← Speeches & Workshops

Lincoln Land

Feb 2001

First..I hate auditions.. as a director. As an actor, I enjoy them. But as a director… worked in educational theatre for too long where a young man or lady’s self-esteem is affected for years as a result of the outcomes. The most painful day of my life…calling people to give them the results of auditions. I dream about it. In envision the worst-case scenario every time.

By the way, I’m sort of the frosting on your cake today. Or maybe that sorbet they serve at fancy restaurants to clear your palet. You’ve already had your meat and potatoes..

My qualifications: I’ve never had a theatre class in my life. I’ve directed theatre for 30 years, written over 100 published plays, and won a bunch of theatre awards including two honorary doctorates. I still have very little idea what I’m doing. Still..at auditions I’m a little boy who feels as if he’s surrounded by a hundred people who all know what they’re doing.

Okay.. we can learn from auditions, it’s a part of the growing process, you become a better performer by doing it ..blah blah blah.. all true, yet I still hate auditions.

Maybe it’s because a goat once crapped on me. Audra… the year before, four and twenty blackbirds ..actually baby black ducks inside a pie… Then came the goat… machine gun.

I hate it when they sit in my lap. Play with my bald head. Stroke my beard. It’s embarrassing and it’s not very original. 3rd day of Annie auditions, had to put notice in the paper… “Please do not bring a dog.”

Auditions are one of the most exciting and creative and wonderful part of the theatre process… and I still hate them.

To me, it’s a small crisis of faith… I’m a Christian and a teacher who spends my life trying to encourage, to boost, to help everyone succeed. Seems to go against my job as a director.

For the last fifteen years, I’ve had Chuck sit beside me and me mean. Chuck’s my tech director and a great musician. I hire him to sit there and say things like “No, you can’t use him.” “She can’t hit it.” “Your cast is too big already.” “How am I going to get this many people onstage?” and “I don’t care if she’s a cute little girl who’s parents just got divorced and needs a break. She has no talent.” I hire him to say things like that and I hate him for it. ..at least momentarily.

Okay… having said all that, we do need auditions…

--I agree with much of what’s been said…#1: don’t make excuses.. if you lost your left leg yesterday, this will be obvious to the director. Don’t use it as an excuse for not hitting a high D. My favorite.. an actor who will come in carrying his medicine and tissue box, then explain that he has a cold.

---Want the part. Show that you want the part through your demeanor.. always thank the director for the audition. Not because we’re sniveling little kids who need stroking but because it tells me something about you. Twice directed 1776. Both times had one man who turned down a part because he’d have to shave his moustache.

---Cliché.. but be yourself. I want to know who you are. If I had my druthers, you and I would go out for a Coke and talk about your family, what sort of pizza you like, what you read, and whom you admire. I'm a good enough director I can help change and modify your acting and stage presence.. but I can’t change your life. We’ll be working together for several weeks and I really want to know you. I’ve often been called upon to hold auditions for other directors.. directors who know their own people but don’t want to make the decision… a truly horrible idea.

My play, The Spot, won an award and the U of I wanted to produce it. They asked me to come help with auditions. No way.

Illinois College asked me to come direct an evening of my plays. Auditions were terrifying. Rushed. Didn’t have time to get to know them. I’d find myself making up fake reasons to call the students in their door rooms after auditions..searching for anything to get to know them.

---Don’t hesitate to ask for a second chance. This also tells me about your desire. Some directors don’t like this.

---I want to know your willingness and ability to take direction. Some directors won’t give you any at auditions. I will.

--Have a bit of sympathy for what we have to do. In a few hours, make decisions that will last weeks..perhaps months..perhaps years. Abraham.. called up a few friends… this summer the show will have run for five years!

---You’ve heard this all day, but please..BE PREPARED… come with a knowledge of the show. I often audition actors before the script is finished…I’ll have them read something similar. It’s exciting to start rehearsing a show, not knowing whether your character will still be alive in Act II.

A very talented with whom I’ve worked many times. She’s wonderful. She’s talented. I’ve never given her a lead. Always flitters in, flutters around, makes excuses, laughs and giggles and leaves. Just too busy to prepare.

---Get tough. Learn not to take things personally at auditions. Girl with glasses… “Do you have to wear glasses onstage?” I’m often looking for not so much the most talent but the right type. I have this theory that we’re all born actors and some of us retain the talent. Got a letter last week from my college fraternity.. signed, “I’m the short kid who you didn’t cast in your play at the college.” -Father in hallway.

--It is essential that you look upon auditions not as the final arbiter of who you are as a performer, but as a part of your growing process.

---Don’t take yourself too seriously.. Chillocothee. Roger Ebert.

-- Part preference.. “Oh, I don’t really care.” You got that right. Shoot for the stars!

--Phil Funkenbusch speaking next.. the best casting director I know. He casts shows walking down the streets of Petersburg. He’ll like someone’s face…no experience…just perfect.

--In reading for a part, don’t be afraid to ask the director what he’s looking for in this character.

--When reading for auditions, don’t rush it. You must act between the lines. Silence is often the greatest tool in an actors toolbox.

--Feel free to ask if you can move around.

--PLEASE be honest about your availability. You’ll only let me down once.

--Above all else, expand the bubble you’ve created around yourself .. the things you’ll allow yourself to do. I always tell my casts, “Stop making little mistakes! Make big ones!”

---I’m a teaching director. Most of my work is done in educational theatre. I want to know if you want to learn. If you simply come to auditions to show me what you have, that’s nice, but that’s not why I’m in the business.

FINALLY: My two favorite auditioners: -Brad Barnes. Makes everyone feel good waiting to come on. Introduces himself before each audition. He has always talked to the accompanist ahead of time. Always has his music copied and taped together. Always thanks the pianist. Always thanks the audition staff. I’ve been with Brad through hot New Salem nights and cold Illinois traveling shows. He’s not a fake. His attitude: “Theatre is a joy and I’m happy to be a part of it.” -Bob Large.. comes to everything in costume..right or wrong.. auditions, first read-through, blocking, all rehearsals.. brings his own mud to New Salem. Works 10 hour days in the hot sun painting church steeples.. enters New Salem shouting, “Dear God I love this!”

--Thanks for listening. I feel much better about auditions now.

QUESTIONS?