Station K-O-R-N
Chorale Presentation 2001
JIM: Howdy!
BOB: Howdy!
JIM: I’m Jim!
BOB: And I’m Bob!
JIM: And together, we’re…
BOB & JIM: Jim-Bob! Right here on radio station
GROUP I: K-------!
GROUP II: O------!
GROUP III: R------!
GROUP IV: N------!
JIM: That’s right! Radio station K-O-R-N right here in Redneck, Arkansas! The home of gorgeous women and buttered biscuits!
BOB: Love them women!
JIM: And their biscuits! And to start things off this mornin’, here’s Ima Fox and the Tank Tops with The Ten Commandments of Love!
GROUP I: If your truck’s got curtains and your livin’ room don’t And Spam is a gourmet food. If you clean your fish in the dinin’ room Well that is just derned rude. GROUP II: If you think you’re gonna tag this dear, You’re gonna need some help from above. You better write it in stone, then take it on home… ‘Cause it’s the Ten Commandments of Love!
SOLO 1: If you buy my jewelry at the hardware store And your taillights are made of tape. SOLO 2: If you clean your ears with your pickup key And you graduated six years late. SOLO 3: If the Motel Six turns its lights off quick When they see you comin’ around. GROUP I: You better write this in stone then take it on home, It’s the Ten Commandments of Love.
THE GIRLS: You gotta ho—o-ld me close And take me out where the lights are bright ‘Cause Hea—ven knows I’m goin’ uptown Saturday night. SOLO: Before we talk relationship Then take that toothpick outa your lips THE GIRLS: Hey Bubba it’s time you got a grip On the Ten Commandments of Love.
THE GIRLS: Commandment One!
ONE;: “Thou Shalt Bait my hook. Especially if it’s the first date.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Two!
TWO: “Camouflage is not a proper wedding color.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Three!
THREE: “There is no reason to have grease under your toenails.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Four!
FOUR: “Toilet paper should not have page numbers.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Five!
FIVE: “When you take me to movie, do not talk to the actors on the screen. Studies show they can’t hear you.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Six!
SIX: “Taking me on a cruise does not mean circling the Dairy Queen.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Seven!
SEVEN: “You don’t have to cancel Christmas dinner just because we’re out of ketchup.”
GROUP I: If your idea of a gourmet meal is a can of Mountain Dew GROUP II: If I find out that your friend Rover has better breath than you. SOLO : If you can tell your age by your bathtub rings And your mother can belch on key ALL GIRLS: Then you better write down the Ten Commandments of Love Or don’t mess around with me.
THE GIRLS: You gotta ho—o-ld me close And take me out where the lights are bright ‘Cause Hea—ven knows I’m goin’ uptown Saturday night. SOLO: If the dog sees you eatin’ and he starts to gag 2ND SOLO: If your passenger window is a Hefty bag, THE GIRLS: Then pardon me if I start to nag About the Ten Commandments of Love.
THE GIRLS: Commandment Eight!
ONE: “Our baby’s stroller does not need a gun rack.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Nine!
TWO: “Generally speaking, livestock is not an appropriate wedding gift.”
THE GIRLS: Commandment Ten!
THREE: “When you’re on a date you should dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.”
THE GIRLS: You gotta ho—o-ld me close And take me out where the lights are bright ‘Cause Hea—ven knows I’m goin’ uptown Saturday night. SOLO: You and me are gonna crash If you don’t take that spit cup offa your dash THE GIRLS: Now’s the time you started to ask About the Ten Commandments of Love.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Get your hound-dog off my knee!
It’s the Ten Commandments of Love!
JIM: Hey! What a song!
BOB: What a song! What a song! And we’ll be right back with Big Bull Chips singin’ “I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me!” right after this message from Aunt Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits!
BISCUIT GROUP: Throw ‘em at the ceiling! Throw ‘em at the wall! Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits! They’re the best of all!
BISCUIT PERSON ONE: Are your biscuits dull?
BISCUIT PERSON TWO: Uh-huh.
BP1: Do they just sit there like a lump in your tummy?
BP2: Uh-huh.
BP1: Then listen to this testimonial about Aunt Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits!
BISCUIT EATER: I was a shriveled up little nothin’ ‘til I startin’ eat Aunt Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits.
BP1: And now?
BISCUIT EATER: And now I can whup my little sister.
BISCUIT GROUP: Throw ‘em at the ceiling! Throw ‘em at the wall! Betty Botter’s Buttered Biscuits! They’re the best of all!
JIM: Hey, those are some biscuits!
BOB: Some biscuits!
JIM: And before we get to Holey Jeans singin’ “I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!” here’s the Arkansas Country Boys with their big hit, “I’m a country boy or die!”
COUNTRY BOYS: Oh, I love to go swimmin’ with bow-legged women and dive between their knees! SOLO BOY:I love to ride cattle without any saddle and tinkle in the breeze! SOLO BOY TWO: I love to chase roosters and think it’s a hoot just to make a piggie fly! I ain’t too derned smart but I’ve got a big heart, I’m a country boy or die! SOLO BOY: I’ll wrassle the dog or make friends with a hog Or laugh like I’m simple and rude. SOLO BOY TWO: I’ll ride an old sow but I’ll never know how To wear necktie like a dude. SOLO BOY: I never could spell but I whistle real well I can burp and can spit in your eye. COUNTRY BOYS: We’re out of our minds but the hogs, they don’t mind, We’re a country boy or die! JIM: Hey! What a song!
BOB: What a song! What a song!
JIM: The hits just keep comin’ here on station
GROUP I: K-------!
GROUP II: O------!
GROUP III: R------!
GROUP IV: N------!
JIM: The station that brought you Jimmy Crass and his big hit, “You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly!”
BOB: And his first big hit, “Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure!” Hey, it’s time for the livestock report!
JIM: Let’s take it down to Harry Tails down at the Midwest Livestock Market!
HARRY: (shouting over the noise as the rest of the cast sets up a chorus of cow, pig, rabbit, chicken, sheep and horse noises..he can barely be heard over the din) This is Harry Tails with the livestock report!
JIM: (shouting) Harry! Harry, can you hear me?
HARRY: (shouting) This is Harry Tails with the Livestock Report.
JIM: Harry! Harry, how about the Livestock Report?
HARRY: This is Harry Tails with the Livestock Report.
JIM: I----can’t-----hear----you------Harry!
HARRY: Uh..I am surrounded by very large cows.
JIM: Harry!!!
HARRY: And they look very hungry!
JIM: Harry? Harry? (the animal noise stops suddenly) Well, it looks like we’ve lost Harry.
BOB: Lost old Harry.
JIM: How about a final word from Aunt Betty’s Buttered Biscuits?
BISCUIT GROUP: Betty Botter bought some butter but she said this butter’s bitter. If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter. So she bought a bit of better butter put it in her bitter batter. Made her bitter batter better. So ‘tis better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter. BOB: I couldn’t have said it better Betty! JIM: You know, the old clock on the wall says it’s almost time to sign off.
BOB: Almost time!
JIM: Almost time! I guess we won’t get to hear Lug Wrench’s new song, “I Changed Her Oil, And She Changed My Life.”
