All but Adrienne: They've Put a Brassiere On a Camel!
Adrienne: (stepping out from the group) Hold it! Hold it! John: (Xing to her) What’s the matter? Adrienne: We can’t say that. John: Uh…I think we just did. That’s the poem we’re doing. Shel Silverstein wrote it. Adrienne: But look at the audience. They think we’re…you know… perverts or something. John: It’s called acting, Adrienne. Adrienne: It’s called indecent. My grandma’s out there. (or change to “teacher” or “mom” or something) John: But she’s smiling. Adrienne: You always smile when your granddaughter’s onstage. It’s a law, I think. John: (to the group) Come on, guys. One more time.
ALL: They've put a brassiere on a camel, 1: She wasn't dressed proper, you know. ALL: They've put a brassiere on a camel, 2: So that her humps wouldn't show. 3: And they're making other respectable plans, JACOB: They're even even insisting the pigs should wear pants, JANSEN: They'll dress up the ducks if we give them the chance ALL: Since they've put a brassiere on a camel. ALL: They've put a brassiere on a camel, 4: They claim she's more decent that way. ALL: They've put a brassiere on a camel, 3: The camel had nothing to say. SYDNEY: They squeezed her into it, I’ll never know how, EMILY: They say that she looks more respectable now, JACOB: Lord knows what they've got in mind for the cow, ALL: Since they've put a brassiere on a camel.
Adrienne: That’s disgusting. John: Live with it, Adrienne. Come on guys… Best Mask! 1 & 2: They just had a contest for the scariest mask, And I was the wild and daring one Who won the contest for the scariest mask.. JOHN: And (sob) I’m not even wearing one! Adrienne: Great. A poem about ugly faces. I’m sure everybody wanted to hear that. John: You know, Adrienne, sometimes you’re really a drag. The Little Boy and the Old Man!
1: Said the little boy, JANSEN: "Sometimes I drop my spoon." 2: Said the old man, PHILLIP: "I do that too." 3: The little boy whispered, JANSEN: "I wet my pants." PHILLIP: "I do that too," 4: laughed the little old man. 1: Said the little boy, JANSEN: "I often cry." 2: The old man nodded, PHILLIP: "So do I." JANSEN: "But worst of all," 3: said the boy, JANSEN"it seems Grown-ups don't pay attention to me." ALL (but Jansen and Phillip) And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand. PHILLIP: "I know what you mean," ALL: said the little old man.
Adrienne: Now it’s pants wetting? What kind of weirdo was this Shel Silverstein? John: A very rich one. Hey, he was a good poet! He wrote about fun stuff. Adrienne: Is he gonna save us when we’re kicked out of contest? John: Probably not. He died seven years ago. One! Two!
GIRLS: One Two, buckle my shoe BOYS: Buckle your own shoe! GIRLS: Who said that? BOYS: I did! What are you doing with those silly buckles on your shoes anyway? GIRLS: Three, four, shut the door. BOYS: You shut it! You opened it! GIRLS: Uh….five, six, pick up sticks… BOYS: Why should I pick them up? Do you think I’m your slave? Buckle my shoe, shut the door, pick up sticks, next thing you’ll be telling me to lay them straight! GIRLS: But it’s only a poem!... Nine, ten, a big fat…Oh, never mind Adrienne: Now that was really cruel. That’s sexism! John: It’s just a poem, Adrienne! Adrienne: Who is this Shel Silverstein nut? John: He was a songwriter, a playwright, a musician, and singer and he wrote 18 books of poetry. Adrienne: From jail? John: Adrienne, would you just lighten up? I like the title of this next one..It’s called “Love!”
(Part assignments: Ricky: Dakota, Lizzie: Sydney, Mitchell: Andy)
KATIE: Ricky was “L” but he’s home with the flu… Lizzie, our “O” had some homework to do. Mitchell, “E” prob’ly got lost on the way. So I’m all of love that could make it today. John: (looking at Adrienne) No complaints? Adrienne: It was silly, but I’ll let it pass. John: Great. The Union for Children’s Rights! (cut Land of Happy)
1 & 2: Strike! 3 & 4: Strike! ALL: For Children’s Rights! JACOB: Longer weekends! LYDIA: Shorter school hours! HALEI: Higher allowances! JOHN: Less baths and showers! JANSEN: No asparagus! HAYDEN: More Root Beer! ALL: And seventeen summer vacations a year! HAYDEN: If you’re ready to strike, sign up right here! John: For sale! 1: One sister for sale! 2: One sister for sale! 1 & 2: One crying and spying young sister for sale! RYAN: I’m really not kidding, So who’ll start the bidding? JANSEN: Do I hear the dollar? PHILLIP: A nickel? JACOB: A penny? 1 & 2: Oh, isn’t there, isn’t there, isn’t there any One kid that will buy this old sister for sale, This crying and spying young sister for sale? (Girls: Sob!)
