The Royal Dating Game
ACT I
TOBY: Come all ye maidens and knaves and the lot For oh, what a glorious night we have got! The ladies are overflowing their tops (looking at one actor’s lower extremity) And some gents have padded their crotches with socks! (For PRESBYTERIANS…Alternate line: (indicating a male cast member) “And in those (color) ____ tights, _______ looks mighty hot.”)
But a night made for merriment, food, wine and song And oh our great joy that you all came along! For what is feast without guests at the table? So drink up! Make merry! Make Love! …if you’re able.
I am the Jester, Poor Toby the Fool, I’m not very smart…went to Athens to school. But I am your guide, your escort, your friend… And it’s I who’ll take all your tips in the end.
But enough of the foreplay…the prelude…the plot… You’ve had your fine dinner (to a guest) ..and you ate a lot. King Henry is coming, the 8th of his line, So we must make ready for ‘tis almost time.
LADY ONE: Get on with it, knave! My patience grows thin! TOBY: (indicating the lady) T’was line at the restroom..she didn’t get in. LADY ONE: And how was’t thou privy to what I did there? TOBY: I saw the puddle under your chair.
A LORD: Enough of this piddle! This paddle! This rot! Tell them about the plan that we’ve got!
LADY TWO: Be quick and nimble or thou shalt be dead! Besides (name a guest) _________, is late for his bed!
TOBY: Then shall I produce a most wondrous new game… A contest to put all the others to shame. Perhaps you have seen it at home on your tube… LADY THREE: Get on with Toby, you silly old boob!
TOBY: Our contestant tonight is Henry…none other. He’s married six women and now wants another. King Henry the 8th will soon be our guest That’s right, I said Henry…Would this Jester jest?
He’s searched high and low for a suitable spouse While kicking the other six out of the house.
LADY THREE: First Catherine of Aragon whom he divorced. TOBY: ‘Tween Annie and Trigger, he took the horse. LADY FOUR: Then sweet Anne Boleyn who alas now is dead. TOBY: Henry kept saying, “Don’t lose your head!” LADY THREE: Jane Seymour was next who mysteriously died. TOBY: Henry was just a bit hard on his wives. LADY FOUR: Next came a German, our dear Anne of Cleaves TOBY: She wasn’t that pretty…he asked her to leave. LADY THREE: Catherine Howard was wife number five TOBY: The gal fooled around…no longer alive. LADY FOUR: The last of his wives was dear Catherine Parr… TOBY: She outlived the old bugger, in fact, by quite far.
A LORD: Get on with the game! Get on with the meet! (name a guest) Poor ___________ is falling asleep!
TOBY: Alas and alack, King Henry is lost… Tonight he must find a new wife at all costs… So here at Hill Prairie …the Winery of Fame… We welcome King Henry…To ……………………..The Dating Game!
(harpsichord-ish Dating Game Music in under as the lords and ladies applaud)
LADY ONE: Hold it! (Music stops) Before we begin and we run out of time… Let’s give them a break and stop this darned rhyme. My poor tongue doth ache from poetic parameters… I’m up to my armpits in iambic pentameter!
TOBY: She just made a rhyme with “iambic pentameter!” ALL: She just made a rhyme with “iambic pentameter!”
LADY ONE : Oh, be quiet! (a beat, she test the area with her eyes…then finally) There. That’s better. No more rhyme. I’m going crazy. …and (naming an audience member) poor ____________ has enough trouble with plain English.
ANNOUNCER: And now! It’s the Dating Game! (music under again) Featuring his Majesty King Henry the 8th and three lovely ladies! (the singers applaud) Poor King Henry has had some bad luck with women, so tonight we’ve chosen three famous ladies from history so he can choose his next wife. Let’s hear it for tonight’s bachelorettes! From Alexandria, Egypt!...Cleopatra! (Cleopatra slithers in) From Coventry, England… Lady Godiva! (costume as you wish..I’d suggest a lady wearing a sheet)..and all the way from Wasilla, Alaska…Sarah Palin! (Sarah enters, waving, shaking hands, stands by Cleo and Godiva)
PALIN: Hi-ya. How-ya doin’? Okay?
ANNOUNCER: And now…let’s introduce our eligible six-time bachelor…King Henry the 8th! (all look to an entrance) King Henry the 8th! (to Toby) Where’s the King?
TOBY: Forsooth my liege, my soul stands bare… The King is gone ..I know not where!
ANNOUNCER: Skip the poetry, dumb-dumb. Where’d you put him this time?
TOBY: I don’t have a clue. Ooops…I think I just rhymed.
(a scream is heard and a young girl comes running through the banquet hall, followed apace by a randy, smiling King Henry laughing) (They exit)
(a long beat, then the entire cast turns as one to stare at Toby) TOBY: (flustered…stumbling) The..uh..dinner time has gone and come… The King just got the royal runs.
LADY TWO: What?
TOBY: Uh….No…wait a minute..Let me try that again.
LADY THREE: We’re waiting.
TOBY: Uh…Upon my task, I cannot shirk…The King is currently chasing skirt.
LADY FOUR: What!!!
TOBY: No good?
LADY FOUR: No good.
TOBY: Oh gee…okay, here goes. Methinks I feel so all alone…Perhaps I need the royal throne. His grace is occupied…it seems. Trying to fill some maiden’s dreams. I said the show concerned his dating…Perhaps he thought that I’d said, “mating.” The King is …busy…at least he’s late. Let’s sing some songs while yet we wait! (the cast applauds, Godiva, Cleo and Sarah exit, The Dating Game Theme comes in under, the singing begins)
ACT I
ANNOUNCER: And now…(the harpsichord pounds out the theme to “The Dating Game) Here we are ….AGAIN…at The Dating Game! Let’s bring them back out..our three lovely bachelorettes…Cleopatra! (she comes slithering in) Sarah Palin! (she comes in shaking hands) And Lady Godiva! (nothing…) And Lady Godiva! Where’s Lady Godiva?