BOB: Or Lonesome George’s “How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?”
JIM: So until we meet again, this has been Jim
BOB: And Bob!
JIM: That’s…..
JIM & BOB: Jim-Bob!
JIM: Sayin’ goodnight from station…
GROUP I: K-------!
GROUP II: O------!
GROUP III: R------!
GROUP IV: N------!
HARRY: And this is Harry Tails from… (but the noise of animals drowns him out)
That Age By Ken Bradbury
Group I Group II Group III Joe Cates Shawn Beck Jeremy Depper Steven Shaw Chris Boulanger Dustin Jacoby
Jannelle Davidson Melissa Beard Jenna Post Carly Joehl Allison Phelps Jessica Millard Cody Winkelman Nick Stephens Andrew Waters Carlin Anderson Paul Schone Matt Schone
Stephen: Adolescence is a disease caught between the ages of 10 and 14. Sometimes people get over it.
Carly: No one has ever died from adolescence but some parents have been damaged beyond repair.
Jenna: Girls enter adolescence about two years before boys. This gives us a head start. If we’re lucky, we’ll be there and gone before the boys get there.
Nick: Boys enter adolescence then they get out when they get their driver’s license. Then they have kids of their own and it starts all over again.
Carlin: Puberty is the best part of adolescence but only if you discover it on your own. When teachers talk about it I want to bury my head in my book bag.
Melissa: In adolescence, the number of your sweat glands doubles. Thanks, God. Like I needed that.
Jeremy: The typical adolescent needs to increase his food intake 25% to stay healthy. Vegetables and milk products are the best way. Pizza has both of these.
Paul: Most adults think that puberty has to do with sex. The average 8th-grader knows it’s all about pimples.
Matt: Last night I found my first hair on my chest. This morning in the shower it washed off. Bummer.
Dustin: They say if you shave, the hair will grow quicker. I do know that you’ll bleed more.
Shawn: THE SEX LECTURE:
Paul: My Dad sat me down on the sofa and told me DUSTIN: “My son, it is time that we talked.” Paul: I told him, “You mean about X-men and pirates and baseball?” Paul: He said, DUSTIN:“No, a man to man talk.” Paul: He said, DUSTIN:“It’s time that we covered, the things that a young man should know About all the birds and the bees and the things that uh.. you know… make this world go.” PAUL: “You mean,” BOYS: I replied, PAUL: “like computers and cars and music and TV and such?” DUSTIN: “Not quite,” BOYS: said my Dad, then he looked sort of sad, DUSTIN: “I mean females, and girls… all that stuff.” PAUL: “Cool!” I responded, “That’s just what I wanted! ‘Cause I’d really like to know that! There’s girls on my team that just holler and scream when they miss a good strike with their bat.” DUSTIN: “That’s not what I mean,” BOYS: said my Dad, looking green. DUSTIN: “I’m mean about birds and the bees. I think you should know what makes the world go,” BOYS: Then his face scrunched like moldy Swiss cheese. DUSTIN:“It’s time, my young son, that we talked about sex, but I’m sort of uncomfortable though.” Paul: I smiled at my Dad, “Take it easy old man, just tell what you’d like to know!”
Allison: WHEN GOD MADE THE BOYS GIRLS: When God made the boys He must have been sleepy And made some mistakes so they turned out real creepy. Jenna & Carly: He must have been working on monkeys or cats Why else would a boy seem so much like a rat? GIRLS: A boy isn’t normal, a boy isn’t nice A boy picks his nose and he wiggles his eyes Jannelle: A boy scratches places that shouldn’t be scratched Jessica: A boy’s like a chicken that’s just not quite hatched. Jenna: He’s rude and he’s crude when he stumbles to speak Carly: And he changes his socks at least once a week. Melissa: A dog’s at least loving and loyal and kind. GIRLS: But when God made the boy he left his out mind. Carly: “I left my assignment at home,” GIRLS: he replies Jessica: “I think my dog ate it.” GIRLS: (The boys always lies.) Jessica & Allison: Maybe one day at the dawn of Creation God made a mistake in the human equation. Jannelle & Melissa: Perhaps because girls were so sweet and devout He created the boy to even things out. Jenna: But I’ve got a theory about what God did. He first made the man and he looked at this kid. He said, Carly: “Now I see what is wrong with this world!” GIRLS: And fixed the mistake …………………..and created the Girl!
Joe: GIRLS ARE JUST WEIRD BOYS: Girls are just weird, I can’t figure them out. And the strangest things can come out of their mouths. Cody: “Don’t ever talk to me again!” Nick: “How come he never talks to me?” Carlin: “Did you see the way he keeps staring at me?” Paul: “I can’t believe it! He hasn’t even looked at me all week!” BOYS: Girls are just weird, I can’t figure them out. And the strangest things can come out of their mouths. Matt: “Boys are just so immature!” Andrew: “He always tries to act older. What a stuck up!” Joe: I can figure out algebra, hamsters and cows BOYS: But girls are just weird, I can’t figure them out.
Chris: THINGS AN ADOLESCENT SHOULD NEVER SAY: Steven: “Mom, who’s older? You or Dad?” Jeremy: “Mom, can I stay over night at Cory’s house? His mom’s a really good cook.” Nick: “My Mom said that when I went to camp I had to change underwear every day. On Monday I changed with Travis, on Tuesday I changed with Ricky..” Jessica: “Why does grandma have a moustache?” Joe: “Dad said not to bother you today Mom, ‘cause you’re sort of a grouch.” Andrew: “Hey Dad, how much does a new window cost?” Dustin: “But he was cold, Mom! I didn’t think a microwave would do that to a hamster!” Chris: “Anybody seen my pet snake?” Melissa: “Guess what, Dad. A high school boy asked me out.” Shawn: “Mom, who’s older? You or grandma?”
Steven…….STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: ALL: They can never decide if I’m big or I’m little. I really don’t like bein’ stuck in the middle. Cody: “Would you just grow up!? Don’t act like a child!” Carlin: “No, you can’t stay alone while we’re gone for a while.” Jessica: “You’re now a young lady, so act like a queen.” Allison: “How come you’re so grouchy? You’re only thirteen!” Steven: They can never decide if I’m big or I’m little. ALL: I really don’t like bein’ stuck in the middle. Chris: “Stop running around!” Jannelle: “Go outside and play!” Dustin: “Come on, be a kid! Smile and laugh! Paul: “Act your age!” Jenna: “Sit like a lady.” Matt: “Be brave like a man.” Jessica: “Stop biting your nails.” Chris: “Now go wash your hands.” Carly: “You’re now a young woman.” Allison: “Just wait ‘til you’re older.” Shawn: “Would you just grow up!” Jeremy: “Stop stooping your shoulders.” ALL: I wish they’d decide if I’m grown or I’m not. It’s really confusing to be in this spot. Steven: They can never decide if I’m big or I’m little. ALL: I really don’t like bein’ stuck in the middle.
