I hate to bring up our dirty laundry in public, but do you realize I’m the stage manager of this show?
LINDA: Yes, dearest.
DON: So I’m the one who calls the shots.
LINDA: On stage anyway.
DON: I..(it hits him, then) … Just so we’ve got things straight, sweetheart.
LINDA: What’s your point?
DON: These folks want to see more of me.
LINDA: Don, anyone who’s seen as much of you as I have, doesn’t want to see more.
DON: Come on, sweetheart! All I’ve done all night is fill and take up space.
LINDA: Yea. You’d might as well be home. Come on, Tony’s ready for our number.
DON: No he’s not.
LINDA: How do you know?
DON: Because I hid his costume.
LINDA: No way. (Tony enters in boxers…Linda sees him) Don! (Tony exits, much to the relief of the audience)
DON: (playing the audience) Okay, who wants to see me do a number? Come on! Come on! (begins to applaud for himself) Let’s hear for me! (adlibs, getting them to respond)
LINDA: (finally) Don, that’s a cheap trick!
DON: The people!!!!….Have spoken! (and the musical intro to Master of the House comes in under) Tavern wench! Wine for my friends.
LINDA: Oh dear God!
Master of the House
RICK: (entering) By the way, Don and Linda met during _________ at the Muni back in _______ and it’s been a love affair ever since.
LINDA: (offstage) Are you happy now?
DON: (offstage) You stepped on my lyric!
LINDA: (offstage) I’m gonna step on more than that if…
RICK: Your microphones are live!
LINDA: (whispering offstage) Way to go, lamebrain.
DON: (whispering offstage) Linda, let go! That hurts!
RICK: Speaking of Charlemagne… (a long beat, then) Sorry. The State Police aren’t known for smooth transitions. Speaking of Charlemagne. One of the strangest stories ever told on Broadway was that of Charlemagne’s son, Pippin and his quest to find his true calling in life. After trying war, politics, marriage and then considering suicide…
DON: (entering) See! See what I mean!
LINDA: (entering) Down boy. Down! (the happy couple exit)
RICK: Charlemagne turns to the one true friend his has left. His dear old Grandma. (the band breaks out into tears) That’s why they’re in the orchestra. Too subtle.
LEONA: Wait a minute!
RICK: Yes M’am?
LEONA: I happen to be a Grandmother and that is not funny.
RICK: Sorry Leona, I was just setting up the song.
LEONA: Do you think it’s funny turning…uh…fifty? You think this gray hair means I don’t have what it takes?
RICK: Look, I never said….
LEONA: (coming out of the orchestra) Somebody get me a piano player! (and a pianist rushes on to take her place at the keyboard) I would like to first announce that the lady who played this part on Broadway, Irene Ryan…or you may know her as Granny Clampett, died while doing this role… so I intend to take it easy. Hit it boys!
In No Time At All
RICK: Oh Leona-honey, the things you do to me!
LEONA: That was just the teaser, honey.
RICK: But speaking of Charlemagne… (a beat) poor Pippin…(the musical intro to Corner of the Sky begins as soon as Leona can get settled down…sorry Leona, no rest for the talented)… Poor lonely Pippin is left wondering what he’s meant to be. Ladies and gentlemen, the star of (reading from a note) “Abraham, playing at Theatre in the Park on July 19-28, written by Bob Crowe and Ken Bradbury who will be presenting his Coonridge Devotions tomorrow night..”…I can’t believe the things we’ve gotta do to get a script written…Springfield’s favorite banker, Greg Floyd!
Corner of the Sky
DON: (entering, ruefully, singing to himself) “Rivers belong where they can ramble…eagles belong where they can fly…But when you’re not a star, makes you wonder who you are…Got to find my corner of the sky.” You know, the evening’s about over and here I am…a stage hand…(moody, wistful music comes in under…make it as schmaltzy as possible, Leona) ..under-appreciated, overlooked, neglected…even though they’d be nothing without us, they barely acknowledge our existence.. (other members of the cast begin to enter..this time with a bit more sympathy, this time truly moved by this display of heart-wrenching over-acting) The little man…the little lady behind the scenes.. she runs the lights, he moves the scenery..he puts the iridescent glow of magic on the face of the lady in the spotlight..he stands quietly in the mute shadows as the leading player bows to the appreciation of millions. (with a sudden surge of intense pathos as his melodramatic musical underscore responds with sickening vigor…damn, now that’s a stage direction!) Night after night you dream that Impossible Dream that Some Enchanted Evening you’ll look across a crowded room in hopes of seeing a Bright Golden Haze on the Meadow and know that the Hills are Alive with the Sound of your Music (Phyllis groans but he ignores it and plunges onward)… and even though you may Try to Remember that On a Clear Day You Can See Forever, When You Walk Through a Storm and try to Keep Your Head Up High, you go from Sunrise to Sunset trying to Whistle a Happy Tune, all the time knowing that Anything They Can Do, I Can Do Better, and that Everything Would Be Coming Up Roses if they’d Only Let Me Entertain You! (big finish, then long beat to allow for tumultuous applause)
PHYLLIS: (gingerly X’ing to Don) I’m…I’m sorry, Don. I had no idea.
