← Speeches & Workshops

2014 stimulating, educational

and highly entertaining opening skit for IESA conference Trish Ballard: Jenny Rob Blackburn: Dewayne Shayla Grantham: Mardelle Steve Williams: Mr. Fabian

(music under, then) JENNY: Dear Diary. I’m like so excited. I signed up for speech contest today and I can’t wait to find out who my partner is. It’s going to like be so cool to get up in front of people and act . . . and stuff.

MARDELLE: Dear Jenny, did you get a part yet? I can’t wait. Did you hear we had to memorize it? That can’t be right. I can’t memorize three whole pages. Write back.

JENNY: Dear Mardelle, I think we can just make it up as we go along. Memorizing is so nerdy. Like, I don’t want to say somebody else’s words. Uncool. Don’t worry, we can find a way to get around it.

MARDELLE: Dear Jenny, the speech coach is new this year and he’s never done it before so maybe he won’t know it’s supposed to be memorized.

JENNY: Have you seen him yet?

MARDELLE: No. But he’s tall. I can tell he’s an actor ‘cause I just walked by his room and he was talking to himself.

MR. FABIAN: (singing) Oh-oh yes, I’m the speech pretender Pretending that I’m doing well. My need is such I pretend too much. I’m lonely but no one can tell.

Oh-oh yes, I’m the speech pretender They hired me then left me alone… This speech job is new and but I don’t have a clue I think…oh hell, there’s the bell. MARDELLE: So I went into his office and asked him what was goin’ on and he had like this really blank stare on his face.

JENNY: I hope I get to do a duet. He said there was one kid without a partner. I hope it’s not that that nerdy Dewayne.

DEWAYNE: (ala nasal-ish nerd) Dear Diary, this is Dewayne.

MARDELLE: No way I’d be in a scene with him.

DEWAYNE: I signed up for speech today. It was that or football and grass makes me itch.

JENNY: He puts me with Dewayne and I quit.

DEWAYNE: And they make the football guys drink milk and I’m lactose intolerant.

MARDELLE: He wouldn’t do that, would he?

DEWAYNE: I think I’m allergic to other things, too…like people.

JENNY: No way.

DEWAYNE: It’s nice to have a diary. Nobody else will listen to me.

MARDELLE: Dear Jenny, the speech team is supposed to be announced this morning.

JENNY: What did you sign up for?

MARDELLE: I didn’t pay any attention when he was explaining the events so I just marked something called “humorous monorail.”

JENNY: Cool. We rode that down at Disneyworld.

DEWAYNE: The speech coach said to pick a category that fitted our personality, but they didn’t have one called “Lonely.”

(ala “Blue Suede Shoes”) MR. FABIAN: Oh well it’s one for the solo…Two for the show Three to get ready for the small group, oh Don’t you…mess with my speech team blues. You do anything, but don’t mess with my speech team blues.

You can call off school, stare into space. . . Scatter those ballgames all over the place You can to anything that you want to do… But oh, oh baby stay off of my blues Oh don’t you…mess with my speech team blues. You can do anything but don’t mess with my speech team blues.

JENNY: Do you think our new speech coach is weird?

MARDELLE: He went to ISU.

JENNY: Oh.

DEWAYNE: Dear Jenny, I’ve never written to you before. In fact, I’ve never written to any girl. In fact, I’ve never talked to any girl…..

JENNY: Mardelle! This is awful! I just got a note from Dewayne!

DEWAYNE: . . . .I’m looking for a partner for speech contest.

MARDELLE: He’s doing what?

DEWAYNE: . . . and since you talk a lot I figured you were good at speech. . . and you have good teeth. I think that good oral hygiene is very important in a girl.

JENNY: I think I’m gonna die!

DEWAYNE: .. . You’ll probably die when you read this.

MARDELLE: . . . What did he say?

DEWAYNE: I’m a rather fascinating boy. Perhaps you’ve heard about my stamp collection?

JENNY: . . . and he says he bathes regularly.

DEWAYNE: . . . and I raise iguanas.

MARDELLE: What’s that?

JENNY: It’s like a long rat.

DEWAYNE: . . . so I was just wondering. . .

JENNY: Mardelle, you tell a soul about this and I’ll never speak to you again.

(ala “Love Me Tender”) MR. FABIAN: I surrender, I give up. . . I think I’m feeling ill. . . My speech team doesn’t have a clue…perhaps they never will…. I surrender. . . I give in. . . Just leave me alone! Give me kids who want to work…or put me in a home.

MARDELLE: Dear Jenny, what’s “small group acting?”

JENNY: Two people who like each other and a kid who nobody wants to be with.

MARDELLE: We’re stuck with Dewayne?

DEWAYNE: Dear Jenny and Mardelle. Did you hear the great news? Just the three of us! Isn’t that great?

JENNY: Dear Jenny. I have a new address. I’m moving to Portugal.

MARDELLE: Get serious. What are we gonna do?

DEWAYNE: I’ve already got some great ideas for the blocking. We’ll have to get close to each other. Don’t worry, I splash on my Dad’s Old Spice every morning.

JENNY: Help!

DEWAYNE: Lots and lots of it.

MARDELLE: You’ve got to talk to the speech coach. . . .Now!

JENNY: What’ll I tell him?

MARDELLE: You’re sick…real bad sick. Leprosy maybe.

DEWAYNE: Dear new very best friends. I see that we’re scheduled for a speech practice after school tonight. I can’t wait. I bought new Nikes just for the occasion. Do you like chocolate chip cookies? I’m bringing some. I think this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

MARDELLE: Let’s tell the coach we’re busy.

JENNY: Let’s tell him we died.

(ala “Falling in Love With You”) MR. FABIAN: Wise men say…only fools rush in… But I go nuts, scheduling time with you. Every day…seems like a new excuse… And I can’t help… wringing the neck of you.

Contest is so close…surely you can see… But nobody knows the danger…but me.

Take my hand…take my whole life, too… For I can’t help…wringing the neck of you.. For I can’t help…wringing the neck…of….you.

JENNY: Dear Diary, It’s been a rough two months but we did it. Sorry I didn’t write more often, but memorizing this speech has taken up most of my time. . .

MARDELLE: It was a good time. Our small group . . . .

DEWAYNE: . . . . our small group got judge’s choice.

JENNY: I couldn’t believe it.

MARDELLE: Especially after Dewayne insisted on spraying the entire contest room with Lysol so we wouldn’t be bothered by germs.

JENNY: The judge loved it and wanted to give us oral comments but she was having trouble breathing.

DEWAYNE: Mr. Fabian, our speech coach was so proud of us.

MARDELLE: He called us the miracle team.

JENNY: Dewayne got way too excited when they announced it.

DEWAYNE: But luckily I brought another pair of pants.

(ala “Great Balls of Fire”) MR. FABIAN: You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain! This contest team could drive a man insane! You showed your skill…Oh, what a thrill! ALL: Goodness gracious! Speech team’s on fire!

MR. FABIAN: Somehow you did it…Ooooo…feels so good! You didn’t quit it… Ooooo…..You came together like a speech team should! Did fine, In Time…I’m proud to tell the world that you’re mine, mine, mine!

MR. FABIAN: I chewed my nails and I twiddled my thumbs You drove me nuts but it sure was fun! Oh a baby…You drive me crazy, ALL: But goodness gracious! Speech team’s on fire!