Paul……BIG BOYS DON’T CRY Group I: He threw the ball I should have caught Cody: I dropped the ball I shouldn’t drop. Group III: I missed the tackle, missed the block, Cody: Missed the shot right at the clock. Group I: I just forgot how lawnmowers work. Group III: I flunked the test, Chris: I burped in church, BOYS: And now I really wonder why they won’t allow us boys to cry. Matt: I threw up on the lunch room table, Group I: I tripped and ripped the TV cable, Group III: I stuck my pencil in my eye… Andrew: I wonder why big boys can’t cry? Joe: The other kids, they called me names They threw my books out in the rain. They pulled my pants down on the bus. Then sent me home because I cussed. BOYS: It don’t seem fair, it don’t seem right. Sometimes a boy just needs to cry. Dustin: I asked my Dad how come it’s true … Don’t you get sad? Don’t you get blue? I told him how I felt then he… my big old dad, he cried with me.
Shawn……..HOW COME? Nick: I wear the cool shirts and I wear the cool jeans So how come she never notices me? Carly: I spent fifty bucks on my hair and my eyes So how he never looks at me twice? Matt: I’ve practiced my walking so I could look cool. Jenna: I’ve written him notes. Bet he thinks I’m a fool. Melissa: At lunch I said “Hi!” and he just looked away. Andrew: I think that she wanted my French fries today. Allison: I’ll bet that he hates me. Carlin: She thinks that I’m gross. I wonder if her folks know my folks? Oh no! Jessica: I’ve sent him a letter, Steven: I’ve emailed her twice. Melissa: I put a note on his locker. Andrew: I sent her French fries. Jessica: I wonder if I just went over to him and just said “How are you?” and then maybe then…. Steven: I wonder if I just walked up close to her and said, “How you doin’?” She’s only a girl! Jessica & Steven: Maybe, just maybe… He/She might smile… I hope….. (the two turn to each other, walk carefully toward each other, begin to talk, then hurry back to their positions) BOTH: Nope!
Allison……….NOTES
Carly: Dear Janelle, Did you see the new kid? Is he cool or what? I wonder if he likes me? Jenna: Dear Mandy, He just walked into school for the first time. Don’t think it’s a little early to tell? Paul: Dear Rick, How come Janelle won’t speak to me? Chris: Dear Jason, That means she loves you. Paul: Dear Rick, Oh. Jannelle: Dear Amanda, Will you call me tonight? Melissa: Dear Audrey, You sat next to me all day and you wouldn’t talk! Why should I call you? Jannelle: Dear Amanda, So we can talk about it. Matt: Dear Sam, This class is really boring. Joe: Dear Jimmy, It’s about to get exciting. The teacher just stole your note from me.
Carly: From “The Principles of Secondary Education,” Harcourt and Brace. 1982. “The new teacher entering a classroom of adolescents for the first time should be prepared for a noise level that might at first be disconcerting.” Chris: What’s that mean? Carly: We’re noisy. (and the group erupts in pandemonium) Nick: (finally after much confusion, commotion and light destruction) Hey! We like noise! GROUP I: Blame it on our hormones! GROUP II: Blame it on our age! ALL: Blame it our parents and our culture and our rage! GROUP III: Blame it on caffeine! GROUP II: Blame it on our food! Cody: Blame the TV, and the movies that we’re loud and crude and rude! ALL: Blame it on our hormones that make us girls and boys… Chris: But I know the answer! ALL: (more mass confusion, then) We---Like---Noise! Yea!
8th-Grade Americana Chorale Presentation
MELINDA:Hi, my name’s Melinda and we’ve really got a winner Of a chorale presentation piece this morning.
We’re students from a school that’s really kinda cool Even though we’re sorta stuck out in the corn.
DREW: Hi, my name is Drew, and I….
ALL: Not now, Drew.
DREW: But if Melinda’s gonna say her name, then….
ALL: It’s not your turn!
DANIELLE: Hi, my name’s Danielle and as you can prob’ly tell, We’re here to do some contest poems for you.
LUKE: And they all call me Luke….I mean Rogers… not Duke And we hope that what we say today won’t bore you.
ZACH: Yo! My name is Zach and before you mess with that, Here’s my good friend Julie, who’s a winner….
JULIE: Thank you, Zach, and now here’s a guy who raises cows And dribbles basketballs from noon ‘til dinner.
DREW: Hi, my name is Drew, and…
ALL: Not now, Drew!
DREW: But Julie just talked about a basketball star!
JULIE: I said he could dribble. I’ve seen you play, Drew. I was talking about Neil.
DREW: I can’t dribble?
JULIE: Only when you’re drinking milk.
NEIL: Hi, my name is Neil and you’re wondering what’s the deal? Are we ever gonna get this darned thing movin’?
APRIL: And April is my name. And we’re really very tame Except when Drew just makes it so confusin’.
MATT: And the folks all call me Matt, I’m the handsome one in back, And you’re just gonna love what we’ve got for ya.
DREW: And finally here comes Drew, who….
ALL: Hold it!
DREW: Still not me?
ALL: Still not you.
EMILY: Excuse me, Drew, I’m Emily… a sweet young thing, by Jimminey, And we’re about to start now so get ready. So sit back and enjoy it and we hope we won’t annoy you Even though we’re sorta nervous and unsteady.
DREW: But what about……..?
MELINDA: So from Melinda, LUKE: Luke JULIE: And Julie MATT: And Matt who’s handsome…truly! DANIELLE: Danielle ZACH: And Zach NEIL: And Neil… the one who dribbles! EMILY: From Emily APRIL: And April, we really hope we’re able, to entertain you while we keep it civil.
DANIELLE: Buenos Dias! ZACH: Bueno Sera! MATT: Gutten Morgan! JULIE: Ciao! MELINDA: In every way, it’s Howdy! just for you! And now you know our faces, so we’ll get into our places! DREW: Now wait a Dog-goned minute! (they stare) Hi! I’m Drew!
MATT: Here’s a poem about the most famous railroad in America.
ALL: The Rock Island Line!
DREW: Can I be this one?
EMILY: Ok, but this is just a test.
DREW: (Just as the group is about to speak) I can too dribble.
MELINDA: Drew!
DREW: Ok! Ok!
ZACH: WELL JESUS DIED TO SAVE ME OF ALL OF MY SIN, WELL-A GLORY TO GOD, I’M GONNA MEET HIM AGAIN. ALL: I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS A MIGHTY FINE ROAD I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS THE ROAD TO RIDE I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS A MIGHTY FINE ROAD IF YOU WANT TO RIDE, YOU GOTTA RIDE IT LIKE YOU’RE FLYIN’ BUY YOUR TICKET AT THE STATION AT THE ROCK ISLAND LINE!
ZACH: WELL THE TRAIN LEFT MEMPHIS AT HALF PAST FOUR AND IT MADE IT IN TO LITTLE ROCK AT EIGHT FORTY-FOUR! ALL: I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS A MIGHTY FINE ROAD I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS THE ROAD TO RIDE I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS A MIGHTY FINE ROAD IF YOU WANT TO RIDE, YOU GOTTA RIDE IT LIKE YOU’RE FLYIN’ BUY YOUR TICKET AT THE STATION AT THE ROCK ISLAND LINE!