DON: They never do. (music intro to “My Way”).. they never do, Phyllis. (singing) “Regrets, I’ve had a few.. but than again…to few to mention…(Phyllis begins to sob).. I did what I had to do…and did it all..without exception…” (spoken) And all I have left is (exploding in song) “Memories! All alone in the moonlight!” (Phyllis too explodes, but with rage as she charges toward him and is physically restrained by other cast members) Hold her! Hold her!
PHYLLIS: Don!!!!
DON: Sorry! Sorry! I lost my head!
PHYLLIS: You’ve just ruined the entire show!
DON: I thought the first couple numbers were pretty good.
LINDA: Don! (motions to zip his lip)
PHYLLIS: (collapsing a bit) We’ve worked so hard on this.
LINDA: Way to go, Speed.
DON: This is a great show, Phyllis! It’s American Musical Theatre! It’s the Great White Way! (perhaps a strain of Stouthearted Men might be nice here, Leona) It’s the Amazing Invalid! It’s…It’s Broadway, Baby! (and Don begins…) With a Little bit of Luck(that’s not a critique, Don, it’s the name of the song.. I really do think you can sing it.) (Segue directly into ….)
Thank you for the music
DON: That was from ABBA’s Mama Mia. (noticing the gals in the audience whom he talked to earlier) And speaking of Mama Mia….it has been a pleasure getting to know you folks tonight.
LINDA: Don. We’re almost done.
DON: I’m just gettin’ started.
LINDA: And I have the car keys.
DON: Oh. And I decide how we end the show.
PHYLLIS: Says who?
DON: Says me…(taking a little black thing from his coat)…and my little friend here.
GREG: What’s that? (you got a line, Greg!)
DON: I’ve had about enough of this cast treating me like dirt. It’s time I got a little respect.
PHYLLIS: What’s the gadget?
LINDA: His pacemaker.
DON: Oh ho, my wife is SO funny. It just so happens that at intermission I played with the stage lights. Can you spell “remote control?”
RICK: That’s impossible.
DON: Really? Watch this. (and bang, the lights go out…the sound of pandemonium onstage) (the following in the dark) PHYLLIS: Jamie! Turn the lights on! And then call somebody to haul this idiot away!
DON: Ah..ah…don’t speak harshly of the man with his finger on the button.
LINDA: Come on, Don. All we’ve got left are the curtain calls.
DON: Go ahead and bow. See who applauds.
PHYLLIS: Somebody give me a stick and tell me where he’s standing.
DON: You want lights, you gotta take orders from me.
PHYLLIS: What’re you talking about?
DON: You want lights?
PHYLLIS: Of course I want lights!
DON: Then you gotta do what I say.
PHYLLIS: Anything! Just turn the lights on or we’re gonna be here all night.
DON: Here…here are your instructions, madam director.
LEIGH ANN: Oh..! That tickles!
DON: Sorry. I thought you were Phyllis. (hands her something) Here. (turns on a small flashlight and points it at the paper she’s holding)
PHYLLIS: No way!
DON: No light!
PHYLLIS: Okay!
DON: Leona! Arpeggio! (Leona hits an arpeggio and Phyllis begins to sing, angrily)
PHYLLIS:
Midnight, not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory She is smiling alone In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind begins to moan Memory, all alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then I remember a time I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again Every streetlamp seems to beat a fatalistic warning Someone mutters in the streetlamp gutters And soon it will be morning Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise I must think of a new life And I musn't give in When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too And a new day will begin Burnt-out ends of smoky days The stale, cold smell of morning The streetlamp dies Another night is over Another day is dawning
DON: Ladies and Gentlemen! Tonight’s cast! (and the lights come up, revealing the cast taking their bows and Phyllis absolutely having kittens as she sings)
Linda Schneider!
Leigh Ann Smith!
PHYLLIS: (stops singing) I can’t do this! (Don turns the lights off) Okay! Okay! (and she resumes as the lights come up)
Tamara Turner!
Darin Harms!
Greg Floyd!
Rick Weaver!
Tony Majewski!
Tom Heintzelman!
GREG: (that makes two!) Our favorite stage manager, Don Schneider!
DON: And the lovely director of our show! Phyllis Hoover! (she stops singing as the music swells and she bows..then a cast bow)
(segue to…)
Goodbye
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