Adrienne: And that is supposed to be nice? John: It’s supposed to be funny. Adrienne: Sister abuse? John: You ever met my sister? Little Abigail and the Beautiful Pony! 3 & 4: There was a girl named Abigail Who was taking a drive Through the country With her parents When she spied a beautiful sad-eyed Grey and white pony. And next to it was a sign That said, 1 & 2: FOR SALE--CHEAP LYDIA: "Oh," 3 & 4 : said Abigail, LYDIA: "May I have that pony? May I please?" 3 & 4: And her parents said, PHILLIP & ADRIENNE: "No you may not." 3 & 4: And Abigail said, LYDIA: "But I MUST have that pony." 3 & 4: And her parents said, PHILLIP & ADRIENNE: "Well, you can't have that pony, But you can have a nice butter pecan Ice cream cone when we get home." 3 & 4: And Abigail said, LYDIA: "I don't want a butter pecan Ice cream cone, I WANT THAT PONY-- I MUST HAVE THAT PONY." 3 & 4: And her parents said, PHILLIP & ADRIENNE: "Be quiet and stop nagging-- You're not going to get that pony." 3 & 4: And Abigail began to cry and said, LYDIA: “If I don't get that pony, I'll die." 3 & 4: And her parents said, "You won't die. No child has ever died yet from not getting a pony." 3 & 4: And Abigail felt so bad That when they got home she went to bed, EMILY: And she couldn't eat, KELSEY: And she couldn't sleep, HALEI: And her heart was broken, 3 & 4: And she DID die-- All because of a pony That her parents wouldn't buy. LYDIA: This is a good story To read to your folks When they won't buy You something you want.
Adrienne: And that is supposed to teach kids a good lesson? John: Good? No, but it’s valuable. I use it all the time. Adrienne: You would. John: Oh, Adrienne. Now…three short ones by Shel Silverstein! Sidewalking!
(Ma: ..need a volunteer) 1 & 2: They say if you step on a crack, You will break your mother’s back. But that’s just silly, ha-ha-ha----- (scream and fall) Oops----Plop----Sorry, Ma. (cut Stone Airplane)
John: Advice! (William Tell: Phillip, Boy: Hayden) ALL: William Tell, William Tell, Take your arrow, grip it well, There’s the apple---aim for the middle--- (William shoots, Hayden dies) ALL: Oh well---you just missed by a little.
Adrienne: Child abuse? Now we’re doing child abuse? John: Oh come on. Adrienne: I’m serious, John. (looking at the audience) Just look at those faces out there. Do you want to grow up to be weird and dangerous? John: (looks at the audience, then) Looks like we might be too late. Jumping Rope! (cut Yuck)
ALL: This started out…as a jumping rope… You pro’bly think that I’m a dope But this started out as a jumping rope.. And now I fear there is no hope But this started out as a jumping rope… Adrienne: Why can’t we do something nice and pleasant…like school. John: School? I thought you said “nice and pleasant!” (thinks a minute) Okay! I got it! The Prayer of the Selfish Child! (cut Kidnapped)
ALL BOYS: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my toys to break. So none of the other kids can use ‘em… Amen.
Adrienne: Is this almost over? John: Not quite! Look, if it’ll make you feel better, we’ll end with a nice one! Girls, have a seat right here! (the girls sit in front of the boys, looking at them) 1 & 2: When you spit from the twenty-sixth floor And it floats on the breeze to the ground.. Does it fall upon hats or on white Persian cats JANSEN: Or on heads with a pitty-pat sound? PHILLIP: I used to think life was a bore, But I don’t feel that way anymore, 1 & 2: As I count up the hits As I smile as I sit, As I spit from the twenty-sixth floor! (spit, girls get up, yuck!.. bow) (cut Rudy Felsh and Hiccup Cure)
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