ZACH: WELL I GOTTA RIDE THAT RAILROAD LINE ‘TIL THE HEAVENS COME DOWN AND I’M FEELIN’ FINE! ALL: I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS A MIGHTY FINE ROAD I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS THE ROAD TO RIDE I SAY THE ROCK ISLAND LINE IS A MIGHTY FINE ROAD IF YOU WANT TO RIDE, YOU GOTTA RIDE IT LIKE YOU’RE FLYIN’ BUY YOUR TICKET AT THE STATION AT THE ROCK ISLAND LINE! YEA!
DANIELLE: And here’s another poem from America’s past. JULIE: Used to be, the only way to get from one of the Great Lakes to another, was a series of man-made canals. DANIELLE: And the only way to get down those canals was to have your barge towed by a man and his mule. Sound familiar, Drew? DREW: Was that an insult? JULIE: “The Erie Canal” BOYS: I’VE GOT A MULE AND HER NAME IS SAL ALL: FIFTEEN MILES ON THE ERIE CANAL GIRLS: SHE’S A GOOD OLD WORKER AND A GOOD OLD PAL, ALL: FIFTEEN MILES ON THE ERIE CANAL.
ZACH: LOW BRIDGE! ALL: EVERYBODY DOWN! LUKE:LOW BRIDGE! ALL: ‘CAUSE WE’RE GOIN’ THROUGH A TOWN, AND YOU’LL ALWAYS KNOW YOUR NEIGHBOR AND YOU’LL ALWAYS KNOW YOUR PAL, IF YOU EVER NAVIGATED ON THE ERIE CANAL!
GIRLS: WE’VE HAULED SOME BARGES IN OUR DAY, FILLED WITH LUMBER, COAL AND HAY BOYS: AND WE KNOW EVERY INCH OF THE WAY FROM ALBANY TO BUFFALO!
ZACH: LOW BRIDGE! ALL: EVERYBODY DOWN! LUKE:LOW BRIDGE! ALL: ‘CAUSE WE’RE GOIN’ THROUGH A TOWN, AND YOU’LL ALWAYS KNOW YOUR NEIGHBOR AND YOU’LL ALWAYS KNOW YOUR PAL, IF YOU EVER NAVIGATED ON THE ERIE CANAL
DREW: WE’D BETTER GET ON OUR WAY OLD GAL ALL: FIFTEEN MILES ON THE ERIE CANAL DREW: AND YOU BET I’D NEVER PART WITH SAL ALL: FIFTEEN MILES ON THE ERIE CANAL! MATT: GIT UP THERE, MULE, HERE COMES A LOCK, WE’LL MAKE ROME ‘BOUT SIX O’CLOCK, ONE MORE TRIP AND BACK WE’LL GO RIGHT BACK HOME TO BUFFALO!
ZACH: LOW BRIDGE! ALL: EVERYBODY DOWN! LUKE:LOW BRIDGE! ALL: ‘CAUSE WE’RE GOIN’ THROUGH A TOWN, AND YOU’LL ALWAYS KNOW YOUR NEIGHBOR AND YOU’LL ALWAYS KNOW YOUR PAL, IF YOU EVER NAVIGATED ON THE ERIE CANAL!
JULIE: We hope that you’ve enjoyed our little program here of verse. MELINDA: And we hope if you aren’t better, then at least your not much worse. EMILY: So from Emily the sweet one who I’m sure that you have noticed. MATT: And Matt the really cute kid, if you don’t mind if I boast. NEIL: And Neil the guy who dribbles LUKE: And Luke who’s not the Duke APRIL: And April here, the sweet and shy…I swear that that’s the truth! ZACH: And Zach is back for one last crack before we end our show JULIE: And Julie here, the meek and mild….just thought you’d like to know. MELINDA: And again my name’s Melinda, and we’ve done this all for you. ALL: This fast-paced chorale presentation mainly starring…. DREW: Drew! ALL: ( ….moan…….)
8TH-Grade Bad Group
Group I: Audrey, Abby, Sarah, Group II: Kayla, Erin, Brandi Group III: Jeremy, Michael, Alex, Eric & Eric
ALL: Uh-huh! We bad! We bad! We bad! Uh-huh! Uh-Huh! So sad! So sad, we bad, Uh-huh!
You mad? Too bad! So sad, we bad, Uh-huh! Uh-huh! We bad! So sad, we bad, Uh-huh!
ERIN: Disgusting! MICHAEL: Revolting! JEREMY: Ridiculous! ERIC : Obscene! SARAH: Detestable! ALEX: And just plain nasty! ABBY: Those are the kind of children that give other kids a bad name! KAYLA: That get us all in trouble! BEAR: The kind that are just plain hideous! AUDREY:Abhorent! MICHAEL: Nefarious! ERIN: What’s that mean? MICHAEL: I don’t know. But it sounds really cool. BRANDI: These are the sort of kids that you would never let your daughter marry. JEREMY: Or even your dog! ALEX: Of course, they may just the sort of person your mother married, but…. ALL: Alex! ALEX: Kidding! Geesh! ERIC: Bad! AUDREY: Atrocious! ABBY: Treacherous! BRANDI: Wicked! JEREMY: Depraved! KAYLA: In other words…. ALL: Just the kind of kid we like! AUDREY: So here’s a program of poetry about bad, mean, rotten little kids. SARAH: I love it! MICHAEL: Hey wait a minute! Did we ever tell them who we are? ALEX: No way. That way we can be traced. ERIN: First, a poem by Ogden Nash, about one of the worst little boys ever! ALEX: Worse than _______? (name a boy in the audience) ERIN: Ok, the second worst boy in the world: The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus!
GROUP I: IN BALTIMORE THERE LIVED A BOY HE WASN’T ANYBODY’S JOY ALTHOUGH HIS NAME WAS JABEZ DAWES, HIS CHARACTER WAS FULL OF FLAWS.
GROUP II: IN SCHOOL, HE NEVER LEAD HIS CLASSES HE HID OLD LADIES’ READING GLASSES! HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN WHEN HE CHEWED AND ELBOWS TO THE TABLE GLUED.
ALL: HE SAID HE ACTED THUS BECAUSE MICHAEL: “THERE ISN’T ANY SANTA CLAUS!” GROUP III: HE STOLE THE MILK OF HUNGRY KITTENS AND WALKED THROUGH DOORS MARKED NO ADMITTANCE!
GROUP I: HE BRUSHED HIS TEETH, THEY SAID IN TOWN SIDEWAYS INSTEAD OF UP AND DOWN! ALL: HE SAID HE ACTED THUS BECAUSE MICHAEL: “THERE ISN’T ANY SANTA CLAUS!”
GROUP III: ANOTHER TRICK THAT TICKED JABEZ WAS CRYING MICHAEL: “BOO!” GROUP III: AT LITTLE BABIES!
GROUP III: DEPLORING HOW HE DID BEHAVE, HIS PARENTS SWIFTLY SOUGHT THEIR GRAVE THEY HURRIED THROUGH THE PORTAL PEARLY JEREMY: AND JABEZ LEFT THE FUNERAL EARLY!
