← Scripts

RICH: And for some reason, jokes about religion are hilarious. . .

GARY: Especially if they’re about the other guy’s religion.

RICH: So in an effort tonight not to offend any group in particular, we’ll offend them all.

LAURIE: Smooth move, Richard.

BRUCE: St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates greeting newcomers when a group of Illinois politicians show up. He’s never seen Rauner or Madigan at the Pearly Gates so he goes to God and asks. .

GARY: What am I supposed to do?

JEFF: Go let them in.

BRUCE: A few minutes later he returns.

GARY: They’re gone!

JEFF: Who, the politicians?

GARY: No, the Pearly Gates!

LAURIE: What does your daddy do for a living?

KATIE: My daddy’s dead.

LAURIE: What did he do before he died?

KATIE: He sort of clutched his chest and fell over.

RICH: And you thought I had bad taste? Okay. . .An engineer dies and goest to hell. He immediately fixes the toilets so they flush, fixes the computers and TV’s, then finally he adjusts the thermostat. God is angry. He says to Satan. .

BRUCE: If you don’t reduce the comfort level in hell I’ll sue!

RICH: Satan says. . .

BRUCE: Uh-huh. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

RICH: A woman dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter takes her on a tour. They pass a pit where people are gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman says. . .

LAURIE: Who’s down there?

GARY: Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays.

RICH: They pass another pit with more groaning and wailing.

LAURIE: Okay, Who’s down there?

GARY: Those are Baptists who went to dances.

RICH: A little further along they passed another pit of anguished people.

LAURIE: And these people?

GARY: Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dinner forks.

BRUCE: A husband and wife were driving home one night and ran into a bridge abutment and died. They arrived in heaven and found a beautiful golf course with a lovely clubhouse and fabulous greens. It was free and only for them. The husband said,

JEFF: You want to play a round?

KATIE: Sure.

BRUCE: They teed off on the first hole, and she said. .

KATIE: What’s wrong?

JEFF: You know, if it hadn’t been for your stupid oat bran, we could have been here years ago.

LAURIE: Bill Gates dies and goes to Purgatory. God is sizing him up.

RICH: Well Bill, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go. I’ll let you visit both places.

BRUCE: Okay, let’s try hell first.

LAURIE: So Bill went to hell. It was beautiful, clean, sandy beaches with clear waters with beautiful women running everywhere.

BRUCE: This is great! If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!

RICH: Fine. .

LAURIE: . . .said God and off they went. Heaven was a nice place in the clouds with angels drifting around playing harps and singing.

BRUCE: This is nice, but it’s sort of boring. I prefer hell.

LAURIE: So Bill Gates went to hell. Two weeks later God checked up on him. When he arrived Bill was shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames.

RICH: How’s everything going, Bill?

BRUCE: This is awful! This is not what I expected! What happened to the other place with the beaches and the beautiful women?

RICH: Oh. That was the screen saver.

JEFF: Michelangelo was bored as he was lying on the scaffolding high in the air painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when a woman came in to pray. He whispered. . “I am Jesus Christ!” The woman kept praying. “I am Jesus Christ!” The woman said. . .

KATIE: Be quiet. I’m talking to your mother.

GARY: A Catholic church, a synagogue and a Presbyterian church all caught fire. Before the fire trucks got there the priest dashed in and saved the consecrated host, the rabbi dashed in to save the Torah scrolls, and the Presbyterian minister ran in to save the coffee maker and the copy machine.

BRUCE: An old man was dying. He sent for his accountant and his lawyer to come a sit by his bed as he died. Jesus had died between two thieves and that’s how he wanted to go, too.

LAURIE: A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi challenged each other to a preaching contest. They would all go into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and try to convert it. Two days later they got together. Father Flannery said. . .

RICH: Well, I read to him from the Catechism, then I sprinkled him with holy water and Holy Mother of God he was gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to confirm him.

LAURIE: The Pentecostal preacher said. . .

JEFF: Well, I read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! And I took HOLD of him and wrestled him down to the creek. And I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED him and he became as gentle as a lamb! We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus!

LAURIE: The both looked at the rabbi who was in a body cast.

BRUCE: Vell, looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best vay to start.

