Scene 1
Herb and Freida come in late..after the prelude..speaking as they’re moving to their seats.
HERB: Hurry up, Freida. It’s already started.
FREIDA: I thought it was in Nichol’s Park. It was in Nichol’s Park last time.
HERB: Just find us a seat. Don’t make a scene.
FREIDA: A scene! We’ve already got a scene! Look at this! Presbyterians in lawn chairs! What is this world comin’ to?
HERB: It’s just once a year. We can do anything once a year.
FREIDA: Where’s Doctor Kay? This can’t be official without Dr. Kay.
HERB: He’s right there starin’ at us, now sit down and try act like this is a good idea.
FREIDA: We’ve got a perfectly good air-conditioned church over there on College and here we sit roastin’ our buns off. (looking over the crowd) Good grief, this isn’t church..it’s a carnival.
HERB: Sit down, Freida. He’s about to start talkin’.
FREIDA: Where’s the organ? I don’t see the organ.
HERB: You expect ‘em to haul that big pipe organ all the way out here?
FREIDA: I don’t see how it can count as church without an organ. I hope nobody noticed we’re late.
HERB: No Freida. Nobody noticed. We’re real…subtle.
FREIDA: Herb, they’re all starin’ at us.
HERB: Sit down, Freida. There ain’t nothin’ that stands out worse than a noisy Presbyterian.
(Dr Kay opens the service, does the needful things: welcome, prayer concerns, etc.) (as the offertory music begins) Scene 2
HERB: You got my checkbook?
FREIDA: You mean we gotta pay for gettin’ too hot and chigger bit?
HERB: Freida, it’s for the Lord.
FREIDA: It can’t be. They still ain’t got an organ. Where’s the envelopes, Herb?
HERB: What envelopes?
FREIDA: Those little envelopes to put your money in! Herb, I can’t just throw cash in there! You think I want the usher to know everything?
HERB: Just put your money in the plate, Freida. It’s between you and God.
FREIDA: Maybe if I crumple it up, he can’t see the denomination.
HERB: Freida, there ain’t no hidin’ your denomination.
FREIDA: Do you have to pay as much without organ music?
HERB: Freida, (someone in congregation) ___________ is starin’ right at us.
FREIDA: See? He wants his envelope, too. Dr. Kay turns the service over to KB. KB introduces the Children’s Sermon. (They’re going to sing a song with the refrain “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!” and make body gestures to go with it. Freida can imitate these.)
Scene 3
(after the children’s presentation) FREIDA: Well if that wasn’t the most disgustin’ thing I’ve ever seen!
HERB: Huh? I thought it was great.
FREIDA: “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop-Whoop Dee-Doop!” ? You call that religious?
HERB: It’s called the Joy of the Lord, Freida! It’s just bein’ happy with Jesus!
FREIDA: I just hope He’s happy with us!
HERB: Well I think it’s just great! Smiles! Laughter! We need more of it!
FREIDA: You would, you old Methodist. Good grief. Dancin’ in church! I just hope God went down to First Baptist today. You won’t find the Baptists goin’ Whoop Whoop! De-Doop!
HERB: God is everywhere, Freida. He’s right out there in them lawn chairs and He’s dancin’ right along with the kids.
FREIDA: Bite your tongue!
HERB: Don’t you remember King David dancin’ in the streets!
FREIDA: Yea, and his wife didn’t approve either. KB does “The Message” (after KB’s message) Scene 4
FREIDA: So when does the sermon start?
HERB: That was it, Freida.
FREIDA: That was a sermon?
HERB: Sounded fine to me.
FREIDA: Well I know, but…I mean… he wasn’t even wearin’ a robe.
HERB: It’s too hot Freida. And I don’t think Dr. Kay’s robe would fit him. Besides, who needs it?
FREIDA: I do! If I can’t have the organ then at least let me have the robe! I suppose we’re gonna sing another organ-less song. The guy’s gettin’ that derned guitar out again. I’ll give to ten-to-one he’s Pentecostal.
Scene 5
Near the end of the service… HERB: Well Freida, that’s about it. Whatta you think?
FREIDA: I’m still thinkin’. Let me mull it over this week and I’ll tell you next Sunday..indoors.
HERB: Freida, everything you heard today was scriptural. It was …well, it was right. We made a joyful noise unto the Lord. We prayed. We shared the love of Jesus. Whatta you want?
FREIDA: I know that. It just wasn’t…I don’t know how to put it, Herb.
HERB: It wasn’t traditional?
FREIDA: What’s wrong with traditional?
HERB: Nothin’, Freida. Except it’s traditional that I put my left sock on first. That don’t make it holy, just customary.
FREIDA: I can’t believe we’re talkin’ about holey socks in church.
HERB: Holy! Holy! Holy! Lord God Almighty, Freida!
FREIDA: That would have been a good song to sing today. Of course you’d of needed an organ.
HERB: Say Amen, Freida.
FREIDA: Amen!