GROUP I: LIKE WHOOPING COUGH, FROM CHILD TO CHILD HE SPED TO SPREAD THE RUMOR WILD MICHAEL: “SURE AS MY NAME IS JABEZ DAWES, THERE ISN’T ANY SANTA CLAUS!”
GROUP II: THEN JABEZ SPRAWLED ON HIS UNTIDY BED, FRESH MALICE DANCING IN HIS HEAD. WHEN PRESENTLY, WITH SCALP A-TINGLING, JABEZ HEARD A DISTANT JINGLING.
GROUP II: HE HEARD THE CRUNCH OF SLEIGH AND HOOF GENTLY ALIGHTING ON THE ROOF! ERIN: WHAT GOOD TO RISE AND BAR THE DOOR? A SHOWER OF SOOT WAS ON THE FLOOR?
III: AND WHAT WAS BEHELD BY JABEZ DAWES? ALL: A FIREPLACE FULL OF SANTA CLAUS! ERIC: “JABEZ!” ALL: CRIED THE ANGRY SAINT… ERIC: “IT ISN’T I, IT’S YOU THAT AIN’T! “ALTHOUGH THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, THERE ISN’T ANY JABEZ DAWES!”
GROUP I: SAID JABEZ, THEN, WITH IMPUDENT VIM, MICHAEL: “OH YES THERE IS! AND I AM HIM! “YOUR MAGIC DON’T SCARE ME, IT DOESN’T!” ALL: AND SUDDENLY…. HE FOUND…. BRANDI: HE WASN’T!
GROUP II: FROM GRIMEY FEET TO GRIMEY LOCKS, JABEZ BECAME A JACK-IN-THE-BOX! GROUP III: AN UGLY TOY WITH SPRINGS UNSPRUNG, FOREVER STICKING OUT HIS TONGUE!
AUDREY: THE NEIGHBORS HEARD HIS MOURNFUL SQUEAL AND SEARCHED FOR HIM… BUT NOT WITH ZEAL. ABBY: NO TRACE WAS FOUND OF JABEZ DAWES WHICH LEAD TO A THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE ALL: AND PEOPLE DRANK A LOVING CUP AND WENT AND HUNG THEIR STOCKINGS UP!
ERIC: ALL YOU WHO SNEER AT SANTA CLAUS, BEWARE THE FATE OF JABEZ DAWES… ALL: THAT SAUCY BOY WHO MOCKED THE SAINT… ERIC: DONDER AND BLITZEN LICKED OFF HIS PAINT!
SARAH: Now here’s a collection about rotten kids and what they do, by Shel Silverstein. “Wastebasket Brother” ALL BUT BEAR: SOMEONE PUT THEIR BABY BROTHER UNDER THIS WASTEBASKET THE QUESTION IS EXACTLY WHY, BUT I’M NOT GOING ASK IT. BUT SOMEONE, I AIN’T SAYIN’ WHO, HAS GOT A GUILTY FACE, ASHAMED FOR LETTIN’ SUCH A LOVELY BROTHER GO TO WASTE. (Bear motions “Who? Me?)
BRANDI: “Sidewalking”. GROUPS I & II: THEY SAY IF YOU STEP ON A CRACK, YOU WILL BREAK YOUR MOTHER’S BACK. BUT THAT’S JUST SILLY, HA-HA-HA--- OOOPS….PLOP….. SORRY, MA.
JEREMY: The Mummy. GROUP III: WRAPPED MYSELF IN TOILET PAPER, HEAD TO TOE TO TUMMY. WRAPPED MYSELF IN TOILET PAPER, THOUGHT THAT I’D BE FUNNY. WRAPPED MYSELF IN TOILET PAPER, THOUGHT THEY’D CALL ME “MUMMY.” WRAPPED MYSELF IN TOILET PAPER, THEY JUST CALL ME DUMMY.
ABBY: “Sorry I spilled it.” GROUP I: THE HAM’S ON YOUR PILLOW, THE EGG’S ON YOUR SHEET, GROUP II: THE BRAN MUFFIN’S ROLLIN’ DOWN UNDER YOUR FEET, GROUP III: THERE’S MILK IN THE MATTRESS, AND JUICE ON THE SPREAD-- BRANDI: WELL, YOU SAID YOU WANTED BREAKFAST IN BED!
KAYLA: “Camp Wonderful” GROUP I: I’M GOING TO CAMP WONDERFUL BESIDE LAKE PARADISE ACROSS FROM BLISSFUL MOUNTAIN IN THE VALLEY OF THE NICE. GROUP II: THEY IT’S SUNNY, COOL, AND GREEN, THEY SAY THE ANGELS MADE IT. ALL: THE MOTTO IS “BE FAIR AND CARE.” GROUP III: I KNOW I’M GONNA HATE IT. ALEX: “Screamin’ Millie” AUDREY: MILLE MCDEEVIT SCREAMED A SCREAM SO LOUD IT MADE HER EYEBROWS STEAM! JEREMY: SHE SCREAMED SO LOUD HER JAWBONE BROKE, MICHAEL: HER TONGUE CAUGHT FIRE, HER NOSTRILS SMOKED, ALEX: HER EYEBALLS BOILED AND THEN POPPED OUT, KAYLA: HER EARS FLEW NORTH, HER NOSE WENT SOUTH, ABBY: HER TEETH FLEW OUT, HER VOICE WAS WRECKED, BEAR: HER HEAD WENT SAILING OFF NER NECK---- ERIN: OVER THE HILLDISDE, ‘CROSS THE STREAM, INTO THE SKIES IT CHASED THE SCREAM. ALL: AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO MILLIE MCDEEVIT SARAH: (AT LEAST I HOPE ALL YOU SCREAMERS BELIEVE IT!)
JEREMY: And now, “Careless Willie” by an unknown poet. ALL: WILLIE, WITH A THIRST FOR GORE, NAILED HIS SISTER TO THE DOOR, GROUP II: MOTHER SAID, WITH HUMOR QUAINT, AUDREY: “NOW WILLIE DEAR, DON’T SCRATCH THE PAINT.”
KAYLA: “The Dirty, Rotten Kid” JEREMY: I’M A DIRTY ROTTEN KID, THERE AIN’T NOTHIN’ I AIN’T DID. I DID IT ALL AND I’M DERNED PROUD TO BE A DIRTY, ROTTEN KID. I’VE DONE MORE STUFF THAN ALL OF YOU THERE’S NOTHIN’ I AIN’T TRIED TO DO. THERE’S REALLY NOTHIN’ I AIN’T DID. I’M JUST A DIRTY, ROTTEN KID. GROUP I: HIS MAMA SAYS, AUDREY: “HE’S RIGHT, THAT’S TRUE. THERE’S NOTHING THAT THAT BOY WON’T DO. HE PICKS HIS NOSE, HE ALWAYS BURPS, HE MAKES WEIRD NOISES WHEN IN CHURCH. HE SCRATCHES THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T BE AND MAKES A NERVOUS WRECK OF ME!” GROUP II: HIS DADDY SAYS, ERIC: “HE DRIVES ME NUTS! I’D LIKE TO REALLY KICK HIS BUTT! HE FLUNKS HIS CLASSES ALL YEAR LONG, HE PLAYS THOSE LOUD DISGUSTING SONGS. WHY CAN’T HE BE LIKE ME WHEN I WAS SUCH A SWEET, YOUNG LOVING GUY?” GROUP I & II: HIS TEACHER SAYS, ERIN: “I’D LIKE TO RIP HIS LITTLE HEAD PLUMB OFF HIS NECK! HE’S ALWAYS ACTING LIKE A PEST AND NEVER PASSES SPELLING TESTS! HE CROWDS IN LINE, HE STACKS THE LOCKERS! THE KID JUST DRIVES ME NEARLY BONKERS!”