KATIE: In a Unitarian Church the only time you hear the words, “Jesus Christ” are when the janitor falls down the steps.

RICH: Okay, let’s see. Who have we missed?

JEFF: The Methodists. Go ahead. They won’t get it.

RICH: So this Methodist minister raises his hands and says, “We are but dust!”

BRUCE: The little girl turns to her mother and says. .

KATIE: Mommy, what is butt dust?

LAURIE: That is so bad.

GARY: So the Zen master said to the hot dog vendor. .

JEFF: Make me one with everything!

GARY: So the hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in his cash drawer and closes it.

JEFF: Where’s my change?

RICH: Change must come from within!

BRUCE: Okay . . . this one’s really terrible. . .

KATIE: Then don’t tell it.

BRUCE: But it’s like…you know. . . funny terrible. . . What’s a transistor?

KATIE: Okay, what’s a transistor?

BRUCE: A priest who wear’s nun’s clothes.

LAURIE: I’m going home.

RICH: Sorry. I drove.

GARY: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah’s Witness?

JEFF: Someone out knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

KATIE:The Pope is visiting a town and all the residents are dressed in their Sunday best clothes. One local man put on his best suit and he’s sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He’s standing beside a downtrodden-looking bum who doesn’t smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum then walks right by the local man. He can’t believe it, then it hits him. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him, then runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him and this time leans over close and says. . .

RICH: I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.

GARY: Did you hear about the Talking Jewish Mother Doll? You pull the string and it says,

LAURIE: Again with the string?

BRUCE: A Jewish mother sent a telegram. .

LAURIE: “Start worrying. Details to follow.”

GARY: Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God met her and asked if she was hungry.

KATIE: I could eat.

GARY: So God opened a can of tuna and some rye bread and they share it. As she ate, Mother Teresa looked down into hell and saw the people eating huge steaks, lobster, and expensive wine.

KATIE: I’m really glad to be in heaven, God, but why do we just eat tuna a rye break while down in hell they’re eating like kings?

GARY: And God said. . .

JEFF: Well, for just two people, why bother to cook?

LAURIE: An elderly Jewish man is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him in bed and says, “Are you comfortable?” He replies. . .

RICH: “I make a nice living.”

JEFF: The first Jewish president is elected. He calls his mother.

BRUCE: Mama, I’ve won the election! You’ve got to come to the Inauguration!

LAURIE: I don’t know. What would I wear?

BRUCE: Don’t worry! I’ll send you a dressmaker!

LAURIE: But I only eat kosher food.

BRUCE: I can get you kosher food!

LAURIE: But how will I get there?

BRUCE: I’ll send the Presidential limo!

LAURIE: Okay, okay, if it makes you happy.

JEFF: The great day comes and Mama is seated between a Supreme Court Justice and the former Vice President. She nudges them and says. .

LAURIE: You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible? His brother’s a doctor!

GARY: How did you join the Presbyterian choir?

RICH: I went to the church to find the AA meeting and I went in the wrong room. They were so happy to see me that I didn’t dare leave.

KATIE: Lutherans get rid of squirrels by baptizing them and making them members. That way, they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

BRUCE: A guy goes to confession and says to the priest. .

RICH: Father, I’m eighty years old, married, have four kids, and eleven grandchildren, and yesterday I spent the night with two 21-year-old girls.

GARY: Well, my son. . .when was the last time you were at confession?

RICH: Never, Father. I’m Jewish.

GARY: So why are you telling me?

RICH: Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!

JEFF: What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper? (all turn and look at Stephanie)

STEPHANIE: Everybody who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table!

RICH: Why was Isaac twelve years old when God called Abraham to sacrifice his son?

LAURIE: Because if he was a teenager, it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice.

BRUCE: Why was Jesus born in a manger?

GARY: Because Mary belonged to an HMO.

JEFF: When I go fishing I always take two Baptists with me.

LAURIE: Why two Baptists?

JEFF: Because if I only take one he’ll drink all my beer.

BRUCE: Adam was the perfect figure of a man, and Eve was indescribably beautiful.

JEFF: So where do all the ugly people come from?

KATIE: As the prisoner was strapped to the electric chair the priest said,

GARY: Son, is there anything I can do for you?

JEFF: Yeah, when they pull the switch, I’d like you to hold my hand.