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Roast

Tonight has a Biblical feel. . .reminds me of when the ancient Israelis kept turning against their God. A few scriptures about ingratitude. . . 2nd Timothy. . (or as Donald Trump would say, 2 Timothy) “And in the last days, the people shall turn their back on their God.” Isaiah 53: “All they like sheep have gone astray. . . . and have turned against He who created them.” Who created them. And then the one most appropriate for tonight. . .Isaiah 26:21 - For, behold, the LORD cometh out of his place to punish them for their iniquity.

Maryjane Million . . the one person tonight that I won’t abuse. She makes sure that I get paid from Lincoln Land and therefore she’s a wonderful lady. However, the rest of these jerks pay me nothing. Seriously, I’d be in deep doo-doo without this lady. She covers for me at Lincoln Land, she found me a house in Jacksonville, she collects my mail when I’m gone and she’s by the far the best-looking person on the dais tonight. It makes me wonder what Mother Teresa might feel like in a table full of Creepy Clowns. (Jihadi terrorists) ( And that concludes my nice remarks. In short, I made these people what they are and now they’ve turned on me. Robert Crowe . . .when I met Bob Crowe he was a member of the evil empire. He was a school administrator. He spent a good deal of time writing children’s books. I taught him how to use words that were over four letters long. Next year we’re going to start working on something new for Bob. . punctuation. For many years he was my publisher. . “Ken! This thing you sent me?” “Yes, Bob.” “It has real promise…real promise. . but it makes absolutely no sense.” “It’s comedy, Bob. !” “Oh. Okay!” Bruce Surratt Came from Chapin. Is there anything else I need to say? In his senior year he played Conrad Birdie in Bye Bye Birdie, a sexy imitation of Elvis. How, you may ask, did Bruce Surratt play sexy? As I mentioned, he was an actor. (And as you can see by his performance tonight, I emphasize the word “was.”) For most of Bruce’s career he drew a salary from the city of Jacksonville for doing little else but chasing the ducks around Nichol’s Park. He’s become one of the most vocal members of the Kiwanis Club. . simply because he’s been banned from the Rotary and the Ambucs. And as coming from Chapin wasn’t bad enough. . . Rich McCoy .. . from Mt. Sterling. . His being from Brown County, I had to teach him how to wear shoes, use a fork . . . for something other than combing his hair, and to take the dishes out of the sink before he peed in it. It was my job to fix Rich up with women when he was young. Of course, being from Brown County I had to first teach him which ones were the women. Roger Wainwright . . found him in a smoky barroom in Springfield. Roger’s been an optometrist for most his life. . .how this made him think it qualified him to write music, I have no idea. Seriously, Roger’s done a great deal to make our shows known all over the Midwest. . . of course, Al Capone and John Wayne Gacy did the same thing for Chicago. The only guy I know who plays in barrooms on Saturday and then becomes director of music at a Methodist Church on Sunday morning. If he was Lutheran, I could understand this. John Buchanan. . . single-handedly got him through Illinois College. In fact, I had once planned on becoming an undertaker, then I saw what was happening to John. John’s always been my idol. . .I admire a guy who can make enough money to drive a Cadillac just by wearing a suit, shaking hands, and saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Is he talking about your grandmother or your wallet? My little Brother Keith. . . you see, I knew him before he married a smart woman. I remember when my parents picked him up on that street corner in Quincy. . with the sign saying, “Will work for the opportunity to be Ken’s brother.” Marcy Patterson. . . How much bigger compliment can you get than to be roasted by the local coroner? A great night. . . toasted by an undertaker and a coroner. Weren’t there any terrorists available? John Love. . .this was a dirty trick. They didn’t tell me that you’d be appearing tonight so I haven’t prepared anything. . .which is appropriate, I guess. I’ve worked on stage with you for fourteen years and not being prepared is something you’re used to. But seriously. . . I know a young man who lived in Jacksonville. . he’s now an adult with a family of his own. . .who told me about growing up on his end of town. He said that once a month his family would go to the health department for one reason or another and he always hated to make the trip. . . waiting in lines, people staring at them. He said, “I was embarrassed. I’d rather be sick.” Once a month a social worker would show up on their doorstep to see how the family was doing and he was embarrassed to have them come in the house. But once a week another lady stopped. . .name was Becky Oliver. She was with Big Brother/Big Sister. In his words, “It wasn’t her job. She came because she cared about us. Maybe the others did, too, but Becky was giving her own time and wasn’t paid for coming. That made all the difference.” Girl I dated in college… Jean…wish I could remember her last name. Folks didn’t want her to take part. In so many cases Big Brother/Big Sister makes all the difference. Thanks for all you do. At the end of a day, at the end of a life, the difference we make in the lives of others is all that really counts. Thanks to my fellow roasters tonight. . . I was asked to pick good friends who were also witty. . . and even though it’s obvious tonight that I don’t have any. . . Seriously. . .Lincoln said, “The better part of a man’s life consists of his friendships,” and looking out here tonight you can see how very blessed I am. So thanks. . . . . . to Bob Crowe, my first writing partner, who showed me that what I did for fun could actually be profitable, to Roger Wainwright, one of the most talented musicians I’ve ever known and although we met to create theatre our great joy has been praying with kids at summer camp. . .to John Buchanan, one of those college kids who remain lifelong friends and is a model of what a community supporter should be. . . to Maryjane Million, without whom people would find out what I’m really worth, to Marcy Patterson who must surely the biggest supporter of mine and the Jacksonville community that I know, to Rich McCoy who in addition to being my most trusted of friends refuses to let quality theatre die in our community and continues to challenge our audiences, to Bruce Surratt who’s become iconic in our community because of his enthusiasm for life and desire to serve others, to John Love who is a good example of why I stayed in teaching. . .to see a student far excel his teacher is indeed the greatest joy. and to my little brother who’s the real wit of the family . . .I just happen to be the writer while he got stuck in banking. . .and I’m glad that Mom and Dad allowed him to live. . .thanks…and thanks to all of you.