JEREMY: OH GOSH IT’S FUN, OH GEE IT’S GREAT TO BE A ROTTEN KID! JUST LOOK AT ME! MY FRIENDS ALL LOVE TO STOP SAY, SARAH: “I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM GO AWAY.” ALEX: “I WISH HE’D JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.” BRANDI: “WHY CAN’T THE ROTTEN KID STAY HOME AND GIVE US ALL A LITTLE BREAK? GO SUCK ON TOADS? GO EAT A SNAKE?” GROUP I: BUT LATE AT NIGHT WHEN NO ONE KNOWS, HE’D SNIFF AND CRY AND BLOW HIS NOSE AND WISH THAT PEOPLE LIKED HIM BETTER JEREMY: ‘STEAD OF TREATIN’ ME LIKE AN OLD BED WETTER GROUP II: AND SO HE’D CRY AND WISHING SO THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY ALL THE WORLD WILL BE HIS FRIENDS WITH LOVE AND HOPE! WOULD IT BE WORTH IT? (a beat, a smile) JEREMY: NOPE!
ERIC: “Hey Diddle Diddle” GROUP I: HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE, THE PHYSICISTS FIDDLE, THE BLEEP JUMPED OVER THE MOON. GROUP II: THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED TO SEE SUCH FUN GROUP III: AND DIED THE FOLLOWING JUNE. ALEX: “Aunt Eliza: ALL: IN THE DRINKING WELL, WHICH THE PLUMBER BUILT HER, AUNT ELIZA FELL. ABBY: WE MUST BUY A FILTER!
JEREMY: “Little Miss Muffet” GROUP I: LITTLE MISS MUFFET, CROUCHED ON A TUFFET, COLLECTING HER SHELL-SHOCKED WITS. GROUP II: THERE DROPPED FROM A GLIDER, A SCUD MISSLE BESIDE HER GROUP III: WHICH FRIGHTENED MISS MUFFET TO BITS!
MICHAEL: “Mary Had a Little Lamb” GROUPS I & II: MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB ITS FLEECE WAS WHITE AS SNOW; AND EVERYWHERE THAT MARY WENT THE LAMB WAS SURE TO GO. BUT MARY FOUND THE COST OF MEAT HAD SOARED WHICH DIDN’T PLEASE HER TONIGHT SHE’S HAVING LEG OF LAMB. BEAR: THE REST IS IN THE FREEZER. AUDREY: Now, I really should explain that we’re all really nice people. ERIN: Even Alex? ALEX: Hey! AUDREY: Even Alex. But for the sake of speech contest, we just thought we’d talk about some kids who weren’t so nice. ABBY: We hope you’re not offended. AUDREY: Or that you in no way thought we were talking about you. ALEX: Maybe your relatives, but certainly not you. AUDREY: So until we meet again….. ALL: Uh-huh! We bad! We bad! We bad! Uh-huh! Uh-Huh! So sad! So sad, we bad, Uh-huh!
You mad? Too bad! So sad, we bad, Uh-huh! Uh-huh! We bad! So sad, we bad, Uh-huh!
Jessica Anderson Jacqueline Hooker
Matt Meyer Casey Suhling Amber Crawley
Zach Virgin Whitney Musch Jenny Kleinschmidt
Brock Hall Cynthia Fisher Nicole Huner
Matt Johnston Katie Huppe Lyndsey Smith
Trenton Carls
ALL: Run, Spot! Run! Run, Spot! Run! Run Spot! Run Spot! Run Spot! Run!
SPOT: (barks happily)
DICK: Hi! I’m Dick!
JANE: And I’m Jane!
DICK & JANE: And this is our dog Spot!
SPOT: (barks happily)
JANE: And we’re here to tell you a story!
DICK: A marvelous, wonderful story! Right Spot?
SPOT: (barks)
JANE: We haven’t been around for a while but we’re still the same good old Dick and Jane who taught your parents to read. Oh, Spot’s gotten a little pot-bellied over the years, but he’s an old dog!
SPOT: (growls)
ALL: Give my regards to Broadway! Remember me at Herald Square! Tell all the gang at forty-second street that I will soon be there. Tell them of how I’m yearning to mingle with the old-time throng Give me regards to old Broadway and tell ‘em I’ll be there ere long!
STRAIGHT MAN: Ah Vaudeville! COMIC: Ah Vaudeville! STRAIGHT: A purely American form of entertainment! Songs! Animal Acts! Dancing girls! COMIC: Back when a Coke was a nickel, milk was still delivered in a bottle, and _______ was still a girl! STRAIGHT MAN: And some of the funniest comedians the world has ever known. George Burns and Gracie Allen! GEORGE: Gracie! GRACIE: Yes, George? GEORGE: How’s your cousin? GRACIE: You mean the one that died? GEORGE: Yea. GRACIE: Oh he’s fine now! ALL: Ba-dump-Chh! GEORGE: Gracie, let me ask you something. When you were a baby, did the nurse ever drop you on your head? GRACIE: Oh no, we couldn’t afford a nurse. My mother had to do it.
ALL: I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy A Yankee Doodle do or die! A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam! Born on the Fourth of July! I’ve got a Yankee Doodle Sweetheart! He’s/She’s my Yankee Doodle Joy! Yankee Doodle came to London just to ride the ponies I am that Yankee Doodle Boy!
GEORGE: Gracie, is there anybody in your family as smart as you? GRACIE: My sister Hazel is even smarter. If it wasn’t for her, our canary would never have hatched that ostrich egg. GEORGE: A canary hatched an ostrich egg? GRACIE: Yea, but the canary was too small to cover that big egg so Hazel sat on the egg and held the canary in her lap. ALL: Ba-dump-Chh! GEORGE: Hazel must be the smartest in the family. GRACIE: Oh no. My brother Willie was no dummy either. GEORGE: Willie? GRACIE: Yea, the one who slept on the floor. GEORGE: Why would he sleep on the floor? GRACIE: He had high blood pressure … GEORGE: … and he was trying to keep it down? GRACIE: Yea. ALL: Ba-dump-Chh! GEORGE: I’d like to meet Willie. GRACIE: You can’t miss him. He always wears a high collar to cover the appendicitis scar on his neck. GEORGE: Gracie, your appendix is down around your waist. GRACIE: I know, but Willie was so ticklish they had to operate up there.