TOBY: (just sticking his head in…or from offstage) She’s sick. She went outside for a smoke and caught cold.
ANNOUNCER: We’ve got to have a Lady Godiva!
TOBY: But…
ANNOUNCER: Get a Godiva! (Toby exits) Uh…Cleopatra, would you please say hello to tonight’s guests?
CLEOPATRA: (going to one of the men in the audience and stroking his head…sexily) Hi there…Wanna take a ride on my barge?
ANNOUNCER: Uh…Miss Palin! Please say hello.
PALIN: (in her overly-folksy manner) Hi-ya. How-ya doin’? Okay?
ANNOUNCER: Where’s Lady Godiva?
TOBY: (offstage in a falsetto) Coming! I’m coming!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen…Lady Godiva! (Toby enters enters wearing what looks like only a sheet) Oh brother. And here he his…the man we’ve all been waiting…and waiting…for…King Henry the 8th! (fanfare) King Henry Number Eight! Where’s the king?
TOBY: (Godiva) Just a minute! I’m blindfolded him so he can’t see the bachelorettes! (shouting off) Hey King! Here boy!
(King Henry enters, blindfolded…actually with a see-through blindfold…he gropes…happily. He’s a happy groper. )
HENRY: (stopping behind one of the lady guests, feeling her shoulders) My horse! You brought my horse in here! (feeling her again) Oh, what a fine filly! Such beautiful withers! Shall we go for a ride?
TOBY: Your highness……!
HENRY: (patting her shoulders) Easy, girl. Later. (again groping his way through the crowd) Where am I? (stopping behind a man, feeling his shoulders) An ox? You let an ox into my throne room?
TOBY: (momentarily forgetting his falsetto) No, Your Grace! (returning to the falsetto) No, Your Grace! We’re over here!
HENRY: Ah! (stops behind another man and touches him) Gadzooks! A trick! So mean and cruel! For I have run into a mule! It is too big! I cannot pass! For I have bumped into an…………
TOBY: (as he quickly cuts him off, moving to fetch him and put him into place) No, Your Grace!
ANNOUNCER: Uh..okay, Your Highness. We have here three gorgeous bachelorettes. Bachelorette number one, say hello to the king.
CLEOPATRA: Yo…Henry. How’s the royal scepter?
HENRY: (jumping up a bit with excitement) Oooo!
ANNOUNCER: Bachelorette number two..?
PALIN: Hi-ya! How-ya doin’? Okay?
ANNOUNCER: Bachelorette Number Three?
TOBY: Don’t pick me..please don’t pick me.
ANNOUNCER: Okay Henry…ask them anything you want.
HENRY: Bachelorette Number One!
CLEOPATRA: I just I love you how you say that.
HENRY: What’s your idea of a good time?
CLEOPATRA: (moving to touch a man in the audience) I think I’ve found it.
HENRY: Wowee! Yes!
HENRY: Number Two…
PALIN: Hi-ya! How ya doin’? Okay?
HENRY: Number three!
TOBY: Died. Number Three died. Good-bye! (starts to exit and another cast member stops him)
HENRY: Oh, you tricky little vixen! I like you!
TOBY: (normal voice) No you don’t! (falsetto) No you don’t!
HENRY: Number One! Where could I take you for the date of your life?
CLEOPATRA: (still touching the gentleman in the audience) Someplace romantic… up the Nile, Paris….The Menard County Tractor Pull. (strokes the man’s hair, imitating a tractor noise) Rummm! Rummm!
HENRY: Oh..uh…Number Two…Where could I take you?
PALIN: Uh…maybe someplace where I could see Russia?
HENRY: Oh my. Number Three… Where would you want to go?
TOBY: Home. I want to go home. I’m freezing.
ANNOUNCER: One more question, your Highness, then you can pick your lady!
HENRY: One more….one more…oh, I’m so nervous.
TOBY: Me too.
HENRY: Number One…What do you look for in a man?
CLEOPATRA: (still with the man in the audience) Never mind…I’ve found him.
HENRY: Number Two…What do you want from a man?
PALIN: His vote.
HENRY: Number Three….
TOBY: Somebody help me…please.
HENRY: What a delight little wench!
TOBY: No, I’m not!
HENRY: (as he blindly gropes his way toward Toby) Oh, I think I’ve found the girl of my dreams!
TOBY: No! No! I’m a nightmare!
HENRY: (Still working his way toward her) Come to Henry, you little honeypot!
TOBY: You wouldn’t like me. My family comes from Petersburg. We’re strange. Really!
HENRY: (still groping) Where are you?.........Where are you?.....
TOBY: (moving away from his groping) I’m gone…I’ve left the building…I’m dead!
HENRY: Come to me! Come to me!
TOBY: Sing! Somebody sing!
HENRY: (singing) “The hills are alive…with the sound of music!”
TOBY: Not you! (Palin and Cleo leave in disgust) (as he runs around the area, just a step ahead of King Henry) (subtle harpsichord under) Our tawdry tale has reached its end and so, I fear, have I! And if I lose my sheet tonight, then kindly close your eyes! We hope that you’ve enjoyed our feast and walk out blessed and stuffed! Once a king, always a king…but once a Knight is enough! (and he runs out of the room)
This play is dedicated to the living memory of Bill Bauser and the havoc he has wreaked on the entire Menard County Community.