ALL: You’re a grand old flag, you’re a high-flyin’ flag And forever in peace may you wave! You’re the emblem of.. the land I love! The home of the free and the brave!
GEORGE: What’s Willie doing now? GRACIE: He lost his job. GEORGE: Lost his job? GRACIE: Yea, he’s a window washer. GEORGE: And? GRACIE: And he was outside on the twentieth floor washing a window and when he got through he stepped back to admire his work… GEORGE: And he lost his job. ALL: Ba-dump-Chh! GRACIE: Yea.. and when he hit the ground he was really embarrassed. GEORGE: Embarrassed? GRACIE: Yea, his collar flew off and his appendicitis scar showed.
ALL: Every heart beats true under red white and blue Where there’s never a boast or brag; But, should auld acquaintance be forgot, Keep your eye on the grand old flag!
GEORGE: Gracie, this family of yours.. Do you all live together? GRACIE: Oh sure. My father, my brother, my uncle, my cousin, and my nephew all sleep in the same bed. GEORGE: In one bed? I’m surprised your grandfather doesn’t sleep with them. GRACIE: Oh he did, but he died, so they made him get up.
ALL: Give ‘em the old.. Razzle-Dazzle! Razzle-Dazzle ‘em! Razzle-Dazzle ‘em! Give ‘em an act with lots of flash in it And the reaction will be passionate! Give ‘em the old, hocus pocus… Bead and feather ‘em… Bead and feather ‘em… How can they see with sequins in their eyes? What if your hinges all are rusting? What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting? Razzle Dazzle ‘em.. and they’ll never get wise!
WIFE: I can’t believe you! I’ve been married to you for twenty years! I’ve been through three unbelievable childbirths! I helped you bring up three uncontrollable kids! When the house caught fire I rushed in and pulled you out! I took care of the kids while you were in the hospital for a year! I stayed with you through all that and now you want to leave me? HUSBAND: See what I mean? You’re bad luck!
ALL: There’s no business like show business like no business I know! Everything about it is appealing! Everything the traffic will allow! Nowhere do you get the special feeling.. when you are stealing that extra bow! There’s no people like show people they smile when they are low! Even in a turkey that you know will fold, You may be standing out in the cold. Still you wouldn’t trade it for a pot of gold! Let’s go on with the show! PATIENT: Doctor! Doctor! DOCTOR: Yeeees? PATIENT: Doctor, help me! I hurts when I do that! DOCTOR: Then don’t do that. ALL: Ba-dump-Chh! DOCTOR: Did you ever have this before? PATIENT: Yes! DOCTOR: Then you got it again! (runs off) ALL: Ba-dump-Chh!
PATIENT TWO: (running in) Doctor! Doctor! Help! I’ve got some dimes stuck in my ear! DOCTOR: How long have they been there? PATIENT TWO: A year. DOCTOR: Why didn’t you come in sooner? PATIENT TWO:: I didn’t need the money! (runs off) ALL: Ba-dump-Chh!
PATIENT THREE: (entering) Doctor! Doctor! There’s a ringing in my ears! DOCTOR: Don’t answer it! ALL: Ba-dump-Chh!
PATIENT THREE: But what should I take when I’m run down? DOCTOR: The license number! (runs off) ALL: Ba-dump-Chh!
PATIENT FOUR: Doctor! Doctor! What’s the quickest way to the hospital? DOCTOR: Bad-mouth the speech judge! ALL: Ba-dump-Chh!
PATIENT FIVE: Help me, doctor! DOCTOR: Okay. Stand on one leg. (he does) Put your thumb on your nose. (he does) Now stick out your tongue. (he does) PATIENT FIVE: But this doesn’t help! DOCTOR: I know, but I can’t stand that guy in the back row! ALL: Ba-dump-Chh!
THE TRIPLETS: We do everything alike, We look alike, we dress alike, we walk alike, and what is more we hate each other very much. We hate our folks. We’re sick of jokes on what an art it is to tell us all apart. TRIPLET ONE: If one of us gets the measles TRIPLET TWO: Another one gets the measles TRIPLET THREE: Then all of us gets the measles.. ALL 3: And mumps! And croup! (cough-cough) We do everything alike, We look alike, we dress alike, we walk alike, and what is more we hate each other very much. We hate our folks. We’re sick of jokes on what an art it is to tell us all apart. TRIPLET ONE: We eat the same kind of vittels, TRIPLET TWO: We drink the same kind of bottles TRIPLET THREE: We sit in the same kind of high chair. ALL 3: High chair! High chair! I think I’ll stick my little thumb..my little thumb.. Into their eyes and then be only one! STRAIGHT MAN: Ah, Vaudeville! COMIC: Ah, Vaudeville! Ya gotta love it! ALL: There’s no business like show business like no business I know! Everything about it is appealing! Everything the traffic will allow! Nowhere do you get the special feeling.. when you are stealing that extra bow! There’s no people like show people they smile when they are low! Even in a turkey that you know will fold, You may be standing out in the cold. Still you wouldn’t trade it for a pot of gold! Let’s go on with the show! Yea!
Christopher Toodle By Ken Bradbury
A short play for six characters and a dying cat. Individual actors may play several roles. All parts may be played by either sex, including the cat.
(As the narrators, Nabob and Boban, tell the tale, the action is acted out by the others.
NABOB: In the faraway land of Kib-Kan-Kanoodle there lived a young prince, name of Christopher Toodle.
BOBAN: His father was King of the Kingdom of Kwalee and all of his subjects they feared him, by golly.
NABOB: For the King was a hero! A warrior! A fighter! And even his enemies shook when they spied him!
BOBAN: But Christopher Toodle, his son, was quite strange, for he cared not for fighting and killing and rage. He loved to make pictures and music and verse, and to draw little birds on the back of his nurse.
NABOB: But the King he insisted the boy learned to fight so he taught him to run and to jump and to ride. He taught him the ways of the warrior bold, of the methods to madden his enemies so.
BOBAN: The King taught his son how to wrestle and swim and get the advantage and fight on a whim. He showed him the way to make all men his lesser and conquer his foes, and crush the aggressor!
NABOB: And Christopher Toodle he learned all these things. He fought and he rode and he heeded the King. For though his young heart found in them no great joy, Christopher, was an obedient boy.
BOBAN: Then one day the King summoned Chris to his throne…
KING: Soon you’ll be King, my young son, on your own! So what will you do? What sort will you be? What sort of King will you make after me? A scoundrel? A wizard? A brave, handsome knight? Come on boy, speak up! Have you learned how to fight?
CHRISTOPHER: I’ve learned all you taught me, I’ve learned all the rules Of swordplay and battle you’ve made me well schooled. I can jump any moat, I can slay any beast. The soldiers all think that my footwork’s real neat. Of dungeons and dragons I’ve learned what you’ve taught, and the harder you pushed me, the harder I fought. I know all the skills and the tricks and the trades that make a King king and I now know the way.
NABOB: The King looked him up and the King looked him down And the King looked around, then the King he sat down. He said..
KING: Very well! Let me give you a test! Say the BooBlops from Blooston had land that was best. They sat on their land and they licked their fine chops, and they wouldn’t give you a small dollopy drop? So what would you do as they sat rich and fat…? Would you smile? Would you hide? Would you up and attack?
BOBAN: Christopher stroked his young chin with his hand then answered as plainly as one plain Prince can…
CHRISTOPHER: The BooBlops from Blooston! An interesting crew. You say it’s their land?
BOBAN: Said the King…
KING: Yes I do.
CHRISTOPHER: Then I’d make them my friends! I’d make them my mates! I’d have them all over for schnitzel and cake!
KING: What!!!!
NABOB: …the King thundered, his face in a knot….
KING: You wouldn’t attack them and take what they’ve got?
CHRISTOPHER: Why ever would someone take what’s not quite theirs? You called it their land. They’re the first to be there. And though it might make me a hero at home The BooBlops from Blooston seem reasonable blokes.
BOBAN: The King threw a tizzy..
NABOB: The King threw a fit…
BOBAN: The King tore his robe into wee tiny bits.
NABOB: The King threw his cat right into the deep moat.
BOBAN: Where she died with a small golden fish in her throat.
KING: I’m angry!
CAT: Meow!
KING: I’m furious!
CAT: Ugg!
KING: I’m livid! Irate! I am furious!
CAT: Blub! (and the cat dies…sorry)
NABOB: The King was enraged, all perplexed and incensed! His eyeballs protruded! He grabbed for his neck!
BOBAN: His pupils dilated, his breath came in jerks….
NABOB: His wind was cut short and his tongue failed to work!
KING: You’ve made me so angry, you young son of mine!
BOBAN: Said the King…
KING: That I think I’m about now to die!
NABOB: And quick as he said it…
BOBAN: For he meant what he said…
NABOB: He fell to the floor of the castle!
KING: (now on the floor) I’m dead!
BOBAN: And Christopher Toodle became Chris the King.
KING: (coming momentarily to life) Of all of the silly, ridiculous things!
CHRISTOPHER: There’s nothing that’s worse…
NABOB: King Christopher said…
CHRISTOPHER: Than a previous King who just won’t stay quite dead.
NABOB: “The Kingdom of Christopher!” people proclaimed and all the world over they shouted his name.
BOBAN: Then one summer day, the fifth year of his rule, his mother the Queen came to talk ….
QUEEN: You young fool! Don’t you see what you’ve done! I should have now guessed. You caused us the awfulest snofflest mess! You won’t make a fuss over wars and Tomfoolery! You’ve given away all my jewels and my jewelry! You’ve opened our storehouse to feed all the poor. There’s hardly a biscuit to find on the floor! You’ve made such great friends with our neighbors and such, why there’s hardly a fight that’s worth fighting that much.
CHRISTOPHER: But mother…
NABOB: Said Christopher, pleading his case…
CHRISTOPHER: Think of the good that I’m doing now-days! Think of the hungry now able to eat! Think of poor who can stand on their feet! Think of the women and children and men who now can proclaim a bright future again!
NABOB: But the Queen was not happy..
BOBAN: The Queen was not pleased…
NABOB: The Queen planned a plan and the Queen schemed a scheme.
BOBAN: She wasn’t as motherly as she might have seemed!
NABOB: She summoned an actor of some great renown who played some bit parts in a faraway town.
QUEEN: So you are an actor!
ACTOR: (could be played by the former King..after all, he’s dead and needs a job) A great one, your liege.
QUEEN: I’ll pay you quite well if you know what I mean.
NABOB: And the Queen told him just what she thought he must do, to ruin King Christopher’s noble pursuits.
BOBAN: (playing a court messenger) Your Highness there’s someone who seeks your good graces He comes from the faraway land of Moasis!
CHRISTOPHER: Moasis? That’s strange. It means not a thing. But everyone’s welcome to speak to the King.
BOBAN: The King of Moasis!
NABOB: The herald rang out, and the Actor he acted his act ….
BOBAN: What a lout!
ACTOR: (hamming all the way) Your highness! I beg you! I grovel! Implore! I bow down before you, pleading and poor!
NABOB: When we heard him employ his theatrical arts, we knew right away why he’d played just bit parts.
ACTOR: My kingdom! My people! My friends and my kin! All famished and vanquished and haggard and thin!
BOBAN: His bread and his fruit may have perished with drought but oh the fineham this guy could dish out!
ACTOR: Please help me! I’m destitute! Horribly wrecked! I now come before you berift and bereft!
CHRISTOPHER: I’ve seen lots of poverty, heartache and death, but never a one both berift and bereft! Just how can I help you and lend you a hand? Hurry, for someone is cooking a ham.
ACTOR: I need all your kingdom!…. It’s been a bad year…. I need all your money and treasures…
CHRISTOPHER: Oh dear! You say you need all of it? That’s quite a bit. I mean, all is just…all, if you just get my drift.
ACTOR: My kingdom is bigger and poorer than yours. ‘Twill take all you have and perhaps a bit more.
CHRISTOPHER: I’ve never refused a request in my reign. I’ve never turned down one who called on my name. I’ve never not given what anyone asks. So…..it’s yours! Take it all! Take some more! Take the last!
QUEEN: Aha!
NABOB: Screamed the Queen as she hauled in the loot!
QUEEN: It’s all mine at last! It’s a joy! It’s a hoot!
BOBAN: And Christopher lost all his kingdom that day. And Mama was rich again. What’s there to say?
NABOB: She oiled her sweet purse with the riches of men, and went back to being a despot again.
BOBAN: And Christopher, now that he lost all he had? Poor Christopher who was once King of the land?
NABOB: Poor Christopher went back to writing his rhymes, and singing his songs, and spending his time Dancing and playing and tooting his flute. He loved each new day, now disposed of his loot.
BOBAN: The Queen was quite happy.
QUEEN: I love it, you know.
NABOB: And Christopher busied himself painting the crows And dappling the ducklings, and mottling the mice, Catching the rainbow and sliding down twice. He’d lie on his back and make friends with the trees. He’d hopscotch with sparrows and leapfrog with bees. He’d find magic shapes in the clouds and he’d sing And never regret what he had as a King.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh, I’ll never regret what I had as a King.
BOBAN: The Queen grew quite old and quite loony in time, as she worried…
QUEEN: It’s mine! Yes it’s mine! Oh, it’s mine!
NABOB: And Christopher Toodle, so lowly again. Made princely prints of his feet in the sand. And he’d teach the wee swallows to dip and to dive, And never thought once of his once Kingly life.
BOBAN: The Queen finally died when she choked on a pearl.
CHRISTOPHER: (wistfully) And sometimes I miss you, but not much, old girl.
QUEEN: Gack! (and she dies)
NABOB: : In the faraway land of Kib-Kan-Kanoodle there lived a young prince, name of Christopher Toodle. A prince again once again, once again free, to give and to love and to live and to be.
BOBAN: Christopher Toodle lay on his bed with all that happened alive in his head. And he thought to himself in his usual way,
CHRISTOPHER: Things only count when you give them away.
KORN Chorale Presentation 2001 Speech Contest
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